Dr. Bawdy Sex Research


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Bawdy Sex Research directly from the Dr. Bawdy desk. Dr. Bawdy is the world's foremost authority on sex—says he. Keep up to date on his latest news, research and advice --> www.bawdylanguage.com

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Dr. Bawdy Sex Research

  1. 1. “Who the hell is Dr Bawdy,” you might ask?Are you one of the few who don’t know who Dr. Bawdy is? After taking a moment to recoverfrom your embarrassment, read on.Dr. Celestial Bawdy, DFA, PHC, BO, LSMFT, is an esteemed scientist of human behavior whomysteriously vanished more than 150 years old, and, after a brief sojourn in the nether — sphere,suddenly reappeared on earth to share his life’s work with archivist and historian LawrenceParos. Dr. Celestial BawdyDr. Bawdy is here to serve you—to help guide you through the shoals of ignorance surroundingthe issue of sex and enable you to better understand whats happening, sexually speaking intoday’s culture.
  2. 2. Oral sex strengthens the vocal chords, helps to articulatemore clearly, and enlivens conversation.Source: The Journal of Articulation, April 22, 2012, pp 64-69. “Yodeling in the Gulley:Unanticipated Benefits,” Study Subjects: 25 Congressional Orators, 25 Hip-Hop Singers, 25Yentas, 25 ladies singing…and a partridge in a pear tree.Research Materials and Measurements: Articulation Index, Conversation Quotient, Chatteralgorithm, Sneed’s Tongue length and flexibility index.Statistically Significant Findings: Those who engage in oral sex 10 or more times weekly showan increases in vocal timber (Able to go two octaves above what they previously could; a 75%increase in their use of complete sentences ( both a subject and verb); a reduction ingrammatical errors by 38%. Friendships increased by 22% Posted on Dr. Bawdy Blog www.BawdyLanguage.com/blog
  3. 3. Two or more slurpees each day increase penis size.Source: The 7-Eleven Chronicle, July 17, 2012, pp 324-367, “Drink to me only,” PrincipalInvestigator: Dr. Apu Nahasapemapedela, Springfield University.Study Subjects: middle-aged workers from Springfield Nuclear Power Plant and teenagers fromvarious and sundry hangouts around town. Study site: Kwik-E-Mart.Study materials: 75 Gallons of Slurpees, assorted flavors, 100 dozen 64 ounce containers.Study tools: slurpee count-meter, internet porn, yardstick from Ace Hardware, and sordidbackroom.Statistically Significant Results: Penis size increased 1mm for every 525 64 oz containersdrunk. Note: No variation in size based on flavor.XTRA: See average international penis size and IQ correlation Posted on Dr. Bawdy Blog www.BawdyLanguage.com/blog
  4. 4. Premature ejaculators tend to be procrastinators in otherareas of their life and vice-versa.Source: The Journal of Delay and Obfuscation, August 25, 2012, pp 234-247. “Coming andGoing,” Dr. Johannes Sturm and Dr. Sigmund Drang, University of Frankfurt mit Relish.Study subjects: 25 wranglers fast on the draw and 25 office workers with a reputation for delay,all matched with each other’s wives and girl friends. Women supplied with stop watch and cum-meter.All events taped and evaluated by independent third party from Price Waterhouse.Statistically Significant Results: Desultory and delaying at work, faster active in bed; slowerand more deliberative in bed, faster on task completion on the job. Posted on Dr. Bawdy Blog www.BawdyLanguage.com/blog
  5. 5. Paying for sex increases the pleasure.Source: Street-Walkers Monthly, May 18, 2012, pp 69-69. “The Price is Right.” “Dr. LucyPoontang, Perverse U, July28, 2012, Study subjects: 25 ladies of the night, 25 congressmen.Measurements: Cum quotient, salivary gland secretions, incidence and frequency of ear-ringing.Statistically significant result: For every ten dollars spent, men’s sexual pleasure increasedone kumquat (The Journal of Statistics standard for measurement of pleasure) Posted on Dr. Bawdy Blog www.BawdyLanguage.com/blog
