Gentlemen Only Ladies Forbidden. Gold comedy w/ 2.5 in place. Looking for shortfall partner.

1. G O L F
"Gentlemen Only - Ladies Forbidden"
The Invincible Tale of the Great Mighty Puddy
Written
by
David Michael O'Neill
Property of: David M. O'Neill
3500 West Olive Blvd. Suite # 300
Burbank, CA 91505
Phone: (702) 327-3199
David.ONeill@carolinafilms.com
www.carolinafilms.com WGA

3. FADE IN:
EXT. SCOTLAND’S NORTHERN HIGHLANDS - DAY
Eerie, robust, distant Scottish bagpipes sweep faithfully
across green, soggy and long natural fairways.
SCREEN READS
NORTHERN HIGHLANDS SCOTLAND 1152
CREDITS BEGIN:
EXT. HIGHLAND VISTA - DAY
A burly rugged Scotsman, FITZGERALD MCKENZIE MCFADDEN (50’S),
strides powerfully cresting over a Highland Vista.
COUSIN MCFADDEN
(laughing hysterically)
Those dainty Stoatin’ Tatties be
chitterin’ and poken’ deep in the
Loch’s to find us now! Ay?
Along side McKenzie appear three more bulky SCOTTISH
COUNTRYMEN (50’s). COUSIN MCFINN (40’S) MUSSLEBURGH (50’S)
and QUIQLEY (50’S) out breath, nod and share a look - all
laughing but McFinn.
COUSIN MCFINN
If the wenches be catchin’ us today
good Cousin McFadden, it’ll be a
fast punch up the kilts with bare
knuckled fists yankin’ tough on the
curly’s!
Thunder cracks and pounds and overhead!! The men look up.
COUSIN MCFADDEN
(cowers - soto)
Ay... The wenches be summonin’ the
“Curse of McTiernan.”
INT. ROCK AND MUD HUT - DAY
Cousin McFinn, eyes fixed toward swirling fog stands door-
side. A sign over the door and McFinn reads: “GENTLEMEN ONLY
LADIES FORBIDDEN.”
COUSIN MCFINN
Don’t like it... not a bit...
McFadden, Quigley and Mussleburgh drunk sit at a small table.

4. 2.
COUSIN MCFADDEN
Cousin McFinn... I be ashamed to be
related. Show some backbone to the
good name of the clan will ya’?
A cold north wind from the surrounding vale blows, whistles
and warns. The Men hunker down yet shiver.
COUSIN MCFADDEN (CONT’D)
Viking bastards turning me Gallic
whisker’d twins into a small gunny-
sacs of river pebbles.
Quigley hands McFadden a Deerskin Parchment.
QUIGLEY
This’ll warm ya’ frozen bar-ni-
acles!
On it “Three Sexy Bearskin Viking Girls” lie sprawled about
on a Danish Viking vessel surrounding the great King Canute.
COUSIN MCFADDEN
(breathless))
Ah, I be puttin’ her “Vahalla
McTwissel” right straight into the
Bruce’s spank-bank so help me!
Heavy war drums suddenly pound like Indian thunder.
EXT. NORTHERN HIGHLANDS - DAY
The FOUR HEAVY WIVES (40-50’s) pummel the warpath with fierce
vengeance towards the mud-rock hut.
INT. ROCK AND MUD HUT - DAY
McFinn’s eyes pierce the fog. From a distance, GHOSTLIKE
FIGURES gradually break through the swirling mists.
COUSIN MCFINN
The Grim Reaper’s Dark Mistresses!
Damn you McFadden!!
The Men gather their hand weapons and anxiously approach the
window.
COUSIN MCFADDEN
They couldn’t have just left us
alone today now could they?

5. 3.
EXT. WOODS - DAY
On the move like deer the Men hurriedly race through a wooded
thicket.
COUSIN MCFADDEN
(screaming)
Weapons ready!
EXT. HIGHLAND RIDGE LINE - DAY
The wives pursue and come at us straight ahead like the
hungry Armies of William Wallace.
MAIDEN MCFADDEN
I’ll quarter each one of them!
EXT. HIGHLAND FAIRWAY - DAY
Out of wind and breath, McFadden and the others share looks
absorbing the inevitable.
COUSIN MCFINN
The Irish and Vikings I can take
but a showdown with the Hags!? If
we ever get out of this, I’m going
to getcha’ cousin McFadden!!
COUSIN MCFADDEN
Yeah, if we do, then you can have
at me, Cousin! But for now we be
fighting them!
The Wives make their way towards their husbands with clinched
clubs in tightened fists.
MUSSLEBURGH
They look mad, McKenzie!
The men sober.
COUSIN MCFADDEN
Quick! Find what you can. We gotta’
hold back their advance! Tee-it off
toward the wenches at 100 meters..!
The Men quickly scramble for rocks, dirt clods, pine cones,
sheep dung, anything that can fly.
They Tee Up their dung - wives at 100 yards.
COUSIN MCFADDEN (CONT’D)
Unscabbard your irons men!! Swing
for the Highlands!

6. 4.
Using iron swords like golf clubs, they begin swinging at all
they can find i.e., dung, rocks, dirt-clods!
McFadden, frustrated, steps forward and shakes his fists in
Scottish rage.
COUSIN MCFADDEN (CONT’D)
It was just a place to call our own
Mrs. McFadden. Gentlemen Only,
Ladies Forbidden if you had to
know!! Without you and your fat
lady Maiden Hags overtaken for once
in our very short lives!!
MAIDEN MCFADDEN
Leaving us outside to feast on the
chewy sod Mr. McFadden? Tending the
sheep and the children alone? While
you be hiden’ out and drinking up?
This was your last mistake husband!
MAIDEN MCFINN
And you too Husband!
COUSIN MCFINN
He made me!
MAIDEN MCFADDEN
ETERNITY with the Curse of
McTiernan and all the rest of ya’
hidin’ hooligans!
COUSIN MCFADDEN
Your Druid curses mean nothing to
us!! (trailing off) Kind of...
Maiden McFadden finds a pouch of magic dust and throws it in
the air.
MAIDEN MCFADDEN
You be wandering around forever-
CURSED in search of an ancestor to
set you free!! GOOD LUCK!!
The Maidens hackle and dance but then turn to their husbands.
Both sides raise their clubs and swords. The Women charge and
the men toss down their weapons and run for the cover of the
forest.
ALL
Aaaaahhhhhhhhhhhrrrgggggg!!!
CREDITS END:

7. 5.
EXT. DUSTY BROWN WINDSTORM - DAY
Brown hot whipping dust engulfs the screen.
SCREEN READS
CURRENT DAY - LAS VEGAS NEVADA
Through burning furnace winds a swinging sign reads:
MCFADDEN’S FUN TIME MINIATURE LINKS
EXT. MCFADDEN’S MINIATURE GOLF COURSE - DAY
We see a worn out entrance of a home-made Miniature Golf
Park. An abandoned ghost-like auto-shop sits across a broken
down and distressed Landlord Trailer.
Torn up miniature links sprawl the property.
An eight inch desert Bark Scorpion crawls over the beaten up
tennis shoe of a sleeping man who sits in a lounge chair.
We pan up to see the keeper of the links who wears tight
yellow dolphin shorts, dirty white socks, and a stained wife-
beater that reads “All the Steak You Can Eat!!”
An old radio sits by playing Golf updates and news.
GOLF NEWS
And in the British Open today...
Heir to the Scottish Forefather of GOLF itself is THE GREAT
AND MIGHTY PUDDY MAC MCFADDEN. (53)
Puddy is a handsome man but one weathered by defeat and
disappointment.
PUDDY
(dreaming - moaning)
I think I’ll just use the 8 iron
and avoid that dogleg all-together.
A PIT BULL named SANDY (6) sleeps over on the landlord’s
trailer porch. Dust blares from her nostrils with every
breath.
The dog looks up at Puddy, checks on him, then shuts his eyes
again.
PUDDY (CONT’D)
Tiger, of course you can carry my
clubs...

8. 6.
EXT. ADJACENT STREET - DAY
FOUR NEIGHBORHOOD GANG MEMBERS, PABLO (13), TYRONE-TYRONE
(14) GANG MEMBER # 3 (15), GANG MEMBER # 4 (13) circle around
the gate post.
PABLO
(whispers - laughing)
Check it out, Puddy is giving Tiger
lessons again.
The boys each carry with them lethal rocket slingshots.
TYRONE-TYRONE
He’s dreaming he’s in the PGN. The
“Puddy Going Nowhere Classic!”
EXT. MCFADDEN’S MINIATURE GOLF COURSE - DAY
Puddy dreams soundly. The Gang-Bangers position then launch.
Suddenly a hail of rocks fall from the sky like a cracked and
open thundercloud.
Puddy dreams unsuspecting. Suddenly a Debris Bombardment
pelts the grounds of Puddy’s comfortable lounge chair!!
PUDDY
Hey..
EXT. THE STREET - DAY
The Boys then fully pull back a larger elastic launch.
PABLO
Don’t you hate it when you just
keep waking up? It’s your Groundhog
Day nightmare, Senor Putt Putt!
EXT. MCFADDEN’S MINIATURE GOLF COURSE - DAY
A high-velocity dirt clod pelts Puddy’s chest. SMACK!! He
falls back in his chair head over heals. His beer spills all
over his shirt and neck.
PUDDY
(waking)
Aggghhh...
Puddy spills from his chair and gets to his knees.
PUDDY (CONT’D)
I’m gonna’ crush your little inner-
city sculls in!!

9. 7.
Puddy makes his move. Striding over miniature fairways, he
trips hard over the 3rd Hole Wooden Cowboy.
PUDDY (CONT’D)
Arrrhg...
Puddy goes down!
The western cowboy motif crumbles down all around him. The
wooden Cowboy precariously straddles over the backside of our
hero - smiling. (Puddy can’t catch a break)
PABLO
Look out Senor Brokeback!
Puddy turns and sees the Cowboy sitting on him like a float
in the Pride Parade! Smiling and waving - pretty cozy.
PUDDY
(turns)
Get off me!!
Puddy throws off the Marlboro Man. The Boys tear off down the
street laughing!!
PABLO
See you later Puddy!
It gets quiet. Poor Puddy. His daydreams are not even immune.
PUDDY
(screams in their
direction)
Little bastards! Try to provide
after school activities and where
does it get me?
Puddy coughs out dust, makes his way to the outhouse.
INT. OUTHOUSE - DAY
Puddy reaches for a hidden medical mask and covers his nose
and face. He drops his pants, sits and takes in a long
breath.
PUDDY
They have no idea who they’re
dealing with...
Flies buzz about. Puddy reaches for a hidden magazine behind
the toilet seat.

