1. INDIVIDUAL SUBMISSION FEEDBACK REPORT
TITLE
READER ID NUMBER
YEAR
READER SYNOPSIS
OF IDEA
A failed actor and a former lawyer struggle to survive in a post-apocalyptic
England savaged by 'the sickness'.
SCRIPT EXTRACT
This is an engaging and entertaining extract which reveals true potential as a
comedy series. Although zombie comedies have recently become very
popular, this series sets itself apart from the likes of Sean of the Dead,
Zombieland and Cockneys vs Zombies by combining light-hearted farce with
dark and occasionally twisted undertones. The concept at the heart of this
piece – a group’s struggle to make choices in a world without the moral
framework of society - is compelling and adds depth. When a morally
ambiguous choice does present itself in the extract, in the form of Andy
deciding whether or not to take one for the team in order to secure some
'weaponry' from Nick, the writer displays an undeniable skill for comedy and
this moment in particular acts as a dramatic highlight.
Each scene demonstrates a clear goal, obstacle and resolution (although it
appears that scenes past Scene 2 have not been labelled), with the first scene
effectively introducing ‘the sickness’ and the basic personality traits of our
two protagonists. In order to avoid the pace dragging, the writer might
consider cutting scenes a little shorter, in particular the exchange between
Nick and Lloyd in the woods, which felt a little superfluous. A stronger sense
of urgency could be introduced by establishing a clear reason for Andy and
Gemma needing to obtain more weapons at this point in the story; in
structural terms, this could act as an inciting incident towards the end of the
first act. If page limit permits, it would be beneficial to see a little more of the
last scene, as it does end quite abruptly. Despite this, however, we are left
wanting to know the fate of this charismatically odd group of characters.
The dialogue is true to character and witty throughout the extract. Although
it is a little on the nose at times in its attempt to set up character (for
example, Andy's assertion that he is the 'leader of the camp, goddamit'), this
is balanced with some more subtle idiosyncrasies which effectively reveal

2. personality traits: Gemma's dialogue is distinctively dominant and to the
point, whilst Nick's is endearingly ditsy and reveals his combustible nature.
There are a few lines that could be amended; for instance, Andy’s statement
that Jason is showing an unwillingness to ‘answer questions’ might be more
accurate if it were changed to ‘respond to instructions’. These are minor
faults, however, and some lines in particular (Gemma’s caustic insults
towards Andy, for instance) are sharp, witty and laugh-out-loud funny.
SERIES TREATMENT
The treatment flows well and effectively establishes the comedy’s concept
and protagonists. It does, however, read a little like an introduction and lacks
an overriding set-up, conflict and resolution for the series as a whole. As
such, we don’t learn much about story arc or character development,
although it is clear from this description that there is plenty of potential for
both. We do, however, gain a strong sense of the comedic tone from the last
paragraph and there are some very creative touches, in particular the LARP
group not being aware that they’re in the midst of a true apocalypse.
EPISODE
BREAKDOWN
The three episodes described are original, creative and innately funny. Each
episode appears to be quite isolated, however, and, whilst they all succeed in
telling their own story, it isn’t clear how they relate to each other or to the
series as a whole. To improve this, the writer might consider detailing an
overriding story, perhaps with its own three act structure, which acts as a
source of continuity throughout the series. This might refer to the after-
effects of a morally ambiguous choice made by the group, temporary ways in
which our protagonists overcome their flaws, a development in the
relationship between them or a subplot amongst the supporting characters.
CHARACTERISATION
Overall, the characters in this script are distinctive and well-thought-out, with
some endearing flaws. The descriptions of the minor characters are
particularly engaging (though there is a slight discrepancy regarding Lloyd’s
age). Apart from Nick, a little more consideration could be given to their
appearance and, within the extract itself, Gemma’s introduction as ‘tall, slim
and dark-haired’ could be expanded to reveal more of her character. Andy,
with his desperation to impress Gemma, immaturity and low self-esteem,
runs the risk of being very similar to Sean in Sean in the Dead, but this could
hopefully be overcome by making sure his character is as idiosyncratic as the
other members of the group. The disparity between the personality traits of
our two protagonists – guileless creative vs. hard-hearted lawyer - gives them
plenty of potential to learn from each other as the series progresses.
OVERALL COMMENTS
This script provides good comedic value with interesting characters, witty
dialogue and plenty of charm. The story arc of the overall series needs to be
carefully considered, and the extract for this episode could benefit from
shorter scenes and a stronger sense of urgency. The script’s concept of moral
ambiguity is the cornerstone of its originality and appeal, and should
therefore take centre stage throughout the series if it is to be executed well.