Symposium healing 2014

John D. Dalack
Fr. John Mefrige
Anthony S. Bashir
“Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called
children of God.” Matt 5:9
The Self-Ruled Antiochian
Orthodox Christian Archdiocese
of North America Department of
Lay Ministry

 Difficult Conversations
 Conflict
 Response to Conflict
 Forgiveness
 Reconciliation
 Crisis Response and Planning
 Pastoral Applications
 Resources
NOTE: The presentation is available for
download at www.ortrhodoxpeacemakers.com
2
Slides available at : www.orthodoxpeacemakers.com

Bear with each other
and forgive
whatever
grievances you may
have against one
another. Forgive as
the Lord forgave
you. Colossians
3:13
3
Icon of the parable of the Prodigal Son

Therefore, if you bring
your gift to the altar, and
there recall that your
brother has anything
against you, leave your
gift at the altar, go first
and be reconciled with
your brother, and then
come and offer your gift.
4

 A difficult conversation is anything you find it
troublesome to speak about with another
person.
6

 The What Happened Conversation
 Who said what & who did what?
 Who’s right, who meant what, and
 Who’s to blame for what’s occurred?
7

 The Feelings Conversation - What is not said.
 How will I handle what I’m feeling?
 What do I do about the other person’s feelings?
 These feelings “leak” into the conversation.
8

 The Identity Conversation
 What the other people are thinking and
feeling, but not saying to each other.
 The inner conversation we have with
ourselves about what this situation means to
me.
 “We conduct an internal debate over
whether this means we are competent or
incompetent, a good person or bad, worthy
of love or unlovable.
 “What impact could this have on our self-
image and self-esteem, our future and our
well being.”
9

 Engage in a learning conversation
 “Do not judge so that you may not be judged.
For with the judgment you make you will be
judged and the measure you give will be the
measure you get…first take the log out of your
own eye, and then you will see clearly to take
the speck out of your neighbor’s eye.”
Matthew 7:1-5
10

 Begin to pray with an open mind and a willing
heart to know that…
 We have different information and notice
different things,
 We have different interpretations
 We are influenced by our past experiences
 We apply different implicit rules
 Our conclusions reflect self-interests
 Understand yourself – where are you – what do
you want – what are you yearning for – where
are you being dishonest – where is your self-
seeking, what are you frightened of
11

 Move from certainty to curiosity – the way into
the other person’s story
 Embrace both stories as having validity
 Don’t get trapped in the “I’M RIGHT!” stance.
 Beware of ASSUMPTIONS as you go forward.
 Disentangle intention (ah their bad intention)
and impact (consequence)
 Abandon blame
 Seek to map the contribution of each –
encourages learning and change
12

 Feelings matter: They are often at the heart
of a difficult conversation.
 Explore your emotional footprint
 Accept that feelings are normal and natural
 Recognize that good people can have bad
feelings
 Learn that your feelings are as important as
theirs
 Don’t VENT! Describe feelings carefully.
 Share your feelings…”I feel…”
 Express without judging, attributing, blaming
13

 Throughout your identity will be vulnerable if
you allow the other’s feedback to define who
you are.
 During the conversation learn to regain your
balance –
 Let go of trying to control their reaction
 Prepare for their response
 Imagine that it’s three months or ten years from
now.
14

 Restore each other gently (Galatians 6:1)
 Be willing to over look minor offenses
 Go with an attitude of love and concern for the
other person
 Talk privately first and then get help if
necessary. (Peacemakers Ministry)
15

 Listen Listen Listen Listen Listen Listen
16

 John 16:33"I have told you these things, so
that in me you may have peace. In this world,
you will have trouble. But take heart! I have
overcome the world."
17

“Where two or
three are gathered
in my name….”
…there will
eventually be
CONFLICT!!

Where do wars and fights come from
among you?
Do they not come from your desirers for
pleasure (desires or passions) that war in
your members?
19

A difference in:
INTEREST
OPINION or
PURPOSE
that frustrates someone’s
GOALS or DESIRES
20

Constructive Conflict
Destructive Conflict
Slides available at : www.orthodoxpeacemakers.com 21

Power
Actions
Past Issues
Confrontational
Emotional
Person
Centered
Destructive Conflict

Principle
Omissions
Future
Conversational
Ideological
Issue
Centered
Constructive Conflict

Irreversible
Situations
Fight/Flight
Contests
Win/Loose
Disagreements in
Principle
Joint Problem Solving
24

The Orthodox Church Today ,
A National Study of Parishioners and
the Realities of Orthodox Parish Life in the
USA, A. Krindatch,
Patriarch Athenagoras Orthodox Institute,
Berkeley, CA. 2010
25

0
10
20
30
40
50
60
GOA OCA AOC
Source: A. Krindatch, 2010 US Orthodox Christian Census 26

 Misunderstandings
 Differences in values, goals, priorities,
interests, expectations
 Competition over resources
 Sinful attitudes and desires
 Stress caused by change or transition
27

How many _________
Christians does it take
to change a light bulb?