10. 8.
Puddy unfolds a centerfold from an old GOLF DIGEST magazine.
His eyes widen. We see it’s actually a picture of Mac
McFadden in his wondrous and illustrious youth.
PUDDY (CONT’D)
Those were the days, hey Mac? They
couldn’t touch you then.
EXT. SIDEWALL - DAY
The Gang of Boys appear once more. This time with an arsenal
of illegal fireworks and rockets. Pablo takes aim.
PABLO
Hasta la Vista, McPuddy McFadden!
Tyrone-Tyrone lights the fuse. The rocket goes! We follow it
on it’s path heading directly for the Outhouse Air-vent. The
Boys turn and run.
INT. THE OUTHOUSE - DAY
Puddy hears the bottle-rocket whistle and go into the vent.
His eyes open wide like ping-pong balls.
PUDDY
Not that!
EXT. MINIATURE GOLF COURSE - DAY
The outhouse goes up in a methane furnace explosion!!
KABOOM!!
PUDDY
Ahhh!
Torn sheet-metal crash all around him - fiery piece by piece.
Puddy stands smoldering over his potty throne. Shorts down,
sheet metal peeled back around him.
PUDDY (CONT’D)
God, that hurts.
He clutches the burning remains of the only fond memory he
may have had left - the magazine cover and article. It burns
before his eyes.
PUDDY (CONT’D)
Don’t burn... Don’t... go.. please?
Last of his grip... ashes.

11. 9.
MELVIN (O.S.)
Is that you, Mac? Mac?
Puddy turns with his clothes burning and smelling like a
fiery sewer. The familiar voice stills all movements.
PUDDY
(beat)
There’s only one voice in the world
I hate that much.
Puddy looks over to see a slick looking slightly less than
confidant ex-manager MELVIN DEALER (age N/D).
PUDDY (CONT’D)
Melvin Dealer...
MELVIN
(little nervous)
Mac? McFadden?
Plenty of mileage between them. Puddy grins with a wide dirt-
smile.
PUDDY
How ya’ doing, Melvin? I have
nothing left for you to steal.
A wind picks up. The boat on the blocks behind Puddy catches
the slightest of breezes and begins to tilt. His dog PETE
sleeps beneath the boat.
Puddy whistles to the dog without missing a beat.
PUDDY (CONT’D)
Pete!
The old Dog get’s up and does just barely make it out from
beneath the tipping boat. CRASH!!
Puddy doesn’t flinch.
PUDDY (CONT’D)
(beat)
Living the dream, Melvin.
INT. MFFADDEN’S HALF HOME - HALF AUTO SHOP - DAY
Puddy enters and makes for a wash basin. On the nearby wall
we see a poster of a woman. She’s beautiful. An axe is wedged
directly between her forehead. BARBARA (40’S) ex-wife.
Melvin knocks on the door and steps in. Refers to the
familiar photo and ax.

12. 10.
MELVIN
Barb on the wall, huh? I like the
axe in the forehead. Nice touch.
PUDDY
As a reminder.
MELVIN
So this is all she left you, huh?
PUDDY
Not even this.
MELVIN
Venomous.
PUDDY
To the bone.
MELVIN
She at least give you visitation?
PUDDY
She keeps Andy away like I got head
lice, makes me the bad guy. I write
him but...
Melvin sees numerous engine blocks, old tires, oil pans and
torn couches.
MELVIN
“Early American Mechanic.” Like it.
PUDDY
What’s not to like? Unbearable heat
of the Mojave to the west, random
desert vipers, plundering
bloodthirsty Crips to the east.
Only thing missing is a Hummingbird
feeder.
Puddy gets himself undressed. He throws his clothes in the
garbage barrel and steps behind a half-chest shower wall.
PUDDY (CONT’D)
All the amenities.
He pulls a chain above. A small trickle of brown water comes
out - just enough to clean up. Puddy spits out sludge.
MELVIN
Where do you sleep in this place?

13. 11.
PUDDY
Over there on the couch. See the
rabid bats above in the rafters?
They don’t bother me too much. They
drop their guano on the left side.
Puddy refers to the couch and we see a tall pile of gray bat
guano.
PUDDY (CONT'D)
I sleep on the right. The only
thing that really irritates me
though are the dung beetles that
carry their filthy fragrant little
shit-balls back and forth across my
neck when I’m sleep. That’s why I
have no Adam’s apple. Most people
think I’m a woman now. Can’t sing
anymore, Melvin.
He throws on a dirty bathrobe on from the “Holiday Inn.”
Puddy steps out from the shower and towards Melvin.
MELVIN
(backs up)
Ah, don’t be like that. You know,
you know it’s always complicated.
PUDDY
Complicated, huh? I’ll show you
complicated!
Puddy makes a lunge for Melvin’s throat. He begins choking
him with a mechanic’s rag!
PUDDY (CONT’D)
You ruined me! You’ve ruined me,
Melvin! I was a somebody! A
somebody!
MELVIN
(gagging)
Mac?! You ruined us! After that
Gentlemen Only Ladies Forbidden
stunt at East Haven, our names were
poison! You know how much money
they lost? Nearly 3/4 quarters of
the female memberships! I couldn’t
get us a tournament! You nearly
brought sport of golf back to the
Dark Ages single-handedly! We were
Blacklisted!
Melvin’s eyes bulge. He can’t breathe. He gasps.

14. 12.
PUDDY
I was a Masters Champion! You
should have found another way!! You
could’ve spoken to Stonehouse!
MELVIN
(choking)
I tried but he wouldn’t see me. But
that’s why I’m here! Stonehouse! He
reached out! They called asking for
YOU!!
Puddy slows but still holds the rag tightly.
PUDDY
(beat)
What?
The phone rings.
MELVIN
Stonehouse. There’s a tournament.
He wants to talk! It’s preliminary
but...
Phone rings again. Puddy slows the choking.
PUDDY
Hold up. You stay where you are!
(picks up) Hello, McFadden’s Links
for... Oh, hi Sheryl. Sort of busy,
yeah... No, I don’t need to refer
to the... lease agreement.
Puddy cups the phone. He eagerly begins packing a bag.
PUDDY (CONT’D)
Your car out there on the street?
MELVIN
Yeah...
PUDDY
Give me your keys!
Melvin tosses Puddy his car keys.
PUDDY (CONT'D)
You want me, you got me Melvin.
Puddy turns away from Melvin and puts on a French foreign
accent.

15. 13.
PUDDY (CONT’D)
(French accent - sheepish)
Uh... jeune et attrayante petite
fille...
MELVIN
(whispers)
You speak French?
Puddy cups the phone again.
PUDDY
I learned it to pay the utilities
you freak!
Puddy resumes.
PUDDY (CONT’D)
“Cheri.” Déroulez les Scrappy
culottes bêt... l'wiggle de votre
vie!
Melvin stands frozen by the macabre scene - eyes wide open.
He looks out to the impending dust-swirling gauntlet.
PUDDY (CONT’D)
(cups the phone)
It’s going to get loud and that’s
when we’re making our break for it!
MELVIN
A break for it? We have to make a
break for it?
We then hear a long and loud high pitched scream-like-squeal
first from the phone then from the nearby trailer outside.
PUDDY
You’re in the green zone buddy.
It’s penetrating! A shock-wave punches through. The guys
cover their ears.
PUDDY (CONT’D)
This is it!
EXT. MINIATURE GOLF LINK- DAY
Puddy leads Melvin outside of his shack. Both take a look at
the trailer across the way.
PUDDY
Run like hell! If she catches you,
she’ll eat you!

16. 14.
They make a run for it past the miniature greens. From the
trailer we hear animal-like moans and groans, furniture
smashing.
PUDDY (CONT’D)
The car! Get to the car!!
The trailer door opens. A 500 pound SHERYL (40’s) steps
forward. She holds the phone and pouts. Her tight fishnets
bulge through like the fresh catch of the day.
She holds the phone in her tubby little hand.
SHERYL
Puddy Wuddy? Where you going?
Puddy and Melvin hit the gravel driveway running.
SHERYL (CONT’D)
Puddy? You coming back?
Puddy’s hand slowly reaches for the door-handle while keeping
his eyes on Sheryl.
PUDDY
Yeah, sure.. Like always... Little
Seven Eleven for some jerky.
Sheryl slowly bends down and reaches for her Pit Bull’s
collar.
SHERYL
Sure?
PUDDY
Uh, oh!
SHERYL
I wouldn’t like it if you didn’t
come back.
She then lets the Pit Bull off the chain.
SHERYL (CONT’D)
Sandy, get those ass-holes!
The dog bolts for our heroes.
PUDDY
Get in the car! GET IN THE CAR!!
Sandy the Pit Bull rushes the men and bounds furiously over
the links. Puddy fumbles with the keys.

17. 15.
MELVIN
We’re going to die! We’re gonna’
die!
The dog lunges across the fairways. Puddy just does get in
the car. The two men scramble and slam the doors. Slam! Slam!
INT. CAR - DAY
Puddy sits behind the wheel. Melvin hyperventilates.
PUDDY
You glad you came, Melvin? See what
you did to me?! Everyday is like
this! I aught to feed you to Sandy!
It grows quiet. Then BAMM! The Pit Bull suddenly slams
against Melvin’s window with curling, frothing teeth peeled
back and looking for steak.
MELVIN
AGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!
Puddy turns and looks - sees Sheryl about to break down and
cry.
PUDDY
Oh, God.. Not that... She’s going
sonic.
EXT. TRAILER - DAY
Sheryl opens her wide mouth and WE GO IN. She let’s out an
incredible Mr. Limpet sonar cry! AOUUHUUUOAAAN!!!!
Mankind and Nature itself hold frozen momentarily in Sheryl’s
sonic grip.
PUDDY
(Titanic)
This is it!!
EXT. MINIATURE GOLF COURSE - DAY
A shock wave expands out across the Par 3 Windmills.
INT. CAR - DAY
Puddy fights furiously to get the keys in the ignition.
Pop! The back windshield goes! The driver’s mirror explodes.
Puddy guns Melvin’s sedan and breaks free down the road
swerving off the gravel road.

