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How to keep loving in marriage
1. How to Keep Loving in Marriage
By padma drukpa
It seems very difficult for Western people to keep love in marriage forever. I have seen many
examples of this problem, but I have the hope and wish that couples may overcome their difficulties
and toward that end I give a few of my own ideas in this booklet. To the West my thoughts may seem
very foolish, but I am just a person of the East and can talk only about the Eastern traditions.
It is said by modern youths, "Marriage is the grave burying all love!" Most of these youths have for a
long time centered their thoughts and energies on fornication. Hence in one bed a couple has four
minds, each person having two minds: one thinking about how to make love and fornicate again
soon, the other thinking about how to get another lover or love. They do not want marriage.
Especially nowadays there are many community groups which help give such people the opportunity
to meet new sexual partners. Many religious centers utilize their members' sinful habits and gather
young males and females together for meeting and choosing each other in order to collect more
money from them. This kind of love is not really human love but animal love. The result of such love
is only quarrels, fights, and suicides.
"The union of man and wife is from God, but divorce is from the devil," so said St. Augustine. It is
also said in the Jewish holy book, the Talmud: "The very altar sheds tears on him or her who
divorces his wife or her husband." If the couple is religious, their marriage is joined together by God.
It is wrong to put such a union asunder. For those to whom God is a father, the Church is also a
mother, hence divorce is born of perverted morals and vicious habits in public and private life. To
help this problem it is very important to keep loving after marriage. This is the main principle I now
wish to write about.
I. Appreciation
The first condition you must have is appreciation. According to Buddhist philosophy, among all the
various kinds of human relationships, the partnership of husband and wife is the most important. Try
to think of one's lifetime. The time spent with one's parents is only in early childhood, the first 6
years. After this the child goes to school and spends much time with teachers and professors for the
next 12 years. The time spent with friends may last from a few hours, with eating and drinking
friends, to a few years, as with friends who are fellow-workers. It is only the husband and wife who
have a relationship which may last through one's whole adult lifetime. Let us think in terms of space,
certainly the closest relationship is that of husband and wife. They live together, sleep together, play
together, eat and shop together, and give "pillow lectures" to each other together. They share
happiness and sadness together, they feed and educate their own children together. They seem to be
two people, yet they are just like one body.
It is traditionally held that God created woman for man and said that man should not be alone.
Woman and man should mutually help each other. It is said that God created Eve from Adam's rib.
Ancient sages and scholars have three different explanations about this:
2. 1. The first explanation is that, since the rib is a little crooked, "if you straighten it, you will
break it; if you leave it alone, it will always be crooked." This is written in the scripture of
Islam. This is thought to be a good way to treat each other. I don't agree with it.
2. The second explanation is that the rib is always covered, even when a man is naked. This
explanation is also written down by Mohammedans. Hence, Moslems think their wives
should be kept concealed and that a woman must be kept from other's sight, when out in
public, by wearing clothing even over her head and face. This idea I also do not think is very
good.
3. The last explanation which I appreciate the most is that the rib is very close to the heart. It is
written in the Talmud that "a wife comes from his side, that she should be near his heart."
This is why marriage is really a partnership and spouses call each other sweetheart. If you
appreciate your spouse as your own heart, then you will love each other forever.
If instead of from a rib, God had made woman from Adam's eye, she might always see his faults; if
from his head, she would control him; from his arms, she might fight with him; or from his feet, she
might run after and watch him and never let him work alone; from his belly she might ask him to
share her difficulties in pregnancy. The rib is really the best part of the body which is close to the
heart. I like this explanation. Please remember Robert Browning's poem:
If two lives join,
There is oft a scar,
They are one and one,
With a shadowy third,
One near one, is too far.
Because they are still two not really one.
One must melt into the other then they
become really one.
Hence, both should melt oneself into the other as one person, or as one looks at oneself in the glass.
It is said that one must be like a mirror image to the other. When one smiles, the other in the mirror
must also be happy, when one is sad, the other must also share the sorrow. When one laughs, the
other will smile. Always treat your spouse as if your were his or her mirror image and think of
yourselves as one person, not two people.
