Local Families Write Honest Obituaries ...n Addiction Stigma - Courant Community
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Courant Community / Simsbury
Local Families Write Frank Obituaries To Erase
Heroin Addiction Stigma
By Kristin Stoller • Contact Reporter
AUGUST 23, 2015, 7:51 AM
IMSBURY — Ross and Nancy Vinocur will never understand what happened in the last 10 days of
their son's life.
Simsbury High School 2007 graduate Nicholas Vinocur was calling his parents and joking with his sister in
the July days before he died after a battle with heroin addiction and seven months of sobriety. In Nick's
obituary, the Vinocurs abandoned the tired euphemisms and, instead, issued a heartfelt plea to family or
friends of addicts.
"To all of you who are facing this horrible scourge as the family or friend of an addict, please reach out every
day and be there for him or her," Nancy Vinocur wrote. "Let them know how much you love them and that
there is nothing they could do to lose that love. Temper any tough love with your tender support."
The Vinocurs are among an increasing number of grieving parents who have chosen to expose their wounds
in a time of severe vulnerability, where their loved one's private struggles with heroin addiction are made
Nicholas Vinocur, left, on one of his many hikes with his parents, Ross and Nancy Vinocur. Nicholas died on July 7 of a heroin
overdose. (Courtesy of the Vinocur family)
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public. More and more, families are writing candid warnings about the truth of heroin addiction.
There seems to be stigma around addiction, said Nancy Vinocur, and she hopes to help eradicate that stigma
through her son's obituary. Addiction is a disease, she said, and a public health crisis.
"We thought if we would help one more person, one more addict, it would be worth it."
•
About 1,400 miles away, Barbara Theodosiou is encouraging family members touched by addiction to share
without shame.
Nine years ago, Theodosiou founded The Addict's Mom, a Facebook and online community dedicated to
helping the mothers of addicts. The Davie, Fla., mom lost her son to addiction in March.
"I couldn't care less who thinks I'm an addict's mom and, truthfully, the only way it will change is to break
our silence," she said.
She said the group has grown to 40,000 members in nearly a decade, with chapters in every state, who hope
to create a conversation and erase the stigma of addiction.
In Connecticut, people are becoming more comfortable talking about substance abuse, said Mary Kate
Mason, communications director for the state Department of Mental Health and Addiction Services.
"I think families candidly talking about their loved one's struggles or opiate overdoses will help people
become increasingly aware," Mason said. "There is no community that is safe from the opioid public health
crisis, whether it is prescription drugs or heroin."
Since she went public before and after her son's death, Theodosiou said, thousands of moms are more open
to speaking out about addiction.
"I want to find that mother who is alone in bed, who can't get up, to let them know … that you matter,"
Theodosiou said. "Your voice matters. You are not alone."
•
The Vinocur family was not the only Simsbury family forced to decide whether to open up about their son's
struggles after an addiction-related death.
One year earlier, fellow former Simsbury High School student James Denault died from an overdose. To the
best of his knowledge, Ross Vinocur said, his son did not know James Denault.
When John Denault Jr. was tasked with writing his son's obituary in April 2014, he, too, opted for honesty.
He said it didn't occur to him to do it any other way.
James, who attended Simsbury High School as a freshman in 2004, had been in and out of rehabilitation
programs and served multiple jails stints in the years before his body was found in his Fort Lauderdale, Fla.,
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apartment, Denault said.
When Denault flew down to meet police, he found that his son's body had broken down and decayed "past
the point it could be taken home in a coffin."
"I'm angry about losing my son to this horrible thing," said Denault, who now lives in Oxford. "I carried him
when he was a baby and I carried him home in a backpack after I had him cremated. It was the worst thing
in my life."
He said he wrote an honest obituary to share the horrors of addiction so his son's death wouldn't be a "total
waste."
"As James worked to help his fellow addicts, he would want, as the family does, to raise people's awareness
of the incredible danger of addiction," Denault wrote in the obituary. "It claims lives every day."
If society is going to address the issue of addiction head on, people need to be candid about the deaths of
their loved ones, he said.
"I was never embarrassed any more than I would be embarrassed by someone having cancer. It's a disease,"
Denault said. "If you have an illness, it's not your fault."
After the obituary appeared in local newspapers, Denault said more than 300 people showed up at James'
memorial service. James' stepmother, Cathy Denault, said James was loved and admired, as he helped other
addicts in their recovery. Four of James' friends got tattoos in his honor, she said.
But Denault doesn't sentimentalize the memory of his son, who, Denault said, sold drugs to fuel his
addiction even as he worked to help his friends recover. And he doesn't think others should, either.
"He died alone in an apartment with a needle in his arm. His body rotted for three days," Denault said. "That
is not a martyr. That is horrible."
•
For the Denaults, writing the honest obituary was "liberating" because they said they didn't have to worry
about lying to others.
Seeing obituaries with euphemisms like "died unexpectedly" felt like a slap in the face, Cathy Denault said.
She encouraged others to tell the truth.
"Don't think that because you live in a certain zip code, you are immune," John Denault said. "You are not."
Bob Biggins, former National Funeral Directors Association president, said very candid obituaries are
something he sees all too often at his funeral home at Rockland, Mass. In the past three months, he said, he
has seen two families write bluntly about their loved ones' addiction.
"I can't help but think it has to be able to help," Biggins said. "I know for one thing, it can't hurt."
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If a family's story can save one life, than their loved one didn't have to die in vain, he said.
Diana Duksa Kurz, former president of the Connecticut Funeral Directors Association, said obituaries as a
whole are changing. Not long ago, families would write a brief life history of the deceased person, she said.
Now, Kurz said, families tend to share more about their loved ones.
"Obituaries have morphed into expressions of heartfelt feelings and emotions, which is a step beyond just
vital statistics," said Kurz, whose family owns the Newington Memorial and Burritt Hill Funeral Homes.
The trend toward sharing candid facts and emotions may be influenced by social media, she said, as people
are more familiar with sharing their lives with strangers.
Kurz said many such obituaries give families an opportunity to have some good come from their loss and
pain.
Still, many families are hesitant to share a family members cause of death, especially if it caused by suicide
or a drug overdose, she said.
"It's a very private thing, and it's a very painful thing," Kurz said. "Every loss is."
•
Ross and Nancy Vinocur said they worry that many addicts, like their son, think they have had "a last
chance."
Ross Vinocur said many addicts think the amount of love or support is finite — but it shouldn't be. Early on,
during his second full stint in a rehabilitation treatment center in late 2014, Nicholas had expressed defeat
to his parents.
"He told us full out, even after the detox, 'Stop wasting your money on me. I just can't, all I want to do is
use,'" Ross Vinocur said. "He really had hit rock bottom, he saw no way out."
A few weeks later, Nancy Vinocur said, Nicholas became much more optimistic, and expressed interest in
going to a sober house in Portland, Maine for six months.
Ten days after he left the house, he was gone, Ross Vinocur said.
But Nancy Vinocur said she doesn't want people who are addicted to lose hope. Many people need to try over
and over to get clean before it sticks, she said.
"What doesn't work at 19 or 22 or 23 maybe will the more you live, and the more you have to live for," Nancy
Vinocur said. "Maybe the next time will be the charm."
Nancy Vinocur said she spent one night lying awake just thinking about what she should say in her son's
obituary. After mulling it over, she said, she decided to be honest and address the problem plaguing the area
and country.
