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JOURNAL OF PALLIATIVE MEDICINE
Volume 8, Number 2, 2005
Š Mary Ann Liebert, Inc.




            Healing the Healer: Poetry in Palliative Care

                 JACK COULEHAN, M.D., M.P.H. and PATRICK CLARY, M.D.




                                               ABSTRACT

Background: Poetry plays an age-old role in the art of healing. Although medicine today seems
distant from the world of poetic expression, there are surprising commonalities between the
two.
   Objectives: In this essay we reflect on three aspects of healing that are fostered by poetry.
   Observations: Practicing medicine with too many facts and not enough poetry leads to dis-
satisfaction, disappointment, and impaired healing, especially in the care of the terminally
ill. Likewise, poetry deficiency cuts off an important avenue for physician self-awareness and
reflectivity. Alternatively, three aspects of healing are fostered by poetry: the power of the
word to heal (and also harm); the skill of “negative capability” that enhances physician ef-
fectiveness; and empathic connection, or compassionate presence, a relationship that heals
without words.
   Conclusion: Reading and writing poetry can help physicians, especially those who care for
dying patients, become more reflective, creative, and compassionate practitioners.



N    EAR THE END of his wonderful late poem, “As-
     phodel, That Greeny Flower,” the physi-
cian–poet William Carlos Williams writes,
                                                       lack/of what is found there.” This suggests that
                                                       poetry, despite its lack of newsworthiness, con-
                                                       tains an essential nutrient, the absence of which
                                                       is ultimately fatal. We might, for example, imag-
                    It is difficult                    ine this condition to be pellagra of the personal-
            to get the news from poems                 ity, or scurvy of the soul. But does this claim make
          yet men die miserably every day              sense? If poetry is neither practical nor current,
                       for lack                        what essential nutrient could it contain?
              of what is found there.1                    In “Asphodel,” which is actually a love poem
                                                       to the poet’s long-suffering wife, Williams uses
   These lines capture a paradox important to the      the word “poetry” in a very broad sense. Poetry
experience of clinicians in general and, especially,   represents the world of creativity and imagina-
to those who care for seriously ill and dying pa-      tion; in other words, the fruit of our human de-
tients. Everyone would agree that the first state-     sire to discover meaning in the world and in our
ment—“It is difficult / to get the news from po-       lives. We do this in many ways: through music,
ems”—is self-evident. Poetry provides us with          painting, drama, and the other arts, as well as
very little hard data; it tells us nothing about the   through the gifts of spirituality and reflective liv-
latest diagnostic and therapeutic developments.        ing. In this context poetry in the narrow sense—
However, the second statement delivers the             words arranged on paper—is only one of many
paradox—“Yet men die miserably every day/for           forms of poetry. In this essay we will take the


  Department of Preventive Medicine, State University of New York at Stony Brook, Stony Brook, New York.

                                                    382
POETRY IN PALLIATIVE CARE                                                                              383

broader perspective and interpret Williams’ lines      plant and has had an above-the-knee amputation
to mean, “Yet clinicians experience estrangement       of his right leg. He is divorced, but has a devoted
and burnout every day because they clutter their       college-aged daughter who takes care of him. He
lives with news, while being inattentive to the in-    also has numerous brothers and sisters who seem
ner world and suppressing their imagination.”          always to be yelling at one another. He has been
                                                       admitted to the hospital for a myocardial infarc-
                                                       tion, which leads to bypass surgery, followed by
          THE MIRROR AND THE                           pneumonia, septicemia, and virulent gangrene of
          FACE IN THE MIRROR                           his toes, and later his penis and fingertips.
                                                          The patient is dying alone, although sur-
   Jane Kenyon’s Otherwise is a collection of her      rounded both by a demanding family and a top-
poems published after she died in 1995 of acute        notch surgical team trailing clouds of consultants.
leukemia.2 Many of these poems have great spir-        Similar to Tolstoy’s character Ivan Ilych, he finds
itual depth and seem to have arisen from her con-      himself embedded in the Lie. His surgeons ex-
frontation with terminal illness. How beautifully      plain that none of his medical conditions is “in it-
elegiac she became while facing her own virulent       self” terminal; that in fact, his parameters are im-
leukemia! Yet, her widower Donald Hall explains        proving. His family blames the medical team for
that the poems we admire so much were actually         not doing enough to save him and they offer an-
written before her own diagnosis, while she was        gry but conflicting proposals about what to do.
caring for him and anticipating his death from         His pain is extraordinary, especially during the
advanced colon cancer. Who would have thought          frequent dressing changes, but he accepts his sib-
that Hall, who had undergone a lobectomy for           lings’ protestations, supported by the heroic sur-
liver metastases, would outlive his much younger       geon, that he should tough it out like a man.
and presumably healthy wife? But as Rumi               When he dies, the death seems a surprise to all
wrote, “The same wind that uproots trees/makes         concerned, as if each family and team member
the grasses shine . . . ”3 Donald Hall says of his     were awakened from a dream that bore little re-
caregiving at the end of his wife’s life, “I don’t     lationship to the poor, suffering human being
know how anyone can do this work that doesn’t          who had smelled like death for weeks.
write poetry.”                                            This case is full of facts, some true and some
   How can any clinician care for the dying with-      false, but what it lacks is poetry. More specifi-
out access to his or her own inner life? Poetry for    cally, it lacks a glimmer of light, a sense of con-
us seems, “the mirror as well as the face in it,” as   nectedness, an authentic voice. In our experience
Rumi says, in Coleman Bark’s translation, “We          many deaths are like his—denial, distance, dis-
are tasting the taste this minute of eternity.”3       appointment. The Holocaust survivor Victor
   Curative medicine is more apt to use the            Frankl wrote, “Man is not destroyed by suffering,
metaphor of war than of mirror and reflection.         he is destroyed by suffering without meaning.”4
We tend to see ourselves as warriors, disease as       In this case the patient appears to have died with-
an enemy, and the patient as a battleground. We        out meaning, in part because none of the care-
fight rearguard actions in the intensive care unit     givers was able to make the needed connection,
(ICU) against overwhelming odds, blitzing infec-       or become close enough to serve as the, “mirror
tions with “killacillin.” We cultivate the thou-       as well as the face in it.”3
sand-yard stare of the infantry veteran. Thus, it         We have all seen amazing things in the care of
is difficult to see ourselves in the mirrors of dy-    the dying. Our patients teach us about the pres-
ing patients’ faces until we can find a way to cross   ence of both loss and gain as they learn to accept
this self-protective distance. We can empathize        the inevitable. Ira Byock writes that growth at the
with them only by understanding that we are all        end of life is normative, an expected phenome-
on the same journey. Our bridge can be the sim-        non that we can use to measure the quality of
ple recognition that while not all of us can be        care.5 Somehow the despair we expect with the
cured, all of us can contribute to healing.            approach of death merges with the joy of cele-
   But often the needed connection is missing.         brating truths about our lives that we discover in
Consider the case of a man in his late 40s dying of    the process of dying; as Rumi again suggests,
the complications of diabetes. He has been on dial-    “The way of love is not /a subtle argument. /The
ysis for several years after a failed kidney trans-    door there /is devastation.”3
384                                                                           COULEHAN AND CLARY

