1. The Citizen
Friday27 June 2014
On deathanddyingand the DeathCafe
Words and picturesby Danielle Kutchel
People are talkingaboutdeathoveracuppa. But it’snotall doom andgloom, writesDanielle
Kutchel.
On a sunnyafternooninFitzroy,upthree steepandricketyflightsof stairs,anunlikelygroupof
people meetinawhitewashedstudioroomoverlookingbusyGertrude Street.
There are people fromall walksof life here;Buddhists,mixingwithatheistsandsceptics,sharing
cakesand cups of tea. Thoughdisparate inbackgroundandoutlook,theyare unitedbya realitythat
confrontsultimatelyall creatures — death.Anditisdeaththat theyhave come to talkabout.

2. Thisis a so-called‘DeathCafe’,partof a global movementaimedatencouragingengagementwith
one of life’sbiggestevents — andgreatestof mysteries.The irregularget-togethersare a not-for
profitinitiative, althoughhostsmayaskfora small donationtocoverset-upcosts.
The statedobjective of the movement,accordingtoitswebsite,is“toincrease awarenessof death
witha viewtohelpingpeople make the mostof their(finite)lives.”The premise isequallysimple:
overplatesof sweetandsavourytreats,strangersgatherto chat openly aboutdeath,layingbare
theirbeliefs,hopes,fearsandthe reasonsbehindthem,inanenvironmentfree of agenda,
judgementandrestriction.Bystartingthe conversation,organisershope tochallenge society’staboo
aroundtalkingaboutdeath,andencourage more opendiscussionaboutlife’sinevitable end.
Seatedarounda small white table adornedwithfruitbuns,mudcake anda handful of booksbearing
titlessuchas ‘Dyingfora Chat’,the discussionkicksoff,somewhathesitantlyatfirst,before
gatheringpace as those presentgrowincreasinglyconfident.
“It’sconversationandcake – to sweetenthe topic!”laughsPiaInterlandi,aguestat the Fitzroy
meetinganda veteranof suchevents.“It’sverycasual andveryrelaxed.Idon’tfindthemat all
morbid.”
The initiative wasstartedin2011 whenfounderJonUnderwood,inspiredbyasimilareventheldin
Paris,hostedhisfirstDeathCafe at hishome inLondon.From these humble beginnings,the
movementspreadtothe UnitedStates,before gatheringmomentumglobally:there have been
more than 900 DeathCafesheldsince thatfirstmeetinginSeptember,2011. Andthere seemsno
denyingtheirappeal,asthe gatherings’laidbacktreatmentof anoftendiscomfortingtopicattracts
bothnewcomersandseasonedattendees.
Annie Whitlocke,the moderatorof the Fitzroygathering,reckonsaround25 DeathCafeshave been
heldlocallysince the initiative reachedAustralia’sshoresin2012. Several more are looming,with
anotherhostalone havingplannedafurtherfoureventsin2014.
As well asbeingaDeathCafe host,Ms Whitlocke (picturedabove) worksasapastoral carer at
Monash Medical Centre,teachesmeditationtocancerpatientsandisa funeral celebrant.Butshe
considerscaringforher mother,whohasdementia,tobe hermostimportantrole as she seeksto
ensure thather motheriscomfortable tothe end.
Ms Whitlocke convertedtoBuddhismmore than30 yearsago, appreciatingone of itscentral
teachingsaboutthe impermanenceof all things,includingthe humanbody.The notion
strengthenedherbelief thatdeathneedstobe acknowledgedasanatural and evenbeautiful partof
life.
“Our societyhasbecome deathphobic,deathdenyingandage phobic,”she says.“Anywonder
people are hesitanttotalk aboutsomethingthatissonormal yet hasbeenlabelledanerror,a
mistake,embarrassing.”