29

 These desires and passions are, by their
nature, self-centered and divisive
seeking their own satisfaction at any
cost,
 As such these bring about a separation
from Christ – a disruption in the body of
Christ.
 As a result we are separated from each
other and see each other as not of
us…different.
30

 Issues
 Position
 Interests
31

 An identifiable and concrete question that
must be addressed in order to reach an
agreement.
 Issues are tangible and measureable.
 For example,
 Did the priest have the authority to make
that decision without consulting the parish
council?
32

 A desired outcome or a definealbe
perspective on an issue.
 Positions are often mutually exclusive and
incompatible.
 For example,
 The pastor has the right to act alone in a
situation such as…
 The pastor should act only after
consultation with…
33

 Form the motivation that underlies a
party’s position, and thus the answer to
why that position is important to that
party.
 Reflects values, concerns, desires, needs,
etc.
 For example, I trust this priest.
 I need him to check in about his decisions.
34

36

 Conflict offers us an important opportunity to
serve other people as stewards, grow through
these practices toward a union with Christ
(theosis) (Rom. 8:28-29; 1Cor. 10:31-11:1;
James 1:2-4) and give glory to God.
37

38

Escape Responses the PEACE FAKING
DENIAL
 Temporary Non-solution
 Conflict Avoidance
 Makes things worse
 Blaming the other
FLIGHT
 Postponement of Solution
 Procrastinate/Avoid Conflict
 Some flight is good, Time-out,
Prayer/reflection time, etc.
 Flee/report instances of Abuse, Sexual,
Child, Elder abuse
SUICIDE
 Loss of hope of Conflict Resolution
 Extreme escape
39

Attack Response – PEACE BREAKING
 Win Conflict at all cost over
relationship
 Issues of Rights/Control
ASSAULT
 Use of intimidation, manipulation,
gossip, slander, threats of violence
 Always makes conflict worse
LITIGATION
 Attorney is a “hired gun”
 Adversarial system
 Not necessarily Justice
MURDER/WAR
 Ultimate destruction of opponent
 Dehumanize and destroy
40

PERSONAL PEACEMAKING
OVERLOOK
 Form of forgiveness, No dwelling on issue, Not to let it grow
RECONCILIATION
 Primarily with relational inter-personal issues
 Resolve issues through, truthful acknowledgement and loving correction
 True Forgiveness – “No more will I hold this against you”.
NEGOTIATION
 Material or Financial issues
 Co-operative interest based bargaining process.
 Satisfying legitimate needs of either side
41

ASSISTED PEACEMAKING
MEDIATION
 Objective third party to facilitate discussion
 Focused on developing creative interest based solutions
 Conversational, brainstorming, cooperative process.
ARBITRATION
 Appointment of official third party to listen to arguments and render a decision
 Decisions are legally binding and final not subject to appeal.
ACCOUNTABILITY
 Formal Church Discipline
 Excommunication, Spiritual Court

The stupid neither forgive nor forget; the
naïve forgive and forget; the wise forgive but
do not forget.—Thomas Szasz

 In peace let us pray to the Lord..
 for the peace from above…
 for the peace of the whole world…
 “Peace be with you all.”
We know the priest is not just transmitting
his own peace, but he is transmitting to the
congregation the peace of Christ. And
peace, we know, is a gift from God.
- Met Kallistos Ware
44

If someone says, “I love God,” and hates his
brother, he is a liar; for he who does not
love his brother whom he has seen, how
can he love God whom he has not seen.
And this commandment we have from Him:
that he who loves God must love his
brother also.
45

Therefore, if you bring
your gift to the altar, and
there recall that your
brother has anything
against you, leave your
gift at the altar, go first
and be reconciled with
your brother, and then
come and offer your gift.
46

