1. A Guide to Fear for Grown-Ups
Overview:
An adult now, you deny having ever felt afraid. Not since you were ten and your face
crawled with maggots in all the mirrors when the lights were too dim. Now you only worry—the
grown-up version of fear.
Step 1: Know the Difference (Afraid vs. Worried)
Fear can make black blood seep through the cracks in your skin; it trickles over slimy
crevices where spiders lay their eggs; it grows in your intestines like mold until its fingers reach
through your stomach, spawning children in your throat—little worms that suffocate you when you
try to vomit them up.
Worry requires no such imagery.
Step 1, Section 2 (Optional): Regret Growing Up
Deny any regret, (even when talking to yourself), but understand why a less-mature
individual might feel this way.
A rotting pile of bugs and bones, humid air smelling of gangrene and road-kill, would be a
welcome distraction. Something to justify your tears. A real poison to cough up with that lump in
your throat.
But no, stupid fearless adult, you have no monsters to be afraid of and nothing to choke on:
you’ll have to claw it out with chunks of esophageal tissue.
Step 2: Get Rid of It. Immediately.
 Reach down your throat, now. (Fend for yourself.)
 Find the fear in your stomach and yank it up, covered in bile.
 Put it away with your old stuffed animals. (Nothing to worry about!)
 Organize them, now, but not too much—not as if you care—just enough to
demonstrate your dedication to keeping things orderly.
 Let that shelf collect dust, a millimeter thick. No more, no less.

2. Step 3: Etiquette
3a: Preparation for Company and General Manners
Cover your mouth politely as you hack up a blackened lung. Push it aside—you’ve
paperwork to complete.
Excuse yourself before collapsing and sputtering on the floor, please, and clean up the vomit
before hosting dinner. You can worry about this—will the guests be turned off by the roaches in the
casserole? Should you cover the pit in the bathroom where the undead sneak out? At least you
needn’t fix the lights. All adults, here. No one fears the dark (they only worry about the cannibals
holding axes to the window, who might deliver Christmas cards you’re now obliged to reciprocate).
3b: Be a Proper Host(ess)
 In the event you are burdened with holiday cards, remember when to say “Season’s
Greetings” instead.
 Don’t worry tonight—all good Christian grown-ups here.
 Say your prayers in the dark and deny fearing anything but Hell.
 Clean your plate, but not quite as much as the guests.
 Give them seconds; feign concern you’ve left them hungry—they’ll reassure you.
 Let them leave you alone to clean the steaming piles of sick.
 Remember, you’re not afraid.
Step 4/In Conclusion:
Return to your taxes and fainting spells. Don’t allow any blood to stain the paper.
Remember, you are not afraid. You only worry (the grown-up version of fear).