Courtship, Dating and Marriage

1. Bill Wynne

2. Table of Contents
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Page
I. What is marriage? ...........................................................................................................................3
A. Why did God create it? ...................................................................................................................3
B. Why is Satan so fixed on destroying it?..........................................................................................4
II. Should we marry at this time in earth’s history?....................................................................................4
A. Marriage is a blessing .....................................................................................................................5
B. Marriage is a curse..........................................................................................................................5
C. There is far too much lack of reserve..............................................................................................6
III. Am I ready to think about marriage?.....................................................................................................6
A. Am I called to the ministry of having a family? (A talent).............................................................6
B. Do I meet the qualifications physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually? ...........................7
1. Conversion......................................................................................................................7
2. Faithfulness in the family home .....................................................................................7
3. Do I possess true love? ...................................................................................................7
4. Education........................................................................................................................8
5. Financial ability..............................................................................................................8
6. Practical abilities ............................................................................................................8
7. Health ...........................................................................................................................8
8. Am I old enough? ...........................................................................................................9
IV. The way to marriage ...........................................................................................................................9
A. The need for counsel.......................................................................................................................9
B. How to find the right person? .......................................................................................................10
1. Prayer and observation .................................................................................................10
2. Investigation .................................................................................................................10
3. Contacting the parents ..................................................................................................10
4. Ask yourself these questions ........................................................................................10
C. What is courtship? ........................................................................................................................10
D. How to proceed with courtship? ...................................................................................................11
1. Getting the message to the girl and getting an answer..................................................11
E. Conduct in courtship .....................................................................................................................12
1. Avoiding the appearance of evil ...................................................................................12
a) how much time together ..............................................................................13
b) where to go together ....................................................................................13
2. Evangelistic ..................................................................................................................13
F. How to approach engagement? .....................................................................................................13
G. What about the wedding? .............................................................................................................14
1. Evangelistic ..................................................................................................................14
2. Economy.......................................................................................................................14
H. How about the honeymoon? .........................................................................................................14
1. Economy.......................................................................................................................14
V. The choice of a home .........................................................................................................................14
VI. The home life after the honeymoon.......................................................................................................14
A. Five languages of love ..................................................................................................................14
B. Communication .........................................................................................................................14
Habits that tend to block communication .........................................................................15
Barriers to effective listening............................................................................................16
C. Conflict resolution ........................................................................................................................17
D. Relationship of authority between husband and wife ...................................................................19
E. Preserving the Sacred Circle .........................................................................................................21
F. Should divorce ever be considered? ..............................................................................................22
G. The marriage bed .........................................................................................................................25

3. “I have often read these words: Marriage is a lottery. Some act as if they believed the statement, and their married
life testifies that it is such to them. But true marriage is not a lottery. Marriage was instituted in Eden. After the
creation of Adam, the Lord said, It is not good that the man should be alone: I will make him an help meet [suitable]
for him. When the Lord presented Eve to Adam, angels of God were witnesses to the ceremony. But there are few
couples who are completely united when the marriage ceremony is performed. The form of words spoken over the
two who take the marriage vow, does not make them a unit. In their future life is to be the blending of the two in
wedlock. It may be made a real happy union, if each will give to the other true, heart affection.” Manuscript Release
10, p.184
Thought questions
What is marriage?
Why did God create it?
Should I be a part of it?
How do I know I should be a part of it?
How do I become a part of it?
Now that I am here what do I do?
It is not what I thought it would be, did I do something wrong?
Where did the love go?
I. Why did God create marriage, what was His plan?
Before sin
1. To repopulate heaven
Amazing Grace, 344 “God created man for His own glory, that after test and trial the human family might become
one with the heavenly family. It was God's purpose to repopulate heaven with the human family, if they would show
themselves obedient to His every word.”
2. To give man a helpmeet
Genesis 2:20-24 And Adam gave names to all cattle, and to the fowl of the air, and to every beast of the field; but
for Adam there was not found an help meet for him. And the LORD God caused a deep sleep to fall upon Adam,
and he slept: and he took one of his ribs, and closed up the flesh instead thereof; And the rib, which the LORD God
had taken from man, made he a woman, and brought her unto the man. And Adam said, This [is] now bone of my
bones, and flesh of my flesh: she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man. Therefore shall a man
leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.
Patriarchs and Prophets, 46 “Man was not made to dwell in solitude; he was to be a social being. Without
companionship the beautiful scenes and delightful employments of Eden would have failed to yield perfect happiness.
Even communion with angels could not have satisfied his desire for sympathy and companionship. There was none
of the same nature to love and to be loved. God Himself gave Adam a companion. He provided an help meet for
him--a helper corresponding to him--one who was fitted to be his companion, and who could be one with him in
love and sympathy.”
Adventist Home, 99 “God made from the man a woman, to be a companion and helpmeet for him, to be one with
him, to cheer, encourage, and bless him, he in his turn to be her strong helper. All who enter into matrimonial
relations with a holy purpose--the husband to obtain the pure affections of a woman's heart, the wife to soften and
improve her husband's character and give it completeness --fulfill God's purpose for them.”
After sin
1. To teach man about the Atonement
Testimonies 6, 462 “Be strong, and talk hope. Press your way through obstacles. You are in spiritual wedlock with
Jesus Christ. The word is your assurance. Approach your Savior with the full confidence of living faith, joining your
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4. hands with His. Go where He leads the way. Whatsoever He says to you, do. He will teach you just as willingly as
He will teach someone else.”
Adventist Home, 26 “Christ honored the marriage relation by making it also a symbol of the union between Him and
His redeemed ones. He Himself is the Bridegroom; the bride is the church, of which, as His chosen one, He says,
Thou art all fair, My love; there is no spot in thee.”
The Faith I Live By, 259 “Marriage, a union for life, is a symbol of the union between Christ and His church. The
spirit that Christ manifests toward His church is the spirit that the husband and wife are to manifest toward each other.
If they love God supremely, they will love each other in the Lord. . . . In their mutual self-denial and self-sacrifice
they will be a blessing to each other...”
2. The society is built from well ordered families
Adventist Home, 353 “The minister's duties lie around him, nigh and afar off; but his first duty is to his children. He
should not become so engrossed with his outside duties as to neglect the instruction which his children need. He may
look upon his home duties as of lesser importance, but in reality they lie at the very foundation of the well-being of
individuals and of society. To a large degree the happiness of men and women and the success of the church depend
upon home influence...”
3. Powerful evangelistic tool
Adventist Home, 32 “One well-ordered, well-disciplined family tells more in behalf of Christianity than all the
sermons that can be preached.”
Children pray for a guest in the home at the end of the Sabbath
Satan has a burning passion to destroy the home
It then makes sense why Satan is out to destroy this sacred institution. If he can cause misery here he has successfully
undermined the very foundation of the health and happiness of society.
Adventist Home, 326 “It was Satan's studied effort [in the antediluvian age] to pervert the marriage institution, to
weaken its obligations and lessen its sacredness; for in no surer way could he deface the image of God in man and
open the door to misery and vice.”
Letters to Young Lovers, 29 “He [Satan] is busily engaged in influencing those who are wholly unsuited to each
other to unite their interests. He exults in this work, for by it he can produce more misery and hopeless woe to the
human family than by exercising his skill in any other direction.”
II. Should we marry at this time in earth’s history?
Yes and No
Mind, Character, and Personality, 219 “In regard to marriage, I would say, Read the Word of God. Even in this time,
the last days of this world's history, marriages take place among Seventh-day Adventists....We have, as a people,
never forbidden marriage, except in cases where there were obvious reasons that marriage would be misery to both
parties. And even then, we have only advised and counseled.”
Adventist Home, 121 “There is in itself no sin in eating and drinking, or in marrying and giving in marriage. It was
lawful to marry in the time of Noah, and it is lawful to marry now, if that which is lawful is properly treated and not
carried to sinful excess. But in the days of Noah men married without consulting God or seeking His guidance and
counsel... The fact that all the relations of life are of a transitory nature should have a modifying influence on all we
do and say. In Noah's day it was the inordinate, excessive love of that which in itself was lawful, when properly used,
that made marriage sinful before God. There are many who are losing their souls in this age of the world by
becoming absorbed in the thoughts of marriage and in the marriage relation itself.”
Testimonies 5, 366 “In this age of the world, as the scenes of earth's history are soon to close and we are about to
enter upon the time of trouble such as never was, the fewer the marriages contracted, the better for all, both men and
women.”
Testimonies on Sexual Behavior, 251 “As in the days of Noah, one of the signs of these times is a passion for
injudicious and hasty marriages. Satan is in this. If Paul could remain single, and recommend the same to others, that
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5. he and they might be wholly the Lord's, why not those who would be wholly His, and wish to make a sure thing of
avoiding the cares, trials, and bitter anguish so frequent in the experiences of those who choose the married life,
remain as he was? And more, if he chose to remain so, and could recommend it to others, eighteen centuries since,
would not to remain as he was be a commendable course for those who are waiting for the coming of the Son of man,
unless evidences were unquestionable that they were bettering their condition, and making heaven more sure by so
doing? When so much is at stake, why not be on the sure side every time?”
