How to keep loving in marriage

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How to keep loving in marriage

  1. 1. How to Keep Loving in Marriage By padma drukpaIt seems very difficult for Western people to keep love in marriage forever. I have seen manyexamples of this problem, but I have the hope and wish that couples may overcome their difficultiesand toward that end I give a few of my own ideas in this booklet. To the West my thoughts may seemvery foolish, but I am just a person of the East and can talk only about the Eastern traditions.It is said by modern youths, "Marriage is the grave burying all love!" Most of these youths have for along time centered their thoughts and energies on fornication. Hence in one bed a couple has fourminds, each person having two minds: one thinking about how to make love and fornicate againsoon, the other thinking about how to get another lover or love. They do not want marriage.Especially nowadays there are many community groups which help give such people the opportunityto meet new sexual partners. Many religious centers utilize their members sinful habits and gatheryoung males and females together for meeting and choosing each other in order to collect moremoney from them. This kind of love is not really human love but animal love. The result of such loveis only quarrels, fights, and suicides."The union of man and wife is from God, but divorce is from the devil," so said St. Augustine. It isalso said in the Jewish holy book, the Talmud: "The very altar sheds tears on him or her whodivorces his wife or her husband." If the couple is religious, their marriage is joined together by God.It is wrong to put such a union asunder. For those to whom God is a father, the Church is also amother, hence divorce is born of perverted morals and vicious habits in public and private life. Tohelp this problem it is very important to keep loving after marriage. This is the main principle I nowwish to write about.I. AppreciationThe first condition you must have is appreciation. According to Buddhist philosophy, among all thevarious kinds of human relationships, the partnership of husband and wife is the most important. Tryto think of ones lifetime. The time spent with ones parents is only in early childhood, the first 6years. After this the child goes to school and spends much time with teachers and professors for thenext 12 years. The time spent with friends may last from a few hours, with eating and drinkingfriends, to a few years, as with friends who are fellow-workers. It is only the husband and wife whohave a relationship which may last through ones whole adult lifetime. Let us think in terms of space,certainly the closest relationship is that of husband and wife. They live together, sleep together, playtogether, eat and shop together, and give "pillow lectures" to each other together. They sharehappiness and sadness together, they feed and educate their own children together. They seem to betwo people, yet they are just like one body.It is traditionally held that God created woman for man and said that man should not be alone.Woman and man should mutually help each other. It is said that God created Eve from Adams rib.Ancient sages and scholars have three different explanations about this:
  2. 2. 1. The first explanation is that, since the rib is a little crooked, "if you straighten it, you will break it; if you leave it alone, it will always be crooked." This is written in the scripture of Islam. This is thought to be a good way to treat each other. I dont agree with it. 2. The second explanation is that the rib is always covered, even when a man is naked. This explanation is also written down by Mohammedans. Hence, Moslems think their wives should be kept concealed and that a woman must be kept from others sight, when out in public, by wearing clothing even over her head and face. This idea I also do not think is very good. 3. The last explanation which I appreciate the most is that the rib is very close to the heart. It is written in the Talmud that "a wife comes from his side, that she should be near his heart." This is why marriage is really a partnership and spouses call each other sweetheart. If you appreciate your spouse as your own heart, then you will love each other forever.If instead of from a rib, God had made woman from Adams eye, she might always see his faults; iffrom his head, she would control him; from his arms, she might fight with him; or from his feet, shemight run after and watch him and never let him work alone; from his belly she might ask him toshare her difficulties in pregnancy. The rib is really the best part of the body which is close to theheart. I like this explanation. Please remember Robert Brownings poem: If two lives join, There is oft a scar, They are one and one, With a shadowy third, One near one, is too far. Because they are still two not really one. One must melt into the other then they become really one.Hence, both should melt oneself into the other as one person, or as one looks at oneself in the glass.It is said that one must