The document discusses repairing relationships through attuning central nervous systems. It explains that people originally operated as interconnected "we" systems but fell into operating as disconnected "I" systems. It provides techniques for repairing this, including turning toward each other through senses like eye contact, touch, and shared rhythms. The goal is for couples to function as secure, two-part systems that co-regulate one another's emotions and stress. Addressing deficits like attachment injuries or alexithymia can help partners reconnect physically, psychologically and spiritually.

1. Long SPOONS,
TuningFORKS, &
The Art of Relationship Repair
FlamencoDANCING
Can two walk together, unless they are agreed?
Amos 3:3

2. Review
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Attachment Styles
Brent Theis, MA, LPC-S
www.lakepointe.org/COUNSELING
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3. Review
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Temperaments
Casey Christian, LCSW
www.lakepointe.org/COUNSELING
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4. Review
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Temperaments &
Four Horseman
Casey Christian, LCSW
www.lakepointe.org/COUNSELING
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5. Review
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Fear Cycle
Carolyn Sidereas, MS, LPC-S
www.lakepointe.org/COUNSELING
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6. Let’s Collect
Some Group STATS
Get out your cell phones and type in
‘Kahoot.it’ in your search engine.
Go to Kahoot.it
You can use your initials or a nickname.
Use a Nickname
There is no wrong answer. Answer the
questions to the best of your ability!
Let’s Play!
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7. Today
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Repair Cycle
Elizabeth Davis, MA, LPC
www.lakepointe.org/COUNSELING
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8. Repair Maxims
• All people are annoying.
• There’s nothing more difficult than another person.
• There’s a big difference between annoying and
threatening.
• There’s no such thing as a low-maintenance person.
• All people are high-maintenance, up close.
• Couples usually act according to wiring, not
knowledge, especially under stress.
• This ‘wiring’, or attachment style, is faster than
cognitive thought.
• Most people don’t know what they are doing or why –
most people are on ‘autopilot’.
• Memory retrieval under stress is not always reliable.
• Self-narrative needs reflection and testing.
• People are usually doing the best they can.
• All relationship failures begin with a dysregulated
CNS – not necessarially the ‘fault’ of one or the other.
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9. Repair TERMS
•Anxious = Pursuer = Wave = an Insecure, 1–Person System
•Avoidant = Withdrawer = Island = an Insecure, 1-Person System
•Attunement = to Attune = to Synchronize 2-Person CNS
•Buttons = Dragons = Emotional Sore Spots
•Autopilot = Wiring = Imprinting
•Autonomy = Self-made wo/man= Have No Need of Others =
Living Independent of God’s Lead
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10. What BROKE?
Parable of LONG SPOONS
A parable to 2 relational worlds
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11. What’s not BROKE?
Perichoresis
Perichoresis is a theological
expression that describes an
aspect of the Trinity. It
describes the Trinity as a
form of dance, combining
harmony,individualism and
yet perfect consideration for
each other.
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12. Is this US?What needs REPAIR?
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13. The FALL into SELF-PRESERVATION
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14. The FALL into ALONENESS
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We Fell from a ‘WE’ to an ‘I'
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15. The FALL into ALONENESS
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A Picture: BIRTH –We begin life as a ‘WE’ and develop into an ‘I’
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16. BRAKE #1Our Attachment to GOD
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Attachment to God
SELF over God
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17. BRAKE #2Our Attachment to EACH OTHER
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Attachment to Others
SELF Over Others
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18. BRAKE #3Our Inner Integration
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Attachment Within
A Divided SELF
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19. The #1 Marital FIX!How to REPAIR Broken Attachment with GOD
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There is only ONE that is Right
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20. Can’t REPAIR without GOD!
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2 ?
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Pursuer > - < Pursuer
< - Withdrawer Withdrawer - >
How to REPAIR Broken Covenant Relationship

21. Can’t REPAIR without GOD!
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22. The #2 Marital FIX!REPAIR Our Attachment with Others
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Long Spoons

23. The #3 Marital FIX!How to REPAIR Our Inner Division
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Spiritual Practices

24. REPAIR Cycle & Long Spoons!
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REPAIRING Our Attachment with Others

25. SECURE Couples
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26. SECURE Couples
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• Mindful of all 3 Covenant Partners: God (Trinity), Husband & Wife
• Intentional about Protecting the Covenant
• Operate as a Two-part Physical, Psychological and Spiritual System : operates as a ‘We’ not an ‘I’
• Relate from a heart posture of longing for, and not fear of : faith-based, not fear-based
• Are each other’s Go-To person : show delight in one another, have a smile waiting
• Protect one another in public and in private
• Each is an ‘Expert’ on the other : able to co-regulate their partners with expertise
• Repair injuries & misattunements Quickly
• Amplify positives, Foreshorten negatives
• Fidelity : Proper Management of Thirds
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27. SECURE Couples
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SAFE HAVEN Agreements
I am here for you! Availability
You can trust me to have your back. Reliability
I will respond to your bids for connection or repair. Responsibility
I am your go-to for fun, play, security & comfort. Provider
I am a follower, not a fan. Becoming
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28. The REPAIR Cycle!Where are you, Beloved?
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29. The DIVIDED Self!
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Prefrontal Lobe
Limbic Brain
Brain Stem
Neo-Cortex
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Amygdala
Below Thinking Brain