Marriage can be a blessing
Adventist Home, 18 “The family tie is the closest, the most tender and sacred, of any on earth. It was designed to be
a blessing to mankind. And it is a blessing wherever the marriage covenant is entered into intelligently, in the fear of
God, and with due consideration for its responsibilities.”
Adventist Home, 25, 26 “God celebrated the first marriage. Thus the institution has for its originator the Creator of
the universe. Marriage is honorable; it was one of the first gifts of God to man, and it is one of the two institutions
that, after the fall, Adam brought with him beyond the gates of Paradise. When the divine principles are recognized
and obeyed in this relation, marriage is a blessing; it guards the purity and happiness of the race, it provides for man's
social needs, it elevates the physical, the intellectual, and the moral nature.”
Adventist Home, 270 “Your marriage to one who is a father of children will prove to be a blessing to you. . . . You
were in danger of becoming self-centered. You had precious traits of character that needed to be awakened and
exercised. . . . Through your new relations you will gain an experience that will teach you how to deal with minds.
By the care of children affection, love, and tenderness are developed. The responsibilities resting upon you in your
family may be a means of great blessing to you. These children will be to you a precious lesson book. They will
bring you many blessings if you read them aright.”
Adventist Home, 340 “When the Pharisees afterward questioned Him concerning the lawfulness of divorce, Jesus
pointed His hearers back to the marriage institution as ordained at creation. Because of the hardness of your hearts,
He said, Moses suffered you to put away your wives: but from the beginning it was not so. He referred them to the
blessed days of Eden when God pronounced all things very good. Then marriage and the Sabbath had their origin,
twin institutions for the glory of God in the benefit of humanity. Then, as the Creator joined the hands of the holy
pair in wedlock, saying, A man shall leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall
be one, He enunciated the law of marriage for all the children of Adam to the close of time. That which the eternal
Father Himself had pronounced good was the law of highest blessing and development for man.”
Daughters of God, 180, “Marriage has received Christ's blessing, and it is to be regarded as a sacred institution. True
religion is not to counter work the Lord's plans. God ordained that man and woman should be united in holy wedlock,
to raise up families that, crowned with honor, would be symbols of the family in heaven. And at the beginning of His
public ministry Christ gave His decided sanction to the institution that had been sanctioned in Eden. Thus He
declared to all that He will not refuse His presence on marriage occasions, and that marriage, when joined with purity
and holiness, truth and righteousness, is one of the greatest blessings ever given to the human family.”
However it is often a curse
Messages to Young People, 461 “The marriage institution was designed of Heaven to be a blessing to man; but, in a
general sense, it has been abused in such a manner as to make it a dreadful curse. Most men and women have acted
in entering the marriage relation as though the only question for them to settle was whether they loved each other.
But they should realize that a responsibility rests upon them in the marriage relation farther than this. They should
consider whether their offspring will possess physical health, and mental and moral strength. But few have moved
with high motives, and with elevated considerations which they could not lightly throw off-- that society had claims
upon them, that the weight of their family's influence would tell in the upward or downward scale.”
General Conference Daily Bulletin, Feb. 6, 1893 “Many of the marriages contracted in these last days prove to be a
mistake. The parties make no advancement in spiritual things; their growth and usefulness ended with their marriage.
There are men and women throughout the country who would have been accepted as laborers together with God if
Satan had not laid his snares to entangle their minds and hearts in courtship and marriage. Did the Lord urge them to
obtain the advantages of our schools and missions, that they might sink everything in courtship and marriage, binding
themselves by a human band for a lifetime? By accepting the work of rearing children in these last days of
uncertainty and peril, many place themselves in a position where they cannot labor either in the canvassing field or in
any other branch of the cause of God, and some lose all interest to do this. They are content with a common, low
level, and assimilate to the position they have chosen. The bewitching power of Satan's deceptions wrought within
the human heart its evil work. Instead of candidly considering the time in which we live, and the work they might do
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6. in leading others to the truth, they reason from a selfish standpoint, and follow the impulse of their own
unconsecrated hearts. The flesh lusteth against the spirit, and the spirit against the flesh. The natural appetites and
passions become a controlling power, and the result is that spiritual growth ceases; the soul is, as it were, paralyzed.”
Lack of reserve between men and women result in great disasters
Selections from the Testimonies for Students and Workers of our Sanitariums To the managers of the Health Retreat
Healdsburg, Cal., April, 1888 “There is a positive necessity for reform in all our institutions. All frivolity, all undue
attention of men and women, must be condemned and discontinued. Some, even married men, who have indulged in
this trifling familiarity, have endeavored to excuse themselves, and escape censure by claiming that they have done
no moral wrong. Was it no moral wrong to jest, joke, and pay flattering attentions to young women? Are you not
starting in their minds a train of thought which it is impossible for you to change? Do you not by your levity and
coquetry, sanction such conduct? You who hold positions of trust, and claim to be Christians, do you not give
countenance to a familiarity which leads to sin? What record is made in the books of heaven by the divine Watcher?
Was there no moral wrong done to the souls of those with whom you were so familiar? Indeed there was.
Impressions were made that will be enduring. These girls are confirmed in coquetry and flirting. Every such
indulgence tends to make them coarse and bold. They become more and more infatuated with the society of men and
women who are trifling and frivolous, whose conversation is anything but holy, pure, and ennobling.”
Signs of the Times 10-15-85, “Holiness of heart will never lead to impure actions. When one who claims to be
teaching the truth is inclined to be much in the company of young women or even of married women; when he
familiarly lays his hand upon their shoulders, or is often found conversing with them in a familiar manner, be afraid
of him. The pure principles of truth are not in wrought in the soul. Such are not workers with Jesus; they are not in
Christ, and Christ is not abiding in them. They need a thorough conversion before God can accept their labors. The
truth of heavenly origin never degrades the receiver, never leads him to the least approach to undue familiarity.”
Signs of the Times 10-15-85, “I am pained when I see men praised, flattered, and petted. God has revealed the fact
that some who receive these attentions are unworthy to take his name into their lips. Yet they are exalted to Heaven
in the estimation of finite man, who reads only from outward appearance. My sisters, never fawn over, pet, and
flatter poor, failing, erring men, either young or old, married or unmarried. You know not their weaknesses, and you
know not but these very attentions and this profuse praise may prove their ruin. I am alarmed at the short-sightedness,
the want of wisdom, that many manifest in respect to this familiarity. Men who are doing God's work and who have
Christ abiding in their hearts, will not lower the standard of morality, but will ever seek to elevate it. They will not
find pleasure in the flattery of women, or in being petted by them. Let young men and married men say, Hands off! I
will not give the least occasion to have my good evil spoken of. My good name is capital, of far more value to me
than gold or silver. Let me preserve it untarnished. If men assail that name, it shall not be because I have given them
any occasion to do so, but for the same reason that they spoke falsely of Christ,--because they hated the purity and
holiness of his character, for it was a constant rebuke to them.”
*For more references to study use the Ellen White CD Rom and type in the word ‘familiarity’
III. Am I ready to think about marriage?
This is one question that we must take honestly, laying aside all desires, and submitting our wills entirely to Jesus.
Am I called to the ministry of having a family?
In my experience a family is not simply something you do because everyone does it. Quoting Ellen White, “Few
believe there is a heaven to win and a hell to shun.” I realize that few make decisions in regard to the eternal
consequences at hand. Having a family should be one more way to win souls to the kingdom and not everyone is
called to such a ministry as we see Jesus and Paul both make clear.
Matthew 19:12 “For there are some eunuchs, which were so born from [their] mother's womb: and there are some
eunuchs, which were made eunuchs of men: and there be eunuchs, which have made themselves eunuchs for the
kingdom of heaven's sake. He that is able to receive [it], let him receive [it].”
I Corinthians 7:7,8 “For I would that all men were even as I myself. But every man hath his proper gift of God, one
after this manner, and another after that. I say therefore to the unmarried and widows, It is good for them if they
abide even as I.”
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7. We truly need to seek the will of God and if we feel He is calling us to that ministry. Let us then consider if we are
ready to enter into marriage or we still need to fulfill some conditions before it.
Do I meet the qualifications physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually for marriage?
1. Conversion
II Corinthians 6:14 “Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers: for what fellowship hath righteousness
with unrighteousness? and what communion hath light with darkness?”
Amos 3:3 “Can two walk together except they be agreed?”
Matthew 6:33 “But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto
you.”
Messages to Young People, 440 “The heart yearns for human love, but this love is not strong enough, or pure enough,
or precious enough, to supply the place of the love of Jesus. Only in her Savior can the wife find wisdom, strength,
and grace to meet the cares, responsibilities, and sorrows of life. She should make Him her strength and her guide.
Let woman give herself to Christ before giving herself to any earthly friend, and enter into no relation which shall
conflict with this.”
The Upward Look, 141 “Our only hope of reaching heaven is to be one with Christ, and then in and through Christ
we shall be one with one another.”
2. Faithfulness in the family home
Messages to Young People, 466 “True love is a high and holy principle, altogether different in character from that
love which is awakened by impulse, and which suddenly dies when severely tested. It is by faithfulness in the
parental home that the youth are to prepare themselves for homes of their own. Let them here practice self-denial,
and manifest kindness, courtesy, and Christian sympathy. Thus love will be kept warm in the heart, and he who goes
out from such a household to stand at the head of a family of his own will know how to promote the happiness of her
whom he has chosen as a companion for life. Marriage, instead of being the end of love, will be only its beginning.”