be like a mirror image to the other. When one smiles, the other in the mirrormust also be happy, when one is sad, the other must also share the sorrow. When one laughs, theother will smile. Always treat your spouse as if your were his or her mirror image and think ofyourselves as one person, not two people.However, the story of creation and its explanation is a myth and not reasonably based on scientificfoundation. True talk on this subject may be found in Buddhism. All relationships are based on theaccumulation of karmas (the results of ones actions) through many past lives of endlesstransmigration through which every person drives himself by his actions and ignorance. Among allkinds of relationships, the partnership of husband and wife results from the gathering of much moreand deeper mutual karma than any other kind of relationship. And in this lifetimes marriage theygather more good karma or bad karma which will influence not only their happiness or sadness intheir present married life together, but also in their future lives. It is not easy to get such arelationship, therefore one should deeply appreciate it.A man and a woman in love are incomplete until they have married. It is quite true that wives areyoung mens mistresses, companions of their middle age, and old mens nurses. The opposite is alsotrue, that husbands are young womens lovers, companions for their middle years, and old womens
  3. 3. nurses. A modern idea is as Helen Rowland said, "Love is the quest; Marriage, the conquest; divorce,the inquest." It seems that the progression of marriage is from bad to worse. George Jessel evenfrankly joked, "Marriage is a mistake every man should make!"To a Buddhist, marriage is a true confirmation of love. Buddha never spoke about unequalnessbetween the two sexes as Christianity emphasized in the Bible. Buddha never said the male wascreated by the female or vice versa. Buddha always taught his lay disciples how to keep their rightlove in three right ways: first of all, a husband should pay respect to his wife with right manners, feedhis wife with right food, and comfort his wife with right treatment. It is written in the sutra titled"The Good Born Young Man Sutra." He also explained about seven kinds of wives: 1. Mother-like Wife: She thinks of her husband as though she were his mother, daily helping her husband without tire. She treats him as her own son. It is good karma to reward her husband because she had been his mother in past lives and he had also been her filial son for many lives. 2. Sister-like Wife: She serves her husband as her brother, with reverence, like older brother and younger brother. It is good karma to reward her husband because she had been his young sister in the past and had been kindly protected and affectionately loved by him in many lives. 3. Wife of Knowledge: She faithfully and skillfully tells the truth of every kind of knowledge to her husband and helps not only in tasks of family economy but also in education and home plans. She is like his teacher. It is good karma to reward her husband because he had been her dutiful guru or professor for many lifetimes. 4. A Good Wife: She is as good as a good wife should be. She is humble without pride, simple without much cosmetics. She is not talkative. She does everything to make her husband happy. She is meek and agreeable and never causes her husband anger. It is the very best karma to reward her husband who had been her very helpful friend or neighbor or doctor and who had done a lot of goodness for her health and wealth in past lives. 5. Maid-like Wife: She is filial and kind to her husband. She is a careful housekeeper and faithful, grateful servant to her husband. She is never proud, never angry, never does anything to make her husband unhappy. She is chaste and never has any other boy friend. She has no quarrels, no fights, no bad manners. She treats her husband like a king. 6. Enemy-like Wife: Whenever she sees her husband she feels very angry. Though they live together, her mind always thinks of other people and desires. She wants to run away and does not take care of her own children. She loves the husbands of others without shame. It is a bad karmic result. Her husband had been her enemy and treated her very badly in past lives. 7. Murderous Wife: She may put some poison in the food or do something else to kill her husband. She remarries again only a few days after her former husband dies. This is the worst punishment for her husband who had in previous lives killed his wife with the same poison or knives.A similar classification holds true for seven kinds of husbands. Most men who have bad wivescommitted the sin of adultery in their own past lives. They have already received such badconsequences as: 1. No protection for himself. 2. No protection for his wife. 3. No protection for hisfamily. 4. Always doubting his wife through which he commits sins again. 5. He is subject to bekilled by his enemy. 6. He is bothered by many distresses and many diseases. 7. He cannot get rich atany risk. 8. He will be yet poorer again.
