2. Bio
Pam Dunn
Pam is the leader of a successful nationwide
coaching and training organization focusing
on personal and interpersonal growth.
Joshua King
Joshua is an agile coach working on
transforming organizations to adopt more
agile practices and approaches
3. Setting up the Coaching Relationship
Tone & Powerful Inquiry
9. Leadership Trust
I can be trusted because:
I will listen to you.
I will not use anything you say against you.
I will respect you and your opinions.
I will not talk about you behind your back.
If I have an issue with you, I will talk about it with you.
If anyone comes to me talking about you, I will send them directly to you.
10. Team Agreements Concept:
Why should you trust me?
What is my role here?
How will we deal with conflict?
How can I challenge you so that you’ll receive it? In what context?
How do I know when I’ve pushed too hard?
How can I support you?
11. Tone
The verbal and physical expression of feelings that already exist within
12.
13. How can you turn this around?
Realize the feeling is powerless.
What would help you feel more in control or powerful?
Discover 3 different ways to get what you want.
What is it that you can do to change this situation or how you feel about the
situation?
14.
15. How can you turn this around?
Re-commit to what you want and take one more step towards that goal with an
action.
What is it that you believe you are quitting on? Do you want to quit on that?
What is one thing you can do to move forward?
16.
17. How can you turn this around?
Make a decision and then make it the best decision through your actions.
Does it really matter what you choose? Why?
What is one step you can take toward what you want to accomplish?
What is the best case scenario? Think about that!
18.
19. How can you turn this around?
Do for yourself what you are dissatisfied about.
What is it that you actually expected?
What is it that you really want?
20.
21. How can you turn this around?
Do something valuable or helpful for the person you have decided to be disgusted
with.
What can you do to improve this situation?
What can you focus on to inspire responsible action?
22.
23. How can you turn this around?
Relax. Remind yourself that what you do is not who you are.
Contribute by acting purposefully rather than urgently.
What do you think is the most important thing you should do right now?
What do you need?
24.
25. How can you turn this around?
If you feel guilty, you are guilty.
Do a make-up for the person you have been inconsiderate of.
Is there anything you would have done differently in this situation?
Is it time to stop beating yourself up?
26.
27. How can you turn this around?
Realize we are overwhelming ourselves to avoid setting priorities and take
responsibility.
How did it get to this point?
Trust is the single most important component to an effective coaching relationship. This trust must come from the coach - be trustworthy and you will be trusted. You can be trusted when: you listen - listen for what no one else can see, the details that may not be said. You respect them and their opinion - this means suspending judgment, separating the deed from the doer. You do not talk about them behind their back - this means you do not gossip about them with your peers or their peers. You do not use anything they say against them - this can be as simple as not laughing at them and making fun of anything they say.
Dealing with Conflict - this is not to be avoided, but to lean into. How do you deal with conflict in your personal life? This will give you a clue on what needs to be improved within you. Conflict is inevitable and non-judgment is the key to detached compassion and direct communication.
Challenging them - forward movement is challenging, so look at how you have embraced challenge, resisted challenge and fought challenge. Knowing that you have done all these will have you hang in there with others when they are being challenged. Having this type of conversation before the challenges, gives each of you permission to push and them to pull.
Being supported - a key component needed in order to move through a challenge and succeed. Know how you like to be supported and ask this question of yourself and them constantly and consistently. This is the type of support that says: You got this and I got your back as you go for it.
Listening to tone in yourself and others provides the opportunity to dive into something they may not currently see or know.
The best way to learn how to understand and identify tone is to look at your own usage of tone
Think of a time you were angry or disappointed. Think about that situation and now, include the body language you use! Share with the person next to you how you use the tone. Now share how you react when someone else uses an angry or disappointed tone. Knowing what you or someone is thinking is what will help you ignite compassion. Angry Disappointed Tense jaw and mouth Frown Staring with squinted eyes Hand clasped behind back Fake smile
“I can’t get them to do what I want.” “I am a bad manager/leader/parent etc.”
Realize we use anger to disguise the feeling of powerlessness so you can feel powerful at the exact time you are claiming that others have power. Realize the feeling is powerless.