Messages to Young People, 450 “True love is a plant that needs culture. Let the woman who desires a peaceful,
happy union, who would escape future misery and sorrow, inquire before she yields her affections, Has my lover a
mother? What is the stamp of her character? Does he recognize his obligations to her? Is he mindful of her wishes
and happiness? If he does not respect and honor his mother, will he manifest respect and love, kindness and attention,
toward his wife? When the novelty of marriage is over, will he love me still? Will he be patient with my mistakes, or
will he be critical, overbearing, and dictatorial? True affection will overlook many mistakes; love will not discern
them.”
3. Do I possess true love?
Messages to Young People, 435 “Love is a precious gift, which we receive from Jesus. Pure and holy affection is
not a feeling, but a principle. Those who are actuated by true love are neither unreasonable nor blind.”
Spiritual Gifts 3, 120 “There are many unhappy marriages because of so much haste. Two unite their interest at the
marriage altar, by most solemn vows before God, without previously weighing the matter, and devoting time to sober
reflection and earnest prayer. Many move from impulse. They have no thorough acquaintance with the dispositions
of each other. They do not realize that the happiness of their whole life is at stake. If they move wrong in this matter,
and their marriage life proves unhappy, it cannot be taken back. If they find they are not calculated to make each
other happy, they must endure it the best they can.”
Adventist Home, 50, 51 “True love is a high and holy principle, altogether different in character from that love which
is awakened by impulse, and which suddenly dies when severely tested. Love is a plant of heavenly growth, and it
must be fostered and nourished. Affectionate hearts, truthful, loving words, will make happy families and exert an
elevating influence upon all who come within the sphere of their influence. Love is not unreasonable; it is not blind.
It is pure and holy. But the passion of the natural heart is another thing altogether. While pure love will take God
into all its plans, and will be in perfect harmony with the Spirit of God, passion will be headstrong, rash,
unreasonable, defiant of all restraint, and will make the object of its choice an idol. In all the deportment of one who
possesses true love, the grace of God will be shown. Modesty, simplicity, sincerity, morality and religion will
characterize every step toward an alliance in marriage. Those who are thus controlled will not be absorbed in each
other's society, at the loss of interest in the prayer meeting and the religious service. Their fervor for the truth will
not die on account of the neglect of the opportunities and privileges that God has graciously given to them. True love
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8. is not a strong, fiery, impetuous passion. On the contrary, it is calm and deep in its nature. It looks beyond mere
externals, and is attracted by qualities alone. It is wise and discriminating, and its devotion is real and abiding.”
4. Completed my education?
Testimonies 5, 109 “Parents do not send their children to our college or to our offices to commence a lovesick,
sentimental life, but to be educated in the sciences or to learn the printer's trade. Were the rules so lax that the youth
were allowed to become bewildered and infatuated with the society of the opposite sex as you have been for some
months past, the object of their going to Battle Creek would be lost.”
Fundamentals of Education, 62 “The rules of this college strictly guard the association of young men and young
women during the school term. It is only when these rules are temporarily suspended, as is sometimes the case, that
gentlemen are permitted to accompany ladies to and from public gatherings. Our own College at Battle Creek has
similar regulations, though not so stringent. Such rules are indispensable to guard the youth from the danger of
premature courtship and unwise marriage. Young people are sent to school by their parents to obtain an education,
not to flirt with the opposite sex.”
Counsels to Teachers, 100 “While at school, students should not allow their minds to become confused by thoughts
of courtship. They are there to gain a fitness to work for God, and this thought is ever to be uppermost.”
5. Financial ability
Adventist Home, 93 “No man is excusable for being without financial ability. Of many a man it may be said, He is
kind, amiable, generous, a good man, a Christian; but he is not qualified to manage his own business. As far as the
outlay of means is concerned, he is a mere child. He has not been brought up by his parents to understand and to
practice the principles of self-support.”
6. Practical abilities
Adventist Home, 90 “You have peculiarities of character which need to be sternly disciplined and resolutely
controlled before you can with any safety enter the marriage relation. Therefore marriage should be put from your
mind until you overcome the defects in your character, for you would not make a happy wife. You have neglected to
educate yourself for systematic household labor. You have not seen the necessity of acquiring habits of industry.
The habit of enjoying useful labor, once formed, will never be lost. You are then prepared to be placed in any
circumstance in life, and you will be fitted for the position...”
Messages to Young People, 437 “If you, my brother, are allured to unite your life-interest with a young,
inexperienced girl, who is really deficient in education in the common, practical, daily duties of life, you make a
mistake; but this deficiency is small compared with her ignorance in regard to her duty to God...”
Adventist Home, 87-89 “Upon no account should the marriage relation be entered upon until the parties have a
knowledge of the duties of a practical domestic life...Many ladies, accounted well-educated, having graduated with
honors at some institution of learning, are shamefully ignorant of the practical duties of life...It is the right of every
daughter of Eve to have a thorough knowledge of household duties, to receive training in every department of
domestic labor. Every young lady should be so educated that if called to fill the position of wife and mother, she
may preside as a queen in her own domain. . . . It is her right to understand the mechanism of the human body and
the principles of hygiene, the matters of diet and dress, labor and recreation, and countless others that intimately
concern the well -being of her household. It is her right to obtain such a knowledge of the best methods of treating
disease that she can care for her children in sickness, instead of leaving her precious treasures in the hands of stranger
nurses and physicians.”
Education, 276 “...Before taking upon themselves the possibilities of fatherhood and motherhood, men and women
should become acquainted with the laws of physical development--with physiology and hygiene, with the bearing of
prenatal influences, with the laws of heredity, sanitation, dress, exercise, and the treatment of disease; they should
also understand the laws of mental development and moral training.”
7. Do I have good health?
Adventist Home, 81 “The parties may not have worldly wealth, but they should have the far greater blessing of
health. And in most cases there should not be a great disparity in age.”
Messages to Young People, 461 “Most men and women have acted in entering the marriage relation as though the
only question for them to settle was whether they loved each other. But they should realize that a responsibility rests
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9. upon them in the marriage relation farther than this. They should consider whether their offspring will possess
physical health, and mental and moral strength.”
8. Am I of age?
Messages to Young People, “Boys and girls enter upon the marriage relation with unripe love, immature judgment,
without noble, elevated feelings, and take upon themselves the marriage vows, wholly led by their boyish, girlish
passions....The young affections should be restrained until the period arrives when sufficient age and experience will
make it honorable and safe to unfetter them. Those who will not be restrained will be in danger of dragging out an
unhappy existence. A youth not out of his teens is a poor judge of the fitness of a person as young as himself to be
his companion for life.”
Messages to Young People, 438 “Be not in haste. Early marriages should not be encouraged. . . . Early marriages
are not to be encouraged. A relation so important as marriage and so far-reaching in its results should not be entered
upon hastily, without sufficient preparation, and before the mental and physical powers are well developed.”
Messages to Young People, 442 “The good of society, as well as the highest interest of the students, demands that
they shall not attempt to select a life partner while their own character is yet undeveloped, their judgment
immature.”
IV. The way to marriage
After the above questions are honestly answered to yourself before God then you are free to enter upon the way to
seek a life companion. The Lord has outlined a beautiful path to be followed in this procedure to reduce pain,
embarrassment, and disappointment. If it is followed there is much more promise for a long, happy marriage.
A. The need for Counsel
Prov. 20:18; 19:20; 20:5; 19:27
Jeremiah 17:9
Proverbs 14:12
The Lord through His word and prayer
Messages to Young People, 435 “Above all, make Christ your counselor. Study His word with prayer.”
Testimonies 9, 276 “Let God teach you His way. Inquire of Him daily to know His will. He will give unerring
counsel to all who seek Him with a sincere heart.”
Adventist Home, 43 “Marriage is something that will influence and affect your life both in this world and in the
world to come. A sincere Christian will not advance his plans in this direction without the knowledge that God
approves his course. He will not want to choose for himself, but will feel that God must choose for him.”
Prov. 3:5-8; 19:14; 18:22
Jeremiah 33:3
James 1:5
God fearing Parents
Prov. 4:1, 10, 23; 6:20-25; 1:8-10
Messages to Young People, 435 “If you are blessed with God-fearing parents, seek counsel of them. Open to them
your hopes and plans, learn the lessons which their life experiences have taught, and you will be saved many a
heartache.”
Pastors, guardians, older more experienced persons
Selected Messages 2, 361 “Some men have insight into matters, having ability to counsel. It is a gift of God. In
moments when the cause of God is in need of words, sound and solemn and solid, they can speak words which will
lead minds perplexed and in darkness, to see as a quick flash of sunlight....”
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10. Messages to Young People, 445 “While they are to love and honor their parents, they are also to respect the
judgment of men of experience with whom they are connected in the church.”
Questions to be considered
1. Do I need companion now?
2. Am I ready to take on this responsibility financially, practically, spiritually (can I lead out in family worship? Do I
pray and study diligently?) If the counselors give the green light then go forward.
3. Who is the one to be considered?
(a) Is she spiritually mature (attends church, pays tithe, has her own personal devotions.)?