   In this essay we reflect on the value of poetry      querable force, the quality of the struggle be-
in promoting reflective practice among palliative       comes central, as the outcomes are never in
care clinicians. In particular, we suggest that po-     doubt.
etry: enhances our understanding that words are            The unpoetic or nonimaginative approach to
powerful instruments that can heal (and also            dying patients (“just looking for the news”) may
harm); helps us to develop the skill of “negative       harm them through the use of negative words
capability;” and fosters empathic connection, or        and metaphors. The cardiologist who exhorts his
compassionate presence, a relationship that is in       patient to think of his heart as “a ticking time
itself healing. We base our discussion here on the      bomb” may think he is motivating compliance
value to practitioners of reading, discussing, and      when in fact he is putting an explosive metaphor
internalizing poetry, although taking the next          between the patient and his life. A family physi-
step—writing poems—may stimulate additional             cian who predicts to her emphysema patient that
insight and understanding.                              death will be “like drowning” may never see the
                                                        strangling effect of her prognosis. The oncologist
                                                        who says “there is no other choice” but aggres-
      THE WORD IS AN INSTRUMENT                         sive chemotherapy has little empathy or imagi-
                                                        nation.
   In 1910 William Osler published an essay enti-
tled, “The Faith That Heals.”6 Osler noted that
while his colleagues viewed the practices and                     NEGATIVE CAPABILITY
paraphernalia that filled Johns Hopkins Hospital
as objective and scientific, patients inevitably ex-       John Keats, himself a physician–poet, used the
perienced the same items as a vast network of           term negative capability” to describe the ability
symbols that promote healing. Consider our con-         to hold and cherish opposites in one’s mind at the
temporary hospitals—the white coats, stetho-            same time.8 Keats went on to characterize this at-
scopes, and beepers. The ritual of daily rounds.        tribute as the ability to live, “in uncertainties,
The ceremony of physical examination. Consider          mysteries, doubts, without any irritable reaching
the magnetic resonance imaging (MRI) scanner as         after fact and reason.”8 Negative capability is an
a coffin-like oracle that reveals the soul and one’s    essential skill for poets, but we believe it is also
emergence from it a type of resurrection. Or con-       important in medical practice. “Reaching after
sider the treadmill, a Sisyphean task that pits the     fact and reason” is, of course, a defining feature
human heart against its fate. Every one of these        of scientific medicine, but only so far as it serves
procedures, whatever its intended scientific ef-        the goal of patient care. The word “irritable” is
fect, is also a symbol that bestows meaning. As         the key to understanding negative capability in
Osler wrote, “Nothing in life is more wonderful         medicine. Clinicians confront human reality that
than faith—the one great moving force which we          remains opaque even after all the machines and
can neither weigh in the balance nor test in the        laboratory tests have yielded their results. When
crucible. Intangible as the ether . . . ”6 He went      dealing with individual patients, we rarely have
on to explain that the symbolic network of mod-         all the information we might be able to use. Yet,
ern medicine generates, “an atmosphere of opti-         if we postpone (or ignore) care in order to “irri-
mism . . . that work(s) just the same sort of cures     tably” search for additional data, or avoid the pa-
as did Asklepios.”6                                     tient if we experience “uncertainties, mysteries,
   While medically spoken words can reverberate         doubts,” then we are unlikely to practice effec-
with human meaning, the words of poetry can             tive medicine. The good clinician learns to func-
provide palliative care clinicians with a more hu-      tion in the face of uncertainty and ambiguity—
mane way of understanding and responding to             nowhere is this clearer than in palliative
their work. Using poetry we can reframe the             medicine, where the healer encounters an almost
negative war mentality and “death as failure”           inexpressible alloy of hope and despair.
metaphor that pervade so much of medical prac-             How can poetry be used to teach and to sus-
tice. Robert Bly’s translation of Rilke suggests that   tain negative capability? Because poetry comes
people grow, “by being defeated, decisively, /by        close to being able to express the inexpressible, it
constantly greater beings.”7 In our confrontations      may provide a voice for levels of experience and
with the Angel of Death, as with any uncon-             meaning that cannot be captured by reasoning or
POETRY IN PALLIATIVE CARE                                                                               385