3. A vividturningpointinherperceptionof society’staboocame whenMsWhitlocke witnessedthe
passingof heraunt who,inspite of her relatives’silence onthe subjectof death,hada burning
desire tospeakaboutherimminentdemise.
Ms Whitlocke recognisedasimilarneedinthe communitytotalkaboutdying.She beganhosting
DeathCafesto addressthisneed,byprovidingacomfortable andwelcoming environmentinwhich
to discussthe inevitable conclusiontolife.
“As soonas we are bornwe geta deathsentence,itisunavoidable,”she saysmatter-of-fact.“Some
make it to old-age,manydon’t.If we don’tmake ourallottedsevenscore yearswe feel we have
beencheated.”
In spite of the community’sapparentlynegative attitude towardsdeath,MsWhitlockhasfoundthat
DeathCafesare,in fact,quite popular.In2013, she assistedinhostingaDeathCafe at the
Melbourne Fringe Festival.
“It was bookedoutforthree nights.People fromall walksof life came andwe talked,listened,
laughedandshared.”
Importantly,MsWhitlocke explains,DeathCafesare “nota grief or counsellingsession”.The events
are simplydesignedtoencourage conversationaroundone of the few certaintiesinlife,andeven
perhapsa little mirthaspeople beintoappreciate thatthere canbe humourindeath,too.
As moderatorof the Fitzroygathering,MsWhitlocke managestoguide the discussion,gentlyasking
questionsthatelicitstrongfeelings,while alsostressingthe confidentialityof people’sreflections.
The guestsare readyparticipants,honestandhappytooffertheirviews.Like theirhost,manyhave
had experiencesof death,whetherthroughthe lossof familymembers,orintheirline of work.
Ms Interlandi isone suchattendee.She isthe founder,directoranddesignerforGarmentsforthe
Grave,a companythat specialisesinprovidingenvironmentallyconsciousclothingforthe dead –
clothingthatwill escortthemtothe grave or for cremation.MsInterlandi,whohasbeentoDeath
Cafespreviously,saystheyare all unique intermsof the range of people gatheredandthe topics
traversed.
As someone whoworksinthe deathindustry,she saysshe findsthe eventsallowhertogetto know
otherswhoare involvedwhileofferingherownexperiencesandknowledgein“acommunal sharing
of ideasandtea.”She believesthe casual settingof the cafe facilitatesunderstandingand
communicationaroundwhatisperceivedtobe adifficulttopic,butone thataffectseveryone.
“It’shappeningtoeveryone of us,”Ms Interlandi says.“It’sthe onlything,afterbirth,thatunites
us.”
The numberand diversityof those presentinthe upstairsstudioillustratesthe point,asthe
gatheringoffersupinterestingtalesaboutthe waydeathistreatedacross differentculturesand

4. agreesgenerallythatmuchof the phobiasurroundingdeathcomesdowntoculture.Participants
fromothercountriesspeakof games,picnicsandcelebrations of lifethataccompanyfuneralsback
home,ideasthatare foreigntosome others.MsWhitlocke believesthisreflectsthe wayinwhich
mortalityistreatedinWesternculture.
“Since the mid-20thcentury,societystartedtotreat the dyingbehindclosed doorsandinhospitals,”
she explains.“Before then,itwassadbutnormal for a personto die at home,theneachgeneration
of thatfamilywouldknowthatthisispart of whatfamilyisabout,part of what life isabout.”
She adds: “Deathisnot a mistake,notan error.It happenstoeverything.”
TherapistCherie Scottfeelsthatthe taboonature of deathcomesdownto how the issue is
addressedineverydaylife.
“We live ina polarisedparadigm,where birthisbeautiful,deathisatragedy.We [believe we]should
live alongtime.If we don’t,it’sreallysad.Our learnedwayof beingistonot talkaboutit. Death
Cafesare an attempttoget aroundthe taboo.”
Part of the problem,MsScott adds,isthe language usedtotalkaboutdeathand dying.The concepts
are framedinwar-like terms,she notes,givingexamples:“Boblosthisbattle withcancer”or “Jane
foughttil the end”.
“Our universal destinyisdeath[andyet] it’sviewedasawful togrow old andget frail.”
But, she adds,there isa detectable shift;the recentpopularityof ‘bucketlists’,aswell asthe global
successof Death Cafes,showsthatpeople are aware of the needtomake the mostof theirfinite
time.Usually,she says,peopleleavethe DeathCafe feelinggrateful forthe opportunitytospeak
aboutand explore anuncomfortable topic.
“I findDeathCafeslife affirming,notdeathaffirming.Talkingaboutdeathwon’tkillyou.” — Annie
Whitlocke,moderatorof aDeathCafe in Fitzroy
On thisafternooninFitzroy,the situationisnodifferent.Asthe lastcrumbsof cake are lickedfrom
fingersandthe sudsfrom the dishsoapbeganto bubble,the DeathCafe drawstoa close.
Andthere are notears. Instead,people are smilingamidpealsof laughterandofferstotake home
leftoversortoassistwithcleaning.Phone numbersandcontactdetailsare exchanged.Thisgroupof
strangers,aftertwohours,have emergedaskindredspirits.Asthe attendeesdescendthe twisting
staircase,the moodispalpablyupbeat.
“[You] walkout feelingveryuplifted,”saysMsInterlandi.

5. Ms Whitlocke smilesasshe pilesupplatesforcleaning.Gesturingaroundher,she acknowledgesthe
love thatengulfsthe room.“I findDeathCafeslife affirming,notdeathaffirming.Talkingabout
deathwon’tkill you.”
Ms Whitlocke smilesasshe pilesupplatesforcleaning.Gesturingaroundher,she acknowledgesthe
love thatengulfsthe room.“I findDeathCafeslife affirming,notdeathaffirming.Talkingabout
deathwon’tkill you.”- See more at: http://www.thecitizen.org.au/features/death-and-dying-and-
death-cafe#sthash.pclpR9yl.dpuf
- See more at: http://www.thecitizen.org.au/features/death-and-dying-and-death-
cafe#sthash.pclpR9yl.dpuf