  4. 4. As Buddhism is not a gynaeco-centric theory as emphasized by the American scholar Ward, nor amale domination theory, one should respect his or her partner in marriage. Neither husband nor wifeis the better half or the worse half. Both should respect each other even as well as they hold respecttoward God. Richard Garnett said, "Thou canst pray to God without praying to love, but thou maystpray to love without praying to God." Longland Said, "Love is the bliss of life, next to our Lord. It isthe graft of peace, the nearest road to heaven." J. R. Lowell has a very sweet poem to show the loveof a married couple: True love is but a humble, low-born thing, And hath its food served up in earthen ware, It is a thing to walk with hand in hand Through the everydayness of this workday.Many people do not distinguish among the different kinds of love. Nuptial love makes mankind,friendly love perfects it, wanton love corrupts and debases it. Love after marriage is not getting butgiving, not a wild dream of pleasure as is wanton love or the madness of desire. It should begoodness, honor, and peace, pure and living.Love after marriage is full of emotion which is beyond any reason or scale of justice. The person whotries to find out the reason or define justice within their partnership just discovers some quarrels andfights. I remember that when I was on my honeymoon I got a poem at the pillow with my bride, itsaid: Under you I do lie, And for you I may die. dont know the reason, But I never ask why.One who has never loved has never lived. One hour of true love is worth an age of dully living on.Respect derives from love and no other condition or reason can interfere with it.If a married couple is living together without love, how can they continuously live together? JohnGays poem has criticized this frankly: Love then has every bliss in store, It is friendship, it is something more. Each other every wish they give, Not to know love is not to live.If a husband and wife are themselves humble and respect their spouse as they Lord, then their love inmarriage will last throughout their whole lives. That is why it is written in the Talmud, "Be thehusband only as big as an ant, yet the wife seats herself among the great." For wives the opposite ofthis sermon is also true. If you are a wife you should think that it is also true for yourself, saying, "Bethe wife only as big as an ant, yet the husband seats himself among the great." If both respect eachother like this, their love after marriage will become deeper and deeper forever.In Confucianism there is a very well-known proverb which says, "Husband and wife should alwaysbe respectful to each other as if newly comes a noble guest."
  5. 5. Respect is positive for love. It is also negative to ones incorrect thoughts and all vicious antagonismswithout surrendering ones belief or principles. In short, where there is respect and appreciation thereis nothing lacking in a relationship.II. SympathyThe second condition to keep love after marriage is to have sympathy for each other. Scott said in hispoem: True loves the gift which God has given, To man alone beneath the heaven. It is the secret sympathy, The silver link, the silken tie, Which heart to heart, and mind to mind, In body and in soul to bind.When a family is fully infused with the air of sympathy, even the heavens will be in harmony. Thatwas why Shakespeare said, "When love speaks, the voice of all Gods make heaven drowsy with theharmony." After marriage a husband and wife in everyday life, on every occasion, at all times mustcooperate and be united so that the two are really one. Both must always keep this idea, "I must givewhat is my own to him or her. I must feel that his or her delight is my own." You must know thatwhensoever you seek for yourself, then you fall from love. A proverb holds that "To be wife andlover is hardly granted to the Gods above."It is not reason that governs love. Love draws us one way, reason another. So far I have learned thatonly Vajra love of the Buddhist Tantra can make love and reason go together. That practice usesdifferent terms and holds love as great compassion and reason as deep Sunyata. But I cannot writehere an essay on this profound subject which is not easy for an ordinary person to practice.For most ordinary people, the first sign of love is the last of wisdom. That is why a German proverbsays, "The bachelor is a peacock, the engaged man a lion and the married man a jackass who has nomore wisdom but does have sex." It is not from reason and prudence that people marry, but frominclination when two souls are one, and two hearts melt into one heart. The woman or man onceloved will always be right because love finds no fault in its object.Love after marriage becomes much deeper and sympathetic. Whenever there is pleasure between acouple they love all in all; whenever there is sorrow or sadness between them there is sympathy foreach other. They confound their enemies and delight their friends. They have the same good feelings.The husband will feel that, "It is not beauty but fine qualities that keep a husband." The wife alsofeels that a womans best possession is a sympathetic husband. In women, sympathy begets love; inmen, love begets sympathy; and all husbands will feel that of all the paths that lead to a wifes love,sympathy is the straightest.One must always feel sympathy for the other. In this way, one can keep the opposite one in love untillife is gone. Within a partnership there is nothing to rule or control but love and sympathy. Authorityis only for children and servants. The reason why so many couples are not happy is because theyspend their time in making nets to get fish from every kind of water or in making cages to put their