 In resolving conflict, we trust in God’s
compassion and mercy.
 We take responsibility for the role we have
in the conflict, allowing ourselves to be
restored, and genuinely seek peace and
reconciliation, forgiving each other as
Christ has forgiven us (Matt. 18:15-20; Eph.
4:1-3; Phil. 2:1-5).
47

STEP #1 If your brother sins against you, go
and tell him his fault between you and him
alone. If he hears you, you have gained
your brother.
STEP #2 But if he will not hear, take with you
one or two more; that by the mouth of two
or three witnesses every word may be
established
STEP #3 If he refuses to hear them, tell it to
the church. But if he refuses even to hear
the church, let him be to you as a heathen
and a tax collector.
48

 St Silouan of Mount Athos- ‘Where there is
forgiveness … there is freedom.’
 Only through forgiveness can we enter into
what St Paul terms ‘the freedom of the glory of
the children of God’ - Met Kallistos Ware
 Forgiveness means release from a prison in
which all the doors are locked on the inside.
49

 As many as 70x7 = 490 times (Sacrament of
Confession
 Aphemi – loosing of a debt, freely
unconditionally undeservedly
 Unforgiveness is taking payments on a debt
 Christ like forgiveness – Atoning Sacrifice
 Penal vs. Propitiatory - a payment of a debt
 Forgiveness is a decision involving four
promises…

 I will not dwell on this incident.
 I will not bring this incident up and use it
against you.
 I will not talk to others about this incident.
 I will not allow this incident to stand between
us or hinder ours or others relationships.
51

 A sentimental concept
 A feeling
 Forgetting a Wrong
 Excusing a hurt
 A temporary pardon
 An acceptance of behaviour

 Sunday immediately before
the seven-week Fast of
Great and Holy Lent
 Gospel reading - Matthew
6: 14- ‘If you forgive others
their trespasses, your
heavenly Father will also
forgive you; but if you do
not forgive others, neither
will your Father forgive your
trespasses.’
53

 Ceremony of Mutual
Forgiveness
 Forgiveness is not a feeling
but an action.
 Not primarily our emotions
but our will
 Deeply healing in our
liturgical tradition
 “Thy grace has shone forth
and given light to our
souls.” – Hymn sung
54

All this is from God, who reconciled us to himself
through Christ, and has given us the ministry of
reconciliation; that is, in Christ God was
reconciling the world to himself, not counting
their trespasses against them, and entrusting
the message of reconciliation to us. So we are
ambassadors for Christ, since God is making his
appeal through us; we entreat you on behalf of
Christ, be reconciled to God. 2 Corinthians 5:18-21
56

57

• Who are the individuals that are involved?
• What is (are) the issue(s) that is (are) causing
the conflict?
• What has occurred to reconcile the individuals
(groups)?
• What needs to occur for resolution to happen,
i.e., what are the options that can lead to
forgiveness and reconciliation?
• What are the barriers to achieving this
reconciliation?
• How will these barriers be addressed?
• Who will conduct the conversation
(mediation)?
58

Prepare
Affirm relationships
Understand interests
Search for creative solutions
Evaluate options objectively and reasonably.
59
– Peacemakers ministries

 Greeting
 Creating ground rules
 Opening statements
 Story telling
 Problem identification and clarification
 Explore solutions
 Create and dedicate to an agreement
 Peacemakers Ministries, Foundational Skill
Training
60

 Address those involved
 Avoid if, but, and maybe –
do not excuse your
behavior
 Admit specifically
 Acknowledge the hurt and
express appropriate regret
 Accept the consequences
 Alter your behavior
 Ask for forgiveness
61

 Disciplinary/retribution model
 Mediation model
 Restoration model focusing on a just and
compassionate response by the Church.
 Emphasizes both healing and accountability.
 Sees the abuse in a larger context that includes a
terrible injury to the victim, injury to the
relationships within the parish, the victim’s
family, the diocese, etc.)
63

Planning for...
 The Archdiocese and the Metropolitan
 The Auxiliary Bishop and the Diocese
 The Pastor
 The parish
 The victim-victims
 The family-families
 The larger community
Planning for when.
 Phases – initial response, pastoral visit, etc.
64

Reporting obligations
Briefing on the laws
Pastoral visit to the parish: purpose to
absorb the shock, the pain, the
emotional responses to the situation.
 Message underscores the Church’s condemnation of abuse
in any form.
 States the commitment of the Church to protect everyone
especially the most vulnerable of the flock, e.g., youth,
elderly, those with disabilities.
 Describe the Church’s plan for addressing the specific
allegation being careful to protect privacy
65