18. 16.
EXT. TRAILER PORCH - DAY
Sheryl sits and crosses her legs. (not pretty) She blows her
whistle for the dog.
SHERYL
He’ll be back.
The Dog retreats and makes its way back to Sheryl. The Pit
Bull jumps up on her lap. Scratches Sandy’s ears.
SHERYL (CONT’D)
Puddy always comes back...
INT. CAR - DAY
210 Freeway. Puddy at the wheel - elevator music. Both are
calm and staring ahead.
PUDDY
(stares straight ahead)
You ever blow Bubbles as a kid?
MELVIN
All the time.
MELVIN (CONT’D)
(beat)
He called me. Wanted to tell ya’ he
was looking for you!
Puddy keeps his eyes forward.
MELVIN (CONT’D)
Don’t hit me...
Puddy’s hands fly from the wheel and swing to Melvin’s
throat. Car swerves dangerously from left to right.
EXT. GOLF DRIVING RANGE - NIGHT
Puddy pulls into parking. Golfers dash out of the way.
FAN # 1 (O.S.)
Asshole!!
PUDDY
(frustrated)
Eat me, grandma!
INT. DRIVING RANGE PARKING LOT - NIGHT
Melvin and Puddy get out of the car. Puddy reaches in and
gets the clubs out of the trunk.

19. 17.
MELVIN
East Haven’s coming in with a big
sponsor. They want to bring back
the old retired guys and make
heroes out of them.
PUDDY
Heroes? I don’t get it?
MELVIN
Viagra Invitational. Old guys, soft
puds... Do the math.
Puddy stops.
PUDDY
I’m as hard as a Russian sub!
MELVIN
Listen, Widow Maker, the purse is
five million dollars.
PUDDY
Cold pools, icy dips, whatever it
takes.
MELVIN
Thought so, Limpy.
EXT. TOWARDS THE DRIVING RANGE - NIGHT
Puddy and Melvin make their way towards the driving range.
MELVIN
You have to get in shape, take this
seriously.
PUDDY
I’m not going back to Miss
Fishnets.
MELVIN
One more thing.
PUDDY
What’s that?
MELVIN
Image.
PUDDY
Image? I got a great image! People
love me. Chicks dig me.

20. 18.
MELVIN
You’re a chauvinist pig Puddy! I
don’t have to remind you seventy
five percent of the female
membership left East Haven after
you tried to open up that stupid
“Gentlemen Only and Ladies
Forbidden” club in their lounge.
You cursed us both with that one.
Puddy’s eye catches a familiar face coming at him. It’s actor
CHRISTOPHER WALKIN (60’S) walking towards him with a couple
of buddies.
PUDDY
Oh, no... Shit! Walkin... Just keep
going, hopefully he won’t recognize
me. Ah, man...
MELVIN
Why?
Walkin approaches.
CHRISTOPHER WALKIN
Woa... woa.. Stop the presses. Is
that, Mac, McFadden? Here? Are you
in the flesh?
PUDDY
The flesh it is... Ah... You know
Melvin Dealer, Chris?
CHRISTOPHER WALKIN
Sure... Melvin, the mid-range
scavenger... you’ve gained a little
weight but you’re still a very
handsome man.
MELVIN
Thank you?
CHRISTOPHER WALKIN
Puddy, last I heard, you have your
own course now. You’re big. Every
golfers dream to have his own
course. I’m sure you designed it
yourself?
PUDDY
Co-owner. Well, we’re trying to get
a bucket in before the range shuts
down. Nice seeing you, Chris...

21. 19.
Puddy attempt to push past.
CHRISTOPHER WALKIN
(in confidence))
Pud, I have to tell you, after all
this time, Mac, I am in a much
better place. It was bad but better
now. I want to you to know that.
PUDDY
That’s great... Well, we’ll be
seeing you...
CHRISTOPHER WALKIN
I mean if you really think about
it, smacking a 90 year old Catholic
Bishop with a five iron in the side
of his head because someone greased
my clubs with WD-40... Now, that’ll
tickle ya’ in a lot ways...
PUDDY
I wasn’t laughing Chris.
CHRISTOPHER WALKIN
Swinging that greased club,
thinking I had a real grip was like
eating a banana from a toilet with
a blind-fold on, I mean you can
flush, but you never know quite
what’s going down.
PUDDY
I swear to God.
CHRISTOPHER WALKIN
And who could have guessed the
charity money raised would all go
to the lawsuit and to the man’s
burial? Now that’s a twist.
Funny... Mac! Dangerous! But funny.
(In confidence) Please.. I’d stay
off the circuit Puddy. It’s like a
curse, that stuff has a way of
coming back and boomeranging on
you!
Walkin moves on by. Puddy’s past cannot be escaped.
PUDDY
(frustrated)
Have some cow bell.

22. 20.
EXT. DRIVING RANGE - SECOND TIER - NIGHT
Puddy places his first ball on the rubber tee. Melvin paces
behind him.
MELVIN
C’mon now Mac... Focus.
Puddy takes a swing and shanks hard left. Weeeeiiishhhh -
hard shank!!
PUDDY
(nervous- preoccupied)
See what you’re doing to me?
Quiet!
MELVIN
Yeah, I’m the curse...
WHAM! Another ball takes a wicked flight skyward and tears
towards a nearby light-pole. BAM! Shards of glass rain below.
MELVIN (CONT’D)
Nice shot you Shankaphile! Forget
what a driver is for? Did you hear
what I said?
PUDDY
Can I golf in peace here!
Puddy hits another ball and shanks far right. A windshield
smashes. Car alarm blares.
EXT. STREET - NIGHT
A golf ball hits an OLD MAN walking with his wife in the back
of the head. He falls to his knees and drops with a THUD!
INT. BEDROOM - NIGHT
A MAN and WOMAN make love. A FOURTH ball rips through the
window, and sticks in the man’s cheeks. He stiffens up like
an ironing board to the delight of his lover.
WOMAN
Oh, Dennis!
EXT. DRIVING RANGE - SECOND TIER - NIGHT
Puddy takes another wild stroke... He clips it and the ball
ricochets against the cement divider wall.
The ball viciously ping pongs inside the stall then escapes
and flies by Melvin’s head. The boys dance out of the way.

23. 21.
PUDDY
Look out!
EXT. GOLF CAFE - NIGHT
The ball slams across two tables knocking over scalding
coffee onto the laps of the ELDERLY.
SENIOR MAN
Hit the deck, Helen. Some bastard’s
lettin’ lose up there in the
driving range!
EXT. DRIVING RANGE - SECOND TIER - NIGHT
Puddy stands horrified. His game is gone.
PUDDY
(terrified)
Oh, God... I’ve lost it, Melvin. My
game. It’s gone away. I got
nothin’! I’ve been on the miniature
links too long.
INT. HAWAWAIIAN TONGA HUT BAR - NIGHT
Puddy and Melvin sit next to a small stage. The restaurant is
overly decorated in schmaltz-Hawaiian along with Hawaiian
elevator muzac.
Both Puddy and Melvin wear Hawaiian flowered leas. Puddy
looks defeated. No answers, absolutely lost, pathetic.
PUDDY
(beat)
I’m condemned to the dessert life.
Bloods, Crips, summer monsoons,
desert vipers... Sheryl.
A Sexy beautiful WAITRESS (20’S) approaches the table.
SEXY WAITRESS
Can I get you guys something?
PUDDY
How about a straight shot of “it’s
over?”
Puddy lifts his eyes. Her unapproachable beauty and youth is
a lifetime ago for the one-time, Lothario.
PUDDY (CONT’D)
My God, you’re beautiful. How old
are you?

24. 22.
SEXY WAITRESS
Twenty-one.. Go to UCLA... Parents
are in town for the sorority
jamboree.
PUDDY
Sorority, jam-bo... What’s your
name?
WAITRESS
Kiki.
Puddy sighs.
PUDDY
“Kiki” in the “Tiki” lounge.
SEXY WAITRESS
I think because my name rhymed it
help me get the job.
Kiki giggles. Puddy oddly giggles.
PUDDY
(sadly smitten)
See that? See how she said that,
Melvin? Said it just like... that
was funny.
MELVIN
A Perrier with an umbrella.
PUDDY
Make that a tall bottle of mineral
water. Thanks.
Waitress walks away.
PUDDY (CONT’D)
See what I mean? Chicks dig me.
MELVIN
Fleas and ticks dig you. Chicks
hate you. Don’t embarrass yourself
we have work to do.
PUDDY
(sighs)
When did middle age set in? Huh?
MELVIN
About thirteen years ago.

25. 23.
PUDDY
So you got me out here, I’ve just
shown I can’t hit a ball, so now
what?
INT. DRESSING ROOM - NIGHT
A small cramped room. A beautiful WOMAN (30’s) with dark hair
and bright eyes, stage name MIALANI (real name, Annie
Brewsinksi) one more time puts on the degrading Hawaiian Hula
Skirt and preps her show. She places a lei over her head.
The furthest thing from a Pacific Islander but a gig is a
gig, is a gig, is a gig. The dressing room sea shell phone
rings.
MIALANI
(very concerned)
Brock? Hi, baby... I’m just about
ready to go on. I’m trying to work
it out with the Judge. I need
permission from her. You getting
your homework done?
A DANCER comes in and gives Mialani the signal “2 minutes.”
Annie places her wig on - adjusts.
MIALANI (CONT’D)
I’ve got to go sweetheart... Maybe
this weekend.. Okay.. I love you.
INT. HAWAWAIIAN TONGA HUT BAR - NIGHT
Melvin digs into his coat pocket. Hands a note over to Puddy.
MELVIN
I got a list of who’s been invited.
Puddy’s finger comes down to one name in particular.
PUDDY
Micky McFinn O'Toole. Loud,
obnoxious, thinks everyone likes
him... Tells jokes that aren’t
funny.
MELVIN
Like you. Great Golfer and it’s in
through him you must go.
PUDDY
Can’t one stupid thing in this
world ever be easy?