ordinary discussion. It is true that poetry can be     suffering is one pillar upon which the concept of
opaque as well as a shimmering window or mir-          clinical detachment rests. A second pillar is the
ror. Reading a poem can sometimes be difficult,        belief that clear-headed decision making—the
like struggling with Rilke’s Dark Angel. One way       ability to weigh probabilities accurately and to
to grow within this struggle is to learn the poem      correct for biases—requires a neutral mental en-
by heart. Memory rejects the unintelligible. In        vironment because emotions impair reasoning.
working to remember a poem (as in working with            We acknowledge the tension between objec-
a patient) you deepen your understanding of its        tivity and subjectivity in clinical practice but, far
sense. You also find pleasure in the poem’s            from being a threat, we believe the art of medi-
sound, especially if you say it out loud. Asso-        cine lies in the ability (“negative capability”) to
nance, rhythm, and repetition lead you through         function effectively in this environment—in fact,
the poem to its center. This does not happen with      to use mystery and ambiguity to the patient’s
every poem, but when it does happen, you may           benefit.11 Medical practice requires us to make
develop a sense of how the poet sees into the          leaps of meaning each day. The physician might
heart of the world; in a small sense, gaining ac-      be talking to a patient or thinking about a case,
cess to the unsayable.                                 and suddenly he or she sees the problem in a dif-
                                                       ferent way. The diagnosis becomes clear. Or af-
                                                       ter fruitless mucking around in the ambiguity of
       COMPASSIONATE PRESENCE                          illness, the physician suddenly discovers the
                                                       word that heals. We sometimes call these leaps of
   In his photographic essay, A Fortunate Man,         meaning “intuition” or “clinical judgment.” This
John Berger describes the life of John Sassall, a      is not to deny that they can (and should) be care-
general practitioner in rural England. For Sassall     fully dissected and studied. Yet, the immediate
the doctor’s central task is “individual and closely   “Eureka!” of seeing something in a new way is
intimate recognition” of the patient, “If the man      much like the experience of a poem.
can begin to feel recognized—and such recogni-            Consider the first two poems in Appendix A
tion may well include aspects of his character         as examples of the “Eureka!” experience. In the
which he has not yet recognized himself—the            first the poet–physician describes a quiet early
hopeless nature of his unhappiness will have           morning encounter with a patient who has had
been changed . . . ”9 Sassall is a good doctor, “Be-   part of his face removed because of cancer. Here,
cause he meets the deep but unformulated ex-           as in the following example, the intuition has
pectation of the sick for a sense of fraternity. He    nothing to do with the medical diagnosis as such,
recognizes them.”9 Sassall “does not believe in        but rather it creates an imaginative space that
maintaining his imaginative distance: he must          confers new meaning to the situation. “This man
come close enough to recognize the patient             is the man in the moon.”12 What does this
fully.”9 This recognition of the patient’s subjec-     metaphor mean? Logic and reason are not very
tivity is a function of empathy, which creates the     helpful in answering this question. The metaphor
connection that the narrative dimension of med-        arises from the arctic landscape in the preceding
icine requires.                                        stanzas, but clearly goes beyond them—in an
   This description seems out of place in contem-      epiphany whose emotional tone is nocturnal,
porary medical schools and hospitals, where the        cool, and mysterious. In contrast, in the second
orthodoxy holds that physicians should value de-       poem the doctor caring for “The Six Hundred
tachment and approach their patients with de-          Pound Man” experiences a more frenzied and
tached concern, rather than “intimate recogni-         physical epiphany, closer to the healing ecstasy
tion.” Today’s orthodoxy is based on the belief        of the traditional shamans he invokes.13
that empathic connection with the patient—or
compassionate presence—hinders objectivity. In
her essay “Metaphor and Memory,” Cynthia Oz-                      REFLECTIVE PRACTICE
ick observed that physicians cultivate detach-
ment from their patients because they are afraid          Some think that poetry and medical practice
of finding themselves “too frail . . . to enter into   make strange—or perhaps even illicit—bedfel-
psychological twinship with the even frailer souls     lows. For example, Susan Sontag argues in Illness
of the sick.”10 This fear of being overwhelmed by      as Metaphor that we should attempt to eliminate
386                                                                             COULEHAN AND CLARY

metaphor from our thinking about illness.14 Just       the moment, and perhaps to find hope in the im-
the facts, ma’am. No frills. No cultural baggage.      mediacy of his everyday experience. However,
No connection with art or literature. Ideally, she     the narrator seems unable to “go with the flow”
argues, we should reduce illness and suffering to      on this. Rather, he tries to deceive Alfred and ex-
their biologic components and avoid attributing        periences feelings of guilt that are not assuaged
meaning. To Sontag, cancer is simply and pre-          by music or exercise.
cisely a malignant transformation of tissue and           In the final example, the poet presents several
not “the enemy within.” Whatever cancer or dy-         standard lessons taught by hospice nurses in the
ing might mean to the patient, that meaning            form of a series of messages to the poet’s dead
should be of no concern to the physician.              brother. The imperative statements he illustrates
   If this were true, physicians would have less       (e.g., “Express gratitude”) are abstract and cold;
need as professionals to understand themselves         however, the poem elucidates these sentiments as
and their emotional reactions to seriously ill pa-     miniature narratives that are vibrant and far
tients, or to explore the feelings and beliefs of      deeper than the statements themselves. In poetry
these patients. However, Sontag created a need-        the unsayable may arise from love, hope, yearn-
less furor by overgeneralizing a narrow point—         ing, loss, anger, or, in this case, even from didac-
perhaps negative cultural metaphors do in some         tic instruction.
cases prevent ill persons from seeking help.
For example, if human immunodeficiency virus
(HIV) is considered to be a shameful punishment                          CONCLUSION
from God, a patient may well wish to keep his
condition secret and acquiesce to the illness. Yet,       In this essay we have suggested that palliative
no seriously ill person can experience his or her      care clinicians need poetry in their lives. While
condition without attributing personal signifi-        such poetry can be understood in the broad sense
cance to it, which generally does not inhibit care.    as spontaneity, creativity and imagination, we fo-
Likewise, clinicians who care for such patients        cus on poetry in the strict sense—words on pa-
have a need to integrate and reflect on their ex-      per—and contend that reading, discussing, inter-
perience.                                              nalizing, and writing it can help us to become
   Modern commentators have stressed the need          more reflective practitioners in various ways. For
for physicians to understand their own beliefs,        one, poetry teaches us the power of words, sym-
feelings, attitudes, and response patterns. One        bols, and metaphor to influence our patients.
of this view’s earliest proponents was Michael         Having learned this, we are better able to modu-
Balint, a British psychiatrist who focused attention   late our interactions with them to promote heal-
on the therapeutic power of the physician–patient      ing. Moreover, we may go a step further and uti-
interaction with his aphorism, “The doctor is the      lize selected poems as therapy to capture or
drug.”15 Balint encouraged physicians to meet reg-     transform a patient’s experience.
ularly in small groups to discuss their difficulties      Poetry also encourages the development of
with and personal reactions to patients. We believe    negative capability. A poem may have multiple,
that reading, writing, discussing, and internalizing   and sometimes conflicting, meanings. “Listen-
selected poems can serve as another avenue to self-    ing” to a poem often requires patience and re-
knowledge, preferably when used as an adjunct to       spect. Perhaps the best example of such respect
group process.                                         is in learning the poem by heart and internaliz-
   We will end with two examples of self-con-          ing its rhythm and voice. Finally, poetry fosters
sciously reflective poems. “The Azalea Poem”           our ability to make the leap of empathy and,
(see Appendix A) processes the writer’s feelings       therefore, fully recognize our patients. Such
about lying to a patient dying of acquired im-         recognition helps us to stand beside them in com-
mune deficiency syndrome (AIDS). In this case          passionate presence.
the lie—that Alfred will live through the long
winter—comes across as a weak, reflexive re-
sponse to the patient’s question, rather than a                           REFERENCES
principled response based on a perceived need
for “hope.” The narrator contrasts his own linear       1. Williams WC: Asphodel, that greeny flower. In: Se-
approach to time with Alfred’s ability to live in          lected Poems. New York: New Directions, 1985, p. 302.
POETRY IN PALLIATIVE CARE                                                                                              387