 What is happening? When? Civil and Criminal
proceedings? Replacement of pastor
 Highlight the Church’s commitment to
promoting the recovery of victims and families
including financial support for counseling, etc.
 Indicate resources both short and long term for
healing of the parish and parishioners
 Describe the Church’s plan for prevention of
future abuse.
66

 Legal mandates for reporting abuse
 Immediate notification of the Metropolitan and the Auxiliary
Bishop
 Collaboration with the Archdiocesan Offices and counsel to
achieve a clear understanding of the law in this situation and
its implications.
 Transparency of administrative policies and procedures for
handling allegations and protecting due process for the
‘accused’.
 Responding to the media – the need for a skilled professional
to conduct outreach to media and others.
67

 The response to crisis embodies transparency, timely
response, and trust.
 Training in prevention and education concerning crisis
response.
 Careful planning, including who needs help and who does not.
 What type of help should be provided?
 Who will provide that help?
 What teams need to be formed to come into the parish and
work with the pastor and the parishioners?
 What spiritual guidance and consolation is required?
 What issues will influence decision making about timing of
interventions, services, etc.
 What are the resources needed – human and financial?
68

 What questions are yet to be asked and
addressed?
 Develop an educational initiative for preparing
clergy and laity alike to respond to, for
example, sexual abuse.
69

Based on the work of Dr. Jeff Mitchell,
National Center for Crisis Management,
American Academy of Experts in Traumatic
Stress
 Who needs help and who does not?
 What type of help should be provided?
 What is the best time to provide the help?
 Who will provide the help–roles and
responses?
 What issues will influence decision making?
 What resources will it take to provide the
services?
70

Based on the work of Dr. Jeff Mitchell, National
Center for Crisis Management, American
Academy of Experts in Traumatic Stress
A. Assess the situation and its impact on those involved
B. Establish rapport
C. Explore the crisis problem
D. Explore the feelings and reactions of those involved
E. Generate and explore possible alternatives
F. Develop and implement plan - team
G. Monitor implementation of plan-Check on plan’s success and
challenges/needs
H. Make needed adjustments
71

 I need hardly tell the sons of peace how
great is the blessing of peace… for
nothing is so characteristically Christian
as being a peacemaker, and for this
reason our Lord has promised
peacemakers a very high reward” (St Basil
the Great - Letter 114 To Cyriacus).
72

 The last commandment of the Liturgy
 A call to serve and bear witness to the
World
 Not an end of the Liturgy but a beginning
 The liturgy after the Liturgy
 St John Chrysostom – The Two Altars
 Liturgy as a journey- Fr. Alexander
Schmemann
74

 Parish Based Ministry
 Trained Individuals
 Professionals
 Mediate/Intervene in Conflict
 Marital/Familial/Organizational
 Certified Christian Conciliators©
 Teaching a Culture of Peace
75

 Commitment to Personal Peacemaking and
Reconciliation
 Commitment to Preserving Marriages
 Commitment to Protecting Children
 Commitment to Confidentiality
 Commitment to Accountability and Church
Discipline
76

 Poirier, A. (2006). The Peacemaking Pastor: A
Biblical Guide to Resolving Church Conflict.
Grand Rapids, MI: Baker Books
 Sande, K. (1997). The Peacemaker: A biblical
guide to resolving personal conflict. 2nd ed.
Grand Rapids, MI: Baker Books
77

 www.swisspeace.ch/.../Goodhand_Jonathan_Cond
ucting_Conflict_ Assessments.pdf
 http://www.beyondintractability.org/essay/conflic
t-assessment
 http://web.mit.edu/publicdisputes/practice/cbh_
ch2.html
 www.saferworld.org.uk/downloads/pubdocs/chapt
er_2__266.pdf
 http://www.dadalos.org/frieden_int/grundkurs_4/
analyse.htm
78

 http://www.mheducation.ca/college/mcshane4/st
udent/olc/4obm_sa_13.html
 http://www.austincc.edu/colangelo/1318/conflict
surveys.htm
 http://highered.mheducation.com/sites/00733812
25/student_view0/chapter10/self-
assessment_10_3.html
 http://www.ncsu.edu/grad/preparing-future-
leaders/docs/conflict-management-styles-quiz.pdf
 http://www.kilmanndiagnostics.com/catalog/thom
as-kilmann-conflict-mode-instrument
79

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