(b) Does she have reasonable health?
(c) Can she bear her load of responsibility?
(d) Can she cook a nutritious attractive meal, care for sick children, save money, etc.?
(e) What are her parents like? (Remember, in a few years she will be like her mother)
(f) How does she treat brothers, sisters, and friends?
(g) What has been her past?
B. How to find the right person?
Prayer and Bible Study
Messages to Young People, 460 “If men and women are in the habit of praying twice a day before they contemplate
marriage, they should pray four times a day when such a step is anticipated. Marriage is something that will influence
and affect your life, both in this world and in the world to come. A sincere Christian will not advance his plans in this
direction without the knowledge that God approves his course. He will not want to choose for himself, but will feel
that God must choose for him. We are not to please ourselves, for Christ pleased not Himself.”
Observation
This needs to be done without her being aware of what you are doing. Study her actions, manners, speaking, etc...
You can find more things out by watching from a distance than being close and she disguises herself because she
knows you are watching her.
Investigation
Ask other people about her that will not tell her about your interest. (friends, work companions, her parents) You
wan to know if she can cook, can keep a house clean, can sing, play an instrument and whatever else maybe a
prerequisite to you. Do not rush, make sure you know who you are getting involved with. The questions you had to
answer for yourself should now be asked about that person. This is a contract that can determine your eternal destiny.
Counsel with people that know her personally
Messages to Young People, 449 “Examine carefully to see if your married life would be happy, or inharmonious and
wretched. Let the questions be raised, Will this union help me heavenward? will it increase my love for God? and
will it enlarge my sphere of usefulness in this life? If these reflections present no drawback, then in the fear of God
move forward.”
*The above statement should be asked and meditated upon all throughout the relationship.
C. What is Courtship?
Before we go into how to start the courtship let us ask ourselves what courtship is so we have a correct understanding
of what we are engaging in.
Adventist Home, 55 “The ideas of courtship have their foundation in erroneous ideas concerning marriage. They
follow impulse and blind passion. The courtship is carried on in a spirit of flirtation. The parties frequently violate
the rules of modesty and reserve and are guilty of indiscretion, if they do not break the law of God. The high, noble,
lofty design of God in the institution of marriage is not discerned; therefore the purest affections of the heart, the
noblest traits of character are not developed. Not one word should be spoken, not one action performed, that you
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11. would not be willing the holy angels should look upon and register in the books above. You should have an eye
single to the glory of God. The heart should have only pure, sanctified affection, worthy of the followers of Jesus
Christ, exalted in its nature, and more heavenly than earthly. Anything different from this is debasing, degrading in
courtship; and marriage cannot be holy and honorable in the sight of a pure and holy God, unless it is after the
exalted Scriptural principle. The youth trust altogether too much to impulse. They should not give themselves away
too easily, nor be captivated too readily by the winning exterior of the lover. Courtship as carried on in this age is a
scheme of deception and hypocrisy, with which the enemy of souls has far more to do than the Lord. Good common
sense is needed here if anywhere; but the fact is, it has little to do in the matter.”
From this statement and previous ones we can deduct that:
1. Because we are to be reserved prior to a courtship we need time to come closer and get to know a person
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without the appearance of evil.
2. A courtship is time to determine whether or not you want to enter into a contract with that person for the rest
of your life. (If you were going to sign a contract with someone in which case you could lose a million
dollars how carefully you would judge the person’s character and motives. How much more careful we
should be with some one who can determine our eternal destiny)
3. A courtship does not mean you will marry that person. It is time to get to know the person.
4. During courtship reserve is still to be practiced and open honesty should be the rule so there is no deception.
5. Courtship is not dating where you can call out some ones affections and then drop them and go on to the
next person.
Adventist Home, 57 “To trifle with hearts is a crime of no small magnitude in the sight of a holy God. And yet some
will show preference for young ladies and call out their affections, and then go their way and forget all about the
words they have spoken and their effect. A new face attracts them, and they repeat the same words, devote to
another the same attentions. This disposition will reveal itself in the married life...”
2 Cor. 6:14-16 Note the word, agreement.
Deut. 22:10
AH 49 Let every step toward a marriage alliance be characterized by modesty, simplicity,. sincerity, and an earnest
purpose to please and honor God. . . .
1. To find out whether we are compatible in such areas as
a) Culture
b) Religion
c) Backgrounds
d) Race
e) Financial status
f) Common interests, goals, standards (dress, recreation, music, association, etc.)
g) Some difference on minor matters for variety.
2. To find out if we can agree on such things as
a) Church attendance
b) Tithing
c) Diet (vegetarian?)
d) Having children
e) How to deal with in-laws
f) Where to live
g) Employment
h) Whether wife works outside the home
i) Family finance
3. To discover God's will together
Jeremiah 33:3
Isaiah 30:21
D. How to proceed with courtship? How to get the message to the girl that you feel God is leading you to, you
are interested in and your counselors approve of?
1. The young man should approach her parents before she knows of his interest in her. He should answer the
questions they have for him and then wait until he gets an answer from her or her parents. This reduces the stress that
girl may feel should he approach her directly and she is not interested, but most of all it is honoring God and her
parents.

12. Exodus 20:12 “Honour thy father and thy mother: that thy days may be long upon the land which the LORD thy God
giveth thee.”
Messages to Young People, 445-446 “A young man who enjoys the society and wins the friendship of a young lady
unknown to her parents, does not act a noble Christian part toward her, or toward her parents. . . . He who would
lead a daughter away from duty, who would confuse her ideas of God's plain and positive commands to obey and
honor her parents, is not one who would be true to the marriage obligations. The question is asked, 'Wherewithal
shall a young man cleanse his way?' and the answer is given, By taking heed thereto according to Thy word.' The
young man who makes the Bible his guide, need not mistake the path of duty and of safety. That blessed book will
teach him to preserve his integrity of character, to be truthful, to practice no deception. 'Thou shalt not steal,' was
written by the finger of God upon the tables of stone; yet how much underhand stealing of affections is practiced and
excused.
2. The young lady should be talked to. She should pray alone. Then counsel with parents and possibly pastors or
older spiritually minded women.
Messages to Young People, 450 “True love is a plant that needs culture. Let the woman who desires a peaceful,
happy union, who would escape future misery and sorrow, inquire before she yields her affections, Has my lover a
mother? What is the stamp of her character? Does he recognize his obligations to her? Is he mindful of her wishes
and happiness? If he does not respect and honor his mother, will he manifest respect and love, kindness and attention,
toward his wife? When the novelty of marriage is over, will he love me still? Will he be patient with my mistakes,
or will he be critical, overbearing, and dictatorial? True affection will overlook many mistakes; love will not discern
them.”
3. If the young lady believes God is leading after a period of time and investigation regarding her suitor with her
counselors is completed, then she may send the word that she is willing to enter courtship.
4. They can then plan when to meet together to discuss the matter.
E. Conduct in courtship
Caution and not making haste
This requires time alone to pray and meditate. Too many courtships begin with the intention to be careful but get
impulsive and miss all the time with the Lord and asking Him for help and wisdom.
Messages to Young People, 449 “If there ever was a subject that needed to be viewed from every standpoint, it is this.
The aid of the experience of others, and a calm, careful weighing of the matter on both sides, is positively essential.
It is a subject that is treated altogether too lightly by the great majority of people.”
Messages to Young People 449 “Weigh every sentiment, and watch every development of character in the one with
whom you think to link your life destiny. The step you are about to take is one of the most important in your life,
and should not be taken hastily...”
Messages to Young People 447 “If there is any subject that should be considered with calm reason and
unimpassioned judgment, it is the subject of marriage.”
Messages to Young People 439 “Before giving her hand in marriage, every woman should inquire whether he with
whom she is about to unite her destiny is worthy. What has been his past record? If his life pure? Is the love which
he expresses of a noble, elevated character, or is it a mere emotional fondness? Has he the traits of character that will
make her happy? Can she find true peace and joy in his affection? Will she be allowed to preserve her individuality,
or must her judgment and conscience be surrendered to the control of her husband? As a disciple of Christ, she is not
her own; she has been bought with a price. Can she honor the Savior's claims as supreme? Will body and soul,
thoughts and purposes, be preserved pure and holy? These questions have a vital bearing upon the well-being of
every woman who enters the marriage relation.”
Restrain affections
Messages to Young People, 452 “The young affections should be restrained until the period arrives when sufficient
age and experience will make it honorable and safe to unfetter them.”
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13. Maintain a reserved atmosphere
Adventist Home, 55 “The courtship is carried on in a spirit of flirtation. The parties frequently violate the rules of
modesty and reserve and are guilty of indiscretion, if they do not break the law of God. The high, noble, lofty design
of God in the institution of marriage is not discerned; therefore the purest affections of the heart, the noblest traits of
character are not developed. Not one word should be spoken, not one action performed, that you would not be
willing the holy angels should look upon and register in the books above.”
