1. F
or two years of high school, my world revolved
around a guy who wouldn’t even look at me if his
friends were around. I know that sounds really bad,
but as a plus-sized girl—I’ve been between a size 16
and a size 18—I felt lucky to have somebody to fill
that boyfriend role at all.
I saw Tim* the first day of freshman year and thought
he was cute—and totally out of my league. Later that week,
though, I got a Facebook message from him asking for our
math assignment. I didn’t have it, but he called me anyway.
We talked about Call of Duty and movies
we’d seen. It was easy talking to him—like
we’d known each other forever. Soon we
were on the phone for hours every night
and hanging out at each other’s houses—
but we never talked at school. I figured he
liked me and just didn’t want everybody
knowing his business. About three months
went by, and then one night before we got
off the phone, he sounded kind of nervous
and then blurted out, “I love you.” My
heart was racing—it was like time had
stopped. Saying it back felt like the most
natural thing in the world. It didn’t
matter that we hung out only in private.
We loved each other, and that felt bigger than anything.
Those hours after school, with Tim’s arm around me
and my head on his chest, were everything. On days when
I’d feel self-conscious about my body, he’d hold me and say,
“Anyone who can’t see how beautiful you are is blind.” He
celebrated holidays at my house and even said he loved me
in front of my parents.
Still, nobody at school knew about us. I’d mentioned
Tim to a few friends, and people started to wonder if we
were together. That’s when I first heard he was saying mean
things about me—that I was fat, and we weren’t even
friends. He denied it, and I wanted to believe him, but he
still wouldn’t even acknowledge me in public. It hurt, but
the thing is, when no guy has ever shown you affection, it’s
easy to want to cling to what you have, even if it doesn’t
always make you feel good about yourself.
Whenever I’d ask him to be boyfriend-girlfriend official,
he’d change the subject, and he started talking a lot about
this other girl and how cool she was. Looking back, I’m
sure he was interested in her, but at the time, I told myself,
Tim says he loves me every single night. Whatever is going
on with her can’t be anything serious.
Sophomore year, he agreed to be my date for the school
formal. Tim was finally ready to go public!
I got a new dress and spent days thinking
about how I’d wear my hair. Hours before
the dance, though, his mom called and
said Tim had an eye infection and couldn’t
make it. I was crushed but asked my
cousin to go to the dance with me instead.
(I couldn’t waste that dress!) I hoped Tim
was okay—until I saw pictures of him out
with friends. I don’t think there was an eye
infection; he’d just chickened out. When I
looked back at the rumors about what he
was saying behind my back, it all made
sense. He was embarrassed to be seen with
me. Maybe he thought his friends would
judge him for dating a girl my size. I didn’t know what his
thinking was—I just knew I deserved better.
Telling Tim I couldn’t see him anymore was hard. He
got angry and said he’d never loved me anyway. It was so
weird and confusing, but it helped me see the truth: I’d
wasted so much time caring about someone who didn’t
truly care about me. I’m hoping college will be different—
that there are better, more confident guys out there who
will feel lucky to be seen with me and know that pretty
comes in sizes other than zero. To truly love someone, you
have to embrace everything about them—both inside and
out. Now that I know that, I’m never going to let anyone
hide me away again.
He was too insecure to openly date a plus-sized girl, so
we kept our relationship a secret—and it sucked.
by DeAnna, 18 as told to melanie abrahams
“My Boyfriend Was
of My Body”
Ashamed
Inevertold
himhow
hurtiwas,
because
Iwasafraid
ofbeing
rejected.
*Name has been changed.104 seventeen.com / march 2015
photo:Hachephotograph/GettyImages.(modelusedforillustrativepurposesonly,)