The document criticizes and mocks common gifts given by companies to employees such as branded polo shirts, paperweights, mugs, gift cards with small amounts, calendars, cheap pens, laser pointers, frisbees, stress balls, personalized sticky notes, and mousepads. It argues that most recipients do not want or need these promotional items and sees them as cheap and useless gifts.

2. 11 The Branded Polo Shirt Polos are an iffy piece of clothing to begin with (Are you dressy or casual? Make up your mind!) Beyond a confused disposition, most corporate polos do not fit. Tolerance is an important virtue, but that doesn't mean that the tiny sales girl and 300 pound man in accounting wear the same size.

3. 10 The Paperweight Do not give someone a paperweight unless you want them to A) Look like a pretentious numnuts or B) Agonize about how to re-gift a present that everyone hates. Sidenote: What is the use of "weighing down paper". Most offices are inside , correct?

4. 9 Company Mugs Have you ever met a person who really wanted a mug with a company logo? Me either.

5. 8 Gift Cards With Embarrassingly Small Amounts of Money On Them "$5! Thank you so much" (what comes out of my mouth versus what I'm actually thinking): HOW DO YOU LIVE WITH YOURSELF YOU CHEAP BASTARD! THAT ROLEX ON YOUR ARM IS WORTH 10,000 OF THESE! YOU COULDN'T HAVE SPRUNG FOR $10? REALLY? I feel better.

6. 7 Calendar Thank you so much for this calendar with your company's logo on it. How would I ever organize myself or know what day it was without your help?

7. 6 Cheap Pens Why do people insist on giving cheap pens, that inevitably break within 2 days, as corporate gifts? Oh yeah, they're cheap. And they also get thrown away faster than rotting meat.

8. 5 Laser Pointers I had one of these once, like everybody else, and then I threw it away. Hey laser pointer, hang out with your friends Tomagachi, POGS, and slap bracelets in fad-land.

9. 4 Frisbee One of the most insulting gifts to receive, especially if you are a white male who is out of college. It's the gift that calls you a Dave Matthews fan, a beer guzzling slacker, a pot head, and a dead beat. The gift that just keeps on giving.

10. 3 Stress Balls Quite possibly the most ironic of corporate gifts, as the giver is usually the source of the majority of the recipients' stress Slightly condescending as well: "I know I've created stress in your life, but just squeeze this ball. I won't be any easier to deal with, but you'll have something to take your frustration out on besides your friends and family."

11. 2 Personalized Sticky Notes Have you heard of post-its? They are just like what you are giving me, minus the gimmick and $10 cheaper. It may be flattering that you think I'm like Einstein, but would Einstein ever use branded sticky notes?

12. 1 Mousepads Not only does everyone already have a mousepad, but no one is in a market for a new one. Giving a mousepad to a computer user is like giving a steering wheel to a car owner. What am I supposed to do with this?

13. www.NutsOnClark.com