Dave calls the 51st meeting of the Order of Concerned Citizens to order using a fluorescent red plastic mallet. At the previous meeting, they decided it was safest to stay indoors on Friday the 13th with windows closed and lights off. They also decided against changing their name to the Ultra Concerned Citizens Group. The group discusses the safest way to walk down the street. Mikey proposes walking furthest from the curb to avoid cars and splashes, but Johnny argues this puts one too close to buildings where bricks may fall. Edgar proposes walking down the exact middle of the street to avoid both dangers, but they discuss the danger of cracks in the pavement bringing bad luck. They agree the saf

1. Kenneth Malafy
The Concerned Citizens Club
Dave waited for the other three men to take their seats. The fluorescent red, plastic
mallet rested on the table in front of him. It was more of a toddlers toy then something an adult would
use, but they had decided plastic was safer than wood. Wood might give you splinters or crack and
pinch your skin. Once the other men were seated, he grabbed the mallet and struck the table exactly
three times. The fifty first meeting of the Order of Concerned Citizens was called to order.
“As per tradition, we will begin the meeting with a recap of last meetings events. It was
officially decided concerning Friday the 13th
that it was safest to stay indoors, with all the windows
closed and lights off, in the exact center of the house,” Dave read from last meetings minutes. “It was
also decided that we would not change our name to the Ultra Concerned Citizens Group. Although the
word ultra has a long and respectable tradition, it was deemed too frivolous sounding for our purposes.”
The other three men nodded. “Today we will discuss the safest method of walking down the street. It's
Mikey's to speak first,” he gestured towards a man wearing a nondescript brown shirt and a matching
cabbie's hat.
Mikey cleared his throat and adjusted his cap. “I believe it is safest to walk furthest from
the curb on the inside of the street.” This assessment brought immediate grumbling and head shaking.
Mikey continued, undeterred. “Walking away from the curb ensures that a car will not jump the curb
and accidentally hit you. You will also avoid being splashed with any dirty water on a rainy day. If you
are a child, this will protect you from any miscreants in cars that might try to snatch you.”
It was Johnny's turn to speak next. “I respectably disagree with my good friend here.
Walking on the inside of the sidewalk puts you too close to buildings. Everyone knows that bricks and
other materials can randomly fall from any building, at any time and hurt or kill you. It happened to
this girl in my neighborhood once. A brick fell off a school and crushed her skull. It was terrible.” The
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2. Kenneth Malafy
other men considered this.
Dave pointed the mallet at Edgar, granting him the floor. “I propose that you walk down
the exact middle of the street, so as to avoid the dangers of walking to close to the buildings or too
close to the curb.” Edgar leaned back and let this bit of wisdom sink in. “What about cracks?” Dave
asked. A curtain of silence draped the room at the mention of cracks. The men looked down at the
ground and away from each other. They all made good luck signs and uttered prayers to ward of the
bad luck associated with cracks. “You know, cracks in the pavement. Everyone knows that walking on
cracks in the pavement is very bad luck. We already decided that bad luck is worse than anything else.
You never know what could develop out of bad luck,” Dave finished..
“Well obviously you would avoid a crack, even in the center of the sidewalk,” Edgar
replied. “What about those grooves in the pavement? Do they count as cracks?” Dave asked. “You
know I've always wondered that myself. I don't know. I always avoid them as a matter of good form.”
Edgar rubbed his chin and adjusted his hat again. There was silence for a few moments while everyone
considered this development. Mikey sipped his coffee. “I vote that we consider them the same as
cracks, just in case,” Johnny proposed.
The men all nodded. “Then we are all in agreement then? The recommended way to
walk down the street safely is to walk down the exact center, avoiding all cracks and grooves?” Dave
asked. The men nodded again. “Then we will move onto our next topic for today's discussion. Black
cats.......”
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