 2. Kenyon J: Otherwise: New and Selected Poems. St Paul,      12. Coulehan J: The man with a hole in his face. First Pho-
    Minnesota: Graywolf Press, 1996, p. 240.                       tographs of Heaven. Troy, Maine: Nightshade Press, 1991.
 3. Rumi J: The Essential Rumi, translated by Coleman          13. Coulehan J: The six hundred pound man. In: Medicine
    Barks with John Moyne, Harper, San Francisco 1995.             Stone, Santa Barbara, CA: Fithian Press, 2002.
 4. Frankl V: Man’s Search for Meaning, revised ed. New        14. Sontag S. Illness as Metapho. New York: Farrar, Straus
    York: Washington Square Press, 1997.                           and Giroux, 1978.
 5. Byock I: Dying Well: The Prospect of Growth at the End     15. Balint M: The Doctor, His Patient and the Illness. New
    of Life. Riverhead Books, p. 299.                              York: International Universities Press, 1972.
 6. Osler W: The faith that heals, Br Med J 1910);             16. Coulehan J: The azalea poem. In: Belli A, Coulehan J
    1470–1472.                                                     (eds: Blood & Bone: Poems by Physicians. Iowa City,
 7. Rilke RM: Selected Poems of Rainer Maria Rilke, trans-         University of Iowa Press, 1998.
    lated by Robert Bly, Harper, 1981.                         17. Clary P: Five tasks. J. Med. Humanities, 2001;22:87–91.
 8. Keats J: Letter to George and Thomas Keats, Decem-
    ber 21, 1817. Quoted in Ward A. John Keats: The Mak-                             Address reprint requests to:
    ing of a Poet. New York, The Viking Press, 1963, p. 161.                          Jack Coulehan, M.D., M.P.H.
 9. Berger J, Mohr J: A Fortunate Man. New York: Pan-                          Department of Preventive Medicine
    theon Books, 1967, pp. 75–77.
                                                                                                      HSC L3-086
10. Ozick C: Metaphor and memory. In: Metaphor and
    Memory: Essays. New York: Knopf, 1989, pp. 265–283                State University of New York at Stony Brook
11. Coulehan J: Tenderness and steadiness: emotions in                                Stony Brook, NY 11794-8036
    medical practice, Lit. Med, 1995;14:222–236.
                                                                           E-mail: jcoulehan@notes.cc.sunysb.edu


                                                     Appendix A

The Man with a Hole in His Face

He has the lower part,                                         The man’s eye does not close
a crescent of face                                             because any blink
on the right, and an eye                                       is death,

that sits precipitously                                        nor does the eye rest
beside the moist hole                                          in mine
where the rest of his face was.                                when I ask the questions
                                                               he is weary of answering.
The hole is stuffed
with curls of gauze.                                           While I wait here quietly
                                                               in arctic waste,
His nurse comes before dawn,                                   the pack ice cracks
at the moment                                                  with terrifying songs
the eye fears for its balance,
                                                               and over the moist hole
and fills the wound,                                           where the rest of his face was,
sculpting a tortured landscape                                 he rises.
of pack ice.
                                                               This man is the man in the moon.

                                                                                                              Coulehan12
388                                                                       COULEHAN AND CLARY

The Six Hundred Pound Man

Of the six hundred pound man on two beds,         in search of healers, singers
nothing remains,                                  who wrestle souls of old bodies
not the bleariness with which he moved his eyes   back to bones, back to dirt, and back back
nor the warm oil curling in his beard.            to their beginnings.

Though the sheets and plastic bags are gone,      As I enter for the first time
his grunts, his kind acceptance gone,             this medicine circle,
I see him now, rising in the distance,            bearing chickens in honor of the god,
an island, mountainous                            words dancing from my lips,
and hooded with impenetrable vine.
                                                  spirit like the plume of a child’s volcano
When I awaken to the death                        rises
of the six hundred pound man
and cannot sleep again,                           and then the medicine, the medicine is good
I paddle to his shore                             and the tongues, the tongues are dancing
                                                  and the fathers, oh! the fathers are dancing
in search of those flamboyant trees
that flame his flanks,                            and this worthless and alien body,
in search of bougainvillea                        this six hundred pound man,
blossoming his thighs,                            I discover him beautiful.
of women who rise to touch him
tenderly with ointment,                                                                        Coulehan13




The Azalea Poem

The hope I handed Alfred                          spoke line and verse. This month
when he asked about his skin                      his legs
seems so cheaply false                            are smoldering with death.
since I came home,
so quick, so colored by my need.                  I used to wish whole clots of time
                                                  would disappear.
And my work-out                                   In another month, my madness told me,
on the weight machine                             I’d make my next goal
to Mahler’s Third was not                         and be happier. Between the points—
what I had hoped for. My form,                    tedious fiber.
which has always had the urge
to be a pear, is sour                             Today is a taste of heaven,
and inelastic. How nylon-light                    Alfred said.
my youth would be                                 Cooking supper for Steve, he said.
if I were living it today!                        The breath of woods behind our house
                                                  is the best in life, he told me
Alfred’s young.                                   and asked if he would live to see
Last month a vivid growth                         azaleas bloom. And I said, yes.
between his toes
                                                                                               Coulehan16
POETRY IN PALLIATIVE CARE                                                                                  389

Five Tasks Taught by Hospice Nurses

                   for my brother

                   1. Say Goodbye                                         4. Affirm Affection

You called me at work to ask for a loan                  I love you
And said goodbye as sweetly as if I’d said yes.          For being obvious about loving me
I was unhappy, & probably rude.                          When I was fifteen and
It was the last time we talked.                          Thought I couldn’t bear to be loved.
                                                         You were too young to know better.
               2. Express Forgiveness                    You were so alive,
                                                         Your death seemed impossible—
I forgive you for stepping over the edge,                If you could die everyone would.
Wearing a roofer’s safety harness
Clipped stylishly to nothing,                                            5. Express Gratitude
Momentary angel over Arizona.
                                                         Thank you for giving me back
When you were seven                                      My lost family and Montana,
You flew the swing set outside                           Where we scattered your ashes
Our Chilean house through an earthquake                  According to your instructions:
As walls and ceilings collapsed into themselves.         Up Big Creek Canyon and
“More, make it do that again!”                           On the hundred-year
                                                         Flood plain of the Bitterroot River.
Your life was not as short as I feared                   West Yellowstone burned all the week
Nor as long as I hoped.                                  Of your death, frosting windshields white in July.

