Healthy marriage & child upbringing

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A presentation on the Concept of Nikah in Islam and child upbringing

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Healthy marriage & child upbringing

  1. 1. A Workshop on Healthy Marriage & Child upbringing
  2. 2. Purpose <ul><li>This presentation is to help us understand </li></ul><ul><li>“ The sanctity of Marriage & Family life and how it can blossom as per the teachings of Islam” </li></ul>
  3. 3. How are our families doing <ul><li>Rate of Divorce is getting alarming </li></ul><ul><li>Dysfunctional families are increasing </li></ul><ul><li>Emotional sickness and depression is on the rise </li></ul><ul><li>Children are the innocent victims </li></ul><ul><li>Damage is not limited to young families </li></ul>
  4. 4. Importance of Marriage and Family <ul><li>Foundation of any healthy society </li></ul><ul><li>Marriage is the pillar on which the family is built </li></ul><ul><li>Train couples to be responsible and productive participants for the benefit of humanity </li></ul><ul><li>The parents are primarily responsible for preparing their children to be good Muslims who recognize their obligations towards </li></ul><ul><ul><ul><li>Their Lord </li></ul></ul></ul><ul><ul><ul><li>Society </li></ul></ul></ul><ul><ul><ul><li>Mankind in general </li></ul></ul></ul>
  5. 5. The Essence of Marriage <ul><li>Men are the protectors and maintainers of women, because Allah has given the one more (strength) than the other, and because they support them from their means. Therefore the righteous women are devoutly obedient, and guard in (the husband's) absence what Allah would have them guard. (Holy Quran – 4:34) </li></ul><ul><li>And among His Signs is this, that He created for you mates from among yourselves, that ye may dwell in tranquility with them, and He has put love and mercy between your (hearts): verily in that are Signs for those who reflect. (Holy Quran – 30:21) </li></ul><ul><li>It is He Who created you from a single person, and made his mate of like nature, in order that he might dwell with her (in love). Holy Quran – 7:189) </li></ul>
  6. 6. The Essence of Marriage <ul><li>Islam enjoins that a wife and husband should have the most friendly and loving relationship. Each should cover, protect and safeguard the interests of the other partner. </li></ul><ul><li>They are your garments and you are their garments (Holy Quran – 2:187) </li></ul><ul><li>Anas ibn Malik reported that the Prophet (pbuh) said: When a person has married he has indeed perfected half of his religion. Then let him be careful of the remaining half (Tirmidhi) </li></ul>
  7. 7. The Ideal Spouse <ul><li>A believer should marry only a believer. Marriage with a non-believer is not allowed in Islam. </li></ul><ul><li>Do not marry unbelieving women (idolaters), until they believe: A slave woman who believes is better than an unbelieving woman, even though she allures you. Nor marry (your girls) to unbelievers until they believe: A man slave who believes is better than an unbeliever, even though he allures you. (Holy Quran – 2:221) </li></ul><ul><li>The Quran warns that if we wish to seek a pure and chaste mate, we should also be pure and chaste in conduct. </li></ul><ul><li>Women impure are for men impure, and men impure for women impure, and women of purity are for men of purity, and men of purity are for women of purity (Holy Quran – 24:26) </li></ul>
  8. 8. The Ideal Spouse <ul><li>Abu Hurairah related that the Prophet (pbuh) said: A woman is married for four things; her property, her accomplishments, her beauty, and her religion. Select one having religious temperament (Bukhari, Muslim) </li></ul><ul><li>Abu Hurairah reported that the Prophet (pbuh) said: When you are sought in marriage by one with whom you are pleased for his religion and for his character, get yourself married to him (Tirmidhi) </li></ul>
  9. 9. No Clandestine Marriages <ul><li>Marriage in Islam cannot be performed in privacy. It is to be performed in public before at least two witnesses. This shuts the doors of all private schemes and secret dealings and makes marriage a very explicit and stable institution. </li></ul><ul><li>Abdullah ibn Abbas reported that the Prophet (pbuh) said: The fornicators are those who marry by themselves without witnesses (Tirmidhi) </li></ul>
  10. 10. The Marriage Sermon <ul><li>This is the ritual that solemnizes the marriage in Islam. It consists of some verses from the Quran stating the duties and obligations of spouses. It also consists of praises and gratitude to Allah and invocation of the Prophet (pbuh). </li></ul><ul><li>Abu Hurairah reported that the Prophet (pbuh) said: Every marriage wherein there is no Tashahhud (bearing witness to the unity of Allah and Prophethood of Muhammad (pbuh) is like a hand cut off. (Tirmidhi) </li></ul><ul><li>Abu Hurairah narrated that the Prophet (pbuh) said: Every serious affair which is not performed with the praise of Allah is cut off (from Allah’s blessings). (Ibn Majah) </li></ul>