26. 24.
The Waitress brings two very tall umbrella drinks and sets
them down.
WAITRESS
Here you go “handsome.”
Kiki turns and leaves. A silly smile works across Puddy’s
face.
PUDDY
She called me handsome. Chicks, dig
me!
MELVIN
They’ll be calling you “handsome”
too when they’re changing your
diapers. It’s what they do.
A heavy set Hawaiian man, RONNY KALUAH (30’s) steps on stage.
He reaches for the microphone.
PUDDY
Why you gotta be like that?
The lights go down.
RONNY KALUAH
Thank you and welcome to “King
Kamayamaya Tiki Tonga Hut.” We have
a special guest tonight.. So please
welcome, a brave Warriorette who’s
rowed her canoe all the way from
the big island itself... give it
up, a warm Hawaiian welcome, the
one, the only, Mialani Powilamuka-
Brewsinksi... (fight night)
Brewsinski...
Lights go down. The stage is set. Hawaiian warrior drums
begin to pound. Smoke fills the room - volcanic explosions!
PUDDY
Like a luau in here.
Puddy reaches for a napkin and wipes a bead of sweat off his
forehead.
PUDDY (CONT’D)
Think I swallowed a bad clam.
The red cheesy curtain is slowly pulled back. We see a large
draped canvas and on it a painting of Diamond Head. Smoke
cheaply spews.

27. 25.
The music gets underway.
BACKGROUND DANCERS covered with war-paint flood the floor
with twirling fire-batons and precise movements.
Tonga drums pound and swirling flames fill the stage.
MELVIN
You don’t see this everyday.
The Warrior-Dancers then part on either side to reveal, an
under-dressed, hip shaking, grass skirt wearing, exotic-
erotic looking, Mialani Powilamuka-Brewsinski.
Mialani takes to the stage with power and grace. She moves
precisely in and out of the Warrior Dancers.
MIALANI
(singing)
Tahuawai la a tahunai wai la. Ehu
hene la a pili koo lua la...
PUDDY
(sings chorus)
Au we ta huala, au we ta huala...
MELVIN
What the hell is that?
PUDDY
Johnny Noble and Leleiohaku’s
Hawaiian War Chant.
Mialani steps off the stage and works the room.
MIALANI
Huki, huki, huki, la...
Puddy’s head spins. He reaches for his drink, looks, then
puts it back down. He grows dizzy. The Tonga drums get louder
and louder.
PUDDY
Is it hot in here? You hot, Melvin?
Mialani moves the room to a frenzy.
PUDDY (CONT’D)
You see a bathroom in this place?
Drums pound.
MELVIN
Over to the left. You alright?

28. 26.
PUDDY
Little nauseous. Maybe the smoke?
MELVIN
Hey? If you’re going to drop a
stacker be polite and open the
window.
Puddy stands up as his head swirls. He reaches for his table
to balance. It’s tilts.
MELVIN (CONT’D)
Wow... Take it easy.
Puddy moves through the crowd, reaching for his forehead. He
makes his way toward the side of the stage heading towards
the bathroom.
PUDDY
Excuse me... Excuse me...
Puddy makes his dizzying way past the stage. The Warrior
Dancers move close with their twirling batons of fire.
Wushhh. Wush...
WARRIOR DANCER
Hey, buddy look out!
A fiery baton then smacks Puddy in the face. Puddy tries to
brace but falls inward onto the stage.
PUDDY
Woooo...
MELVIN
MAC?
In doing so, he accidentally strips the microphone cord away
from Mialani’s hands. “Down goes Puddy!”
MIALANI
Hey?
PUDDY
Ahhhgggg...
Mialani’s foot gets caught on her grass skirt and she steps
over Puddy’s face.
MIALANI
Huki.... Hey?
Now on his back, Puddy looks up and finds himself beneath the
gyrating hips of hula grass and Mialani’s shaking thighs.

29. 27.
PUDDY
Huh?
Hula grass washes over Puddy’s face like a car-wash.
Mialani’s skirt then catches fire. A melee.
MIALANI
Ronny? Get this guy!! Creep!!!
Looking up my skirt! Are you crazy?
Music grinds to a halt. Customers get to their feet and begin
booing Puddy.
CUSTOMERS
Boooo!!
Ronny runs on stage with a fire extinguisher and sprays the
white dust covering the stage, Dancers, Mialani the Crowd and
Puddy.
PUDDY
Huh?
The stage turns into a Hawaiian melee. It’s on. Pushing,
shoving. The BOUNCER grabs Puddy and gets him on his feet.
Puddy instinctively pushes back.
PUDDY (CONT’D)
It was an accident! I’m sorry...
BOUNCER
Yeah, some accident Arsonist!
The Bouncer slugs Puddy in the stomach and Puddy doubles
over.
BOUNCER (CONT’D)
Call the cops. I want this guy out
of here!
The crowd begins throwing their umbrellas from their drinks
at Puddy.
PUDDY
Uuurggg..!
INT. LA COUNTY JAIL HOLDING PEN - NIGHT
TWO INMATES (40’S) one Black JARNEL, one Hispanic JULIO kiss
passionately in the corner of the jail cell.
Puddy, covered in white fire retardant at the bars now with a
swollen black eye stares out. He then turns to the kissers.

30. 28.
PUDDY
Can you guys get a room?! You’re
not the only ones in here you know?
JULIO
A room? Oh, we will get a room
senor Golfer-Puddy..
Puddy turns.
PUDDY
That’s just disrespectful.
We pull back to reveal a Big Black face with large soft
pillow eyes poised next to Puddy. He is a very large and
powerful INMATE (50’S) who wears his shirt wide open - sexy.
He’s got a crush on Puddy.
BLACK INMATE
(southern accent)
You like... “salads?”
PUDDY
(preoccupied)
Huh? Salad are alright.
BLACK INMATE
You like... “dressing?”
PUDDY
Blue cheese mostly. What of it?
BLACK INMATE
You like... “tossed” salads?
PUDDY
(irritated)
Buffets mostly. Like to toss my
own. Okay?
Pull back to reveal the Black Inmate’s pants down around his
ankles. Puddy turns to see his cell-mate half naked.
PUDDY (CONT’D)
Hey!?
BLACK INMATE
You want to “toss my Caesar?”
Melvin Dealer is led to the holding pen by an LA SHERIFF’S
OFFICER. The other inmates begin laughing at Puddy.

31. 29.
PUDDY
Get me out of here, Melvin! All
this guy can think about is salads!
The Officer opens up the cell.
OFFICER
Inmates put your pants back on and
step away from the door. MacKenzie
McFadden step forward.
Inmates, pulling up their pants break out in laughter. Puddy
steps through the cell door - embarrassed. The guard closes
the door.
BLACK INMATE
Maybe you’ll come back and see me?
PUDDY
(now safe)
I’ll toss your salad for breakfast
buddy!
INMATE
You want to eat my ass for
breakfast?
More confused than agitated.
PUDDY
No!
EXT. CHEAP MOTEL - NIGHT
Melvin’s car pulls inside the parking lot. Bad side of town.
Real bad. Lights off.
INT. CAR - NIGHT
Puddy looks around - gang members, prostitutes.
MELVIN
What do you want at this hour?
PUDDY
A flack jacket?
EXT. PARKING LOT - NIGHT
Puddy and Melvin walk from the all-night motel registration
office. Loud gunshots pierce the late-night air. Puddy ducks.
MELVIN
Don’t be so jumpy.

32. 30.
INT. MOTEL HALLWAY - NIGHT
Prostitutes, Rats and Shady Characters fill the hallways.
Puddy and Melvin make their way down to room 201.
Melvin opens the door.
INT. MOTEL ROOM - NIGHT
Melvin pushes the door open. This place is bad. It has one
single unmade bed and a TV. The wallpaper is stained and
dirty brown.
The Men step in and close the door behind them. Not sure
where to move.
PUDDY
Smells like dried bleach and dirty
socks.
MELVIN
That’s the smell of prison love.
PUDDY
Prison love... that’s funny.
Puddy sits on the bed. It makes a plastic-type sound going
down.
PUDDY (CONT’D)
This is a pee mattress, Melvin?
MELVIN
Whatta’ expect?
Melvin makes himself at home without a care in the world -
finicky. He’s all up-side. He throws his bag on the stand -
makes for the bathroom.
PUDDY
Probably anything but a pee
mattress. In case I have to go I
won’t bother getting up.
Puddy’s exhausted. He looks in the mirror and takes in his
shiner and newly acquired burn mark on his cheek.
PUDDY (CONT’D)
Road hard put away wet.
Melvin goes into the bathroom.

33. 31.
MELVIN
We’ll be out of here in no time.
Then tomorrow we’ll go see
Stonehouse. First thing.
Melvin begins to meticulously lay out his toiletries from
left to right. He undresses.
PUDDY
He’ll be looking for his pound of
flesh.
MELVIN
Pound, shmound... He’s got a
tournament to pull off.
The framed artwork begins to jiggle in front of Puddy. It
shakes from the couple next door making raucous-love.
PUDDY
(beat)
Couldn’t have anticipated that.
The moaning amplifies. Puddy puts his ear to the wall.
PUDDY (CONT’D)
Looks like your prison love has
arrived.
He crosses the room and exits.
MELVIN
Where you going?
PUDDY
Tell these lovebirds to keep it
down. It’s three in the morning!
INT. HALLWAY - NIGHT
Puddy’s nerves are frayed. He rubs his eyes as he walks. He
arrives, pounds on the door.
PUDDY
Open up! Open up in there you
frickon’ jackrabbits!
The sounds of raucous love stops momentarily.
PUDDY (CONT’D)
Listen, people are trying to sleep
in...

34. 32.
The door opens wide. Puddy stands before his Hispanic and
Black Jail Cell Inmates, Julio and Jarnel.
INMATE JULIO
Hey, Jarnel... Look who’s here. The
cute guy from jail. Senor Puddy
Golf man.
INMATE JARNEL (O.C.)
The one with the tight corduroys?
INMATE JULIO
You told us to get a room. And we
did!!
Jarnel approaches - half naked. Stunned, Puddy stands in
shock.
PUDDY
Guys made bail, huh?
INMATE JULIO
Oh, we made more than bail.
He rubs his eyes.
PUDDY
Oh, God.
Then from below, a LITTLE PERSON named SPECK (30’S) pushes
his way through the middle wearing a towel around his waste,
a Samurai headband and a gun belt of plastic six-shooters.
He’s a bit menacing for his height.
INMATE JARNEL
This is Speck...
PUDDY
Of course it is... Speck.
Puddy extends his hand to shake, Speck just eyeballs.
INMATE JULIO
He’s our little X-factor. When we
need that extra little “extra.”
PUDDY
Didn’t see Speck in jail?
INMATE JULIO
You ever see a midget in jail?
Don’t be stupid!