However, the story of creation and its explanation is a myth and not reasonably based on scientific
foundation. True talk on this subject may be found in Buddhism. All relationships are based on the
accumulation of karmas (the results of one's actions) through many past lives of endless
transmigration through which every person drives himself by his actions and ignorance. Among all
kinds of relationships, the partnership of husband and wife results from the gathering of much more
and deeper mutual karma than any other kind of relationship. And in this lifetime's marriage they
gather more good karma or bad karma which will influence not only their happiness or sadness in
their present married life together, but also in their future lives. It is not easy to get such a
relationship, therefore one should deeply appreciate it.
A man and a woman in love are incomplete until they have married. It is quite true that wives are
young men's mistresses, companions of their middle age, and old men's nurses. The opposite is also
true, that husbands are young women's lovers, companions for their middle years, and old women's
3. nurses. A modern idea is as Helen Rowland said, "Love is the quest; Marriage, the conquest; divorce,
the inquest." It seems that the progression of marriage is from bad to worse. George Jessel even
frankly joked, "Marriage is a mistake every man should make!"
To a Buddhist, marriage is a true confirmation of love. Buddha never spoke about unequalness
between the two sexes as Christianity emphasized in the Bible. Buddha never said the male was
created by the female or vice versa. Buddha always taught his lay disciples how to keep their right
love in three right ways: first of all, a husband should pay respect to his wife with right manners, feed
his wife with right food, and comfort his wife with right treatment. It is written in the sutra titled
"The 'Good Born' Young Man Sutra." He also explained about seven kinds of wives:
1. Mother-like Wife: She thinks of her husband as though she were his mother, daily helping
her husband without tire. She treats him as her own son. It is good karma to reward her
husband because she had been his mother in past lives and he had also been her filial son for
many lives.
2. Sister-like Wife: She serves her husband as her brother, with reverence, like older brother and
younger brother. It is good karma to reward her husband because she had been his young
sister in the past and had been kindly protected and affectionately loved by him in many
lives.
3. Wife of Knowledge: She faithfully and skillfully tells the truth of every kind of knowledge to
her husband and helps not only in tasks of family economy but also in education and home
plans. She is like his teacher. It is good karma to reward her husband because he had been her
dutiful guru or professor for many lifetimes.
4. A Good Wife: She is as good as a good wife should be. She is humble without pride, simple
without much cosmetics. She is not talkative. She does everything to make her husband
happy. She is meek and agreeable and never causes her husband anger. It is the very best
karma to reward her husband who had been her very helpful friend or neighbor or doctor and
who had done a lot of goodness for her health and wealth in past lives.
5. Maid-like Wife: She is filial and kind to her husband. She is a careful housekeeper and
faithful, grateful servant to her husband. She is never proud, never angry, never does
anything to make her husband unhappy. She is chaste and never has any other boy friend. She
has no quarrels, no fights, no bad manners. She treats her husband like a king.
6. Enemy-like Wife: Whenever she sees her husband she feels very angry. Though they live
together, her mind always thinks of other people and desires. She wants to run away and does
not take care of her own children. She loves the husbands of others without shame. It is a bad
karmic result. Her husband had been her enemy and treated her very badly in past lives.
7. Murderous Wife: She may put some poison in the food or do something else to kill her
husband. She remarries again only a few days after her former husband dies. This is the worst
punishment for her husband who had in previous lives killed his wife with the same poison or
knives.
A similar classification holds true for seven kinds of husbands. Most men who have bad wives
committed the sin of adultery in their own past lives. They have already received such bad
consequences as: 1. No protection for himself. 2. No protection for his wife. 3. No protection for his
family. 4. Always doubting his wife through which he commits sins again. 5. He is subject to be
killed by his enemy. 6. He is bothered by many distresses and many diseases. 7. He cannot get rich at
any risk. 8. He will be yet poorer again.
4. As Buddhism is not a gynaeco-centric theory as emphasized by the American scholar Ward, nor a
male domination theory, one should respect his or her partner in marriage. Neither husband nor wife
is the better half or the worse half. Both should respect each other even as well as they hold respect
toward God. Richard Garnett said, "Thou canst pray to God without praying to love, but thou mayst
pray to love without praying to God." Longland Said, "Love is the bliss of life, next to our Lord. It is
the graft of peace, the nearest road to heaven." J. R. Lowell has a very sweet poem to show the love
of a married couple:
True love is but a humble, low-born thing,
And hath its food served up in earthen ware,
It is a thing to walk with hand in hand
Through the everydayness of this workday.
