Poem about the grief of a mother and support from least expected people

1. Small passing
Ingrid de Kok

2. More about the Poet
Ingrid de Kok is the professional name of Ingrid
Jean Fiske. She was born in Johannesburg in 1951
and grew up in Stilfontein.
She studied at Queens’ University in Canada before
returning to South Africa. Today she is an Associate
Professor at the University of Cape Town’s Centre for
Extra-Mural Studies.
To date she has published three collections of poetry,
and her poems have appeared in at least eleven
overseas anthologies. They have also been translated
into several different languages.
She has been the recipient of three prestigious prizes
for her contribution to English Literature.

3. POEM
For a woman whose baby died stillborn, and who was told by a man to stop
mourning, ‘because the trials and horrors suffered daily by black women in
this country are more significant than the loss of one white child’
1
In this country you may not
suffer the death of your stillborn,
remember the last push into shadow and silence,
the useless wires and cords on your stomach,
the nurse’s face, the walls, the afterbirth in a basin.
Do not touch your breasts
still full of purpose.
Do not circle the house,
pack, unpack the small clothes.
Do not lie awake at night hearing
the doctor say, ‘It was just as well’
and ‘You can have another.’
In this country you may not
mourn small passings.

4. See: the newspaper boy in the rain
will sleep tonight in the doorway.
The woman in the busline
may next month be on a train
to a place not her own.
The baby in the backyard now
will be sent to a tired aunt,
grow chubby, then lean,
return a stranger.
Mandela’s daughter tried to find her father
through the glass. She thought they’d let her touch him.
And this woman’s hands are so heavy when she dusts
the photographs of other children
they fall to the floor and break.
Clumsy woman, she moves so slowly
as if in a funeral rite.

5. On the pavements the nannies meet.
These are legal gatherings.
They talk about everything, about home,
while the children play among them,
Their skins like litmus, their bonnets clean.
2
Small wrist in the grave.
Baby no one carried live
between houses, among trees.
Child shot running,
stones in his pocket,
boy’s swollen stomach
full of hungry air.
Girls carrying babies
not much smaller than themselves.
Erosion. Soil washed down to sea.

6. 3
I think these mothers dream
headstones of the unborn.
Their mourning rises like a wall
no vine will cling to.
They will not tell you your suffering is white.
They will not say it is just as well.
They will not compete for the ashes of infants.
I think they will say to you:
Come with us to the place of mothers.
We will stroke your flat empty belly,
let you weep with us in the dark,
and arm you with one of our babies
to carry home on your back.

7. ANALYSIS
• TITLE
The juxtaposition of the words is
terribly sad. “Small” suggests
something unimportant while “passing”
contrasts as it refers to the
stillborn baby.

8. Lines 1-2
The poet is bitter that
the country in which she
lives should have such
an indifferent attitude
towards her suffering.

9. Lines 13-14
“small” is meant figuratively. People regard the
baby’s death as less important in comparison with
the suffering experienced by others in apartheid SA.

10. Lines 1-14
Repetition of “Do not”  the poet is remembering all
the instructions that she received yet she does not
remember anyone being sympathetic. These words
reflect the indifference that she encountered.

11. Lines 22-24
Passing of time. The baby is taken away from his
mother to live with an aunt and will be a total
stranger by the time he returns.
Reference to “Mandela”
provides a sense of time
and place.

12. Lines 15-25
The poet recalls how the man
pointed out the suffering of the
black people around her. There
will be no escape for them while
time will heal her pain.

13. Lines 26-28
The woman is the black
maid who works for a white
family. Her hands are
“heavy” as she is filled with
sadness.

14. Lines 29-30
The black woman misses her own children. It is as if
her children are dead and she is in a funeral
procession for them (simile).

15. Line 35
Litmus paper is used to test for acidity and alkalinity.
Like the paper, the white children are in contrast with
their black nannies.

16. Line 36
Every body part is important to
the grieving mother. It
demonstrates how mother’s of
every race experience the same
grief and are able to relate to one
another.

17. Lines 39-40
The poet refers to the suffering of mothers who have
lost their children due to politics, such as when they
were shot dead while stoning the police.

18. Line 45
Erosion is a metaphor for the
destruction of the people. Their
“fertility” is destroyed by making
life harsh and unrewarding.

19. Lines 46-47
These mothers dream of
children dying even before they
are born because they have
become so accustomed to
death. They almost expect to
outlive their children.

20. Lines 48-49
Simile. This wall is not real which is why the vine will
not grow against it. It symbolizes safety. They mourn
in a protected environment where they are able to
work through their grief at their own pace without
interference from others.

21. Line 55
These words are soothing and provide solace.
The tender attitude of mothers (understanding,
sympathy, empathy) is depicted.

22. Line 57
The baby will protect her so that
she will not have to listen to the
comments about her grief being
less important than that of other
mothers.

23. Line 46-58
“they”  black mothers who
understand the poet’s suffering
Repetition of “They will not” emphasizes heartache.
The poet says that these black mothers understand
her suffering. Her privileged status does not mean that
her suffering is less important than theirs.

24. INTENTION
The poet wants people to realize that ANY death is
important.
TONE
Bitterness (part 1) shifts to
supportive (part 3)

25. SUMMARY
The poem deals with the shock of losing one’s baby in a
society where death is an everyday reality.
For the mother, the death of her child is a tragedy beyond
parallel and yet the poet gets reminded often – mainly by
males – that this is nothing compared with the greater
tragedy happening all around her in apartheid South
Africa, where death is the norm.
On the other hand, the Black women do not see it that
way. They are able to comfort her and see her loss as a
genuine catastrophe which is indeed comparable with all
the other tragedies happening around them. Hers is
literally no small passing.

26. ANSWERS:
1. You may not complain about a stillborn birth√,
homelessness√, poverty√, imprisonment√ or
disappearance√ in South Africa. (any four)
2. During apartheid, when black people gathered together
the police feared that these meetings could lead to
political protest√. The poet mocks this convention by
calling the social gathering of nannies waiting for public
transport a “legal gathering”√.

27. 3. These mothers are supportive and caring with the ability
to overlook prejudice (“your suffering is white”) and not
use empty expressions of empathy√ (“it is just as well”).
These mothers “do not compete” as they are completely
sincere and will offer warm support√.
4. In traditional societies, mothers are more likely to be the
parents offering support in grief and suffering√ however,
other women or men could also be caregivers and provide
emotional support√.