35. 33.
INMATE JARNEL
You can join us with your drivers,
and putters... putting it in the
little holes-in-ones’.
Julio and Jarnel begin French kissing - again. Speck moves
closer to Mac.
INMATE SPECK
(winks)
Beer can on my head? William Tell
with a dart gun?
PUDDY
(getting sick)
Excuse me guys... I’m just going to
put my face in a tree shredder.
The Boys shut the door.
The Puddy makes his way defeated down the dark hallway. A
small family of POSSUMS run past.
INT. HOTEL ROOM - NIGHT
Melvin stands before the mirror wearing a white robe, a hair
net. With a motorized gadget, he trims his nose-hairs.
MELVIN
How’d it go?
PUDDY
Fine.
Puddy walks by the bathroom.
MELVIN (O.C.)
We’ll smooth it over with
Stonehouse in the morning, make
that all good, get on a schedule.
We have to be in court tomorrow too
for the Hawaiian melee.
Puddy sits on the edge of the bed.
PUDDY
(defeated)
They’ve got nothing on me..?
Puddy, numb reaches to turn the TV on i.e., sports, motel
channel, porno, local news.
Puddy comes across a TV Commercial featuring, Micky McFinn
O’Toole.

36. 34.
PUDDY (CONT’D)
(hating)
“The Finn.”
Puddy turns up the TV.
O’TOOLE (TV)
(loud - obnoxious)
We’re thrilled to be opening
O’Toole’s 10th Pro-Am Golfing
center right here in Chula Gardens
where we have 25,000 square feet
dedicated to every single part of
the game that you need to be your
best. We have the latest in Dave
Pelz, the Fujikura Motore F1
Shafts, the Adam’s Speed-line
drivers along with the PowerBilt
Air Force Ones... Remember, we have
ten locations that are ready to
serve you. “Get your game on
today!”
O’Toole’s teeth sparkle as Puddy turns off the TV. The art on
the wall begins shaking again.
PUDDY
(falling asleep)
Peck the x-factor.
Puddy lies back to the squishy sounds of the pee mattress,
closes his eyes.
PUDDY (CONT’D)
William Tell. Oh, God...
Melvin steps out into the room. Puddy is sound asleep and
snoring. Out!
Melvin, without a care, turns out the light and moves close
bedside. He removes his bedroom slippers and takes a small
slice of the bed.
MELVIN
We’ll have Milton Stonehouse in the
palm of our hands.
The art on the wall keeps-a-knockin’. Gunshots strafe in the
distance.
MELVIN (CONT’D)
Tomorrow’s a new day, Mac! We hit
‘em hard...

37. 35.
EXT. PARKING LOT - FOLLOWING MORNING - DAY
Smoke drifts across the motel check-in office. We pan over.
Melvin’s car burns. TWO THIEVES/ARSONISTS make a run for it.
INT. MOTEL ROOM - DAY
In a deep sleep, Puddy and Melvin find themselves in the
loving arms of the other. Puddy, now mumbling in his slumber,
whispers sweet nothings in Melvin’s ear.
PUDDY
(whispers)
Hmmmm... Come here you little
cupcake. Spooning’s not for losers.
Melvin’s eyes widen. With lightening speed, he leaps out of
the bed.
MELVIN
What the?
Puddy’s eyes slowly widen - refreshed. Melvin, shaking,
stands terrified.
PUDDY
(half asleep)
... hey... we ready?
EXT. MOTEL - MORNING - DAY
The top of the car is now missing from flames. The INN-KEEPER
dowses the last of the flames out.
PUDDY
Now we’re ready for East Haven.
EXT. EAST HAVEN PRIVATE COUNTRY CLUB - CURRENT DAY
A mystical Scottish Bagpipe warmly invites.
The morning sun breaks majestically over the 18th hole of the
East Haven Country Club Golf Course. Beautiful.
INT. COUNTRY CLUB OFFICE - DAY
MILTON STONEHOUSE (50’s) a finicky but clever and cunning
man stands before a large open bay window before him. He
looks out to his beautiful course. Stunning.
THREE ADVERTISING EXECUTIVES, MR. STEVENS, BURT LONGS AND MR.
HENRY COLE (60’s) sit comfortably across Stonehouse’s desk.

38. 36.
Mialani (Annie the Tonga Hut singer) pours morning coffee
wearing white gloves and a uniform. She remains quiet, unseen
in the background.
Stonehouse turns.
STONEHOUSE
Thank you, Mialani. You may go now.
Mialani exits. Her expression somber. The door closes.
HENRY
Beautiful “Help” Milton.
STONEHOUSE
Been with us for five years now.
Aspiring singer. Her name is
actually Annie Brewsinski but calls
herself Mialani. She holds on to
her little dreams, I give her
credit.
Stonehouse sits.
MR. STEVENS
Stonehouse the course is absolutely
magnificent. We couldn’t be more
pleased.
STONEHOUSE
East Haven takes particular pride
in every detail. We’re thrilled to
be the partner of your firm
gentlemen. The press releases have
gone out, RSVP’s are coming in and
some players are out in the lounge
right now. I’m scheduled to meet
with Mac McFadden today. Very much
on track.
The Ad guys lean forward - get a bit excited.
BURT
Championing the idea of the
“comeback” for a guy like him? It’s
genius. Our ad-boys really got it
right this time. He was known as
the comeback kid himself.
STONEHOUSE
Oh, no doubt about that. McKenzie’s
a real poster boy.

39. 37.
MR. STEVENS
And stepping right back into the
spotlight right where they left it.
Like every man wants to.
MR. COLE
Needs to!
STONEHOUSE
At least for that one last brief
moment.
MR. COLE
That’s the American tale right
there and its going to be played
out right through that window!
STONEHOUSE
Almost gives me chills.
BURT
You and your course stands to
benefit tremendously Milton.
STONEHOUSE
Burt, the image of East Haven is
this ad campaign’s perfect partner.
EXT. ENTRANCE OF EAST HAVEN COUNTRY CLUB - DAY
Puddy pulls in front of East Haven with Melvin’s wreck of a
car which still smolders. Caddies dive out of the way as they
pull in.
PUDDY
Look out! Sorry!
INT. STONEHOUSE’S OFFICE - DAY
Puddy and Melvin sit across from Stonehouse who paces
feverishly staring out his window - incensed!
STONEHOUSE
(emphatic)
McKenzie “I think I’ll open up a
Gentlemen’s Club here at East Haven
and ruin my course’s reputation
MCFADDEN!”
PUDDY
It wasn’t a strip club, Milton.

40. 38.
STONEHOUSE
Let me make this as clear to you as
humanly possible! You’re here only
because I have no other choice.
It’s not me who wants you on my
course, it’s the advertisers.
PUDDY
I get it.
STONEHOUSE
No, you don’t. It took East Haven
nearly 12 years to come back after
what you’ve done here!
Stonehouse turns and glares.
PUDDY
It was short-sighted, Milton. I’ve
matured.
STONEHOUSE
Shut up! Our women members dropped
off 75% because of you directly.
You know how much that cost me?
This country club?
PUDDY
A lot?
STONEHOUSE
It took us out of every tournament
consideration for all this time
until now and I’m not having you
screw this thing up!
MELVIN
I assure you we don’t want any
trouble.
STONEHOUSE
Shut up, Dealer! McFadden, you
tarnish this course or this club’s
name once more and you’ll have to
find your next tournament in the
Mumbai Classic!! Get it?!
INT. COUNTRY CLUB RESTAURANT - DAY
Puddy and Melvin, walk at half-mast make their way through
the crowded lounge.

41. 39.
PUDDY
That went well... At least he hates
you too.
INT. COUNTRY CLUB BAR - DAY
Near the bar we see about FIFTEEN other GOLFERS eating,
drinking and listening to the stories of one man in
particular, the handsome and charismatic, MICKY THE FINN
O’TOOLE (48).
Puddy holds in his tracks, takes it in.
PUDDY
Looks like “the Finn” is holding
court again... naturally.
Micky’s a handsome guy, broad in build, athletic, an iron
jaw, white-bright smile and wears short white cropped hair.
MICKY THE FINN O'TOOLE
So, this woman hits off the tee and
she absolutely crushes it right?
Then, this bee comes out of
nowhere... It swoops down like a
hawk. It lands right between this
old broad’s shoulder blades. Stays
there for a minute, then it drops
in a stinger like a frickin’ back-
hoe... K? I thought this lady was
going to die right there. Flat out.
She throws her club, punches her
Caddie in the lake and runs all the
way back to the clubhouse...
reaching around for her shoulders,
like this. So, she get’s to the Doc
and he says “what happened?” She
says, “I got stung between the
first and second hole.” He says,
and get this... “you must have had
an awfully wide stance!”
The group roars with laughter.
MICKY THE FINN O'TOOL
Right? Lady, you got a “wide
stance.” “First and second hole..!”
MATT CRENSHAW (50’s) sees Puddy on the fringe standing by.
MATT CRENSHAW
Is that... Mac McFadden standing
over there?

42. 40.
GOLFER # 2
IT SURE IS!
The rest of the guys turn to face Puddy, everybody’s popular
favorite. Warm smiles and outstretched handshakes. They move
over to meet him.
THE GUYS
Hey, Mac!! Mac McFadden! Great
seeing you!! Welcome back...
PUDDY
Hey Jim... Tony... Dave, good
seeing you... Matt, how have you
been?
The Guys surround Puddy and Melvin, shake hands and welcome
him in.
Puddy, the everyman finds himself right at home.
PUDDY (CONT’D)
(shakes more hands)
Hey, guys..!
The Finn stands back and inventories a bit stranded. (His
thunder’s been stolen - irritated)
MICKY THE FINN O'TOOLE
Well, this has suddenly gotten
interesting.
The Finn steps forward, gracious, welcoming, a little deadly.
MICKY THE FINN O'TOOLE (CONT’D)
Well, well, well... We were all
wondering if Stonehouse had you on
his radar? MacKenzie McFadden!
PUDDY
Hello, Mick.
They shake hands but strained.
MICKY THE FINN O'TOOLE
Mac... Been a long time. Way too
long!
PUDDY
Yeah...
MICKY THE FINN O'TOOLE
Who would of thought you and I
would be back here again, huh?