Adventist Home, 56, 57 “The habit of sitting up late at night is customary; but it is not pleasing to God, even if you
are both Christians. These untimely hours injure health, unfit the mind for the next day's duties, and have an
appearance of evil. My brother, I hope you will have self-respect enough to shun this form of courtship. If you have
an eye single to the glory of God, you will move with deliberate caution. You will not suffer lovesick sentimentalism
to so blind your vision that you cannot discern the high claims that God has upon you as a Christian. Satan's angels
are keeping watch with those who devote a large share of the night to courting. Could they have their eyes opened,
they would see an angel making a record of their words and acts. The laws of health and modesty are violated. It
would be more appropriate to let some of the hours of courtship before marriage run through the married life. But as
a general thing, marriage ends all the devotion manifested during the days of courtship. These hours of midnight
dissipation, in this age of depravity, frequently lead to the ruin of both parties thus engaged. Satan exults and God is
dishonored when men and women dishonor themselves. The good name of honor is sacrificed under the spell of this
infatuation, and the marriage of such persons cannot be solemnized under the approval of God. They are married
because passion moved them, and when the novelty of the affair is over, they will begin to realize what they have
done. Satan knows just what elements he has to deal with, and he displays his infernal wisdom in various devices to
entrap souls to their ruin. He watches every step that is taken, and makes many suggestions, and often these
suggestions are followed rather than the counsel of God's word. This finely woven, dangerous net is skillfully
prepared to entangle the young and unwary. It may often be disguised under a covering of light; but those who
become its victims pierce themselves through with many sorrows. As the result, we see wrecks of humanity
everywhere.”
Deceptive practices
Trifling with hearts
Excessive time together
Time alone, in public, with a chaperone
Physical contact
Certain topics to discuss
Buying gifts
*As a courtship progresses in time more and more does the relationship deepen and this is natural but to move
ahead of the Lord is a grave mistake only to be met with dire consequences.
Courtship can be used as a means of evangelism
Messages to Young People, 449 “Examine carefully to see if your married life would be happy, or inharmonious and
wretched. Let the questions be raised, Will this union help me heavenward? Will it increase my love for God? and
will it enlarge my sphere of usefulness in this life? If these reflections present no drawback, then in the fear of God
move forward.”
1=1 1+1=2 If God is leading 1+1=2 or more otherwise 1+1=0 or less
F. Approaching engagement?
Messages to Young People, 449 “But even if an engagement has been entered into without a full understanding of
the character of the one with whom you intend to unite, do not think that the engagement makes it a positive
necessity for you to take upon yourself the marriage vow, and link yourself for life to one whom you cannot love and
respect. Be very careful how you enter into conditional engagements; but better, far better, break the engagement
before marriage than separate afterward, as many do.”
How long should a courtship be?
How to ask her to marry you?
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14. G. The wedding ceremony
Manuscript Release 10, 196 “About 11:00 a.m. Tuesday our large dining room was prepared for the wedding
ceremony. Brother Starr officiated in the service, and it passed off nicely. The request was made by Brother Hickox
that Sister White should offer prayer after the marriage ceremony. The Lord gave me special freedom. My heart was
softened and subdued by the Spirit of God. On this occasion there were no light jests or foolish sayings. Everything
was solemn and sacred in connection with this marriage. Everything was of an elevating character and deeply
impressive.”
Adventist Home, 100, 101 “Marriage ceremonies are made matters of display, extravagance, and self-indulgence.
But if the contracting parties are agreed in religious belief and practice, and everything is consistent, and the
ceremony be conducted without display and extravagance, marriage at this time need not be displeasing to God.
There is no reason why we should make great parade or display, even if the parties were perfectly suited to each
other. It has always seemed so very inappropriate to me to see the marriage ordinance associated with hilarity and
glee and a pretense of something. No. It is an ordinance ordained of God, to be looked upon with the greatest
solemnity. As the family relation is formed here below, it is to give a demonstration of what they shall be, the family
in heaven above. The glory of God is ever to be made first.”
H. The honeymoon
Testimonies 7, 45 “The first year of married life is a year of experience, a year in which husband and wife learn each
other's different traits of character, as a child learns lessons in school....To gain a proper understanding of the
marriage relation is the work of a lifetime. Those who marry enter a school from which they are never in this life to
be graduated.”
V. The choice of a home
VI. Practical thoughts for after the honeymoon
A. Five languages of love (physical touch, gift giving, quality time, words of affirmation, acts of service)
B. Communication
Experts claim that one of the most serious problems in marriage and a prime cause of divorce lies in the inability or
reluctance of couples to communicate. Many of these couples know they aren't communicating, but they aren't sure
exactly what it is they are or are not supposed to do. (60)
55% of what we communicate is through body language
a pout body postures
a sigh body gestures
a grimace nervous tapping of the foot
a squint of the eyes tightly clenched teeth
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motion of irritation
38% of what we communicate is through our emotions or tone of voice
7% of what we communicate is through our words
There are five levels of communication
1. Small Talk
2. Factual Conversation
3. Ideas and Opinions
4. Feelings and Emotions
5. Deep Insight

15. Habits that tend to block communication
The solution sender weights down his speech with orders, directions, and commands. Get over here. Hang up
your clothes. Hurry up. Warnings and threats comprise more solutions. If you ever do that again, I'll... Another
is moralizing. Don't you know enough not to... Most of us resent being told we must, should, or better do
something.
Many of us resort to put-downs in spite of the fact that we know what it feels like to be put down. Put-downs
judge, criticize, and blame: That's not a bad idea, considering you thought of it. They name call, ridicule, and
shame: You're a slob. They interpret, diagnose, and psychoanalyze: You only say that because... They attempt to
teach and instruct: Honey, we shouldn't leave our towels on the floor.
Then there is the corrector. For example, while the husband tells a story to friends, his wife helps him keep the
facts straight.
We left on Sunday night...
Oh, Honey, I think it was Thursday night just before the holiday.
OK, we left Thursday right after the kids got home from school.
No, dear, it was late that evening when we got away. Remember, the kids came home and we had a big supper
before we left.
Well, anyway, we left and drove straight to Los Angeles, and...
Honey, are you sure we went there first? I thought we...
A corrector has a compulsion to concentrate on proper reporting. Such remarks are often attempts to draw attention
to self, and they show a lack of sensitivity in allowing someone else to tell a story the way he perceives and
remembers it.
The judge tries to second-guess what will come next. A wife might say, They are having a really good program at
the church Wednesday night. Her husband doesn't wait to see what point she is going to make, but he cuts her off
with, Yes, we're not going.
The monologuer has a compulsive need to talk and frequently insists on having the last word. He can't bear to be
corrected, and so he maintains a know-it-all attitude. Often monologuers have a desperate need to be popular, but the
more they monopolize conversations, the more they bore others and cut themselves off from forming close
attachments.
The silent treatment uses silence as a weapon or a form of control. Both husbands and wives use it, but usually in
different ways. When a man is silent, strong emotions such as fear or anger are building up inside. A woman usually
uses silence to get even for some injustice done to her or when she reaches the stage of total despair and desperation.
The silent treatment may be given because one refused to listen last time, or the silent one may be suffering from a
deep hurt.... The silent husband, according to some marriage counselors, lies behind one half of all the troubled
marriages they encounter.
Ecclesiastes 3:7-...a time to keep silence,
Ministry of Healing, 486 “Words spoken in reply to one who is angry sometimes serve only to exasperate. But anger
met with silence, in a tender, forbearing spirit, quickly dies away.”
Adventist Home, 443 “The husband or the wife may utter words that are liable to provoke a hasty reply, but let the
one who is spoken to keep silent. In silence there is safety.”
Child Guidance, 551 “To be silent is the strongest rebuke that you can give to one who is speaking harsh,
discourteous words to you. Keep perfectly silent. Often silence is eloquence.”
I-messages
Have you tried using I-messages in your conversation? They identify your actual feelings and report them openly,
honestly, and kindly to your mate. I-messages are particularly useful when you feel irritated with something your
mate does. Rather than responding with hostile words and actions, say, I feel irritated because...
Compare the different reactions to these two messages sent by wives after their husbands refused to take them out to
dinner.
Wife No. 1: You're so inconsiderate! All I do is slave for you, and you never think of anyone but yourself. All you
want to do is watch TV. You make me sick!
Wife No. 2: I really need a break tonight. I've been cooped up in the house all week. I need to be alone with you to
communicate on an adult level.
Wife No. 2 tells only how she feels, a fact her husband can hardly argue with. Wife No. 1 blames, judges, and puts
down her husband. This gives him ammunition for an argument and will probably cause him to become more
stubborn and defensive than before.
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16. I-messages quickly eliminate the attack and defense in mutual name-calling and reciprocal blaming. If a wife
reminds her husband in an accusing way that he has plenty of time to work on the camper but no time to keep the
yard in shape, he will probably react something like this: There you go again. Always hounding me about that yard.
Nag, nag, nag.
A direct report of her feelings through an I-message would ease the situation: I'm becoming more and more irritated
over this unkept yard that I must look at all day. I'd like to sit down and talk about it while I am still able to control
my irritation. She reported her personal feelings without put-downs and without telling him what to do. He is now
free to accept or reject her opinion.
More examples of how to use the I-message follow:
The wife is reading in bed when her husband wants to sleep. I've had a hectic day, and I'm too tired to stay up with
you. I'm going to turn over and go to sleep now.
The husband buries himself behind the newspaper as soon as he gets home from work, but his wife says, I need a
little intimate conversation tonight because I feel all bottled up inside. I really could use a little time to talk with
you.