Many people do not distinguish among the different kinds of love. Nuptial love makes mankind,
friendly love perfects it, wanton love corrupts and debases it. Love after marriage is not getting but
giving, not a wild dream of pleasure as is wanton love or the madness of desire. It should be
goodness, honor, and peace, pure and living.
Love after marriage is full of emotion which is beyond any reason or scale of justice. The person who
tries to find out the reason or define justice within their partnership just discovers some quarrels and
fights. I remember that when I was on my honeymoon I got a poem at the pillow with my bride, it
said:
Under you I do lie,
And for you I may die.
don't know the reason,
But I never ask why.
One who has never loved has never lived. One hour of true love is worth an age of dully living on.
Respect derives from love and no other condition or reason can interfere with it.
If a married couple is living together without love, how can they continuously live together? John
Gay's poem has criticized this frankly:
Love then has every bliss in store,
It is friendship, it is something more.
Each other every wish they give,
Not to know love is not to live.
If a husband and wife are themselves humble and respect their spouse as they Lord, then their love in
marriage will last throughout their whole lives. That is why it is written in the Talmud, "Be the
husband only as big as an ant, yet the wife seats herself among the great." For wives the opposite of
this sermon is also true. If you are a wife you should think that it is also true for yourself, saying, "Be
the wife only as big as an ant, yet the husband seats himself among the great." If both respect each
other like this, their love after marriage will become deeper and deeper forever.
In Confucianism there is a very well-known proverb which says, "Husband and wife should always
be respectful to each other as if newly comes a noble guest."
5. Respect is positive for love. It is also negative to one's incorrect thoughts and all vicious antagonisms
without surrendering one's belief or principles. In short, where there is respect and appreciation there
is nothing lacking in a relationship.
II. Sympathy
The second condition to keep love after marriage is to have sympathy for each other. Scott said in his
poem:
True love's the gift which God has given,
To man alone beneath the heaven.
It is the secret sympathy,
The silver link, the silken tie,
Which heart to heart, and mind to mind,
In body and in soul to bind.
When a family is fully infused with the air of sympathy, even the heavens will be in harmony. That
was why Shakespeare said, "When love speaks, the voice of all Gods make heaven drowsy with the
harmony." After marriage a husband and wife in everyday life, on every occasion, at all times must
cooperate and be united so that the two are really one. Both must always keep this idea, "I must give
what is my own to him or her. I must feel that his or her delight is my own." You must know that
whensoever you seek for yourself, then you fall from love. A proverb holds that "To be wife and
lover is hardly granted to the Gods above."
It is not reason that governs love. Love draws us one way, reason another. So far I have learned that
only Vajra love of the Buddhist Tantra can make love and reason go together. That practice uses
different terms and holds love as great compassion and reason as deep Sunyata. But I cannot write
here an essay on this profound subject which is not easy for an ordinary person to practice.
For most ordinary people, the first sign of love is the last of wisdom. That is why a German proverb
says, "The bachelor is a peacock, the engaged man a lion and the married man a jackass who has no
more wisdom but does have sex." It is not from reason and prudence that people marry, but from
inclination when two souls are one, and two hearts melt into one heart. The woman or man once
loved will always be right because love finds no fault in its object.
Love after marriage becomes much deeper and sympathetic. Whenever there is pleasure between a
couple they love all in all; whenever there is sorrow or sadness between them there is sympathy for
each other. They confound their enemies and delight their friends. They have the same good feelings.
The husband will feel that, "It is not beauty but fine qualities that keep a husband." The wife also
feels that a woman's best possession is a sympathetic husband. In women, sympathy begets love; in
men, love begets sympathy; and all husbands will feel that of all the paths that lead to a wife's love,
sympathy is the straightest.
One must always feel sympathy for the other. In this way, one can keep the opposite one in love until
life is gone. Within a partnership there is nothing to rule or control but love and sympathy. Authority
is only for children and servants. The reason why so many couples are not happy is because they
spend their time in making nets to get fish from every kind of water or in making cages to put their
6. spouse into. Hence, adultery without controlling oneself and selfishness without sympathy are both
enemies to happiness. This is why we not only need appreciation as the first condition but also
sympathy as the second condition.