  6. 6. spouse into. Hence, adultery without controlling oneself and selfishness without sympathy are bothenemies to happiness. This is why we not only need appreciation as the first condition but alsosympathy as the second condition.Many men and women think they must control their spouses. They think "I must make him obeyme." This kind of talk is foolish and selfish. The two opposites of male and female are just like thepositive and negative forces of electricity. They must be like this so that they can help each other. Letthem have different ideas, let them have different opinions and things to talk about, but they can stillharmonize every kind of contradiction together. You must learn to agree with each other and settle allcontradictory ideas into a harmonization. Do not fear if there is some quarrel, but we must alwayshave sympathy with the other side. Then when we love together, there is love; and when we quarreltogether, there is also love, everlasting love. In this way our love will last a long time.It is so pitiful that most young couples try to know each other and fall in love in only 3 days, loveeach other for only 3 weeks, squabble with each other for 3 months, tolerate each other for 3 years,and then some of them get divorced while a few others continuously bear their pains for about 30years and die under such unhappy conditions. And their children learn about this from them andrepeat the pattern. Our society is full of such sorrows. That is why there is a crying need forsympathy.One should not let ones spouse discover that ones bravery is only bravado, that ones strength is onlya uniform, that ones power is only a gun in the hands of a fool. You should give appreciation to eachother, humbly respect each other and have sympathy for each other.Many people want to justify their divorces. Actually there is no reason at all for any case of divorce.As I have already said, love is a kind of emotion or passion or sensation, it is like a fire you cannotweigh and like a wind you cannot measure. The only word instead of love after marriage issympathy.The New Testament taught us how to be sympathetic, "Rejoice with them that do rejoice, weep withthem that weep." Do not let your wife or husband weep alone. We sink as easily as we rise throughsympathy and we learn to flow for others good and melt for others woes. When your own teeth achethen you know how to be sympathetic towards someone who has a toothache. Sympathy is asupporting atmosphere and in it we unfold easily and well. Sympathy is having your pain in myheart. We should try to be sympathetic in time, before an affliction is digested, consolation nevercomes too soon and after a problem is digested, it comes too late. When one is married, deep love iswhen sympathy comes just in time. Every sorrow or pain of any cause will be dissolved into it.III. ForgivenessThere is no one who is without fault or sin. We, just as all sentient beings, have been intransmigration for countless life times. A married couple has loved and hated each other throughmany lifetimes of marriage. Unless and until we are able to free ourselves altogether fromtransmigration, we must bear the pain that arises from each other. If we try to appreciate each otherand have sympathy for each other but find we are still unable to stop the thought of divorce, the onlyway to cure this is forgiveness.
  7. 7. Our God forgives us so much so we must forgive each other. There is no perfect man. Many foolishpeople just like to imagine that there is a perfect wife for them somewhere and do not trust theirexisting wife. This is very foolish. You must trust each other and not imagine any one else. Just keepyour faith in each other and if something unpleasant happens, you must forgive each other. Whenyou forgive each other, the argument is finished and you can love deeply again.The main problem leading to divorce appears to be infidelity. Once the marriage vows are brokenthere is an unwillingness to forgive. The problem is just like an onion which has a strong outercoating but which, once removed grows a new one. Both sides of a couple, male or female, easilycommit adultery in our Kali age. Before marriage, it seems that everyone nowadays has committedthe sexual act. Parents cannot stop it, teachers cannot forbid it, doctors cannot cure it. And aftermarriage, who dares to say that you suddenly have the power to control your spouse who has notbeen controlled before.Once I was asked by a Tibetan pilgrim for a divination. He wanted to know whether his wiferemained chaste or not after his departure. I immediately replied without making a divination, "Thisneeds no divination. Please reflect upon yourself, if you have committed adultery three times afteryour departure, your wife will not commit adultery less than three times." Sir Philip Sidney said,"Who doth desire that chaste his wife should be, first he be true, for truth doth truth deserve."If you yourself have committed adultery and you can forgive yourself, why cant you do the same foryour wifes actions? One should keep ones eyes wide open only before marriage, but half shutafterwards. Actually, even if your eyes were widely open before marriage, your eyes at that timewere clouded by your love which hid all your spouses faults. You chose to believe that she was stilla virgin. If