43. 41.
PUDDY
Yeah, who would have thought, Mick?
Who would of cared?
MICKY THE FINN O'TOOLE
Good one. You out in Bakersfield
now? Barstow. Palmdale?
PUDDY
Vegas...
MICKY THE FINN O'TOOLE
Ah, Sin City.
MICKY THE FINN O'TOOLE (CONT’D)
(a little humiliation)
You run a little Putt and Strut?
That right?
Puddy takes the dig and looks around to the guys.
PUDDY
“Miniature Golf” Mick. Lot’s of
work with the Andre Agassi
Foundation. Philanthropic stuff...
Kids, you know?
Grows awkward. Puddy looks for an out. Doesn’t want trouble.
PUDDY (CONT’D)
Well, guys ah... Look I guess we’ll
be seeing you out there.
MICKY THE FINN O'TOOLE
Hey, where you going? No rush is
there? You going to give me a
chance to win back some of that
money you took from me aren’t you?
PUDDY
Took from you?
MICKY THE FINN O'TOOLE
At Pebble?
PUDDY
You mean by me beating you by four
strokes, Mick..?
The Group “oohs and ahhhs.” Puddy smiles but let’s it go. He
tries to walk past but...

44. 42.
MICKY THE FINN O'TOOLE
Still have that edge don’t you,
Mac? I like that...
From the other side of the restaurant a GROUP OF WOMEN (40-
50’s) enter the lounge. One of them is BARBARA O’TOOLE (43).
(One-time Mrs. Barbara McFadden)
MELVIN
Holy shit, Mac. That your ex-wife?
Barbara removes her golfing gloves. Her friends fawn over
her.
PUDDY
What the hell she doing at East
Haven?
Barbara turns and faces the group. She sees Puddy standing
there. Both hold.
BARBARA
My God... Never thought I’d live to
see the day. McKenzie McFadden.
Barbara, without batting an eye carries herself to the group
like walking on air. Puddy stiffens.
PUDDY
Why her, now? Melvin?
MELVIN
Don’t let her get you, Mac.
MICKY THE FINN O'TOOLE
You mean, Barbara? Oh, Mac. We got
married.
The ante’s just been raised.
PUDDY
(beat)
Married?
MICKY THE FINN O'TOOLE
Barbara didn’t tell you?
Barbara approaches. Her tight sweater, designer skirt and
entourage follow.
BARBARA
Hello, Mac.

45. 43.
PUDDY
You married this toaster-head?
BARBARA
We’re very happy?
PUDDY
You? Happy? Where’s Andy?
BARBARA
He’s in Private School. Having the
best summer of his life.
PUDDY
I’ll bet. Why didn’t you tell me
you married oven-breath here?
MICKY THE FINN O’TOOLE
I’m standing right here.
She extends a very large diamond ring.
BARBARA
“Oven-breath” knows the value of a
woman.
The group ooohhs and ahhhs...
PUDDY
But the “FIN?”
BARBARA
The “Fin” with a “Franchise.”
The group Ahhhs and shakes their heads. Another straight shot
in the balls.
MICKY THE FINN O'TOOLE
Mac, no worries, we’re still
registered at SAKS. Could use some
hand towels for the guest-house.
The group can now only shake their heads.
PUDDY
You win, Mick. We don’t want any
trouble. Barbara, I’ll call you
about Andy.
Puddy and Melvin push past towards the door. They get close
to their exit until...

46. 44.
MICKY THE FINN O’TOOLE
I got 15,000 dollars in petty cash
from the store in the trunk of my
Beamer. One putt, fifty feet.
Closest to the hole. You win, you
got fifteen grand. I win, you go
home. Back to Vegas. Back to your
putt-putt.
Puddy and Melvin hold in their tracks. Get’s quiet.
PUDDY
(hushed whisper)
I can’t take this guy’s crap the
whole time. I’d like to shut him
and Barbara up.
MELVIN
There’s nothing more I’d like to
see than you handing it to him but
we have to think of the tournament.
5 million dollar purse. If we’re
out here, we’re out forever!
PUDDY
We can’t stay in places last night
and think we can win. 15,000 grand.
Puddy turns.
PUDDY (CONT’D)
You’re on Finn.
EXT. A PUTTING GREEN - DAY
A growing crowd surrounds the green. Mac and Micky step up to
the hole. Both men carry their putters.
Melvin holds out a 25 cent piece.
PUDDY
Call it.
MICKY THE FINN O’TOOLE
Tails.
Melvin flips.
PUDDY
Tails it is. You’re up, Mick.
Both Men walk fifty feet away from the pin. Puddy and Barbara
share unpleasant looks.

47. 45.
Micky steps up and addresses the ball.
MICKY THE FINN O’TOOLE
Shouldn’t have taken the bet, Mac.
This could be the last stroke of
your career.
PUDDY
Or a short stroke of genius.
Micky draws back his club. He looks to the gallery. He
skillfully strokes the ball perfectly. Perfect trajectory.
MICKY THE FINN O’TOOLE
There it is...
All eyes of the crowd follow the ball towards the pin. It
rolls and rolls with a delicate grace and just does slide up
5 inches away from the hole and stops.
MELVIN
That’s it... We’re done.
The gallery bursts out in applause.
MICKY THE FINN O’TOOLE
Well, Puddy you got through the
lounge at least.
Melvin is crestfallen. He shakes his head in defeat.
MELVIN
You had to take the bet. YOU HAD TO
TAKE THE BET!
Puddy drops his ball, looks around and takes in the growing
gallery including Barbara.
Stonehouse looks on from the Clubhouse.
STONEHOUSE
What’s McKenzie up to now?
Puddy steps forward, addresses the ball. He eyes the pin with
fierce concentration. (That’s a long shot)
PUDDY
(whisper prayer)
Mother, give me the power to
dominate.
He brings his club back with precision and strokes through
the ball like a pro.

48. 46.
The eyes of those in the Gallery follow every inch of the
ball.
The ball roles with a keen sense of direction. The pin-flag
is lifted, the ball approaches and begins to slow, may not
have enough to beat The Finn.
MICKY THE FINN O’TOOLE
Not enough heh, Pud?
But then the ball gradually passes Micky’s ball and comes to
a rest on the lip of the hole, finally, eventually dropping
in the cup.
The Gallery erupts!
PUDDY
Thank you Mother of Mercy.
Melvin reaches for his heart. Bends at the knees in relief.
MICKY “THE FIN” O’TOOLE
Hell of a shot, Mac.
Puddy visibly shaken, gathers his composure and turns.
PUDDY
Guess that’s why we play the game
huh, Mick?
EXT. MICKY THE FINN’S BMW - DAY
Smiling all the way, Micky opens up his trunk and digs into
his golf bag.
MICKY THE FINN O’TOOLE
Maybe all that miniature golf stuff
has helped your short game?
PUDDY
You never know.
MICKY THE FINN O’TOOLE
Should be fun on the big-wide-
opens. Nothing like the feel of a
long, straight shot down the
fairway.
The Finn produces a wad of money and tosses it to Puddy.
MICKY THE FINN O’TOOLE (CONT’D)
It’s all there. 15,000 grand.

49. 47.
He turns and gets into his BMW. Puddy walks to the car and
gets in.
PUDDY
Hey, Mick?
MICKY THE FIN O’TOOLE
Yeah?
PUDDY
She kick you yet?
MICKY THE FIN O’TOOLE
Kick me?
PUDDY
In bed. At night. Restless leg
syndrome. Generally before
tournaments it triggers. She’ll
kick ya’.
MICKY THE FIN O’TOOLE
Huh?
PUDDY
Don’t let her kick ya’...
Melvin sits and waits exposed in the burned out sedan. Puddy
signs off and approaches Melvin’s car. He gets in.
INT. MELVIN’S CAR - DAY
Puddy gets behind the wheel.
PUDDY
Guy’s raising my kid and he’s got
the long game. Let that grind in
his head a little bit.
INT. COURT ROOM - DAY
Puddy and Melvin sit among the others whose case is being
heard. Beside them both is a court appointed ATTORNEY who is
just out of college.
PUDDY
Have a case before?
On the bench, the HONORABLE JUDGE MARIE KEYS (40). She’s
beautiful, authoritative and means business.
PUDDY (CONT’D)
Judge, Judy-licious.

50. 48.
To his right but out of view is a box where FIVE YOUNG
JUVENILE BOYS await their fate. They wear prison jumpsuits
and are shackled. On a closer look, we see two of the boys
from Las Vegas i.e., Tyrone-Tyrone and Pablo. (The boys
harassing Puddy)
BAILIFF
Next case. Mr. Victor Scott!
VICTOR SCOTT (87) helped by the use of a walker stands. The
old man bends and drools.
The young Attorney stands by him.
BAILIFF (CONT’D)
The People versus Mr. Victor Scott.
Lewd and lascivious conduct in a
public place.
JUDGE MARIE
How do you plead?
ATTORNEY
Mr. Scott pleads, “no contest Your
Honor.”
AN OLD WOMAN (90’s) in the gallery seems to be enjoying
what’s unfolding.
VICTOR SCOTT
It was her, Your Honor!
Victor points to the Woman in the gallery with a traditional
“witness point!”
VICTOR SCOTT (CONT'D)
I was just walking my dog. Mrs.
Cunningham felt compelled to flash
me first near the toilets.
JUDGE MARIE
Sir! Order!
From the rear of the courtroom Mialani enters. She sits and
throws her eyes to one of the boys in the juvenile gallery.
She wears a POLICE OFFICER’S UNIFORM, hair pulled back,
appears stern, sexy and down to business.
Her son, BROCK (13) sits in the juvenile gallery. He’s sweet
but a tough looking kid. Mother and son exchange glances.
Brock’s eyes drop in shame.

51. 49.
JUDGE MARIE (CONT’D)
Thirty days in county.
PUDDY
That’s a life sentence.
JUDGE MARIE
NEXT!
Victor is strong-armed out kicking and screaming. He lifts up
his shirt and flashes Mrs. Cunningham his man-bra tan.
VICTOR SCOTT
Take that Mrs. Cunningham!
Victor’s screams are muted by a the closing of the door
behind him.
JUDGE MARIE
Bailiff? Who’s next?
Puddy grows worried.
PUDDY
Hey Counselor, you sure you can
handle this Judge?
He sees the boys from Vegas.
PUDDY (CONT’D)
What are those two guys from Vegas
doing here?
The Bailiff reads the charges.
BAILIFF
The People versus MacKenzie
Fitzgerald McFadden. Case number 10-
G-230 penal code 45A-F12, creating
a disturbance in a public place,
assault and battery.
PUDDY
Assault and battery? I stepped on a
girl’s microphone. I fell on a
stage, Mombo slugged me! I was the
one pelted with umbrella drinks!
The Bailiff moves the TV in position. Puddy and Melvin get a
little nervous.
MELVIN
You do a sex-tape?