Many men and women think they must control their spouses. They think "I must make him obey
me." This kind of talk is foolish and selfish. The two opposites of male and female are just like the
positive and negative forces of electricity. They must be like this so that they can help each other. Let
them have different ideas, let them have different opinions and things to talk about, but they can still
harmonize every kind of contradiction together. You must learn to agree with each other and settle all
contradictory ideas into a harmonization. Do not fear if there is some quarrel, but we must always
have sympathy with the other side. Then when we love together, there is love; and when we quarrel
together, there is also love, everlasting love. In this way our love will last a long time.
It is so pitiful that most young couples try to know each other and fall in love in only 3 days, love
each other for only 3 weeks, squabble with each other for 3 months, tolerate each other for 3 years,
and then some of them get divorced while a few others continuously bear their pains for about 30
years and die under such unhappy conditions. And their children learn about this from them and
repeat the pattern. Our society is full of such sorrows. That is why there is a crying need for
sympathy.
One should not let one's spouse discover that one's bravery is only bravado, that one's strength is only
a uniform, that one's power is only a gun in the hands of a fool. You should give appreciation to each
other, humbly respect each other and have sympathy for each other.
Many people want to justify their divorces. Actually there is no reason at all for any case of divorce.
As I have already said, love is a kind of emotion or passion or sensation, it is like a fire you cannot
weigh and like a wind you cannot measure. The only word instead of love after marriage is
sympathy.
The New Testament taught us how to be sympathetic, "Rejoice with them that do rejoice, weep with
them that weep." Do not let your wife or husband weep alone. We sink as easily as we rise through
sympathy and we learn to flow for others' good and melt for others' woes. When your own teeth ache
then you know how to be sympathetic towards someone who has a toothache. Sympathy is a
supporting atmosphere and in it we unfold easily and well. Sympathy is having your pain in my
heart. We should try to be sympathetic in time, before an affliction is digested, consolation never
comes too soon and after a problem is digested, it comes too late. When one is married, deep love is
when sympathy comes just in time. Every sorrow or pain of any cause will be dissolved into it.
III. Forgiveness
There is no one who is without fault or sin. We, just as all sentient beings, have been in
transmigration for countless life times. A married couple has loved and hated each other through
many lifetimes of marriage. Unless and until we are able to free ourselves altogether from
transmigration, we must bear the pain that arises from each other. If we try to appreciate each other
and have sympathy for each other but find we are still unable to stop the thought of divorce, the only
way to cure this is forgiveness.
7. Our God forgives us so much so we must forgive each other. There is no perfect man. Many foolish
people just like to imagine that there is a perfect wife for them somewhere and do not trust their
existing wife. This is very foolish. You must trust each other and not imagine any one else. Just keep
your faith in each other and if something unpleasant happens, you must forgive each other. When
you forgive each other, the argument is finished and you can love deeply again.
The main problem leading to divorce appears to be infidelity. Once the marriage vows are broken
there is an unwillingness to forgive. The problem is just like an onion which has a strong outer
coating but which, once removed grows a new one. Both sides of a couple, male or female, easily
commit adultery in our Kali age. Before marriage, it seems that everyone nowadays has committed
the sexual act. Parents cannot stop it, teachers cannot forbid it, doctors cannot cure it. And after
marriage, who dares to say that you suddenly have the power to control your spouse who has not
been controlled before.
Once I was asked by a Tibetan pilgrim for a divination. He wanted to know whether his wife
remained chaste or not after his departure. I immediately replied without making a divination, "This
needs no divination. Please reflect upon yourself, if you have committed adultery three times after
your departure, your wife will not commit adultery less than three times." Sir Philip Sidney said,
"Who doth desire that chaste his wife should be, first he be true, for truth doth truth deserve."
If you yourself have committed adultery and you can forgive yourself, why can't you do the same for
your wife's actions? One should keep one's eyes wide open only before marriage, but half shut
afterwards. Actually, even if your eyes were widely open before marriage, your eyes at that time
were clouded by your love which hid all your spouse's faults. You chose to believe that she was still
a virgin. If after marriage you keep your love, you need not shut your eyes but should still trust her as
well as if she were still a virgin, as if even you yourself kept her virginity intact. As I have said
before, there is no reason or fault to be held against your spouse. We should love without reserve.
That is why Rabindranath Tagore said, "Chastity is a wealth that comes from the abundance of love."