after marriage you keep your love, you need not shut your eyes but should still trust her aswell as if she were still a virgin, as if even you yourself kept her virginity intact. As I have saidbefore, there is no reason or fault to be held against your spouse. We should love without reserve.That is why Rabindranath Tagore said, "Chastity is a wealth that comes from the abundance of love."A strong doubt about the others chastity is just selfishness. You should trust each other. EbertHubbard writes in his work "The Note Book" (1927): "There are six requisites in every happymarriage. The first is faith, and the remaining five are confidence." A man who marries a woman toeducate her falls a victim to the same fallacy as the woman who marries a man to reform him. Oneshould not try to change the other but always be aware of what the whole life of marriage is made of,three parts of love to seven parts of forgiveness.As I have mentioned many times in this article, the relationship of husband and wife is basedprincipally on love, not on reason. Whence our manner to each other should be only to forgive, not tojudge. We should pardon each other as long as we love each other. Through forgiveness what isbroken is made whole again and what is soiled is again made clean.Another problem which very often occurs in married life is quarrels. Do not fear a quarrel. This canalso be a requisite for love. A quarrel can be considered an opportunity to get some rest as too muchsex is not good for your health. You can think, "Oh, God wants me to rest and have some time torelax and to reflect on myself. It will be good to have a few days separation. Afterwards we canbecome harmonized again."One should not selfishly say that my wife must obey me and I must control her, because it is not rightfor either wife or husband to control the other. Try to learn from the chickens. When the hen crows
  8. 8. after she lays her egg, the rooster keeps still. When the cock heralds the dawn, the hen sleeps. Theynever quarrel with each other.If there is no way to stop the opposite spouse from quarreling, one must bear it for the time being andwait with love and patience and keep silent yourself. He or she will feel tired when they find no oneto quarrel with. A sharp tongue is the only edged tool that grows keener with constant use against thesame kind of tool.Dont let a little thing start a long quarrel and from that let it lead to a divorce. Before a quarrelgrows, one must use forgiveness. A quarrel takes place between a couple and never takes place alone.If either side has forgiveness, the quarrel will be stopped in time. Otherwise, as Edgar Lee Masterssaid, "Hats may make a divorce" and as Shakespeare said, "Why quarrel with a man that has a hairless in his beard than you have." A little flame may cause a large calamity destroying one hundredmiles of forest.There can be fearful excitement on any side. Any one is able to accuse the other. Accusation maydivide their true hearts as a mighty stream of water can divide mountains of solid rock. So ourmeasurement of true love is not where he or she stands in moments of comfort and convenience, butwhere he or she stands at times of challenge and controversy. To keep such a standard of love,forgiveness is the most important source which enables discord to give way to the relish of concord.One must recognize that even the sun and moon which are as different as bright day and night, stillfloat each in their own orbit but make a great harmony of the universe. The sun never takes over themoon any more than the Red Communists of the East can take over the free world of the West. InConfucianism there is an example of a couple with the husband as the sun and the wife as the moonwho together make the Chinese "Ming" word of brightness with the sun on the left and the moon onthe right. Hence we need not fear different ideas occurring between couples but we must forgive eachother and achieve the harmony which dissipates all differences and opposites without quarrels andfights but with love and sympathy. We must pardon each other as long as we love each other. Whenwe love we find nothing missing and no sins in our spouse.If one side can forgive the other, it will cause forgiveness to come from the other side, too. It is justas Allah says, "He who approaches near to me one span, I will approach to him one cubit; and hewho approaches to me one cubit, I will approach to him one fathom, and he who ever approaches tome walking, I will come to him running, and he who meets with sins equivalent to the whole world, Iwill greet him with forgiveness equal to it."As we love, we must forgive to the same degree that we love. Whenever there is a cause for anger orquarrel, we should use forgiveness at the starting point of such a time. In doing this we will not haveto endure its passing and suffer in unnecessary pain. Whenever forgiveness is done, it ought to belike a canceled check, torn into several pieces and burnt up so that it can never be made whole againand held against the other side. After forgiveness is offered, immediately choose some pleasurewhich your spouse likes, and enjoy it together. Just as when one eats too much hot pepper, oneshould immediately drink some ice water or eat something sweet. One must recognize that youyourself are not so good and perfect so that your spouse may sometimes dislike you and have anger,then you can easily use forgiveness. And forgiveness offered in such a way is surely the means togive and gain new love and new life on both sides.