I-messages bring some startling results. Spouses are surprised to learn how the other really feels about matters.
Often their replies might sound like this: I didn't know it even bothered you, or Why didn't you say something
before? We often underestimate the willingness of our mates to be more considerate. If you really want to have
your feelings recognized, you must continually communicate them directly until you are understood.
Barriers to Effective Listening
The bored listener has heard it all before. When Mr. J rehashes complaints about his joy, Mrs. J says to herself.
Here we go again, and puts her brain in neutral. Yet on occasion when Mr. J says something new and looks for
support and encouragement from his wife he isn't likely to get it.
A selective listener picks out bits and pieces of conversation that interest him and rejects the rest. For instance, a
husband may be reading while his wife is talking. Most of what she says goes in one ear and out the other, but when
she mentions spending money he becomes all ears. Other people do not want to hear anything disagreeable,
upsetting, or different--Ernie's behavior at school or more expenses on the car. We do not gain anything by rejecting
what we do not wish to hear. In many situations we need all the facts in order to make a decision.
A defensive listener twists everything said into a personal attack on self. One wife casually remarked to her
husband that she had nothing to wear. Although she never mentioned purchasing a new wardrobe, he flew into a
rage because he felt that her remarks were directed toward a lack of his ability to earn a living. A hurt wife gave her
husband the silent treatment all evening because she felt that his disgust with the children's table manners was a
personal attack on her ability to train them properly.
Interrupters spend their time not listening to what is being said but in forming a reply. Interested only in their own
ideas, they pay little attention to the words of others and wait only for a split second when they can break in with,
Oh, that's nothing. You should hear what happened to me. Or, That reminds me of...
Another hazard is the insensitive listener--one who cannot catch the feeling or emotion behind words. One young
wife asks her husband to take her out to dinner. She does not need to be taken out to dinner as much as she needs
reassurance that he still loves her and is willing to make the effort to please her. If he tells her bluntly that they can't
afford it or he is to tired, he hasn't listened to the meaning behind her request.
How to listen effectively
1. Be alert to body language.
2. Use door openers. Some of the simplest door-openers are: I see. You don't say. Tell me more. I'd be
interested in your point of view. Tell me the whole story. In this way you encourage the other person to talk
and do not give the idea that you can hardly wait to snatch the conversation away. They convey respect by
implying: I might learn something from you. Your ideas are important to me. I am interested in what you have
to say.
3. Use active listening. In active listening you catch what has been said and then restate what you think the feeling
is, not the facts of what has been said.
Carl: Len Bradford, the new administrator, really gets my goat. He picks on the smallest things. He's always
on my back. I don't know how much more I can take. Helen, using active listening, says, You mean Len
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17. Bradford is a very difficult person to work with, or It's very difficult to work with someone who nit-picks.
When you think you understand, you then say it back, checking for any misunderstanding.
When Jan says, I'm so tired I could die, Jack could say, Stop talking about being tired and take some Geritol.
Or, You always get tired this time of night when you think I might want to talk for a while. But with active
listening Jack would say, You're really bushed, huh? Any special reason? This now opens the door for Jan to
seek understanding from her husband concerning certain problems she has had with the children, a run-in with a
neighbor, or worries over her mother's health. She now knows Jack cares about her day and duties. It is easier
for her to say more, go deeper into her problem, and develop her thoughts further. Caution: Once private
feelings are exposed, however, you must restrain the urge to give advice, criticize, blame, or make judgments.
This is not the time for that.
Rules for effective listening
1. Maintain good eye contact. Focus your full attention on your partner.
2. Sit attentively. For a few minutes act as if nothing else in the world matters except hearing your partner out.
Block all other distractions from your mind. Lean forward in your chair.
3. Act interested in what you are about to hear. Raise your eyebrows, nod your head, smile, or laugh when
17
appropriate.
4. Sprinkle your attentive listening with appropriate phrases to show agreement, interest, and understanding.
5. Ask well-phrased questions. Give encouragement by asking questions that illustrate your interest.
6. Listen a little longer. Just when you think you are through listening, listen thirty seconds longer.
C. Rules for solving a strong conflict of opinions
1. Choose the best time and place.
2. Say it straight. State your feelings openly and respectfully through the effective use of I-messages.
3. Discus how each of you relate to the problem
4. Stay on the subject.
5. Show respect. You may not agree with your mate's position. You may be violently opposed. But you can still
respect his right to have his opinion.
6. List the solutions.
7. Evaluate the solutions.
8. Choose the most acceptable solution.
9. Implement the decision. Decide who is to do what, where, and when.
What to do when one partner fails
Proverbs 15:1 “A soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger.”
Rather than responding with words that throw you into the heat of battle, choose not to argue.
If your husband reads something hostile into a perfectly legitimate request, choose not to argue but state calmly and
reasonably: I'm sorry it sounded like that. What I meant to convey is that...
If your mate has a special gift for sarcasm, tell him openly: It hurts me to hear remarks like that about me. I know I
do things that hurt you also, but let's try to avoid such things in the future.
If you live with a faultfinder, don't defend yourself. Instead, take notes on your sins. When he has gotten it all off
his chest, say something like this: OK, let's go back to the first thing you mentioned. If I'm really at fault here, I'm
willing to talk it over with you. I'll ask the same of you, too.
When a partner makes a ridiculous exaggeration, such as, You never come home on time, rather than correcting the
statement, try: I know this upsets you and that you feel it happens too often. I'll try not to let it happen again.
If your husband breaks his agreement not to yell at you because you spend so much money, check your own angry
response and tell him that he has a good point and that you'll try to cut expenses in the future. Then, at another time,
when he has calmed down, bring the budget up for discussion and work out a plan agreeable to both of you.
Avoid a relationship breakdown including the empty nest
Studies show that communication peaks during the first year of marriage while a couple explore inner feelings and
set goals for the future. But in a few years children enter the scene, and attention is diverted from husband and wife
to home and children. Romance wears off, and the relationship takes on the appearance of a business partnership.
Conversation centers on financial problems, the fight Tommy had at school, and Susie's poor grades.

18. In the meantime husband and wife have been pursuing different interests. He has been expanding his business
ventures and protecting the family's future. Her life has centered around her home, the children, and her hobbies.
Within a few years the children leave the nest, and the couple in their middle years find that they have no basis for
communication in depth.
Too many couples are sharing and communicating, but only about things--their jobs, the car, the house, the kids, the
church. Is this how you communicated when you were courting each other? I doubt it. All you wanted then was to
be together and to converse with one another. It hardly mattered what you did together, only that you were together.
As you talked you frequently used the words I, you, we, us. You were not so concerned with things as you were to
discover each other.
During all stages of married life, couples need a method whereby they can get in touch with the other partner's
feelings. Perhaps you are aware that your communication has consisted mostly of exchanges of ideas, concepts, and
hopes for the future, but you know little of how your mate feels inside.
Talk back is a plan whereby couples can regain the intimacy that was either lost or forgotten with the passing of
time. This program involves choosing a subject for discussion. A choice is endless, but some suggestions are: My
greatest emotional need is...,You can best fill my meed for love by..., How I feel about disciplining the children...,
The happiest moment of my life with you was when...,I like you because....
The subject is not as important as the sharing of feelings about it. After you have decided on a subject, reflect and
write on it for just ten minutes.
How to avoid fighting
1. What should we seek to learn about ourselves?
2. When we have learned our weaknesses what should we do?
3. Why is it important to have complete victory now?
4. Do we have any weaknesses that cannot be resisted?
5. Who does Satan use often to disturb our happiness?
6. What 5 steps lead to a fight?
7. What will happen to the true Christian as a result of Satan's attacks?
8. Is it possible never to fight?
9. What will it take to never fight?
Testimonies 1, 308 “Some have asked the question, Must I be on my guard and feel a restraint upon me continually?
I have been shown that we have a great work before us to search our own hearts, and watch ourselves with jealous
care. We should learn wherein we fail, and then guard ourselves upon that point. We must have perfect control over
our own spirit....We are living too near the close of probation to be content with a superficial work. The same grace
which we have hitherto considered sufficient will not sustain us now. Our faith must be increased, and we must
become more like Christ in conduct and disposition in order to endure, and successfully resist, the temptations of
Satan. The grace of God is sufficient for every follower of Christ.
Our efforts to resist the attacks of Satan must be earnest and persevering. He employs his strength and skill in trying
to turn us out of the right way. He watches our going out and our coming in, that he may find opportunity to hurt or
destroy us. He works most successfully in darkness, injuring those who are ignorant of his devices. He could not
gain advantage if his method of attack were understood. The instruments he employs to effect his purposes, and
transmit his fiery darts, are often the members of our own families.
Those we love may speak or act unguardedly, which may wound us deeply. It was not their intention to do this; but
Satan magnifies their words and acts before the mind, and thus hurls a dart from his quiver to pierce us. We brace
ourselves to resist the one whom we think has injured us, and by so doing we encourage Satan's temptations. Instead
of praying to God for strength to resist Satan, we suffer our happiness to be marred by trying to stand for what we
term our rights. Thus we allow Satan a double advantage. We act out our aggrieved feelings, and Satan uses us as
his agents to wound and distress those who did not intend to injure us....