A strong doubt about the other's chastity is just selfishness. You should trust each other. Ebert
Hubbard writes in his work "The Note Book" (1927): "There are six requisites in every happy
marriage. The first is faith, and the remaining five are confidence." A man who marries a woman to
educate her falls a victim to the same fallacy as the woman who marries a man to reform him. One
should not try to change the other but always be aware of what the whole life of marriage is made of,
three parts of love to seven parts of forgiveness.
As I have mentioned many times in this article, the relationship of husband and wife is based
principally on love, not on reason. Whence our manner to each other should be only to forgive, not to
judge. We should pardon each other as long as we love each other. Through forgiveness what is
broken is made whole again and what is soiled is again made clean.
Another problem which very often occurs in married life is quarrels. Do not fear a quarrel. This can
also be a requisite for love. A quarrel can be considered an opportunity to get some rest as too much
sex is not good for your health. You can think, "Oh, God wants me to rest and have some time to
relax and to reflect on myself. It will be good to have a few days separation. Afterwards we can
become harmonized again."
One should not selfishly say that my wife must obey me and I must control her, because it is not right
for either wife or husband to control the other. Try to learn from the chickens. When the hen crows
8. after she lays her egg, the rooster keeps still. When the cock heralds the dawn, the hen sleeps. They
never quarrel with each other.
If there is no way to stop the opposite spouse from quarreling, one must bear it for the time being and
wait with love and patience and keep silent yourself. He or she will feel tired when they find no one
to quarrel with. A sharp tongue is the only edged tool that grows keener with constant use against the
same kind of tool.
Don't let a little thing start a long quarrel and from that let it lead to a divorce. Before a quarrel
grows, one must use forgiveness. A quarrel takes place between a couple and never takes place alone.
If either side has forgiveness, the quarrel will be stopped in time. Otherwise, as Edgar Lee Masters
said, "Hats may make a divorce" and as Shakespeare said, "Why quarrel with a man that has a hair
less in his beard than you have." A little flame may cause a large calamity destroying one hundred
miles of forest.
There can be fearful excitement on any side. Any one is able to accuse the other. Accusation may
divide their true hearts as a mighty stream of water can divide mountains of solid rock. So our
measurement of true love is not where he or she stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but
where he or she stands at times of challenge and controversy. To keep such a standard of love,
forgiveness is the most important source which enables discord to give way to the relish of concord.
One must recognize that even the sun and moon which are as different as bright day and night, still
float each in their own orbit but make a great harmony of the universe. The sun never takes over the
moon any more than the Red Communists of the East can take over the free world of the West. In
Confucianism there is an example of a couple with the husband as the sun and the wife as the moon
who together make the Chinese "Ming" word of brightness with the sun on the left and the moon on
the right. Hence we need not fear different ideas occurring between couples but we must forgive each
other and achieve the harmony which dissipates all differences and opposites without quarrels and
fights but with love and sympathy. We must pardon each other as long as we love each other. When
we love we find nothing missing and no sins in our spouse.
If one side can forgive the other, it will cause forgiveness to come from the other side, too. It is just
as Allah says, "He who approaches near to me one span, I will approach to him one cubit; and he
who approaches to me one cubit, I will approach to him one fathom, and he who ever approaches to
me walking, I will come to him running, and he who meets with sins equivalent to the whole world, I
will greet him with forgiveness equal to it."
As we love, we must forgive to the same degree that we love. Whenever there is a cause for anger or
quarrel, we should use forgiveness at the starting point of such a time. In doing this we will not have
to endure its passing and suffer in unnecessary pain. Whenever forgiveness is done, it ought to be
like a canceled check, torn into several pieces and burnt up so that it can never be made whole again
and held against the other side. After forgiveness is offered, immediately choose some pleasure
which your spouse likes, and enjoy it together. Just as when one eats too much hot pepper, one
should immediately drink some ice water or eat something sweet. One must recognize that you
yourself are not so good and perfect so that your spouse may sometimes dislike you and have anger,
then you can easily use forgiveness. And forgiveness offered in such a way is surely the means to
give and gain new love and new life on both sides.
9. Following the act of forgiveness, sweet harmony may prevail in the family! The harmonious family
produces divine life. Every home works through this harmony or agreement and is like a steamship
pulled in one direction by both partners--if it were pulled in opposite directions it would keel over.