  11. 11. Stop Dowry, Give Mahr <ul><li>When a man proposes marriage to a woman he has to offer her a certain amount of dower or bridal-gift ( mahr ). This is one of the essential pre-requisites of marriage. In many societies, the father of the girl has to give money to a man in order to marry his daughter. Islamic laws favour the women and do not permit this practice. </li></ul><ul><li>O Prophet! Surely we have made lawful to you your wives whom you have given their dowers. (Holy Quran – 33:50) </li></ul><ul><li>And give the women (on marriage) their dower as a free gift (Holy Quran – 4:4) </li></ul><ul><li>And there will be no blame on you if ye marry them on payment of their dower to them. (Holy Quran – 60:10) </li></ul>
  12. 12. Stop Dowry, Give Mahr <ul><li>Uqbah ibn ‘Amer reported that the Prophet (pbuh) said: The most equitable of the conditions of marriage is that you should fulfill that condition (dower) with which you have made your wives lawful to you. (Bukhari, Muslim) </li></ul><ul><li>It is very essential that the dower be in accordance with the bridegroom’s position and also that of the bride in the society. </li></ul><ul><li>Bestow on them (a suitable gift), the wealthy according to his means, and the poor according to his means. (Holy Quran – 2:236) </li></ul>
  13. 13. Stop Dowry, Give Mahr <ul><li>Once the dower is paid, it becomes the personal property of the wife. The husband is not allowed to take it back under any circumstances. </li></ul><ul><li>But if ye decide to take one wife in place of another, even if ye had given the latter a whole treasure for dower, take not the least bit of it back: Would ye take it by slander and manifest wrong? (Holy Quran – 4:20) </li></ul>
  14. 14. The Marriage feast ( Walimah ) <ul><li>This is the feast that the bridegroom offers after marriage. It is a recommended practice and also a Sunnah of the Prophet. It is a factor that adds to the festivity and the proclamation of marriage. </li></ul><ul><li>Abu Hurairah reported that the Prophet (pbuh): The worst type of Walimah is that where the rich are invited and the poor are left out. Whoever does not attend the feast of Walimah (without a genuine reason) disobeys Allah and His Prophet. (Bukhari, Muslim) </li></ul>
  15. 15. Same Rights, Different Responsibilities <ul><li>There is a basic difference in the Islamic concept of equality of men and women as opposed to the Western concept. Islam gives them the same basic HUMAN RIGHTS, but not the same RESPONSIBILITIES. Islam assigns two different sets of responsibilities to men and women. The primary duty of men is to earn the livelihood of their families while the main task of women is to manage their homes. </li></ul><ul><li>And women shall have rights similar to the rights against them, according to what is equitable; but men have a degree (of advantage) over them. And Allah is Exalted in Power, Wise. (Holy Quran – 2:228) </li></ul><ul><li>To men is allotted what they earn, and to women what they earn: But ask Allah of His bounty. For Allah hath full knowledge of all things. (Holy Quran – 4:32) </li></ul>
  16. 16. Summary of Spousal Responsibilities <ul><li>Husband’s </li></ul><ul><li>The main duty of a husband is Qawam, w hich implies: </li></ul><ul><li>Financial caretaker </li></ul><ul><li>Head of the family </li></ul><ul><ul><li>(does not mean absolute authority) </li></ul></ul><ul><li>Wife’s </li></ul><ul><li>The main duty of a wife is being a shepherd of the house, which implies: </li></ul><ul><li>Invites people with husband’s permission </li></ul><ul><li>Being a director and manager of the house </li></ul>
  17. 17. The ideal husband <ul><li>Abu Hurairah related that the Prophet (pbuh) said: The most perfect of believers in the matter of faith, are those who behavior is best; and the best of you are those who behave best towards their wives. (Tirmidhi) </li></ul><ul><li>Aishah reported that the Prophet (pbuh) said: The best of you is he who is best to his family, and I am the best among you to my family. (Ibn Majah, Tirmidhi) </li></ul>
  18. 18. Taking care of wife’s basic needs <ul><li>It is the duty of a husband to provide all the basic needs for his wife and children. If he fails to do so, he disobeys Allah. The wife is not required to be the earning member of a Muslim family although, she is allowed to work with her husbands permission. </li></ul><ul><li>Men are the protectors and maintainers of women, because Allah has given the one more (strength) than the other, and because they support them from their means. (Holy Quran – 4:34) </li></ul>