               3. Request Forgiveness                    Now, when I visit—and I visit often—I do work I love,
                                                         While I stay in a lodge built ten years ago
Forgive me for not lending you the money                 Of first-growth timber
To buy that motorcycle,                                  Salvaged from that fire.
For not admiring your poetry,
For never taking a photograph of you with my sons.       Now I see: living is a kind of slow burning,
Forgive me for not wrestling with you into more          And love is what we salvage from the fire.
Sunsets the summer before I was drafted.
Forgive me for being your imitation angel,                                                              Clary17
For leaving you with that elephant in the living room.
Forgive me for living.
Poetry in Palliative Care

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Poetry in Palliative Care

  • 1. JOURNAL OF PALLIATIVE MEDICINE Volume 8, Number 2, 2005 Š Mary Ann Liebert, Inc. Healing the Healer: Poetry in Palliative Care JACK COULEHAN, M.D., M.P.H. and PATRICK CLARY, M.D. ABSTRACT Background: Poetry plays an age-old role in the art of healing. Although medicine today seems distant from the world of poetic expression, there are surprising commonalities between the two. Objectives: In this essay we reflect on three aspects of healing that are fostered by poetry. Observations: Practicing medicine with too many facts and not enough poetry leads to dis- satisfaction, disappointment, and impaired healing, especially in the care of the terminally ill. Likewise, poetry deficiency cuts off an important avenue for physician self-awareness and reflectivity. Alternatively, three aspects of healing are fostered by poetry: the power of the word to heal (and also harm); the skill of “negative capability” that enhances physician ef- fectiveness; and empathic connection, or compassionate presence, a relationship that heals without words. Conclusion: Reading and writing poetry can help physicians, especially those who care for dying patients, become more reflective, creative, and compassionate practitioners. N EAR THE END of his wonderful late poem, “As- phodel, That Greeny Flower,” the physi- cian–poet William Carlos Williams writes, lack/of what is found there.” This suggests that poetry, despite its lack of newsworthiness, con- tains an essential nutrient, the absence of which is ultimately fatal. We might, for example, imag- It is difficult ine this condition to be pellagra of the personal- to get the news from poems ity, or scurvy of the soul. But does this claim make yet men die miserably every day sense? If poetry is neither practical nor current, for lack what essential nutrient could it contain? of what is found there.1 In “Asphodel,” which is actually a love poem to the poet’s long-suffering wife, Williams uses These lines capture a paradox important to the the word “poetry” in a very broad sense. Poetry experience of clinicians in general and, especially, represents the world of creativity and imagina- to those who care for seriously ill and dying pa- tion; in other words, the fruit of our human de- tients. Everyone would agree that the first state- sire to discover meaning in the world and in our ment—“It is difficult / to get the news from po- lives. We do this in many ways: through music, ems”—is self-evident. Poetry provides us with painting, drama, and the other arts, as well as very little hard data; it tells us nothing about the through the gifts of spirituality and reflective liv- latest diagnostic and therapeutic developments. ing. In this context poetry in the narrow sense— However, the second statement delivers the words arranged on paper—is only one of many paradox—“Yet men die miserably every day/for forms of poetry. In this essay we will take the Department of Preventive Medicine, State University of New York at Stony Brook, Stony Brook, New York. 382
  • 2. POETRY IN PALLIATIVE CARE 383 broader perspective and interpret Williams’ lines plant and has had an above-the-knee amputation to mean, “Yet clinicians experience estrangement of his right leg. He is divorced, but has a devoted and burnout every day because they clutter their college-aged daughter who takes care of him. He lives with news, while being inattentive to the in- also has numerous brothers and sisters who seem ner world and suppressing their imagination.” always to be yelling at one another. He has been admitted to the hospital for a myocardial infarc- tion, which leads to bypass surgery, followed by THE MIRROR AND THE pneumonia, septicemia, and virulent gangrene of FACE IN THE MIRROR his toes, and later his penis and fingertips. The patient is dying alone, although sur- Jane Kenyon’s Otherwise is a collection of her rounded both by a demanding family and a top- poems published after she died in 1995 of acute notch surgical team trailing clouds of consultants. leukemia.2 Many of these poems have great spir- Similar to Tolstoy’s character Ivan Ilych, he finds itual depth and seem to have arisen from her con- himself embedded in the Lie. His surgeons ex- frontation with terminal illness. How beautifully plain that none of his medical conditions is “in it- elegiac she became while facing her own virulent self” terminal; that in fact, his parameters are im- leukemia! Yet, her widower Donald Hall explains proving. His family blames the medical team for that the poems we admire so much were actually not doing enough to save him and they offer an- written before her own diagnosis, while she was gry but conflicting proposals about what to do. caring for him and anticipating his death from His pain is extraordinary, especially during the advanced colon cancer. Who would have thought frequent dressing changes, but he accepts his sib- that Hall, who had undergone a lobectomy for lings’ protestations, supported by the heroic sur- liver metastases, would outlive his much younger geon, that he should tough it out like a man. and presumably healthy wife? But as Rumi When he dies, the death seems a surprise to all wrote, “The same wind that uproots trees/makes concerned, as if each family and team member the grasses shine . . . ”3 Donald Hall says of his were awakened from a dream that bore little re- caregiving at the end of his wife’s life, “I don’t lationship to the poor, suffering human being know how anyone can do this work that doesn’t who had smelled like death for weeks. write poetry.” This case is full of facts, some true and some How can any clinician care for the dying with- false, but what it lacks is poetry. More specifi- out access to his or her own inner life? Poetry for cally, it lacks a glimmer of light, a sense of con- us seems, “the mirror as well as the face in it,” as nectedness, an authentic voice. In our experience Rumi says, in Coleman Bark’s translation, “We many deaths are like his—denial, distance, dis- are tasting the taste this minute of eternity.”3 appointment. The Holocaust survivor Victor Curative medicine is more apt to use the Frankl wrote, “Man is not destroyed by suffering, metaphor of war than of mirror and reflection. he is destroyed by suffering without meaning.”4 We tend to see ourselves as warriors, disease as In this case the patient appears