There should be no separation, no divorce, only love and happiness. This is what I hope my readers
may share with me.
Conclusion:
Through the above three conditions of appreciation, sympathy, and forgiveness, one's marriage may
never be broken. In that hope, our sages arranged some special good names to celebrate each period
of marriage that we pass through. I would like to introduce all these good and lovely celebration
names below as an auspicious conclusion of this article. May all my good readers celebrate all of
them!
Years of Name of
Marriage Wedding
Anniversary
25 Silver
30 Pearl
35 Coral
40 Ruby
45 Sapphire
50 Gold
55 Beryl
60 Diamond
70 Platinum
(White Gold)
After the platinum wedding anniversary, a couple may be about 100 years old. Is it possible to be
reborn as the same couple in every lifetime? Yes! If their vows and their good karmas in this lifetime
have been well accumulated, this may happen. Nevertheless, such a mundane marriage will
eventually come to an end, sooner or later. It may be asked, is there any extra-mundane marriage
which consists of real and everlasting love? Yes! I am sorry to say that even the above three
10. principles of appreciation, sympathy, and forgiveness have nothing to do with everlasting love, even
as practiced by Mary and Joseph who were married with the God-Jehovah as their go-between.
However, in Tantric Buddhism which emphasizes Vajra Love, there really is an eternal marriage as
exemplified or personified by many Indian and Tibetan sages such as Padmasambhva, Saraha, and
Marpa.
Actually, Yoga is the holy name of extra-mundane marriage. Yoga means union. Buddhist yoga is
the Great Compassion of the male marrying with the Deep Wisdom of the female, or in other terms,
the Great Bodhicitta marrying the Deep Sunyata. Whenever such a marriage occurs, there is
ceaseless love lasting forever.
Appreciation is connected with the Yidam and Dakini, sympathy is between altruism and non-
egoism, while forgiveness is witnessed by the Buddhas of the ten directions and three periods (past,
present, and future). These are holy, sacred, everlasting, and a total salvation of the entire sphere of
the Nine-Havenesses including all Gods.
As the three principles of appreciation, sympathy and forgiveness under mundane circumstances are
still so difficult for most people to practice, how can I trust any modern youths to practice the extra-
mundane ones? This is why in this article I have not written any Tantric methods of marriage love. I
do hope there might be some people who have the foundation to learn and practice Vajra Love from
our Gurus.
11. LOVE
When your mind becomes motionless
and the brilliant eyes of the peaceful mind
take a straight look down into the depth of your heart
you will see the life-force pulsating and thriving
in the warmth of pure love.
As you experience this pure love
what we all call "heart"
beams of light will begin to radiate from the center of it
for heaven is there in eternity.
If you can release this radiance of love
and allow it to flow through you,
your heart will become light.
The spirit will get liberated into the air
and then, from a place of inner stillness
you will know what it would be like
to be an eagle and soar in the evening skies.
And most of all,
you would understand
what it would be like
to be perfectly sane.
IF
If you can keep your head,
When all about you are losing
theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when
all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their
doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired
by waiting,
Or being lied about, don't deal
in lies,
Or being hated, don't give way
to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor
PEACE IS EVERY STEP talk too wise:
12. by Thich Nhat-HanPeace is every step.
The shining red sun is my heart.
Each flower smiles with me. If you can dream - and not
How green, how fresh all that grows. make dreams your master;
How cool the wind blows. If you can think - and not make
Peace is every step. thoughts your aim;
It turns the endless path to joy. If you can meet with Triumph
and Disaster
And treat these two imposters
just the same;
If you can bear to hear the
truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a
trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave
your life to, broken,
And stoop and build 'em up
with worn-out tools:
If you can make one heap of all
your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-
and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your
beginnings
And never breathe a word about
your loss;
If you can force your heart and
nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after
they are gone,
And so hold on when there is
nothing in you
Except the Will which says to
them: `Hold on!'
If you can talk with crowds and
keep your virtue,
Or walk with Kings - nor lose
the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends
can hurt you,
If all men count with you, but
none too much;
13. If you can fill the unforgiving
minute
With sixty seconds' worth of
distance run,
Yours is the Earth and
everything that's in it,
And - which is more - you'll be
a Man, my son!
^Top of Page
AUTOBIOGRAPHY IN FIVE CHAPTERS
1) I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk
I fall in.