  9. 9. Following the act of forgiveness, sweet harmony may prevail in the family! The harmonious familyproduces divine life. Every home works through this harmony or agreement and is like a steamshippulled in one direction by both partners--if it were pulled in opposite directions it would keel over.There should be no separation, no divorce, only love and happiness. This is what I hope my readersmay share with me.Conclusion:Through the above three conditions of appreciation, sympathy, and forgiveness, ones marriage maynever be broken. In that hope, our sages arranged some special good names to celebrate each periodof marriage that we pass through. I would like to introduce all these good and lovely celebrationnames below as an auspicious conclusion of this article. May all my good readers celebrate all ofthem! Years of Name of Marriage Wedding Anniversary 25 Silver 30 Pearl 35 Coral 40 Ruby 45 Sapphire 50 Gold 55 Beryl 60 Diamond 70 Platinum (White Gold)After the platinum wedding anniversary, a couple may be about 100 years old. Is it possible to bereborn as the same couple in every lifetime? Yes! If their vows and their good karmas in this lifetimehave been well accumulated, this may happen. Nevertheless, such a mundane marriage willeventually come to an end, sooner or later. It may be asked, is there any extra-mundane marriagewhich consists of real and everlasting love? Yes! I am sorry to say that even the above three
  10. 10. principles of appreciation, sympathy, and forgiveness have nothing to do with everlasting love, evenas practiced by Mary and Joseph who were married with the God-Jehovah as their go-between.However, in Tantric Buddhism which emphasizes Vajra Love, there really is an eternal marriage asexemplified or personified by many Indian and Tibetan sages such as Padmasambhva, Saraha, andMarpa.Actually, Yoga is the holy name of extra-mundane marriage. Yoga means union. Buddhist yoga isthe Great Compassion of the male marrying with the Deep Wisdom of the female, or in other terms,the Great Bodhicitta marrying the Deep Sunyata. Whenever such a marriage occurs, there isceaseless love lasting forever.Appreciation is connected with the Yidam and Dakini, sympathy is between altruism and non-egoism, while forgiveness is witnessed by the Buddhas of the ten directions and three periods (past,present, and future). These are holy, sacred, everlasting, and a total salvation of the entire sphere ofthe Nine-Havenesses including all Gods.As the three principles of appreciation, sympathy and forgiveness under mundane circumstances arestill so difficult for most people to practice, how can I trust any modern youths to practice the extra-mundane ones? This is why in this article I have not written any Tantric methods of marriage love. Ido hope there might be some people who have the foundation to learn and practice Vajra Love fromour Gurus.
  11. 11. LOVEWhen your mind becomes motionlessand the brilliant eyes of the peaceful mindtake a straight look down into the depth of your heartyou will see the life-force pulsating and thrivingin the warmth of pure love.As you experience this pure lovewhat we all call "heart"beams of light will begin to radiate from the center of itfor heaven is there in eternity.If you can release this radiance of loveand allow it to flow through you,your heart will become light.The spirit will get liberated into the airand then, from a place of inner stillnessyou will know what it would be liketo be an eagle and soar in the evening skies.And most of all,you would understandwhat it would be liketo be perfectly sane. IF If you can keep your head, When all about you are losing theirs and blaming it on you, If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you, But make allowance for their doubting too; If you can wait and not be tired by waiting, Or being lied about, dont deal in lies, Or being hated, dont give way to hating, And yet dont look too good, norPEACE IS EVERY STEP talk too wise:
  12. 12. by Thich Nhat-HanPeace is every step.The shining red sun is my heart.Each flower smiles with me. If you can dream - and notHow green, how fresh all that grows. make dreams your master;How cool the wind blows. If you can think - and not makePeace is every step. thoughts your aim;It turns the endless path to joy. If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster And treat these two imposters just the same; If you can bear to hear the truth youve spoken Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools, Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken, And stoop and build em up with worn-out tools: If you can make one heap of all your winnings And risk it on one turn of pitch- and-toss, And lose, and start again at your beginnings And never breathe a word about your loss; If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew To serve your turn long after they are gone, And so hold on when there is nothing in you Except the Will which says to them: `Hold on! If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue, Or walk with Kings - nor lose the common touch, If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you, If all men count with you, but none too much;
  13. 13. If you can fill the unforgiving minute With sixty seconds worth of distance run, Yours is the Earth and everything thats in it, And - which is more - youll be a Man, my son! ^Top of PageAUTOBIOGRAPHY IN FIVE CHAPTERS1) I walk down the street.There is a deep hole in the sidewalkI fall in.I am lost...I am hopeless.It isnt my fault.It takes forever to find a way out.2) I walk down the same street.There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.I pretend I dont see it.I fall in again.I cant believe Im in the same place.But it isnt my fault.It still takes a long time to get out.3) I walk down the same street.There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.I see it is there.I still fall in...its a habitMy eyes are open; I know where I am;It is my fault.I get out immediately.4) I walk down the same street.There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.I walk around it.5) I walk down another street.
