1. CameronFehland
Prof.Lee
BBUKCAWSBPGK British Broadcasting United Kingdom Colonial Americas Wilderness Safari British
Proper Guy in Kakis
(Strong ProperBritish Voice)
We are on the seventhdayof our safari here inthe Americas. We’ve seensomeamazing
specimenstoinclude the DouchamusMaximusandthe Skankapotomis. Bothfascinatingcreatures.
There matingpracticesleave muchtobe desiredbut,trudgingon. We have foundourkingof kings
specimen. The Marine Grunt!
We have come upona Grunt in hisnatural habitat. Watch as he rootsaround the fieldsinhopes
to finda spaghetti andmeatsauce or evena poundcake wouldsuffice him. The Gruntistypicallya
carnivore buthave beenknowntoeat herbivore if the situationcallsforitor unlessaweighiniscoming
up.
(remember…thickBritish voice)
Notice howthe Grunt communicateswithvariousthroatanddiaghramnoises. If youlisten
carefullyitsoundslike akindof warbledEnglish,givingthe facade of intelligence.Butdon’tbe fooled
mates,itis an ignorantbeast.Distance shouldalwaysbe maintained.
The Grunt raisesitsheadandgrunts intothe wind
“Yuuuut,Yuuut,ERrrrrrr, Laaayyyoo,Raaaaaawwwt”
Oh listentothat!What a fascinatingcreature. Iam goingto attemptto confuse the beastbyshouting
out itsmosttypical matingcall.
“Libo.Libo,Libbboooo”
Letsstay downfor a momentmate and listen
“Ooooraaahhh”
Oh creyckythere itis. He thinksitis time tomate.How goodsport my friendsletsfallow it.
(Thecrew fallowsthe gruntbackto its cave)
Oh thisisa rare sight.We’ve foundthe Gruntsrumoreddomicile. Small andpoorlymaintained.
Can oftenbe a harsh home inthe winter. Here we see the Grunt preparingformating. Notice howhe
bathshis bodyinaxe,mostoftenthe phoenix scent. Thisisanattemptto attract a female bymasking
itsown scent. Notice howhe changeshistopcoat intoa polokaki pantswithrunningshoes. Itheorize

2. thisisa trickemployedbythe gruntto run downhismarkedpreyif she shouldbe spookedandrun. In
desperate timeshe mayshoutoutstrange noisestofool the mate.
The Grunt startsshouting.
“Bah, Bah, Tricare,bah,Tricare,basehousing”
Thiscan oftenbackfire onthe Gruntas it usuallyonlyattractsthe vile andpoisonousBarracksRat.
We are goingto have to call ita nighthere folksandpickupon Monday. Duringmatingthe Grunt can
oftenconsume the juicesof fermentedfruits andwheatandwhenthathappensthe Grunt isthe most
dangerousanimal onthe face of the planet. Idrather swimwithstingraysthenbe aroundaGrunt
duringmating.
Too soon?Too soon?Too soon.
Oh whatnice Monday wearegoing to havetoday. Wesee a wholepack of Gruntsgathered beforeone
of the older alphasof the pack. See howthey all stand row in row almostuniformlike with the older
huntersof the pack at the rightand movingondownwiththe younglingsorthe Privetfirstclasseson
the left. Notice howthe Alphagetswithininchesof the Gruntsface.Completelyunafraidof the lesser
male. It iswhat I believe isatestto see how strongthe Grunts are becomingbyhavingthemstay
perfectlystillandunflinchingbefore the alpha. He appears toonlybe prostratingbefore the marines
whose topmainlooksuncutor obviouslystillsmellof the fermentedmatingliquid.
Aw,and here we see one of the mothersof the pack. You can tell the mothersbythe shiny
objectsontheircolor. Tough and meanlike the alphabutultimatelyholdsswayoverthe alphas
aggressiveness. Butyousee the Grunt onlyrespectsaggressionandoftenshowsdisdainandobnoxious
behaviorbefore the mother.
Nowwe have a real treatmy friendswe have ayoungGrunt on the hunt. Watch how he uses
the terrainaroundhim to disguise hisalreadycamouflagedbody. He can lowerhimselfontohisbelly
and still manage tomove quicklythoughthe tall grass.
We see here the Grunthas spottedits pray. A youngunsuspectingairforce youngling. Itis
completelyunawareof the Gruntevenasit movesas Ithas no natural defensive or offensiveinstincts.
(TheGrunt crawls within twenty meters of the prey)
Oh lookat that! Ittakesoff withso much speed.Completelyabrutal creature. Ohlookthe air force
younglingistryingtorun butAirmendon’tcare much for theirbodiesappearance andisnomatch for
the muscularGrunt. Look as the Grunt usesa headlocktosubdue the Airmenuntil itsheartstops. It
takesonlya fewmomentsmyfriendsasthe Grunt isan efficientkiller,brutal butstill efficient.
Nowwatch as the Grunt will checkitssurroundingsforanyotherpredatorsbefore itwill begin
to feed. Ohno I thinkitspickeduponour scent. Itsstarringconfusinglyatuswithitschest flared. I
alsotheorize thatthe Grunt can recognize the commonancestrywithusbut still feelsconfusedand
afraidof us. Oh no, itappearsa smallerandweakersoldierhashappeneduponthe Grunts kill. A
scavengerbynature the Soldieroftenlivesoff the scrapesandprowessof the Gruntonce the Grunt has
finisheditsjob.The Gruntdoesn’tnotice asitsstill fixatedonus.

3. Oh the Grunt has noticedhisfolly.Ohlistentothe roar of anger andrage…Oh listenclosely.You
can hear the SoldierMockingthe Gruntby tryingto mimicone of its Calls.
“Hooha,Hooha”
See howit soundsa lotlike the GruntsOorah butjustnot quite. Well the Gruntwill gohungry
tonight. What a fascinatingcreature we have hadthe honorto observe. Well folksbackhome inlovely
Britainitsbeena pleasure. I’myourhost…Ohgodhe’sspottedus…
“Motoooo,Mootoooo.”
Its onto us run! Run! Forgetthe cameras,oh God...
(Thecamera rolls acrossthe ground and indistinguishablegrunting and gargling can be
heard)
The Grunt isan efficientkiller.