  6. 6. The larger a woman’s breasts, the greater the likelihood she is frigid.Source: The Women’s Sartorial Guide to Sex, June 21, 2012, pp21-25, “A Real Bust?” Dr. ErinBazooms, Zaftig U.Study Subjects: 25 pole dancers and young starlets, 25 middle aged men.Research tools and measurements: journals, sexual partners’ evaluations, ruler measurementsof penile length and depth of penetration, baking thermometers, moistness quotient of vaginalarea gauged by dew-meters. Posted on Dr. Bawdy Blog www.BawdyLanguage.com/blog
  7. 7. Men who stare at women’s breasts score higher on spatial perception tests and tests of mathematical reasoning.Source: The Chronicle of Higher Math and Lower Sex, “Here’s Looking at You Kid,” May 22,2012, pp 327-341. Principal Investigator: Dr. Samuel X. Rhombus, Tumescent State U. Studysubjects: 1,000,267 men under surveillance at 527,600 random locations.Measurements: the Schwanz psychometric spatial reasoning and Schlong mathematicalreasoning tests. Significant Results: Men afterwards were able to multiply as high as 32C.Additional Note: Single-blind only. Researchers were unable to find men who did not stare atwomen’s breasts. Posted on Dr. Bawdy Blog www.BawdyLanguage.com/blog
  8. 8. Men with pigeon-toes are most often circumcised.Source: Podiatria: The Journal of Foot Fetishism, “Toeing the line vs. the Meanest Cut,” Aug.1,2012, pp 49-59, Dr. Sterling Arches, Scholl College. Study Subjects: 45 men with pigeon-toes,45 with chicken-toes.Research tools: Observation and evaluation by trained mohels from the Jewish Orthodox andMuslim communities—two independent observations per penis, utilizing a blinding peephole. Posted on Dr. Bawdy Blog www.BawdyLanguage.com/blog
  9. 9. Women who shave their pubic area are more frigid thanthose who let it grow.Source: The International Quarterly of Sexual Cosmetology, “Cold Cuts,” May 31, 2012, pp 12-19, Dr. Renee Merkin and Dr. Rene Merkin, University of Je Ne Sais Quoi. Study Subjects: 25shaven women, 25 fur bearers. Research tools and measurements: thermometer readings,journals, volunteer barbers, and sexual partners’ evaluations. Posted on Dr. Bawdy Blog www.BawdyLanguage.com/blog
  10. 10. Men who pick their noses masturbate more regularly.Source: The Journal of Nasal Congestion, July 21, 2012, pp 112-127, “The Nose Knows,” Dr. HeinrichPutz, University of Schvitzgarten. Study Subjects: fifty inveterate nose-pickers, fifty Kleenex aficionados.Research tools and measurement: journals, pornography, incidence, number of boogers and pages stucktogether. Posted on Dr. Bawdy Blog www.BawdyLanguage.com/blog
  11. 11. Footnote to HistoryAs a professional historian, I have dedicated my life’s work to honoring great figures lost in theshuffle of time —bringing to the forefront little-known people who have had a profound effecton our lives and how we see the world. Celestial Bawdy was one such personage. Lawrence Paros, Authority on Dr. BawdyOne day in July 1991, I was working on the screenplay for a motion picture based on his life (Tobe directed by Ang Lee or Martin Scorsese, with Brad Pitt cast as Celestial), when I heard apounding at my front door. I opened it to find an old disheveled figure standing before meclutching a ream of papers. “I believe you were looking for these,” he said, handing them to me.“Let me introduce myself,” he said. “I am Sir Celestial Bawdy.”“How can that be?” I asked. “You’re 150 years old.”
  12. 12. “You’re fucking-A right,” he responded. “Agreed, this is some pretty weird shit, but suck it upkid. I’m back and here to stay. You have been tapped to be my conduit—to continue my work;create a platform for my ideas, and spread them far and wide. For my part, I will give youcomplete access to my papers, and write a regular advice column, providing you each day withnew and insightful suggestions for humankind. You, in turn, will tweet and blog and dowhatever you people do to get the word out—whatever it takes to spread the gospel of Bawdy farand wide through those internet tubes—to make it the universal language, teaching others how tolive, thereby elevating all of humankind in the process.” I agreed. Our destinies are now joined. Our voices are one. That’s the way it is. Read more http://www.BawdyLanguage.com/blog and