  14. 14. Inside this new love, die. Your way begins on the other side. Become the sky. Take an axe to the prison wall. Escape. Walk out like someone suddenly born into color. Do it now. Youre covered with thick clouds. Slide out the side. Die, and be quiet. Quietness is the surest sign that youve died. Your old life was a frantic running from silence. The speechless full moon comes out now. TODAY Vijaya Samarawickama, A Buddhist Reflects on Happy Living, 2004 This day is a special day, it is yours. Yesterday slipped away, it cannot be filled anymore with meaning. About tomorrow nothing is known. But this day, today, is yours, make use of it. Today you can make someone happy. Today you can help another.This day is a special day, it is yours.LOVEIf you develop love truly great,rid of the desire to hold andpossess.That strong, clean love untarnishedby lust,that love which does not expect to
  15. 15. be repayed,that love which is firm but not grasping,enduring but not tied down,gentle and settled,diamond-hard but unhurting,helpful but not interfering,cool and refreshing,giving more than taking,dignified but not proud,soft but not weak,that love which leads to Enlightenment,then you will be washed of all ill-will. DESENSITIZATION LETS NOT BLOW IT the child There are millions of years in the after realizing its mother past had led it astray There are millions of years ahead since the first of us lessons in thought: And here we are Right in the middle "why did you lie to me?" Then theres space There are miles and miles of space "because I did not know a lie in all directions could look and feel to the senses And here we are like an absolute truth" Right in the middle This is a big deal Being in the middle of time and space It sort of makes your eyes water Wed never find this moment again In a million years This is our world Lets not blow it ^Top of Page
  16. 16. WITHIN YOU WITHOUT YOUWe were talking - about the space between us allAnd the people - who hide themselves behind a wall of illusionNever glimpse the truth - then its far too late - when they pass away.We were talking - about the love we all could share - when we find itTo try our best to hold it there - with our loveWith our love - we could save the world - if they only knew.Try to realise its all within yourself no-one else can make you changeAnd to see youre really only very small,And life flows on within you and without you.We were talking - about the love thats gone so cold and the people,Who gain the world and lose their soul - they dont know - they cant see - are you one of them?When youve seen beyond yourself - then you may find, peace of mind is waiting there -And the time will come when you see were all one, and life flows on within you and without you.BETTERBetter than a thousandHollow wordsIs one word that brings peace.Better than a thousandHollow versesIs one verse that brings peace.Better than a hundredHollow linesIs one line of the law, Bringingpeace.It is better to conquer yourselfThan to win a thousand battles;Then the victory is yours. MIND You dont have to do anything with your mind, just let it naturally rest in its essential nature. Your own mind, unagitated, is reality. Meditate on this without distraction. Know the Truth beyond all opposites. Thoughts are like bubbles that form and dissolve in clear water.
  17. 17. Thoughts are not distinct from the absolute Reality, so relax, there is no need to be critical. Whatever arises, whatever occurs, simply dont cling to it, but immediately let it go. What you see, hear, and touch are your own mind. There is nothing but mind. Mind transcends birth and death. The essence of mind is pure Consciousness that never leaves reality, even though it experiences the things of the senses. In the equanimity of the Absolute, there is nothing to renounce or attain. ^Top of PageSPIRITUAL LIFE IS A LIFE OF SEARCHSpiritual life is a life of search...but a true search.Not to investigate and to seek what you hope to discover,Not the object of your aspiration,But what you are.Meditation is just a search for the meditator.Enlightenment is to discover...To discover that there is no discoverer, and there is nothing to discover...Enlightenment is to be.To be the most wonderful discovery of what can not be found.It is to arrive to no where...To meet no one.You fail, because of your habit to search only for that which satisfies your needs.Get rid of all this need.And you will see...Get rid of all that you have.And you will see...Throw away all that can be thrown.And you will see...Give up these words, and what theymake you feelAnd you will see...Give up your attempt to give up.And you will see...Give up your attempt to see.Because then you will really see...The farther the object you searchfor, the better eyesight you need.That which is closest to you, youhave to be.
  18. 18. TAKE HEART But also take comfort, healing, rest and love Leave sorrow amongst the rocks and woods who most of the time are far strongerPRECONCEPTIONS better able to handle such loadsJust as fog is dispelled by the strength of the Take couragesun But also,and is dispelled no other way, take honesty, courtesy, empathypreconception is cleared by the strength of and patiencerealization. Leave doubtTheres no other way of clearing .......... amidst the deep ocean waterspreconceptions. watch it sink thereExperience them as baseless dreams. until you cannot cling to it anyExperience them as ephemeral bubbles. longerExperience them as insubstantial rainbows. Take faithExperience them as indivisible space. but leave with an open mind, an open hand, open arms Take whatever you need to make it through leave what keeps you from going on Tears only go so far Fear only holds so long Though your feet may bleed and your hands, tremble Take deep compassion for the suffering of another and journey on ^Top of Page SPEAKING TRUTH It is possible to speak truth in anger.
