Co-dependents grow up never having learned how to be themselves, or even what their true identity really is. In adulthood this causes them to become over-identified with other people, particular roles, jobs or professions. They basically focus on others problems to avoid having to look at their own stuff. They try to change others – they are those who are heard saying: “I’d be all right if only everybody else would change”. This talk gets to the heart of what this very misunderstood process addiction is about.

1. Welcome
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2. “The most common form of despair is not being who you are”
Soren Kierkegaard
Presented by: Mandy Johnson
Unmasking Co-dependency

3. Historically vs New
Perspective
Historically - seen as long suffering partner or relative
of a chemically dependent or other addicted person.
Today the field has widened: Co-dependency viewed
as a learned behaviour which can begin at any time
in life as a copying skill.

4. Co-Dependent!
“Inner
intimacy
disorder”
“Vehicle for
healing”
“The loss of our true self”

5. Definition
“Co-dependence is the most common of all
addictions: the addiction to looking elsewhere. We
believe that something outside of ourselves—that is,
outside of our True Self can give us happiness and
fulfillment.
The ‘elsewhere’ may be people, places, things, or
behaviors or experiences. Whatever it is, we may
neglect our own selves for it.”
Charles L.Whitfield,MD

6. Charles L. Whitfield, M.D.
“The wounding of our true selves to such an
extent, that in order for us to have survived,
we developed a pseudo false self, which now
runs our lives.
It is thus a disease of lost self-hood.
A co-dependent person has little or no sense
of self. Their whole life is spent in extreme acts
to meet others’ expectations. “

7. These self-defeating learned
behaviours diminish our capacity to
be in intimate loving relationships.
‘including with ourselves’

8. The Iceberg Model: Relationship of Adult Child Wounding, Co-dependence
and Various Disorders – Charles L Whitfield, M.D.
Recovery Stages
0
1
2
3
Unhealthy
Society
Fear of
Abandonment
Toxic Shame
Other Traumas
Adult Child
Wounding
True Self Goes Into Hiding
Chronic Emptiness
Primary Co-dependence (Adult Child Syndrome)
Tying To Fill The Emptiness From The Outside
Frustrated Attempts to Fill the Emptiness – people
pleasing tolerate inappropriate behaviour
Depression,
Anxiety, other
Disorders
Chemical
Dependence
Eating
Disorders
Stress
Disorders
Relationship
Addictions
Compulsions
Unhealthy
Family of Origin
Life chaotic/Hyper-reactive
Addictions/compulsions increase
Internalise parents &
others inadequacy
Needs not met

9. Red Flags
• Focus on another's needs and problems
• Neglect our own wellbeing & emotional health
• Inability to say no when it is warranted
• Thoughts feeling & needs of others before our
own

10. Recovery Means
Learning about feelings & acknowledging them
Learning how to grieve
Learning how to get one’s needs met
Setting healthy boundaries
Learning how to deal with emotional pain
Healthy assertive communication skills
How to say no & having choices
Dealing with guilt & shame
Getting to explore the true authentic self – masks are dropped

11. ABSTINENCE
Internal locus of control/self-
directed
AWARENESS
Know our internal patterns
ACTION
New behaviours/honesty and
confidence arise
ACCEPTANCE
Mindfulness & compassion

12. Recovery
Begins at the moment we recognise the futility of
compulsively trying to control the thoughts, feelings,
decisions, choices & behaviour of OTHER PEOPLE.
In order to RECOVER, we have to DISCOVER who we
truly are.

13. Invitation
“It is by going into the abyss that we recover
the treasures of life”
Joseph Campbell
THANKS FOR LISTENING
www.mindfulinsight.co.za
POEM: THE WAY UNDER THE WAY – MARK NEPO

14. Thank you
To view material from this talk visit
www.sacap.edu.za/events
Like our Facebook Page
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#PsychologyFest