What would help you feel more in control or powerful? Discover 3 different ways to get what you want. What is it that you can do to change this situation or how you feel about the situation?
Now think of a time were frustrated. Think about that situation and now, include the body language you use! Share with the person on the other side of you how you use the tone. Now share how you react when someone else uses a frustrated tone. Frustrated Hands on hips Rolled eyes Heavy sigh
“Things outside my control block me.” “It is not working” “I’ve tried everything!” Realize we use frustration to justify quitting prior to giving full effort.
Re-commit to what you want and take one more step towards that goal with an action. What is it that you believe you are quitting on? Do you want to quit on that? What is one thing you can do to move forward?
Let’s talk about someone that is indecisive or risk adverse. How many of you have a challenging time with this person when they are behaving this way? What tone do you have in your head when this occurs? It is THAT tone that renders you ineffective! You must work on that tone within yourself before you can be effective in redirecting someone else. Indecisive Risk Adverse Clearing throat Fidgeting Blank stare (deer in headlights)
“If I commit, they will hold me accountable“ I didn’t have enough information to wisely decide.” “What if…?” Realize we use indecisiveness because we are afraid to make mistakes, and want to justify avoiding accountability.
Make a decision and then make it the best decision through your actions. Does it really matter what you choose? Why? What is one step you can take toward what you want to accomplish? What is the best case scenario? Think about that!
Have you ever felt dissatisfied or unfulfilled? Most of us have. What do you do when someone else is dissatisfied or unfulfilled? This is a tone full of blame and providing the answer is rarely effective. Dissatisfied Unfulfilled Hands behind head (indicates the listener will soon argue with you) Frown or unhappy face
“Because of them (their inability…) I am not getting what I need or expected.” Realize that we use dissatisfaction to justify leaning on others to improve the situation.
Do for yourself what you are dissatisfied about. What is it that you actually expected? What is it that you really want?
We know everyone here has complained before! What you may not be aware of and what will also provide the inspiration to do it different is the tone associated with complaining is - disgusted! You will be a more effective and better coach when you learn to catch yourself and switch it. You will also then be able to redirect your clients without judgment. Disgusted Complaining Pierced mouth and/or scrunched forehead
“If only others were more capable I would not be experiencing this difficulty.” Realize we use disgust to feel superior without having to take action.
Do something valuable or helpful for the person you have decided to be disgusted with. What can you do to improve this situation? What can you focus on to inspire responsible action?
What about rushed? Hurry up and share with someone in front or behind you about the last time you were rushed, the circumstances and the result. I’ll give you a little over a minute, so make sure you both get a turn. Once they are done, ask: How many of you were apologetic? Did anyone feel accomplished by being rushed? Rushed Fidgeting Possibly nervous Shaking leg
“I am too busy to do all this. I should be doing something else but….” “Sorry, …” Realize we use ‘rushed’ to make us feel important often in moments when we are unsure of ourselves. Relax. Remind yourself that what you do is not who you are.
Contribute by acting purposefully rather than urgently. What do you think is the most important thing you should do right now? What do you need?
Let’s talk about feeling bad or guilty. All of us have been taught so many different things about how to deal with mistakes we make or that others make. Some of us may have even been taught that feeling bad is a way to take responsibility. The danger in this is that you can never feel good about yourself fully if you must feel bad about every mistake you make! It’s worth spending time and energy to shift this way of being. Guilt Gaze down Tilting head forward Eyes face floor or ground Looking all around
“I’ve done something I wish I would not have done” “It’s all my fault.” Realize we use guilt to feel we have made amends without having to do anything to make up for what we feel guilty of.
If you feel guilty, you are guilty. Do a make-up for the person you have been inconsiderate of. Is there anything you would have done differently in this situation? Is it time to stop beating yourself up?
Finally, being stressed is a killer of creativity. That means that you can not think or act creatively while you are stressed. It is actually impossible to eliminate stress - it is possible to redirect and alleviate stress. Stressed Fidgeting Difficulty being attentive
“I have so much to do I don’t know where to start, and I am not even sure if I am capable of doing everything Realize we are overwhelming ourselves to avoid setting priorities and take responsibility.