52. 50.
PUDDY
Not one that’s out.
MELVIN
That’s comforting.
JUDGE MARIE
Prosecutors found another little
piece of information on you Mr.
McFadden. Bars are not the only
things you like to tear up!
The Bailiff turns on the video.
(FLASHBACK: REPLAY OF SECOND EVENT ON VIDEO TAPE)
The tape then shows ESPN footage of Puddy on a green
surrounded by a gallery of onlookers.
Melvin sighs relief.
PUDDY
Where’d they get that? That’s the
President’s Cup Tournament.
ATTORNEY
Your Honor any other tape that may
be played does not pertain to this
case and I must object!
JUDGE MARIE
Overruled.
Prosecutor sits self-satisfied.
EXT. PRESIDENT’S CUP - DAY
The Video. Puddy, in a high-profile tournament, misses a
crucial putt.
The cool exterior is quickly lost and he begins by throwing
his club towards the gallery.
Folks tear for the hills, dive in the lake, run for the
woods.
PUDDY
Ahhhrrrrggggg!!!!
Puddy, then takes the Caddy’s bag and sprays the clubs all
over the green. He rips out the hole-flag and throws it
wildly.

53. 51.
PUDDY (CONT’D)
Frickin’ putt!!!
The Gallery runs for their lives. Puddy tears off his shirt
like Tarzan!
PUDDY (CONT’D)
You want a piece of me? You want a
piece? Two million Dollars!!! One
stupid putt? Arrrrhhggg!!!!!
Puddy’s body contorts in a ridiculous agony. Babies dive from
their strollers, the Elderly scramble like goats up the berm.
The Bailiff turns off the TV.
(END OF FLASHBACK REPLAY)
The court grows quiet. The Boys in the gallery laugh and
snicker.
JUDGE MARIE
Order. Order!
Puddy sheepishly smiles at the judge. It quickly goes away.
PUDDY
She had to get that video.
Mialani grows curious.
JUDGE MARIE
You appear to have a bit of a
“rage” problem Mr. McFadden.
PUDDY
Your Honor...
JUDGE MARIE
You see those boys over there, Mr.
McFadden?
PUDDY
Yes, Mam...
JUDGE MARIE
Most of them think it’s somehow
pretty cool to follow in the kind
of shoes you wear. Sports figures
who think they’re above the law who
act like “asses!”

54. 52.
PUDDY
But I’m not an ass, I tripped!
JUDGE MARIE
Temper-tantrums, causing problems
in public, trespassing. Respect and
borders seems to be an issue for
you just like it is for these young
boys.
PUDDY
I know two of those kids. They’re
from Vegas! What do they have to do
with me?
JUDGE MARIE
They were picked up for association
with gang activity here.
PUDDY
Now that I agree with.
JUDGE MARIE
Trouble just seems to follow you
wherever you go doesn’t it? So here
is what it’s going to be. You are
hereby sentenced Sir to 50 hours of
community service.
PUDDY
(stands)
What?!
JUDGE MARIE
You will work in the County Mentor
Program, Mr. McFadden. Teaching
these kids the finer aspects of
golf and maybe even a few of the
finer aspects of what it is to be a
mature human-being functioning in
civilized society.
PUDDY
I don’t have any time for that! I
have a professional golf tournament
to prepare for!
JUDGE MARIE
Oh, but you do now. I’ve just given
it to you. Or, you can go to jail
right now Mr. McFadden. What’s it
going to be?

55. 53.
EXT. A VACANT HAUNTED ABANDONED FRATERNITY HOUSE - DAY
Melvin’s car and a second pulls in the driveway. Puddy gets
out and looks around. He cringes.
PUDDY
You’ve got to be kidding me.
INT. EMPTY FRATERNITY HOUSE - DAY
The big wide front doors open. Leading the way is talkative
DORIS (40’S) a property management agent. Melvin and Puddy
follow cautiously.
DORIS
Right this way.
The entryway is oversized and Gothic. A dark distressed
stairwell leads to the basement below. Odd sounds come from
it i.e., water dripping, creaks, hull of a ship type stuff.
Doris leads the way.
PUDDY
Jeffrey Dahmer’s?
MELVIN
It’s the summer. No one’s around.
We need this place like yesterday.
DORIS
Comes with a “Cook.” The mortgage
holders said she could stay until
the property sells. She sleeps
downstairs.
Puddy goes over to the stairs again.
PUDDY
Hello? (echo) Hello... Jeffrey? You
down there? What’s her name?
DORIS
Mrs. Kruger.
PUDDY
(beat)
I hate you, Melvin.
EXT. LAKEFOREST MUNICIPAL DRIVING RANGE - DAY
A Driving Range Ball-Scooper moves from left to right across
the driving range open field.

56. 54.
Old and retired driver, JIMMY (80’S) wears a protective
helmet and a mouth guard.
Pow! Pow! Pow! Jimmy slows and gets out of his Range Scooper.
He removes his mouth piece and his dentures slide.
JIMMY
(lisping)
Hey, MAC!? What are you doing? I’m
retired out here! You’re killing
me! Can’t you hit a straight ball?
PUDDY
Sorry... Jimmy...
EXT. RANGE TEES - DAY
Puddy slouches defeated. An OLD COUPLE next to him, takes
their basket of balls and moves away from Puddy.
OLD WOMAN
You’re going to kill somebody you
jackass!
The Puddy - stands facing his Nemesis - the long ball. Alone
as ever Puddy stares at his club for answers.
PUDDY
Where’d you go buddy?
Glenn Miller’s “Moonlight Serenade.”
INT. EAST HAVEN COUNTRY CLUB - NIGHT
A TWENTY PIECE FORTIES BIG BAND plays the soft and soothing
Glen Miller piece.
In front of the band stands the ravishing and beautiful
Mialani - Annie Brewsinski. Her gown is stunning, her hair
meticulously set for the forties.
A flowering white orchid adorns her ear.
MIALANI
(sings)
“I stand at your gate and the song
that I sing is moonlight...”
EXT. VALET - NIGHT
Melvin and Puddy pull in with their half-burnt sedan and
screech to a halt. Melvin’s remaining hubcap pops off his
tire and rolls aimlessly past the awaiting limos.

57. 55.
A beautiful WOMAN (30’S) with her handsome escort stroll
towards the inside.
BEAUTIFUL WOMAN
(smiles)
Got it going on huh, guys?
INT. COUNTRY CLUB - NIGHT
Puddy and Melvin enter. Their breath is taken away by what
they see i.e. decorations, enlarged posters of all the
Golfers, tables and tables of success before them.
MELVIN
This is serious.
PUDDY
Real serious. Hey, there’s my
poster next to the Finn’s. Like
Rocky and Apollo’s. How about that?
MELVIN
Yeah... How about that?
Puddy’s eyes go directly to Mialani.
PUDDY
Check out Miss “Huki La.”
Moonlights as a torch singer. A
double-moonlighter.
MELVIN
Stay away from her. I’m gonna’ look
around. I’ll meet you at the table.
PUDDY
Don’t embarrass me...
Melvin goes left. Puddy steps forward. Puddy catches the eye
of Mialani.
PUDDY (CONT’D)
(love-struck)
The only thing missing is the magic
of fireflies....
EXT. VERANDA - NIGHT
Melvin secures his privacy. He looks around. He makes a call
on his cell.
TWO THUGS approach from behind dressed in upscale suits.

58. 56.
THUG # 1
Hello, Melvin.
Melvin slowly turns. Clicks his phone shut.
MELVIN
Hello, fellas. I was just trying to
reach you.
THUG # 2
Bet you were. Why don’t we take a
little walk.
INT. EAST HAVEN COUNTRY CLUB - NIGHT
Sitting at the main table is Stonehouse, Micky, his wife
Barbara and the rest of the Advertisers i.e., Mr. Stevens,
Burt Long and Henry Cole.
Micky finishes up his old tired joke, Barbara grows less
amused.
MICKY THE FINN O’TOOLE
So she says and get this, “I got
stung between the first and second
hole. He says, wait, ready? “you
must have had an awfully “wide
stance!”
The table roars with laughter but for Barbara.
MR. STEVENS
A wide stance!!! My God... the bee
sting in the middle! OUCH!!
Over the laughter, Stonehouse gestures to Mialani on the
bandstand to join them.
Mialani steps down, crosses the room and approaches the
table. Paraded by Stonehouse.
STONEHOUSE
Gentlemen. Look what’s coming our
way.
Puddy looks on from a hidden vantage point.
Mialani gets near the head table. Stonehouse stands and fawns
over Mialani as his “prized employee.”

59. 57.
STONEHOUSE (CONT’D)
(all smiles)
Gentlemen, this is East Haven’s
own country club jewel, may I
present, Mialani.
Stonehouse pulls out a chair. Mialani sits.
MIALANI
Thank you.
Stonehouse snaps his fingers. A WAITER immediately brings a
tray of champaign glasses.
The Men fawn over her. Stonehouse plays the perfect host.
STONEHOUSE
Mialani, this is Mr. Stevens.. Head
of the campaign and his associates
Mr. Burt Long and Mr. Henry Cole.
MIALANI
Nice meeting you gentlemen. It’s an
honor to have your tournament here
at East Haven.
Puddy steps closer to a second vantage point to look on and
listen. PRO GOLFER DAVE MICHAELS (50’S) who sits at the
adjoining table sees Puddy standing nearby.
DAVE MICHAELS
Mac! Mac McFadden? Is that you
hiding behind that banister?
Puddy, cover blown steps out and approaches Dave’s table.
PUDDY
Dave! Hey! No... Just working my
way down... Dave... Beth, you look
amazing! (kisses her cheek)
He is now clearly visible to those at Stonehouse’s table.
Micky the Finn now alert, keeps a watchful eye.
MICKY THE FINN O'TOOLE
There’s your X.. Fashionably late
as usual.
Puddy then catches the eye of the Advertising Exec’s at
Stonehouse’s table.
HENRY
Hey, there’s Mac McFadden!