30. The DIVIDED Self!
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Mind
Before the Fall
Mind
After the Fall
Right
Pursuer
Left
Withdrawer

31. The DIVIDED Self!
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32. Two CNS System!Oh, Beloved! How WE have Fallen!
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• Operate as a Two-part Physical, Psychological and Spiritual System : operates as a ‘We’ not an ‘I’
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33. Oh, Beloved! How WE have Fallen!
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• Operate as a Two-part Physical, Psychological and Spiritual System : operates as a ‘We’ not an ‘I’
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REPAIR Cycle & Tuning Forks!

34. Attune CNS Systems!Oh, Beloved! How WE have Fallen!
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• Operate as a Two-part Physical, Psychological and Spiritual System : operates as a ‘We’ not an ‘I’
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35. The REPAIR Cycle!Where are you, Beloved?
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36. Attune CNS Systems!Oh, Beloved! How WE have Fallen!
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• Operate as a Two-part Physical, Psychological and Spiritual System : operates as a ‘We’ not an ‘I’
• Turn Toward
• Face-to-Face
• Eye-to-Eye
• Ear-to-Ear
• Skin-to-Skin,Touch
• Tense/Relax, Pendulation
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37. Attune CNS Systems!Oh, Beloved! How WE have Fallen!
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• Operate as a Two-part Physical, Psychological and Spiritual System : operates as a ‘We’ not an ‘I’
• Turn Toward
• Face-to-Face
• Eye-to-Eye
• Ear-to-Ear
• Skin-to-Skin,Touch
• Tense/Relax, Pendulation
Can two walk together, unless they are agreed?
Amos 3:3
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38. Attune CNS Systems!Oh, Beloved! How WE have Fallen!
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• Operate as a Two-part Physical, Psychological and Spiritual System : operates as a ‘We’ not an ‘I’
• Tense/Relax, Pendulation
Up-Regulate
Down-Regulate
Withdrawer
Pursuer
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39. Attune CNS Systems!Oh, Beloved! How WE have Fallen!
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• Operate as a Two-part Physical, Psychological and Spiritual System : operates as a ‘We’ not an ‘I’
Can two walk together, unless they are agreed?
Amos 3:3
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40. Attune CNS Systems!Oh, Beloved! How WE have Fallen!
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• Operate as a Two-part Physical, Psychological and Spiritual System : operates as a ‘We’ not an ‘I’
Turning TOWARD : Close Proximity of the Near Senses
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41. Attune CNS Systems!Oh, Beloved! How WE have Fallen!
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• Operate as a Two-part Physical, Psychological and Spiritual System : operates as a ‘We’ not an ‘I’
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42. The REPAIR Cycle!Where are you, Beloved?
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43. The REPAIR Cycle!Where are you, Beloved?
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44. Two CNS System!
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• Operate as a Two-part Physical, Psychological and Spiritual System : operates as a ‘We’ not an ‘I’
Pursuer
Withdrawer
Withdrawer
Pursuer
Regulates
Regulates
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45. Pursuer Skills
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Pursuer Withdrawer
Regulates
• Give Withdrawer SAFE HAVEN affirmations,“I appreciate your leadership /
commitment to our family, I value all that you do for us “ …
• Give Withdrawer at least 20 minute RESPITE if they are FLOODED
• Do not physically, psychologically or spiritually CORNER the Withdrawer,
• Give physical, psychological and spiritual SPACE
• Ask,“Is this a good time?” and if not, give SPACE
• Allow Withdrawer to SET the PACE,
• Ask,“do we need to pick this conversations up later?”
• Withdrawer is pained by messages of Inadequacy , Blame & Rejection,
• ALWAYS give Withdrawer GRACE + TRUTH, in that order.
• Affirm their worth, your goodwill toward them, then negotiate change
• THEN TURN TOWARD – eye-to-eye, nose-to-nose …
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46. Withdrawer Skills
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• Give Pursuer SAFE HAVEN affirmations,“I am not going anywhere,I am here
for you” …
• Give Pursuer Close Proximity after any 20 minute RESPITE from Flooding
• Do not physically, psychologically or spiritually STONEWALL
• Use technology, such as texting for quick messages that suggest,“I’m
thinking about you!”
• Reach Out Often during long periods of separation
• Pursuer is pained by messages or behaviors that look or sound like
Abandonment or Being a Burden
• Say,‘Loving you is a joy, no burden”,“I will always REACH for you”
• TURN TOWARD as soon as you can – eye-to-eye, nose-to-nose …
Withdrawer Pursuer
Regulates
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47. Routes to Repair
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SLOW
• Long paragraphs of
speech
(explanations,
reasons,excuses)
• No response (no
utterances,no
gestures,still face)
FAST
• Few,but precise
words (“Ok”,“I’m
sorry”,“You’re
right”)
• Direct, concise
speech (“I really
appreciate what
you did”,“I’m so
grateful that you're
in my life.”
QUICKEST
• Turn Toward
• Softened Facial
Expression
(Empathy)
• Gentle Prosody
(gentle vocal tone)
• Non-threatening
and non-sexual
touch)
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48. A NEW Way
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When you are able to express anger to me and I don’t back away from you, we’ve achieved a WE !
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49. The REPAIR Cycle!Where are you, Beloved?
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50. Goal: SECURE Functioning
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51. Addressing INSECURE Patterns
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52. Deficits
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• Operate as a One-part Physical, Psychological and Spiritual System : operates as an ‘I’ not a ‘We’
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53. Deficits
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• Operate as a One-part Physical, Psychological and Spiritual System : operates as an ‘I’ not a ‘We’
Possible Deficits:
• Misses microattempts at connection or repair – Adult Aspergers,ADHD, etc..
• Not able to Quickly Move into Repair - slow motor response,cultural, ETOH,
drugs, organic,medical, emotional distress (grief),pornography, masturbation
• Serious Attachment Injuries
• Alexithymia (common in anorexia,IBS, etc.) - Emotion Hue Blindness:full
spectrum,partial (ie. intense hues) spectrum
• Restricted Emotions in Childhood
• Left-brain Bias
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54. Deficits
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• Operate as a One-part Physical, Psychological and Spiritual System : operates as an ‘I’ not a ‘We’
• Serious Attachment Injuries
Proximity
Time
Close
Far
Soon Late
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55. Deficits
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• Operate as a One-part Physical, Psychological and Spiritual System : operates as an ‘I’ not a ‘We’
• Serious Attachment Injuries
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56. Deficits - Childhood
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• Operate as a One-part Physical, Psychological and Spiritual System : operates as an ‘I’ not a ‘We’
• Serious Attachment Injuries
Attachment
Signal / Bid
Response
Consequence
Was it caught?
•Secure = Yes!
•Insecure = No!
Response too late? Inconsistent?
Misattuned? Frightening?
•Secure = No!
•Insecure = Yes!
Attacked? Withdrawn from? Rejected? Punished?
•Secure = No!
•Insecure = Yes!
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Attachment
Signal / Bid
Response
Consequence
Was it caught?
•Secure = Yes!
•Insecure = No!
Response too late? Inconsistent?
Misattuned? Frightening?
•Secure = No!
•Insecure = Yes!
Attacked? Withdrawn from? Rejected? Punished?
•Secure = No!
•Insecure = Yes!
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Deficits - 2015

