This document discusses the essential ingredient for a loving relationship, which is having an intention to learn rather than control. It provides an example of a couple, Jason and Samantha, who are emotionally distant because their intentions were to control each other over a vacation disagreement rather than understand each other's perspectives. If their intention had been to learn, they could have explored each other's feelings and come to a mutually agreeable solution, strengthening their relationship through understanding rather than one person winning over the other. Maintaining an intention to learn rather than control is key for sustaining love in a relationship.

1. THE POWERFUL SECRET TO A LOVING
RELATIONSHIP
There are manyfactors that gointo creatinga lovingrelationship.Certainlyithelpsif twopeoplehave
some thingsincommonregardinghowtheylike tospend theirtime.Italsohelpsif theyhave common
valuesaroundreligionorspirituality,aroundpolitics,the environment,abortion,andpersonal growth.It
helpsif theybotheatjunkfoodor both eatorganic food.Itmakesthingseasierif bothare neator both
are messy,if bothare on time people orbothare late people.Physical attractionisalsoquite important.
It’sgreat if theyhave commonvaluesaroundmoneyandspending.
Yet a couple can have all of these andstill nothave a lovingrelationshipif one elementismissing.
Withoutthisessential ingredient,all the otherwonderfulattributeswillnotbe enoughtomake the
relationshipwork.
Thisessential ingredientisaboutintention.
At anygivenmoment,eachof us isdevotedtoonlyone of two differentintentions:tocontrol orto
learn.Whenour intentionistocontrol,ourdeepestmotivationistohave control overgettinglove,
avoidingpain,andfeelingsafe.Whenourintentionistolearn,ourdeepestmotivationistolearnabout
beinglovingtoourselvesandothers.
The motivationtogetlove ratherthan be lovingcancreate havocwithina relationship.
Let’slookat a typical relationship issue andsee whathappensregardingthe twodifferentintentions.
Jasonand Samanthaare feelingemotionallydistantfromeachother,andtheyhaven’tmade love ina
month.The problemstartedwhenSamanthastatedthatshe wantedtotake an expensivevacationand
Jasonobjected.Samanthagotangry,Jason gave in, andtheyhave beendistanteversince.
Samantha’sintentionwastohave control overgettingwhatshe wanted.She equatesanexpensive
vacationwithlove – if Jasondoesthisfor her,thenhe proveshislove forher.She usedherangeras a
wayto have control overgettingwhatshe wants.She wantscontrol overfeelingspecial toJason.

2. Jason’sintentionistoavoidpain.He gave himself uptohave control overSamanthanotbeingangry
withhim.He hopesthat bygivingSamanthawhatshe wants,she will see himasa good and loving
husband.
However,because bothJasonandSamanthawere tryingtocontrol each otherratherthan be lovingto
themselvesandeachother,theirinteractioncreatedemotional distance.
What wouldthishave lookedlikeif theirintentionhadbeentolearn?
If Samantha’sintenthadbeentolearn,she wouldnothave become angry.Instead,she wouldhave
wantedtounderstandJason’sobjections.If Jason’sintentionhadbeentolearn,he wouldnothave
givenhimself up.Instead he wouldhave wantedtounderstandwhythisparticularvacationwasso
importantto Samantha.BothSamanthaand Jasonwouldhave beencaringaboutthemselvesandeach
other,ratherthan wantingtoget love oravoidpain.In theirmutual explorationabout whytheyeach
feltthe waytheydid,theywouldhave learnedwhattheyneededtolearn – aboutthemselvesandeach
other– to reacha win-winresolution.Insteadof SamanthaostensiblywinningandJasonlosing,they
wouldhave come upwithsomethingbothof themcouldlive with.Withsome explorationof his
financial fears,Jasonmighthave decidedthatthe vacationSamanthawantedwouldbe fine.With
understandof Jason’sfinancial concerns,Samanthamighthave decidedonalessexpensivevacation.In
eithercase,bothof themwouldhave feltfine aboutthe outcome.
No matterhowmuch Jasonand Samanthahave incommonor are attracted to eachother,theirlove will
diminishwhentheirintentistocontrol rather thanlearn.It’samazinghow quicklylove vanisheswhen
one or both partnershave the intenttocontrol.It’sequallyamazinghow fastitcomesback whenboth
partnershave the intenttolearn.
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