I am lost...
I am hopeless.
It isn't my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.
2) I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don't see it.
I fall in again.
I can't believe I'm in the same place.
But it isn't my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.
3) I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in...it's a habit
My eyes are open; I know where I am;
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.
4) I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.
5) I walk down another street.
14. Inside this new love, die.
Your way begins on the other
side.
Become the sky.
Take an axe to the prison wall.
Escape.
Walk out like someone suddenly
born into color.
Do it now.
You're covered with thick clouds.
Slide out the side. Die,
and be quiet. Quietness is the
surest sign
that you've died.
Your old life was a frantic
running
from silence.
The speechless full moon
comes out now.
TODAY
Vijaya Samarawickama, A Buddhist Reflects on Happy Living, 2004
This day is a special day, it is yours.
Yesterday slipped away, it cannot be filled anymore with meaning.
About tomorrow nothing is known.
But this day, today, is yours, make use of it.
Today you can make someone happy.
Today you can help another.
This day is a special day, it is yours.
LOVE
If you develop love truly great,
rid of the desire to hold and
possess.
That strong, clean love untarnished
by lust,
that love which does not expect to
15. be repayed,
that love which is firm but not grasping,
enduring but not tied down,
gentle and settled,
diamond-hard but unhurting,
helpful but not interfering,
cool and refreshing,
giving more than taking,
dignified but not proud,
soft but not weak,
that love which leads to Enlightenment,
then you will be washed of all ill-will.
DESENSITIZATION
LET'S NOT BLOW IT
the child There are millions of years in the
after realizing its mother past
had led it astray There are millions of years ahead
since the first of us
lessons in thought: And here we are
Right in the middle
"why did you lie to me?"
Then there's space
There are miles and miles of space
"because I did not know a lie in all directions
could look and feel to the senses And here we are
like an absolute truth" Right in the middle
This is a big deal
Being in the middle of time and
space
It sort of makes your eyes water
We'd never find this moment
again
In a million years
This is our world
Let's not blow it
^Top of Page
16. WITHIN YOU WITHOUT YOU
We were talking - about the space between us all
And the people - who hide themselves behind a wall of illusion
Never glimpse the truth - then it's far too late - when they pass away.
We were talking - about the love we all could share - when we find it
To try our best to hold it there - with our love
With our love - we could save the world - if they only knew.
Try to realise it's all within yourself no-one else can make you change
And to see you're really only very small,
And life flows on within you and without you.
We were talking - about the love that's gone so cold and the people,
Who gain the world and lose their soul - they don't know - they can't see - are you one of them?
When you've seen beyond yourself - then you may find, peace of mind is waiting there -
And the time will come when you see we're all one, and life flows on within you and without you.
BETTER
Better than a thousand
Hollow words
Is one word that brings peace.
Better than a thousand
Hollow verses
Is one verse that brings peace.
Better than a hundred
Hollow lines
Is one line of the law, Bringing
peace.
It is better to conquer yourself
Than to win a thousand battles;
Then the victory is yours.
MIND
You don't have to do anything with your mind,
just let it naturally rest in it's essential nature.
Your own mind, unagitated, is reality.
Meditate on this without distraction.
Know the Truth beyond all opposites.
Thoughts are like bubbles that form and dissolve in clear water.
17. Thoughts are not distinct from the absolute Reality,
so relax, there is no need to be critical.
Whatever arises, whatever occurs,
simply don't cling to it, but immediately let it go.
What you see, hear, and touch are your own mind.
There is nothing but mind.
Mind transcends birth and death.
The essence of mind is pure Consciousness that never leaves reality,
even though it experiences the things of the senses.
In the equanimity of the Absolute, there is nothing to renounce or attain.
^Top of Page
SPIRITUAL LIFE IS A LIFE OF SEARCH
Spiritual life is a life of search...but a true search.
Not to investigate and to seek what you hope to discover,
Not the object of your aspiration,
But what you are.
Meditation is just a search for the meditator.
Enlightenment is to discover...
To discover that there is no discoverer, and there is nothing to discover...
Enlightenment is to be.
To be the most wonderful discovery of what can not be found.
It is to arrive to no where...
To meet no one.
You fail, because of your habit to search only for that which satisfies your needs.
Get rid of all this need.