60. 58.
Whispers of Puddy’s presence spread like wildfire in the
room.
BURT
There he is... Let’s get him over
to our table before he sits down!
MR. STEVENS
Mac? Mac McFadden? Over here!
Stonehouse stiffens but cool.
PUDDY
Excuse me, Dave, Beth. I’m being
summoned. See you out there on the
greens, Dave. Good luck.
DAVE MICHAELS
You too. Good luck out there, Mac!
Puddy turns away from Dave and wife Beth. Stonehouse steps up
to lead the exchanges and more to control the scene.
STONEHOUSE
Mr. McFadden. Our generous sponsors
have been waiting to meet you all
night.
PUDDY
Mr. Stonehouse. It’s a pleasure,
sir.
BURT
(eager - outgoing)
I’ve dreamed of someday sitting
with you, Mr. McFadden. You’re the
comeback kid!
Micky can just roll his eyes.
PUDDY
Call me “Mac” please. Everybody...
BURT
Mac... The way you came back to
beat the field at Pebble in 92?
Nothing short of stunning.
HENRY
And the European Championship in
95.
Micky the Finn, forgotten for the moment, burns at the table
but remains polite enough.

61. 59.
MICKY THE FIN O’TOOLE
What memories.
EXT. GRASSY KNOLL - NIGHT
Thug # 1 and # 2 take it to Melvin pretty good. He tumbles
down a patch of grass near the lake. Thug # 2 punches him in
the stomach - Melvin doubles over.
THUG # 1
Mr. Giancomo don’t like people
being late. He doesn’t like his
cliental hiding from him either.
MELVIN
Arrrggh.... Look, here’s 10,000.
I’ll get all of it soon enough.
INT. EAST HAVEN COUNTRY CLUB - NIGHT
Puddy keeps his charm and cool, sits among the invited
guests, Micky and ex-wife Barbara. He refers to Mialani -
Brewsinski.
PUDDY
(charming)
Have we met, or seen each other
before? You look very familiar.
MIALANI
(covers)
Well, I don’t think so. But maybe
I’ve seen you here at the course
maybe?
PUDDY
(playing)
No, haven’t been here in a while. I
just can’t place it, wait? No...
that’s not it...
Each keep the watchful eye on the other.
STONEHOUSE
(grows nervous)
Let me get you some champagne.
The table is tense to say the least. Puddy glances at
Barbara.
PUDDY
And you? You must be Mrs. O’Toole?

62. 60.
BARBARA
And you the “one-and-only” Mac
McFadden? Your legend precedes you.
PUDDY
Hello, Mick.
MICKY THE FINN O'TOOLE
The “Great Mighty Puddy.” In the
flesh as an honored guest back at
East Haven. Full circle my friend.
MR. STEVENS
The Great Mighty Puddy?
PUDDY
A nickname given to me by Mr.
O’Toole here. We’ve been competing
over almost everything through the
years.
MICKY THE FINN O'TOOLE
(smiles)
His unique talents are legendary.
His great comebacks. His four, hole-
in-ones. He’s even known to be the
direct heir to Golf itself.
PUDDY
Just an old legend really.
Micky leans forward.
MICKY THE FINN O'TOOLE
Then, there’s the missing years...
Stonehouse frowns politely. Micky keeps his cool. Mialani
sees her exit and takes it.
MIALANI
The band is gesturing. Probably the
time for me to get back. Gentlemen.
She gets up and the others follow suit. All stand. Puddy
extends his hand.
PUDDY
(quietly)
Miss Powilamuka-Brewsinski.
Mialani stiffens but covers. Puddy smiles.

63. 61.
MIALANI
(smiles)
Good luck in the tournament, I’m
sure I will see you again Mr.
McFadden.
Mialani steps away from the table. All eyes follow. Puddy’s a
little smitten.
PUDDY
Well, I should find my own table
and take that as my cue as well.
MR. LONG
Very good.
PUDDY
Looking forward to a great
tournament. We’ll see you on the
greens gentlemen. Barbara.
Puddy turns and goes.
MR. STEVENS
He’s a dashing man isn’t he?
O’Toole chokes, reaches for a glass of water.
INT. BANQUET BATHROOM - NIGHT
Puddy enters the bathroom. There are five stalls. A Man’s
feet are seen in the second stall. He appears sitting.
Puddy’s eyes take a glance in the mirror. Melvin steps out.
His handkerchief is covered with blood. Puddy turns.
PUDDY
(but suspicious)
What happened to you?
MELVIN
Accident. I bent down and hit my
nose.
PUDDY
Accident? Let me see that.
Puddy inspects then realizes the worst.
PUDDY (CONT’D)
You bent down your head into a
knife-blade?
Puddy pushes Melvin back. Melvin moves to the sink.

64. 62.
PUDDY (CONT'D)
Ah, huh.. You setting me up,
Melvin!
MELVIN
(defeated)
I’m sorry. It’s not what you think.
PUDDY
It’s exactly what I think! How much
you owe this time? They found you
here tonight? At East Haven? That’s
fantastic!!
MELVIN
I’m sorry, Mac. But I gave ‘em the
rest of the money.
PUDDY
You what?
MELVIN
They were going to break up my face
open pretty good out there. I
gave’em ten grand. What was
basically left.
Melvin falls silent and nods his head. Puddy reaches for his
own handkerchief and covers Melvin’s nose.
PUDDY
Idiot.. Here... Blow! Blow! Get
this blood off your face. If
Stonehouse sees this it’s over!
Melvin gets cleaned up.
PUDDY (CONT’D)
(frustrated)
Now we can’t even eat. Comb your
hair. Hurry up. Let’s get out of
here.
EXT. THE FRONT OF THE FRATERNITY - NIGHT
Melvin’s car pulls up. Both get out. The night grows stormy.
PUDDY
125,000 grand?!
MELVIN
I mortgaged my mother’s house for
her medical bills.
(MORE)

65. 63.
MELVIN (CONT'D)
Credit got tight. She was going to
lose it. Hips are expensive. Who
knew!?
PUDDY
Yeah and now we’re in bed with
these Cheese-dicks!
MELVIN
Yeah, sorry Mac.
PUDDY
First the cockroach hotel with
Speck the X-factor wonder midget,
then reservations at the Shining
here, then you bring your dirty
laundry to East Haven! You’re a
piece of work you know that?
MELVIN
You still did hit that putt today.
That was really something.
PUDDY
(softens a bit)
Shut up... Don’t try and soften me,
Melvin.
Lightening strikes overhead. The large house grows ominous.
INT. INSIDE THE FRATERNITY - NIGHT
The creaky door pushes wide open. Black and empty. The Boys
step in. Odd sounds bellow from the stairwell below.
PUDDY
Is that why you picked this place?
To find the hole you could hide in?
MELVIN
Something like that.
A fog climbs up the stairs like a spider and dissipates
around our Hero’s feet.
PUDDY
Great...
Melvin turns left Puddy grabs him.

66. 64.
PUDDY (CONT'D)
Oh, no. We’re going down to meet
Miss Dahmer and you’re leading the
way. Then we’re going to get a good
night’s sleep. Now let’s go!
INT. THE STAIRWELL - NIGHT
The Boys slowly make their way down the stairs. The eerie
sounds grow and grow i.e., the plopping of water, the
creaking of wood.
INT. BASEMENT FLOOR - NIGHT
The guys hit the bottom of the basement. The space is wide
open - contains a bar, dance-floor and a disco stage.
A light goes on and off from inside a door that is slightly
ajar down the hallway.
The Guys slowly approach the door.
INT. MISS KRUGER’S ROOM - NIGHT
Puddy pushes the door open wide. His eyes widen. Melvin
shoulders him.
PUDDY
Holy shit.
We see a Medieval Torture Chamber. Streaming fog caresses a
stretch-rack, a large oil caldron, jail cells with bones in
them, hooks that drip from the ceiling, tables loaded with
instruments of torture.
PUDDY (CONT’D)
Somebody’s got a little secret.
We then hear a sound of chopping. A relentless chopping.
MELVIN
Mac?
PUDDY
Ssshh!
Puddy and Melvin move closer to an adjacent room. We see a
large shadow bringing down a large knife onto a slab of meat
on a table.
Chopping, chopping.

67. 65.
MELVIN
(whisper)
She’s chopping someone up in there!
Basement windows slam shut. Bam! Bam! They turn and run back
through the torture room.
PUDDY / MELVIN
Ahhhhhh!! Watch the tity hooks!!
INT. BASEMENT FLOOR - NIGHT
Puddy and Melvin bolt across the basement floor and make for
the stairs.
PUDDY / MELVIN
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!
INT. STAIRWELL - NIGHT
The Guys scratch and climb panting and scrambling over the
other to get to security.
PUDDY / MELVIN
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!
INT. TOP OF STAIRS - NIGHT
Puddy and Melvin tumble forward and arrive at the feet of
MISS KRUGER. (40’s) She is a Little Person. Her hair is
stringy, her skin pail, she smiles with blackened lips.
MISS KRUGER
You’re just in time for, dinner.
She turns carrying a candelabra the boys follow.
INT. DINING ROOM - NIGHT
A long table sits before us. An organ stands in the corner.
Two place settings are set at the opposite ends of each
other.
MISS KRUGER
Please sit. It will be my pleasure
to serve you.
Puddy and Melvin move to the opposite ends of table.
PUDDY
The real estate lady mentioned...
MISS KRUGER
Silence!

68. 66.
Both sit. Miss Kruger pushes her way back through the kitchen
door.
PUDDY
Where’d she go? What was that
anyway? “Silence?!”
MELVIN
I’m not going Sweeney Todd!
Miss Kruger pushes her way back through the doors carrying
two plates - one for each. She sets the dish before Melvin.
MELVIN (CONT’D)
Thank you..?
She then crosses and places another dish before Puddy.
PUDDY
Thanks... What is it?
MISS KRUGER
Chopped breaded veal cutlet with
sauce, mash potatoes, freshly cut
string beans with mushrooms and a
“house” Merlot.
She exits the room. It gets quiet. Puddy and Melvin sip.
PUDDY
You know? So what if she’s a hairy
little troll living in the basement
filled with instruments of torture?
At least I don’t have to talk dirty
to her.
MELVIN
Yet...
PUDDY
If she can cook like this I’ll give
her a little French wiggle.
Melvin tastes.
MELVIN
These portobello mushrooms are
incredible.
Thunder cracks and a lightening strike fills the room with
light.