1. THE SHADOW OF PARENTING
The dark side of parenthood
We are so proud of our
children. We love to brag about
their skills and accomplishments.
We take many pictures and post
them on social network sites, we
share them with our families and
friends. We feel elevated and
happy, that we can share our
wonderful
time with our
children with
the world.
“Look we are
a great
family! Look
my child is
great and I am great, my
husband is great and my life is
great. See we are all that what
we, as a society at large, value
as great!” However the smiling
faces and beautiful settings in our
pictures do not share all our
emotions. On social network sites
and in all these photos it looks like
we have great connections and
are valued as who we are.
However parenting and families
evoke powerful complex
emotions within us which might
make us feel as though we are
not in control. An out-of-control
state can bring frustration,
insecurity, anger, and a whole lot
more uncomfortable emotions.
The first most common reaction
to these emotions is to blame:
She/he ‘makes’ me feel like…..
Looking closer we learn that
our reactions are coming from
unresolved
emotional
issues.
Eckhart
Tolle, author
of “The
Power of
Now” and
“The New Earth” explains about
our emotional pain body as
being the main cause of drama,
pain and suffering. The pain
body has two levels of pain: the
pain you create now and the
pain from the past. Every pain
leaves a residue in your body
and will resurface any time a
similar situation is experienced or
witnessed. As children we are
imprinted with an emotional
signature of our families and
cultures of origin. Neither our
parents nor our society has
taught us how to find the root of
THE SHADOW OF PARENTING
QUOTES OF THE
MONTH
It's not only children
who grow. Parents do
too. As much as we
watch to see what our
children do with their
lives, they are watching
us to see what we do
with ours. I can't tell
my children to reach for
the sun. All I can do is
reach for it, myself.
~Joyce Maynard
The hardest part of
raising a child is
teaching them to ride
bicycles. A shaky child
on a bicycle for the first
time needs both support
and freedom. The
realization that this is
what the child will
always need can hit
hard.
~Sloan Wilson
An out-of-control state can
bring frustration, insecurity,
anger, and a whole lot more
uncomfortable sensations.

2. our pain and pleasure within us.
Rather we are taught to find the
root of our pain and pleasure
through external circumstances.
So we react and each time our
emotional pain is activated we
become more toxic and feel
even further out-of-control. It is
easy to fall out of connection
with our children and families,
when our buttons are pushed
over and over again. Our heart
grows heavy and we easily feel
like a victim to all that is ‘out
there’. We look at these beautiful
posts on all the social network
sites. No matter how many friends
and family members we share
with, we may feel completely
disconnected, unappreciated
and fake. Awareness is a crucial
step to break the identification
with the pain body and
transcend it. Yet this is easier said
than done. But we can try. Next
time your children or any
member of your family triggers a
mood in you, try not to react but
to breathe through it and to
notice the emotion rise. Question
the emotion and ask yourself
when else did you feel this type
of emotion and what is the
trigger all about. Once you start
your inquiry you will notice that
almost all arguments and issues
stem from a loss of control and
our inability to accept life as it is.
We have identified our happiness
and self-worth with our external
circumstances, especially to the
external circumstances of the
behaviours and communication
patterns of our families. An
example is the old argument
about the toilet seat up or down.
Do we need the toilet seat down
to feel respected and loved and
at the same time do we need the
toilet seat down to be able to
give respect and love?
To not only embrace the
great pictures and smiling faces,
but also the painful moments we
have to learn to embrace life as
everything. Life is full of emotions
including painful emotions. By not
fuelling pain (like reacting or
resisting to it) but by being with
pain, we learn to observe and to
witness what situations, which are
out of our control, do to our body
and mind. We learn to accept
and to surrender to life as a
whole and we come to see that
pain is only pain, yes painful, but
nothing more nor less. Little by
little we learn that pain and out
of control situations are part of
our lives. Little by little we learn
that our emotions will no longer
overwhelm us. We come to
accept life as a whole
experience and we become
skilled at it. Our children come to
observe us in our ability to
accept, surrender and change.
By observing us they learn to
transcend their fear of emotions
that are uncomfortable and
even painful and to accept life
as is.
Written and submitted by Christine Mann
Child Care Support & Outreach Consultant
North Shore Child Care & Resource and Referral
December 2014
Life is what it is. Parenthood is what it is. How wonderful there is a dark side.
Now I understand the bright side and give thanks.