And you will see...
Get rid of all that you have.
And you will see...
Throw away all that can be thrown.
And you will see...
Give up these words, and what they
make you feel
And you will see...
Give up your attempt to give up.
And you will see...
Give up your attempt to see.
Because then you will really see...
The farther the object you search
for, the better eyesight you need.
That which is closest to you, you
have to be.
18. TAKE HEART
But also
take comfort, healing, rest and
love
Leave sorrow
amongst the rocks and woods
who most of the time
are far stronger
PRECONCEPTIONS
better able to handle such loads
Just as fog is dispelled by the strength of the Take courage
sun But also,
and is dispelled no other way, take honesty, courtesy, empathy
preconception is cleared by the strength of and patience
realization. Leave doubt
There's no other way of clearing .......... amidst the deep ocean waters
preconceptions. watch it sink there
Experience them as baseless dreams. until you cannot cling to it any
Experience them as ephemeral bubbles. longer
Experience them as insubstantial rainbows. Take faith
Experience them as indivisible space. but leave with an open mind, an
open hand, open arms
Take whatever you need to make
it through
leave what keeps you from going
on
Tears only go so far
Fear only holds so long
Though your feet may bleed and
your hands, tremble
Take deep compassion for the
suffering of another
and journey on
^Top of Page
SPEAKING TRUTH
It is possible to speak truth in anger.
20. Poem
Happiness is not to be found with many efforts or will, but is here, nearby, in your relaxing and
surrendering.
Don't worry, there is nothing to be done.
Everything that comes up to your mind has no importance because it has no reality.
Don't conceive any attachment for it.
Don't judge yourself.
Let it be.
Let it come up and down without changing a thing.
It all vanishes and begins again, endlessly.
Nothing but the quest for happiness prevents us from seeing it.
It is like a rainbow that one is always chasing without ever reaching it.
It is because it has no existence.
It has always been here and goes with you all the time.
Don't believe in the reality of experiences, good or bad.
They are like rainbows.
Because we want to grasp what is not to be grasped,
We exhaust our strength in vain.
As soon as we relinquish our hold, space is here, open, welcoming & comfortable.
So, do enjoy it.
Everything is yours already.
Stop searching.
Don't go into the jungle to look for the elephant that is quietly waiting for you at home.
There is nothing to do.
There is nothing to force.
There is nothing to desire.
And all comes by itself.
SONG OF THE DIAMOND HEART
The pine tree's voice is always whispering
Yet how many pause to listen?
For when the churning mind is still,
The Diamond Heart within
Reflects even the falling dusk that
Shrouds every eye and branch
And hears, but listens not.
Walking then, with Courage and Kindness,
Never ceasing to walk in Wonder,
We follow our ancient path.
For the Way of the sword is folded two;
Like the rose we have thorns,
And like the rose, we unfold
21. LIFE
I will cast out
All the vagueness and
indecision within me
Because my wish is to
construct
The castle of my whole
life
On the fulfillment of
each promise that I
make.
I want to live my life
As a surpassingly
broadminded man
Known for being happy
and honest
A New House
A person in whom
people can have If I search your face only looking for my reflection
absolute trust. How can I see you as you really are
I've put behind me If I fill the hours with empty chatter
The age of dreaming How can I hear you when you finally decide to talk
about a rosy future It is love, indeed
And with roots This that brings me to you
extended into life's And this is why a new house needs to be built
reality With doors big enough for understanding and compassion to fit through
I realise that the power
to create happiness
Derives from what we
actually do today.
22. Stop killing!
For countless years the bitter stew of hate goes boiling on.
Its vengeful broth is ocean deep, impossible to calm.
To learn the cause of all this conflict,
Terror, bombs and war,
Listen to the cries at midnight by the butcher's door.
Do not stand at my grave and weep
Do not stand at my grave and weep,
I am not there, I do not sleep.
I am in a thousand winds that blow,
I am the softly falling snow.
I am the gentle showers of rain,
I am the fields of ripening grain.
I am in the morning hush,
I am in the graceful rush
Of beautiful birds in circling flight,
I am the starshine of the night.
I am in the flowers that bloom,
I am in a quiet room.
I am in the birds that sing,
I am in each lovely thing.
Do not stand at my grave and cry,
I am not there. I do not die. By padma drukpa . thanks you all.