58. Therapeutic Interventions
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Attachment
Signal / Bid
Response
Consequence
Face Tracing
Lover’s Pose
Left-Cradle
Nonsexual Touch
Let Me Come Near
Love Aura
Secure Couple Attachment
Launching & Landing Rituals
Eye Gazing
Breathing as Two
Monkey Love
Therapeutic Charades
Therapeutic Catch
Staging Bonding Enactments
Coach Withdrawer Engagement
Coach Pursuer Softening
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59. Spiritual Warfare
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Neurons that Fire Together,Wire Together!
Do you mentally rehearse your Spouse’s flaws?
Do you have a Neural Network of Criticism? Contempt? Hate? of your Spouse?
ReWire! Come off Autopilot!
Philippians 4:8
Therefore, my brethren, those things that are true, those that are honorable,
those that are righteous, those things that are pure, those things that are precious,
those things that are praiseworthy, deeds of glory and of praise, meditate on these things.
Aramaic Bible in Plain English
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60. WHAT Next?
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Make Appointment with Christy at:
469.698.2250
•Safe Haven Packet prior to Intake
•Intake – 2 hour - $170
•Session - $85
•Weekly or EOW
Couple Therapy
April 17, 2015 6:pm – 9:pm
April 18, 2015 8:30 – 2:30
$79 per couple
Safe Haven Conference
Tuesday Nights | 6:30pm – 8:30pm
| Rm. C100
Start on any Tuesday night that
we are meeting.
Childcare: Available from 6 wks
old to grade 5
Re-ENGAGE
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61. Children & Secure Functioning
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Children & Adolescents
Therapist
Malia Nompone, MS, LPC
www.lakepointe.org/COUNSELING
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Can two walk together, unless they are agreed?
Amos 3:3
• Breaking Generational Fear Cycle Patterns
• Assisting Youth with signs of Anxious
(Pursuer) Attachment
• Assisting Youth with Signs of Avoidant
(Withdrawing) Attachment
• Assisting Child Survivors of Abuse

62. THANKYOU
Can two walk together, unless they are agreed?
Amos 3:3
Remember: Practice makes Progress!
from glory to glory …