  19. 19. Benevolence towards wife <ul><li>It is impossible for a man to find a woman who is perfect in every aspect of her life. The Quran commands the husband to overlook her weaknesses and to treat her with kindness and compassion. </li></ul><ul><li>Live with them on a footing of kindness and equity. If ye take a dislike to them it may be that ye dislike a thing, and Allah brings about through it a great deal of good. (Holy Quran – 4:19) </li></ul>
  20. 20. Don't loathe your wife <ul><li>Abu Hurairah related that the Prophet (pbuh) said: Let no man entertain any bitterness against a Muslim woman. Should he dislike one quality in her, he would find another which is pleasing to him. (Muslim) </li></ul><ul><li>If ye take a dislike to them it may be that ye dislike a thing, and Allah brings about through it a great deal of good. (Holy Quran – 4:19) </li></ul>
  21. 21. Forgiveness of wife <ul><li>O ye who believe! Truly, among your wives and your children are (some that are) enemies to yourselves: so beware of them! But if ye forgive and overlook, and cover up (their faults), verily Allah is Oft-Forgiving, Most Merciful. (Holy Quran – 64:14) </li></ul><ul><li>In some cases the demands of wife and children may conflict with the commandments of Allah and it is in this context that the Quran calls them as enemies. But even in such cases the Quran commands to not only forgive such family members, but also cover their faults and weaknesses. </li></ul>
  22. 22. Equal rights for arbitration for women <ul><li>If a wife fears cruelty or desertion on her husband's part, there is no blame on them if they arrange an amicable settlement between themselves; and such settlement is best. (Holy Quran – 4:128) </li></ul>
  23. 23. Reward for pleasing wife <ul><li>Saad ibn Abi Waqqas related that the Prophet (pbuh) said: Whatever you might spend seeking thereby the pleasure of Allah, will have its reward, even that which you put in the mouth of your wife. (Bukhari, Muslim) </li></ul><ul><li>Citations from Hadith pending </li></ul>
  24. 24. Spend here, Earn in the Hereafter <ul><li>Abu Masud reported that the Prophet (pbuh) said: Whenever a Muslim spends something for his family for a reward from Allah, it is regarded as an act of charity on his part. (Bukhari, Muslim) </li></ul><ul><li>Saad ibn Abi Waqqas related that the Prophet (pbuh) said: Whatever you might spend seeking thereby the pleasure of Allah, will have its reward, even that which you put in the mouth of your wife. (Bukhari, Muslim) </li></ul><ul><li>The above Hadith teach that men should treat their wives not only with kindness and compassion but also with generosity. </li></ul>
  25. 25. Man’s Greatest Treasure <ul><li>One of the best treasures of a believer is a virtuous wife according to some Hadith. </li></ul><ul><li>Ibn Abbas reported that the Prophet (pbuh) said: Shall I not inform you about the best treasure which a man should hoard? It is a virtuous wife who pleases him whenever he looks at her, and who obeys him when he orders her, and who guards herself when he is absent from her. (Abu Daud) </li></ul><ul><li>Thoban narrated that someone asked the Prophet (pbuh): What is the best thing that a man could acquire? He answered: The best thing is a tongue engaged in the remembrance (Zikr) of Allah, a grateful heart, and a believing wife who helps him in his faith. (Ahmed, Ibn Majah, Tirmidhi) </li></ul>
  26. 26. The Ideal Wife <ul><li>Abu Omamah related that the Prophet (pbuh) said: Next to fear of Allah, the believer finds nothing better than a virtuous wife. If he bids her, she obeys him; if he looks at her, she pleases him; if he takes a promise from her, she fulfills it; and if he is absent, she guards her conduct and his property. (Ibn Majah) </li></ul><ul><li>Abu Hurairah narrated that the Prophet (pbuh) was asked: Who amongst women is the best? He replied: She who gives pleasure to her husband when he looks at her, obeys him when he bids her, and does not betray him regarding herself and his wealth fearing his displeasure. (Nasai) </li></ul>
  27. 27. Reward for pleasing husband <ul><li>Umme Salmah reported that the Prophet (pbuh) said: A wife who dies while her husband is pleased with her, will enter Paradise. (Tirmidhi) </li></ul><ul><li>Anas ibn Malik narrated that the Prophet (pbuh) said: When a woman offers her five daily prayers, fasts during Ramadhan, guards her chastity, and obeys her husband, she may enter Paradise by whichever door she likes. (Abu Noaim in Hilya) </li></ul>