to have died with- an enemy, and the patient as a battleground. We out meaning, in part because none of the care- fight rearguard actions in the intensive care unit givers was able to make the needed connection, (ICU) against overwhelming odds, blitzing infec- or become close enough to serve as the, “mirror tions with “killacillin.” We cultivate the thou- as well as the face in it.”3 sand-yard stare of the infantry veteran. Thus, it We have all seen amazing things in the care of is difficult to see ourselves in the mirrors of dy- the dying. Our patients teach us about the pres- ing patients’ faces until we can find a way to cross ence of both loss and gain as they learn to accept this self-protective distance. We can empathize the inevitable. Ira Byock writes that growth at the with them only by understanding that we are all end of life is normative, an expected phenome- on the same journey. Our bridge can be the sim- non that we can use to measure the quality of ple recognition that while not all of us can be care.5 Somehow the despair we expect with the cured, all of us can contribute to healing. approach of death merges with the joy of cele- But often the needed connection is missing. brating truths about our lives that we discover in Consider the case of a man in his late 40s dying of the process of dying; as Rumi again suggests, the complications of diabetes. He has been on dial- “The way of love is not /a subtle argument. /The ysis for several years after a failed kidney trans- door there /is devastation.”3
  • 3. 384 COULEHAN AND CLARY In this essay we reflect on the value of poetry querable force, the quality of the struggle be- in promoting reflective practice among palliative comes central, as the outcomes are never in care clinicians. In particular, we suggest that po- doubt. etry: enhances our understanding that words are The unpoetic or nonimaginative approach to powerful instruments that can heal (and also dying patients (“just looking for the news”) may harm); helps us to develop the skill of “negative harm them through the use of negative words capability;” and fosters empathic connection, or and metaphors. The cardiologist who exhorts his compassionate presence, a relationship that is in patient to think of his heart as “a ticking time itself healing. We base our discussion here on the bomb” may think he is motivating compliance value to practitioners of reading, discussing, and when in fact he is putting an explosive metaphor internalizing poetry, although taking the next between the patient and his life. A family physi- step—writing poems—may stimulate additional cian who predicts to her emphysema patient that insight and understanding. death will be “like drowning” may never see the strangling effect of her prognosis. The oncologist who says “there is no other choice” but aggres- THE WORD IS AN INSTRUMENT sive chemotherapy has little empathy or imagi- nation. In 1910 William Osler published an essay enti- tled, “The Faith That Heals.”6 Osler noted that while his colleagues viewed the practices and NEGATIVE CAPABILITY paraphernalia that filled Johns Hopkins Hospital as objective and scientific, patients inevitably ex- John Keats, himself a physician–poet, used the perienced the same items as a vast network of term negative capability” to describe the ability symbols that promote healing. Consider our con- to hold and cherish opposites in one’s mind at the temporary hospitals—the white coats, stetho- same time.8 Keats went on to characterize this at- scopes, and beepers. The ritual of daily rounds. tribute as the ability to live, “in uncertainties, The ceremony of physical examination. Consider mysteries, doubts, without any irritable reaching the magnetic resonance imaging (MRI) scanner as after fact and reason.”8 Negative capability is an a coffin-like oracle that reveals the soul and one’s essential skill for poets, but we believe it is also emergence from it a type of resurrection. Or con- important in medical practice. “Reaching after sider the treadmill, a Sisyphean task that pits the fact and reason” is, of course, a defining feature human heart against its fate. Every one of these of scientific medicine, but only so far as it serves procedures, whatever its intended scientific ef- the goal of patient care. The word “irritable” is fect, is also a symbol that bestows meaning. As the key to understanding negative capability in Osler wrote, “Nothing in life is more wonderful medicine. Clinicians confront human reality that than faith—the one great moving force which we remains opaque even after all the machines and can neither weigh in the balance nor test in the laboratory tests have yielded their results. When crucible. Intangible as the ether . . . ”6 He went dealing with individual patients, we rarely have on to explain that the symbolic network of mod- all the information we might be able to use. Yet, ern medicine generates, “an atmosphere of opti- if we postpone (or ignore) care in order to “irri- mism . . . that work(s) just the same sort of cures tably” search for additional data, or avoid the pa- as did Asklepios.”6 tient if we experience “uncertainties, mysteries, While medically spoken words can reverberate doubts,” then we are unlikely to practice effec- with human meaning, the words of poetry can tive medicine. The good clinician learns to func- provide palliative care clinicians with a more hu- tion in the face of uncertainty and ambiguity— mane way of understanding and responding to nowhere is this clearer than in palliative their work. Using poetry we can reframe the medicine, where the healer encounters an almost negative war mentality and “death as failure” inexpressible alloy of hope and despair. metaphor that pervade so much of medical prac- How can poetry be used to teach and to sus- tice. Robert Bly’s translation of Rilke suggests that tain negative capability? Because poetry comes people grow, “by being defeated, decisively, /by close to being able to express the inexpressible, it constantly greater beings.”7 In our confrontations may provide a voice for levels of experience and with the Angel of Death, as with any uncon- meaning that cannot be captured by reasoning or