I saw that the enemy will contend either for the usefulness or the life of the godly, and will try to mar their peace as
long as they live in this world. But his power is limited. He may cause the furnace to be heated, but Jesus and angels
will watch the trusting Christian, that nothing may be consumed but the dross. The fire kindled by Satan can have no
power to destroy or hurt the true metal. It is important to close every door possible, against the entrance of Satan. It
is the privilege of every family so to live that Satan can take no advantage of anything they may say or do, to tear one
another down. Every member of the family should bear in mind that all have just as much as they can do to resist our
wily foe, and with earnest prayers and unyielding faith each must rely upon the merits of the blood of Christ and
claim His saving strength.”
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19. 1. Who is the enemy?
2. When is Satan's golden moment?
3. What does Satan use to create alienation?
4. What should be our goal?
Adventist Home, 106 “Satan is ever ready to take advantage when any matter of variance arises, and by moving upon
the objectionable, hereditary traits of character in husband or wife, he will try to cause the alienation of those who
have united their interests in a solemn covenant before God. In the marriage vows they have promised to be as one,
the wife covenanting to love and obey her husband, the husband promising to love and cherish his wife. If the law of
God is obeyed, the demon of strife will be kept out of the family, and no separation of interests will take place, no
alienation of affection will be permitted.”
1. What kind of words are an offering to Satan?
2. What results attend continued variance?
3. What will become easy?
Testimonies 1, 310 “We must subdue a hasty temper and control our words, and in this we shall gain great victories.
Unless we control our words and temper, we are slaves to Satan. We are in subjection to him. He leads us captive.
All jangling and unpleasant, impatient, fretful words are an offering presented to his satanic majesty. And it is a
costly offering, more costly than any sacrifice we can make for God, for it destroys the peace and happiness of whole
families, destroys health, and is eventually the cause of forfeiting an eternal life of happiness. The restraint which
God's word imposes upon us is for our own interest....Under this holy restraint we shall increase in grace and
humility, and it will become easy to speak right. The natural, passionate temper will be held in subjection. An
indwelling Saviour will strengthen us every hour.”
D. Relationship of authority between husband and wife
Who was to have the leadership role?
Why was it necessary for Eve to be in submission to Adam?
How have husbands often used this role?
How is the wife affected by the husbands incorrect treatment?
Genesis 3:16 “...thy desire shall be to thy husband, and he shall rule over thee.”
Adventist Home, 115 “...the Lord said, Thy desire shall be to thy husband, and he shall rule over thee. In the
creation, God had made her the equal of Adam. Had they remained obedient to God--in harmony with His great law
of love--they would ever have been in harmony with each other; but sin had brought discord, and now their union
could be maintained and harmony preserved only by submission on the part of the one or the other. Eve had been the
first in transgression; and she had fallen into temptation by separating from her companion, contrary to the divine
direction. It was by her solicitation that Adam sinned, and she was now placed in subjection to her husband. Had the
principles enjoined in the law of God been cherished by the fallen race, this sentence, though growing out of the
results of sin, would have proved a blessing to them; but man's abuse of the supremacy thus given him has too often
rendered the lot of woman very bitter, and made her life a burden.”
What kind of submission should the wife give to the husband?
Who should be the only one to yield entire submission to?
Explain the phrase as it is fit in the Lord.
Adventist Home, 115,16 “The question is often asked, Shall a wife have no will of her own? The Bible plainly
states that the husband is the head of the family. Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands. If this
injunction ended here, we might say that the position of the wife is not an enviable one; it is a very hard and trying
position in very many cases, and it would be better were there fewer marriages. Many husbands stop at the words,
Wives, submit yourselves, but we will read the conclusion of the same injunction, which is, As it is fit in the
Lord. Col. 3:18. Entire submission is to be made only to the Lord Jesus Christ, who has purchased her as His own
child by the infinite price of His life. God has given her a conscience, which she cannot violate with impunity. Her
individuality cannot be merged into that of her husband, for she is the purchase of Christ. It is a mistake to imagine
that with blind devotion she is to do exactly as her husband says in all things, when she knows that in so doing, injury
would be worked for her body and her spirit, which have been ransomed from the slavery of Satan. There is One
who stands higher than the husband to the wife; it is her Redeemer, and her submission to her husband is to be
rendered as God has directed--as it is fit in the Lord. When husbands require the complete subjection of their wives,
declaring that women have no voice or will in the family, but must render entire submission, they place their wives in
a position contrary to the Scripture. In interpreting the Scripture in this way, they do violence to the design of the
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20. marriage institution. This interpretation is made simply that they may exercise arbitrary rule, which is not their
prerogative. But we read on, Husbands, love your wives, and be not bitter against them. Col. 3:19.”
What must the husband do to be a Christlike type of leader?
What type of conduct disqualifies him for this type of leadership?
How can the husband be a Saviour in his family?
Ephesians 5:23 “For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the Savior
of the body.”
Adventist Home, 117 “The Lord Jesus has not been correctly represented in His relation to the church by many
husbands in their relation to their wives, for they do not keep the way of the Lord. They declare that their wives must
be subject to them in everything. But it was not the design of God that the husband should have control, as head of
the house, when he himself does not submit to Christ. He must be under the rule of Christ that he may represent the
relation of Christ to the church. If he is a coarse, rough, boisterous, egotistical, harsh, and overbearing man, let him
never utter the word that the husband is the head of the wife, and that she must submit to him in everything; for he is
not the Lord, he is not the husband in the true significance of the term....Husbands should study the pattern and seek
to know what is meant by the symbol presented in Ephesians, the relation Christ sustains to the church. The husband
is to be as a Saviour in his family.”
What additional reasons are given for the husband to be the head?
Adventist Home, 215 “It is no evidence of manliness in the husband for him to dwell constantly upon his position as
head of the family. It does not increase respect for him to hear him quoting Scripture to sustain his claims to
authority. It will not make him more manly to require his wife, the mother of his children, to act upon his plans as if
they were infallible. The Lord has constituted the husband the head of the wife to be her protector;...Christ's
authority is exercised in wisdom, in all kindness and gentleness; so let the husband exercise his power and imitate the
great Head of the church.”
What is the true definition of husband?
Testimonies 1, 547 “Every member of the family centers in the father. His name, 'house-band,' is the true definition
of husband.”
What are some ways the wife may hurt the husbands leadership?
Who should be yielding?
Whose judgement is to have preference?
Testimonies 1, 307,8 “The husband is the head of the family, as Christ is the head of the church; and any course
which the wife may pursue to lessen his influence and lead him to come down from that dignified, responsible
position is displeasing to God. It is the duty of the wife to yield her wishes and will to her husband. Both should be
yielding, but the word of God gives preference to the judgment of the husband. And it will not detract from the
dignity of the wife to yield to him whom she has chosen to be her counselor, adviser, and protector. The husband
should maintain his position in his family with all meekness, yet with decision.”
What should the wife do if the husband seems unreasonable?
Testimonies 1, 309 “The requirements of the husband may sometimes seem unreasonable to the wife,...Does she
have to wait to see reason in it before she submits?...if she should calmly, candidly take the second view of the matter,
in as favorable a light for him as possible, she would see that to yield her own way and submit to his judgment, even
if it conflicted with her feelings, would save them both from unhappiness and would give them great victory over the
temptations of Satan.”
What often happens when there is a difference of opinion?
Adventist Home, 118 “In the married life men and women sometimes act like undisciplined, perverse children. The
husband wants his way, and the wife wants her way, and neither is willing to yield. Such a condition of things can
bring only the greatest unhappiness. Both husband and wife should be willing to yield his or her way or opinion.
There is no possibility of happiness while they both persist in doing as they please.”
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21. What is arbitrary control?
What happens to love when it is used?
Adventist Home, 118 “Neither the husband nor the wife should attempt to exercise over the other an arbitrary control.
Do not try to compel each other to yield to your wishes. You cannot do this and retain each other's love. Be kind,
patient, and forbearing, considerate, and courteous.”
arbitrary=based on one's preference, notion, or whim.
How should the husband and wife treat each other?
Testimonies 7, 47 “The husband is to cherish his wife as Christ cherishes the church. And the wife is to respect and
love her husband.”
Adventist Home, 114 “The wife is to respect her husband. The husband is to love and cherish his wife;...”
What must both seek to repress?
Adventist Home, 120 “Anything that would mar the peace and unity of the family should be firmly repressed, and
kindness and love should be cherished.”
What five steps lead to a fight?
1. An unintentional word or act that hurts the other
2. Satan observes the hurt to the second party
3. Satan magnifies what was said or done to the second party
4. The second party determines to stand for their rights
5. Intentional words or acts that hurt are returned
E. Preserving the Sacred Circle
1. How should the husband and wife handle secrets about the other?
2. How should the husband and wife handle each others faults?
3. What may joking about our partner cause?
Adventist Home, 177 “There is a sacred circle around every family which should be preserved. No other one has any
right in that sacred circle. The wife should have no secrets to keep from her husband and let others, know, and the
husband should have no secrets to keep from his wife to relate to others. The heart of his wife should be the grave
for the faults of the husband, and the heart of the husband the grave for his wife's faults. Never should either party
indulge in a joke at the expense of the other's feelings. Never should either the husband or wife in sport or in any
other manner complain of each other to others, for frequently indulging in this foolish and what may seem perfectly
harmless joking will end in trial with each other and perhaps estrangement. I have been shown that there should be a
sacred shield around every family. The home circle should be regarded as a sacred place, a symbol of heaven, a
mirror in which to reflect ourselves. Friends and acquaintances we may have, but in the home life they are not to
meddle.”