  28. 28. Family obligations of spouses <ul><li>The cardinal responsibility of a husband and wife towards each other and towards their children is to help one another in living a righteous life. </li></ul><ul><li>O ye who believe! Save yourselves and your families from a Fire whose fuel is Men and Stones? (Holy Quran – 66:6) </li></ul><ul><li>Each one of you is like a shepherd and would be questioned about those given under his care. The leader is responsible for the community. The husband is responsible for his family and the wife is responsible for the husband’s home and children. (Bukhari, Muslim) </li></ul><ul><li>Thus, marriage in Islam is not based just on physical attraction of two sexes or the material obligation of the spouses. It calls, rather for a total commitment of the spouses to share and meet the physical, material as well as the spiritual needs of the partner. </li></ul>
  29. 29. Relations with in-laws <ul><ul><li>In Islam, a marriage essentially means the coming together of two individuals, eventually leading to the coming together of two families or even tribes, followed by the expansion of mutual relationships, namely the respective &quot;in-law&quot; relationships. </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>And it is He, Who created man from water: then from him he caused two kinds of kindred, by blood and by marriage. (Holy Quran – 25:54) </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>When either one in the couple commits or even suggests disrespect and harassment towards his/her in-laws, it is the duty of the other to give sincere advice, to remind him/her of the last day and the consequences of these seemingly minor actions . This in fact is the sign of a healthy relationship. </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>&quot;Allah enjoins justice, generosity and kind treatment with kindred.&quot; (Holy Quran – 16:90) </li></ul></ul>
  30. 30. Relations with in-laws <ul><ul><li>The in-law relations may not hold as much importance to a wife or husband, but think about the fact that those very same in-laws will be the grand parents, uncles and aunts of your children, and their children in turn will be related to you. </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>Besides, if you truly love your spouse and are sincere, you will know exactly how to love all that belongs to your spouse and you will in turn sincerely love all that your spouse loves, in-laws inclusive. </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>The best example of this is the Prophet (pbuh) whose sincere love for his beloved wife Khadijah (RA) was proven by the fact that he would send a generous portion of the sacrifice to her family and friends, long after her demise, even though he was married to other women as well, whom he loved just as much. </li></ul></ul>
  31. 31. Handle with CARE <ul><li>&quot; Blood is thicker than water &quot;- this statement may have no scientific basis to it, but in the world of reality it holds much wisdom. The ties of blood can never be altered, but the ties of marriage, the bond between husband and wife and even the in-laws, is like water. They can break down just as easily as they were brought together in this world IF NOT MANAGED PROPERLY . </li></ul>
  32. 32. The Golden Rule <ul><ul><li>Remember, we shouldn't forget a basic saying, </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>&quot; Do unto others as you have them do unto you &quot;. </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>If you sincerely wish to witness your spouse's love and respect for your parents, then you need to be an example first. </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>Check to see how much of a loving and respectful relationship you have with your in-laws and you'll be able to answer a lot of questions that may have been puzzling you. Try it… </li></ul></ul>
  33. 33. Desire for righteous children <ul><li>Parents should always desire and pray to Allah to grant them children who are virtuous, moral, upright and true Muslims. This was the prayer of Zachariah in return for which Allah granted him a son like Prophet Yahya (John) </li></ul><ul><li>Who will inherit me and inherit from the family of Jacob. And make him, my Lord, pleasing (to You). (Holy Quran – 19:6 ) </li></ul>
  34. 34. Moral Training – Quranic Glimpses <ul><li>Following verses illustrate how the Prophets inculcated a fear of Allah in their children and imparted moral education to them </li></ul><ul><li>And (mention, O Muhammad), when Luqman said to his son while he was instructing him, “O my son, do not associate (anything with Allah). Indeed association (with Him) is great injustice”. (Holy Quran – 31:13) </li></ul><ul><li>O my son, establish prayer, enjoin what is right, forbid what is wrong, and be patient over what befalls you. (Holy Quran – 31:17) </li></ul><ul><li>And do not turn your cheek (in contempt) towards people and do not walk through the earth exultantly. Indeed, Allah does not like everyone self deluded and boastful. (Holy Quran – 31:18) </li></ul><ul><li> And be moderate in your pace and lower your voice; indeed, the most disagreeable of sounds is the voice of donkeys. (Holy Quran – 31:19) </li></ul>