  • 4. POETRY IN PALLIATIVE CARE 385 ordinary discussion. It is true that poetry can be suffering is one pillar upon which the concept of opaque as well as a shimmering window or mir- clinical detachment rests. A second pillar is the ror. Reading a poem can sometimes be difficult, belief that clear-headed decision making—the like struggling with Rilke’s Dark Angel. One way ability to weigh probabilities accurately and to to grow within this struggle is to learn the poem correct for biases—requires a neutral mental en- by heart. Memory rejects the unintelligible. In vironment because emotions impair reasoning. working to remember a poem (as in working with We acknowledge the tension between objec- a patient) you deepen your understanding of its tivity and subjectivity in clinical practice but, far sense. You also find pleasure in the poem’s from being a threat, we believe the art of medi- sound, especially if you say it out loud. Asso- cine lies in the ability (“negative capability”) to nance, rhythm, and repetition lead you through function effectively in this environment—in fact, the poem to its center. This does not happen with to use mystery and ambiguity to the patient’s every poem, but when it does happen, you may benefit.11 Medical practice requires us to make develop a sense of how the poet sees into the leaps of meaning each day. The physician might heart of the world; in a small sense, gaining ac- be talking to a patient or thinking about a case, cess to the unsayable. and suddenly he or she sees the problem in a dif- ferent way. The diagnosis becomes clear. Or af- ter fruitless mucking around in the ambiguity of COMPASSIONATE PRESENCE illness, the physician suddenly discovers the word that heals. We sometimes call these leaps of In his photographic essay, A Fortunate Man, meaning “intuition” or “clinical judgment.” This John Berger describes the life of John Sassall, a is not to deny that they can (and should) be care- general practitioner in rural England. For Sassall fully dissected and studied. Yet, the immediate the doctor’s central task is “individual and closely “Eureka!” of seeing something in a new way is intimate recognition” of the patient, “If the man much like the experience of a poem. can begin to feel recognized—and such recogni- Consider the first two poems in Appendix A tion may well include aspects of his character as examples of the “Eureka!” experience. In the which he has not yet recognized himself—the first the poet–physician describes a quiet early hopeless nature of his unhappiness will have morning encounter with a patient who has had been changed . . . ”9 Sassall is a good doctor, “Be- part of his face removed because of cancer. Here, cause he meets the deep but unformulated ex- as in the following example, the intuition has pectation of the sick for a sense of fraternity. He nothing to do with the medical diagnosis as such, recognizes them.”9 Sassall “does not believe in but rather it creates an imaginative space that maintaining his imaginative distance: he must confers new meaning to the situation. “This man come close enough to recognize the patient is the man in the moon.”12 What does this fully.”9 This recognition of the patient’s subjec- metaphor mean? Logic and reason are not very tivity is a function of empathy, which creates the helpful in answering this question. The metaphor connection that the narrative dimension of med- arises from the arctic landscape in the preceding icine requires. stanzas, but clearly goes beyond them—in an This description seems out of place in contem- epiphany whose emotional tone is nocturnal, porary medical schools and hospitals, where the cool, and mysterious. In contrast, in the second orthodoxy holds that physicians should value de- poem the doctor caring for “The Six Hundred tachment and approach their patients with de- Pound Man” experiences a more frenzied and tached concern, rather than “intimate recogni- physical epiphany, closer to the healing ecstasy tion.” Today’s orthodoxy is based on the belief of the traditional shamans he invokes.13 that empathic connection with the patient—or compassionate presence—hinders objectivity. In her essay “Metaphor and Memory,” Cynthia Oz- REFLECTIVE PRACTICE ick observed that physicians cultivate detach- ment from their patients because they are afraid Some think that poetry and medical practice of finding themselves “too frail . . . to enter into make strange—or perhaps even illicit—bedfel- psychological twinship with the even frailer souls lows. For example, Susan Sontag argues in Illness of the sick.”10 This fear of being overwhelmed by as Metaphor that we should attempt to eliminate
  • 5. 386 COULEHAN AND CLARY metaphor from our thinking about illness.14 Just the moment, and perhaps to find hope in the im- the facts, ma’am. No frills. No cultural baggage. mediacy of his everyday experience. However, No connection with art or literature. Ideally, she the narrator seems unable to “go with the flow” argues, we should reduce illness and suffering to on this. Rather, he tries to deceive Alfred and ex- their biologic components and avoid attributing periences feelings of guilt that are not assuaged meaning. To Sontag, cancer is simply and pre- by music or exercise. cisely a malignant transformation of tissue and In the final example, the poet presents several not “the enemy within.” Whatever cancer or dy- standard lessons taught by hospice nurses in the ing might mean to the patient, that meaning form of a series of messages to the poet’s dead should be of no concern to the physician. brother. The imperative statements he illustrates If this were true, physicians would have less (e.g., “Express gratitude”) are abstract and cold; need as professionals to understand themselves however, the poem elucidates these sentiments as and their emotional reactions to seriously ill pa- miniature narratives that are vibrant and far tients, or to explore the feelings and beliefs of deeper than the statements themselves. In poetry these patients. However, Sontag created a need- the unsayable may arise from love, hope, yearn- less furor by overgeneralizing a narrow point— ing, loss, anger, or, in this case, even from didac- perhaps negative cultural metaphors do in some tic instruction. cases prevent ill persons from seeking help. For example, if human immunodeficiency virus (HIV) is considered to be a shameful punishment CONCLUSION from God, a patient may well wish to keep his condition secret and acquiesce to the illness. Yet, In this essay we have suggested that palliative no seriously ill person can experience his or her care clinicians need poetry in their lives. While condition without attributing personal signifi- such poetry can be understood in the broad sense cance to it, which generally does not inhibit care. as spontaneity, creativity and imagination, we fo- Likewise, clinicians who care for such patients cus on poetry in the strict sense—words on pa- have a need to integrate and reflect on their ex- per—and contend that reading, discussing, inter- perience. nalizing, and writing it can help us to become Modern commentators have stressed the need more reflective practitioners in various ways. For for physicians to understand their own beliefs, one, poetry teaches us the power of words, sym- feelings, attitudes, and response patterns. One bols, and metaphor to influence our patients. of this view’s earliest proponents was Michael Having learned this, we are better able to modu- Balint, a British psychiatrist who focused attention late our interactions with them to promote heal- on the therapeutic power of the physician–patient ing. Moreover, we may go a step further and uti- interaction with his aphorism, “The doctor is the lize selected poems as therapy to capture or drug.”15 Balint encouraged physicians to meet reg- transform a patient’s experience. ularly in small groups to discuss their difficulties Poetry also encourages the development of with and personal reactions to patients. We believe negative capability. A poem may have multiple, that reading, writing, discussing, and internalizing and sometimes conflicting, meanings. “Listen- selected poems can serve as another avenue to self- ing” to a poem often requires patience and re- knowledge, preferably when used as an adjunct to spect. Perhaps the best example of such respect group process. is in learning the poem by heart and internaliz- We will end with two examples of self-con- ing its rhythm and voice. Finally, poetry fosters sciously reflective poems. “The Azalea Poem” our ability to make the leap of empathy and, (see Appendix A) processes the writer’s feelings therefore, fully recognize our patients. Such about lying to a patient dying of acquired im- recognition helps us to stand beside them in com- mune deficiency syndrome (AIDS). In this case passionate presence. the lie—that Alfred will live through the long winter—comes across as a weak, reflexive re- sponse to the patient’s question, rather than a REFERENCES principled response based on a perceived need for “hope.” The narrator contrasts his own linear 1. Williams WC: Asphodel, that greeny flower. In: Se- approach to time with Alfred’s ability to live in lected Poems. New York: New Directions, 1985, p. 302.