  19. 19. When so done, people tend to hear the anger and not the truth. It is possible to speak truth in arrogance. When so done, people tend to hear the arrogance and not the truth. It is possible to speak truth in deceitful ways. When so done, people tend to sense the deceit and take the truth for more deceit. It is possible to speak truth in loving kindness. When so done, people tend to hear the love and the truth. Or so it seems in my experience. The Strength Of A ManThe strength of a man isnt seen in the width of hisshoulders.Its in the width of his arms that encircle you.The strength of a man isnt in the deep tone of his voice.Its in the gentle words he whispers.The strength of a man isnt how many buddies he has.Its how good of buddies he is with his children.The strength of a man isnt in how respected he is at work.Its in how respected he is at home.The strength of a man isnt in how hard he hits.Its in how tender he touches.The strength in a man isnt in the hair on his chest.Its in his Heart...that lies within his chest.The strength of a man isnt how many women hes loved.Its in can he be true to one woman.The strength of a man isnt in the weight he can lift.Its in the burdens he can carry.© July 15, 1999 Jacqueline Marie Griffiths (written for Hunt D. Rochon) ^Top of Page
  20. 20. PoemHappiness is not to be found with many efforts or will, but is here, nearby, in your relaxing and surrendering. Dont worry, there is nothing to be done. Everything that comes up to your mind has no importance because it has no reality. Dont conceive any attachment for it. Dont judge yourself. Let it be. Let it come up and down without changing a thing. It all vanishes and begins again, endlessly. Nothing but the quest for happiness prevents us from seeing it. It is like a rainbow that one is always chasing without ever reaching it. It is because it has no existence. It has always been here and goes with you all the time. Dont believe in the reality of experiences, good or bad. They are like rainbows. Because we want to grasp what is not to be grasped, We exhaust our strength in vain. As soon as we relinquish our hold, space is here, open, welcoming & comfortable. So, do enjoy it. Everything is yours already. Stop searching. Dont go into the jungle to look for the elephant that is quietly waiting for you at home. There is nothing to do. There is nothing to force. There is nothing to desire. And all comes by itself. SONG OF THE DIAMOND HEART The pine trees voice is always whispering Yet how many pause to listen? For when the churning mind is still, The Diamond Heart within Reflects even the falling dusk that Shrouds every eye and branch And hears, but listens not. Walking then, with Courage and Kindness, Never ceasing to walk in Wonder, We follow our ancient path. For the Way of the sword is folded two; Like the rose we have thorns, And like the rose, we unfold
  21. 21. LIFEI will cast outAll the vagueness andindecision within meBecause my wish is toconstructThe castle of my wholelifeOn the fulfillment ofeach promise that Imake.I want to live my lifeAs a surpassinglybroadminded manKnown for being happyand honest A New HouseA person in whompeople can have If I search your face only looking for my reflectionabsolute trust. How can I see you as you really areIve put behind me If I fill the hours with empty chatterThe age of dreaming How can I hear you when you finally decide to talkabout a rosy future It is love, indeedAnd with roots This that brings me to youextended into lifes And this is why a new house needs to be builtreality With doors big enough for understanding and compassion to fit throughI realise that the powerto create happinessDerives from what weactually do today.
  22. 22. Stop killing! For countless years the bitter stew of hate goes boiling on. Its vengeful broth is ocean deep, impossible to calm. To learn the cause of all this conflict, Terror, bombs and war, Listen to the cries at midnight by the butchers door.Do not stand at my grave and weep Do not stand at my grave and weep, I am not there, I do not sleep. I am in a thousand winds that blow, I am the softly falling snow. I am the gentle showers of rain, I am the fields of ripening grain. I am in the morning hush, I am in the graceful rush Of beautiful birds in circling flight, I am the starshine of the night. I am in the flowers that bloom, I am in a quiet room. I am in the birds that sing, I am in each lovely thing. Do not stand at my grave and cry, I am not there. I do not die. By padma drukpa . thanks you all.

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