  35. 35. Moral Training – Glimpses from Hadith <ul><li>Abdullah bin Abdul Asad relates, “When I was a child under the guardianship of the Prophet (pbuh), I used to run my hand inside the bowl when eating.” He said to me, “O boy, take the name of Allah, the Almighty and eat with your right hand, and from the stuff which is in front of you.” (Bukhari, Muslim) </li></ul><ul><li>Abi Suraiyah Sabrah Ibn Ma’abad AL-Juhni relates that the Prophet (pbuh) said: When your children reach the age of seven years, teach them Salat and chastise them in respect of any fault in this behalf, when they are ten years old, and let them sleep in separate beds. (Abu Daud) </li></ul>
  36. 36. Moral training – The Domino Effect <ul><li>A healthy and Islamic rearing translates into children remaining obedient and God-fearing throughout their life thereby ensuring their true success. </li></ul><ul><li>And when (his son) was old enough to walk with him, (Abraham) said: O my dear son, I have seen in a dream that I must sacrifice thee. So look, what thinkest thou? He said: O my father! Do that which thou art commanded. Allah willing, thou shalt find me of the steadfast. (Holy Quran 37:102) </li></ul><ul><li>Or were ye present when death came to Jacob, when he said unto his sons: What will ye worship after me? They said: We shall worship thy God, the God of thy fathers, Abraham and Ishmael and Isaac, One God, and unto Him we have surrendered. (Holy Quran – 2:133) </li></ul>
  37. 37. Divorce – Only as a LAST RESORT <ul><li>Abdullah ibn Umar related that the Prophet (pbuh) said: The most detestable of lawful things to Allah is divorce (Abu Daud) </li></ul><ul><li>Mu’az ibn Jabal reported that the Prophet (pbuh) saud: O Mu’az! Allah created nothing on the face of the earth more pleasing to Him than the emancipation of slaves and Allah creating nothing on the face of the earth more displeasing to Him than the act of divorce. (Daraqutni) </li></ul><ul><li>Islam is the religion of nature. It therefore gives the spouses the permission to end their marriage by divorce in case uncompromising differences arise between them . Nevertheless, it takes the most humane and natural approach in such a scenario. </li></ul><ul><li>And if you fear a breach between the two, then appoint a judge from his people and a judge from her people; If they both (spouses) desire agreement, Allah will put harmony between them. (Holy Quran – 4:65) </li></ul>
  38. 38. Divorce, but don’t Torment <ul><li>The proclamation of divorce according to the Quran, is to be made before at least two witnesses in order to ensure the rights of women </li></ul><ul><li>And call two upright witnesses from among you, and give upright testimony for Allah. (Holy Quran – 65:2) </li></ul><ul><li>Divorce should not end in bitterness, hatred and animosity, a practice which is so rampant today. In fact, husbands should let their wives go with grace and kindness and consideration. </li></ul><ul><li>When you divorce women, and they fulfill the term of their (waiting), either take them on equitable terms or set them free on equitable terms. (Holy Quran – 2:232) </li></ul>
  39. 39. Divorce, but don’t Persecute <ul><li>The husband is not permitted to take back the dower ( mahr ) under any circumstances if he divorces her. </li></ul><ul><li>But if ye decide to take one wife in place of another, even if ye had given the latter a whole treasure for dower, take not the least bit of it back: Would ye take it by slander and manifest wrong? (Holy Quran – 4:20) </li></ul><ul><li>If a divorced women desires to marry another man (after her waiting period) it is absolutely unjust for her former (divorced) husband to prevent her from doing so or putting obstacles in her path as is the current practice . </li></ul><ul><li>When you divorce women, and they fulfill their term (of waiting), do not prevent them from marrying their (future husbands), if they mutually agree on equitable terms. (Holy Quran – 2:232) </li></ul>
  40. 40. Conclusion <ul><li>Marriage and family are sacred and building blocks of any productive society. </li></ul><ul><li>Our marital relationship affects the lives of our children and relatives. </li></ul><ul><li>Consideration of right criteria for choosing spouse and acquiring premarital counseling leads to healthier matrimonial life Complaints only make lives difficult – understanding each others role helps. </li></ul><ul><li>Taqwa, mutual respect, accommodation, and patience are keys. </li></ul><ul><li>Seek help of family, friend or a councilor for conflict resolution than ruin your life. </li></ul><ul><li>Be open but respectful when discuss your disagreements. </li></ul><ul><li>Successful family life is a blessing – thank Allah and your spouse for that. </li></ul>
  41. 41. For any further queries….. <ul><li>Salahuddin </li></ul><ul><li>[email_address] </li></ul>

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