1. How do many break down the walls of the family relationship?
2. What is the result of this practice?
3. How serious is it for a woman to tell a man her family troubles?
4. If we must talk with someone who should it be?
5. What should a man say when a woman seeks his counsel?
Adventist Home, 337,8 “Oh, how many lives are made bitter by the breaking down of the walls which enclose the
privacies of every family, and which are calculated to preserve its purity and sanctity! A third person is taken into
the confidence of the wife, and her private family matters are laid open before the special friend.
When a woman relates her family troubles or complains of her husband to another man, she violates her marriage
vows; she dishonors her husband and breaks down the wall erected to preserve the sanctity of the marriage relation;
she dishonors her husband and breaks down the wall erected to preserve the sanctity of the marriage relation; she
throws wide open the door and invites Satan to enter with his insidious temptations. This is just as Satan would have
it. If a woman comes to a Christian brother with a tale of her woes, her disappointments and trials, he should ever
advise her, if she must confide her troubles to someone, to select sisters for her confidants, and then there will be no
appearance of evil whereby the cause of God may suffer reproach.”
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22. F. Should divorce ever be considered?
1. What does God hate?
2. What is the only Biblical ground for divorce and remarriage?
3. If adultery takes place should we always divorce?
Malachi 2:14-16 “...the Lord hath been witness between thee and the wife of thy youth, against whom thou hast
dealt treacherously: yet is she thy companion, and the wife of thy covenant.... Therefore take heed to your spirit, and
let none deal treacherously against the wife of his youth. For the Lord, the God of Israel, saith that he hateth putting
away: (divorce)...”
Mark 10:2-12 “And the Pharisees came to him, and asked him, Is it lawful for a man to put away his wife? tempting
him. And he answered and said unto them, What did Moses command you? And they said, Moses suffered to write a
bill of divorcement, and to put her away. And Jesus answered and said unto them, For the hardness of your heart he
wrote you this precept. But from the beginning of the creation God made them male and female. For this cause shall
a man leave his father and mother, and cleave to his wife; And they twain shall be one flesh: so then they are no more
twain, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder. And in the house his
disciples asked him again of the same matter. And he saith unto them, Whosoever shall put away his wife, and
marry another, committeth adultery against her. And if a woman shall put away her husband, and be married to
another, she committeth adultery.”
Mount of Blessing, 63 “As the Creator joined the hands of the holy pair in wedlock, saying, A man shall leave his
father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one (Gen. 2:24), He enunciated the law of
marriage for all the children of Adam to the close of time.”
Adventist Home, 340 “Every marriage engagement should be carefully considered, for marriage is a step taken for
life. Both the man and the woman should carefully consider whether they can cleave to each other through the
vicissitudes of life as long as they both shall live.”
Adventist Home, 342 “God gave only one cause why a wife should leave her husband, or the husband leave his wife,
which was adultery. Let this ground be prayerfully considered.”
Matthew 5:32 “...whosoever shall put away his wife, saving for the cause of fornication, causeth her to commit
adultery: and whosoever shall marry her that is divorced committeth adultery.”
Matthew 19:9 “...Whosoever shall put away his wife, except it be for fornication, and shall marry another,
committeth adultery: and whoso marrieth her which is put away doth commit adultery.”
Adventist Home, 342 “God gave only one cause why a wife should leave her husband, or the husband leave his wife,
which was adultery.”
Adventist Home, 341 “Your ideas in regard to the marriage relation have been erroneous. Nothing but the violation
of the marriage bed can either break or annul the marriage vow.”
1. What factors should be considered before obtaining a divorce?
2. What is it like to live with a partner that has committed adultery?
3. What is it like to divorce our partner?
4. When must we make the decision if we wish to divorce?
1RH 76-In cases of the violation of the seventh commandment where the guilty party does not manifest true
repentance, if the injured party can obtain a divorce without making their own cases and that of their children, if they
have them, worse by so doing, they should be free.
If they would be liable to place themselves and their children in worse condition by a divorce, we know of no
scripture that would make the innocent party guilty by remaining.
Time and labor and prayer and patience and faith and a godly life might work reform. To live with one who has
broken the marriage vows and is covered all over with the disgrace and shame of guilty love, and realizes not, is an
eating canker to the soul; and yet a divorce is a lifelong, heartfelt sore. God pity the innocent party! Marriage should
be considered well before contracted.
Why! oh, why! will men and women who might be respectable, and good, and reach Heaven at last, sell themselves
to the Devil so cheap, wound their bosom friends, disgrace their families, bring a reproach upon the cause, and go to
hell at last? God have mercy. Why will not those who are overtaken in crime manifest repentance proportionate to
the enormity of their crime, and fly to Christ for mercy, and heal, as far as possible, the wounds they have made?
But, if they will not do as they should, and if the innocent have forfeited the legal right to a divorce, by living with
the guilty after his guilt is known, we do not see that sin rests upon the innocent in remaining, and her moral right in
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23. departing seems questionable, if her health and life be not greatly endangered in so remaining. (James Ellen
White)
What should be done rather than divorcing each other?
Spiritual Gifts 3, 120 “There are many unhappy marriages because of so much haste....They do not realize that the
happiness of their whole life is at stake. If they move wrong in this matter, and their marriage life proves unhappy, it
cannot be taken back. If they find they are not calculated to make each other happy, they must endure it the best they
can.”
Adventist Home, 35l “Her marriage was a deception of the devil. Yet now she should make the best of it, treat her
husband with tenderness, and make him as happy as she can without violating her conscience; for if he remains in his
rebellion, this world is all the heaven he will have.”
Adventist Home, 345 “If your dispositions are not congenial, would it not be for the glory of God for you to change
these dispositions....I tell you both to seek the Lord....You can and must change your attitude.”
Divorce is not the Answer, condensed from The Case Against Divorce by Diane Medved, PhD, a clinical
psychologist-I originally thought that staying together in turmoil was more traumatic than simply making the break,
that striking down taboos about divorce was part of our modern enlightenment. I was wrong....Divorce is so
disastrous to body, mind and spirit that in an overwhelming number of cases, the cure is worse than the
disease....It's well known that half of North American marriages fail; equally well known is the financial suffering
for both men and especially for women who divorce. But even more alarming are the lingering psychological effects
experienced by many children....Divorce is hell....So what is fuelling this delirium? I suspect it's a drastic change in
our values. Let me contrast four basic beliefs we shared years ago with those accepted today. You'll see how our
present mind-set undermines marriage and fosters divorce.
1. Marriage is for keeps versus Marriage until passion fades.
2. Work to build a future versus Live for the here and now.
3. Divorce is a shameful failure versus Divorce is no big deal.
Until no-fault divorce, people were forced in most jurisdictions to confront the fact that they'd failed. They had to
make statements under oath that their spouse had been unfaithful, abusive or had deserted them. The judicial system
magnified the public humiliation.
4. Affairs are wrong and should be concealed versus Affairs are okay, and honesty is the best way to deal with
them. Wrong. Adultery leads to divorce. A Ladies' Home Journal survey of 350,000 readers revealed that 83:4
percent of unfaithful wives divorced. Philip Blumstein and Pepper Schwartz in American Couples note: Husbands
and wives who had had extramarital sex were more likely to break up whether it happened at the beginning of the
marriage or after many years. In marriage, nonmonogamy is such a trespass that even those in established
relationships do not shut their eyes to it.
1. Should second marriages that have not been based on previous grounds of adultery be allowed to remain
together?
2. Should they be allowed church membership?
Letter September 15, 1911 “Mother...says regarding Elder Wales as she has said regarding other men in a somewhat
similar position, if they have thoroughly repented, if they are living such lives as convince their brethren that they are
thoroughly in earnest, do not cut them off from fellowship, do not forbid their working for Christ in a humble
capacity, but do not elevate them to positions of responsibility. (work as a laymen rather than a minister)”
Willie C. White, Letter February 21, 1927 “Regarding G, I can speak quite freely. About 1875 he married a very
brilliant schoolteacher. Her mother was a very devoted woman; her father was a great hypocrite. She was very
talented, but after a number of years she became quarrelsome and made his life miserable. At that time he was
associated with a very brilliant young woman who was an accountant at _____ College, and formed a fondness for
her. Sister White wrote him a very plain warning, which he promised to heed. Shortly after Sister White had gone to
Europe, Bro. G resigned his position at _____ College, went to Michigan to visit his sister, and offered no
obstruction to his wife in getting a divorce. Thus far, those who knew the case approved, but shortly after this he
married the bookkeeper before mentioned; then all his friends were greatly grieved. He taught awhile at _____, then
settled near _____, and for many years worked very hard, his wife helping him to make a living on a little fruit and
vegetable farm. They came to see the wickedness of the course they had taken. They repented of it very bitterly, and
their brethren and sisters were satisfied that their repentance was genuine. They had three beautiful children,
growing up, and no one as far as I knew encouraged them to separate. When the matter was put before Sister White,
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