  • 6. POETRY IN PALLIATIVE CARE 387 2. Kenyon J: Otherwise: New and Selected Poems. St Paul, 12. Coulehan J: The man with a hole in his face. First Pho- Minnesota: Graywolf Press, 1996, p. 240. tographs of Heaven. Troy, Maine: Nightshade Press, 1991. 3. Rumi J: The Essential Rumi, translated by Coleman 13. Coulehan J: The six hundred pound man. In: Medicine Barks with John Moyne, Harper, San Francisco 1995. Stone, Santa Barbara, CA: Fithian Press, 2002. 4. Frankl V: Man’s Search for Meaning, revised ed. New 14. Sontag S. Illness as Metapho. New York: Farrar, Straus York: Washington Square Press, 1997. and Giroux, 1978. 5. Byock I: Dying Well: The Prospect of Growth at the End 15. Balint M: The Doctor, His Patient and the Illness. New of Life. Riverhead Books, p. 299. York: International Universities Press, 1972. 6. Osler W: The faith that heals, Br Med J 1910); 16. Coulehan J: The azalea poem. In: Belli A, Coulehan J 1470–1472. (eds: Blood & Bone: Poems by Physicians. Iowa City, 7. Rilke RM: Selected Poems of Rainer Maria Rilke, trans- University of Iowa Press, 1998. lated by Robert Bly, Harper, 1981. 17. Clary P: Five tasks. J. Med. Humanities, 2001;22:87–91. 8. Keats J: Letter to George and Thomas Keats, Decem- ber 21, 1817. Quoted in Ward A. John Keats: The Mak- Address reprint requests to: ing of a Poet. New York, The Viking Press, 1963, p. 161. Jack Coulehan, M.D., M.P.H. 9. Berger J, Mohr J: A Fortunate Man. New York: Pan- Department of Preventive Medicine theon Books, 1967, pp. 75–77. HSC L3-086 10. Ozick C: Metaphor and memory. In: Metaphor and Memory: Essays. New York: Knopf, 1989, pp. 265–283 State University of New York at Stony Brook 11. Coulehan J: Tenderness and steadiness: emotions in Stony Brook, NY 11794-8036 medical practice, Lit. Med, 1995;14:222–236. E-mail: jcoulehan@notes.cc.sunysb.edu Appendix A The Man with a Hole in His Face He has the lower part, The man’s eye does not close a crescent of face because any blink on the right, and an eye is death, that sits precipitously nor does the eye rest beside the moist hole in mine where the rest of his face was. when I ask the questions he is weary of answering. The hole is stuffed with curls of gauze. While I wait here quietly in arctic waste, His nurse comes before dawn, the pack ice cracks at the moment with terrifying songs the eye fears for its balance, and over the moist hole and fills the wound, where the rest of his face was, sculpting a tortured landscape he rises. of pack ice. This man is the man in the moon. Coulehan12
  • 7. 388 COULEHAN AND CLARY The Six Hundred Pound Man Of the six hundred pound man on two beds, in search of healers, singers nothing remains, who wrestle souls of old bodies not the bleariness with which he moved his eyes back to bones, back to dirt, and back back nor the warm oil curling in his beard. to their beginnings. Though the sheets and plastic bags are gone, As I enter for the first time his grunts, his kind acceptance gone, this medicine circle, I see him now, rising in the distance, bearing chickens in honor of the god, an island, mountainous words dancing from my lips, and hooded with impenetrable vine. spirit like the plume of a child’s volcano When I awaken to the death rises of the six hundred pound man and cannot sleep again, and then the medicine, the medicine is good I paddle to his shore and the tongues, the tongues are dancing and the fathers, oh! the fathers are dancing in search of those flamboyant trees that flame his flanks, and this worthless and alien body, in search of bougainvillea this six hundred pound man, blossoming his thighs, I discover him beautiful. of women who rise to touch him tenderly with ointment, Coulehan13 The Azalea Poem The hope I handed Alfred spoke line and verse. This month when he asked about his skin his legs seems so cheaply false are smoldering with death. since I came home, so quick, so colored by my need. I used to wish whole clots of time would disappear. And my work-out In another month, my madness told me, on the weight machine I’d make my next goal to Mahler’s Third was not and be happier. Between the points— what I had hoped for. My form, tedious fiber. which has always had the urge to be a pear, is sour Today is a taste of heaven, and inelastic. How nylon-light Alfred said. my youth would be Cooking supper for Steve, he said. if I were living it today! The breath of woods behind our house is the best in life, he told me Alfred’s young. and asked if he would live to see Last month a vivid growth azaleas bloom. And I said, yes. between his toes Coulehan16
  • 8. POETRY IN PALLIATIVE CARE 389 Five Tasks Taught by Hospice Nurses for my brother 1. Say Goodbye 4. Affirm Affection You called me at work to ask for a loan I love you And said goodbye as sweetly as if I’d said yes. For being obvious about loving me I was unhappy, & probably rude. When I was fifteen and It was the last time we talked. Thought I couldn’t bear to be loved. You were too young to know better. 2. Express Forgiveness You were so alive, Your death seemed impossible— I forgive you for stepping over the edge, If you could die everyone would. Wearing a roofer’s safety harness Clipped stylishly to nothing, 5. Express Gratitude Momentary angel over Arizona. Thank you for giving me back When you were seven My lost family and Montana, You flew the swing set outside Where we scattered your ashes Our Chilean house through an earthquake According to your instructions: As walls and ceilings collapsed into themselves. Up Big Creek Canyon and “More, make it do that again!” On the hundred-year Flood plain of the Bitterroot River. Your life was not as short as I feared West Yellowstone burned all the week Nor as long as I hoped. Of your death, frosting windshields white in July. 3. Request Forgiveness Now, when I visit—and I visit often—I do work I love, While I stay in a lodge built ten years ago Forgive me for not lending you the money Of first-growth timber To buy that motorcycle, Salvaged from that fire. For not admiring your poetry, For never taking a photograph of you with my sons. Now I see: living is a kind of slow burning, Forgive me for not wrestling with you into more And love is what we salvage from the fire. Sunsets the summer before I was drafted. Forgive me for being your imitation angel, Clary17 For leaving you with that elephant in the living room. Forgive me for living.