This document outlines how the author will support their friend through various emotional states and challenges. It describes helping the friend get revenge when sad, trying to help if they are choking, making jokes to cheer them up when blue, telling scary stories to distract from worries, explaining things simply when confused, and staying away when sick. It pledges to be a friend through all situations until the end, even if that means helping move a body, showing a dark sense of humor.

1. You’re my Friend

2. I will get you drunk and help you plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad. When you are sad...

3. I'll try to dislodge whatever is choking you. When you are blue…

4. I will rag you about it every chance I get. When you are scared, ...

5. I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be and to quit whining. When you are worried...

6. I will use little words to explain it to your dumb ass. When you are confused... When you are sick… stay away from me until you're well again. I don't want whatever you have.

7. I'll know you finally got laid. When you smile...

8. I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass. This is my oath; I pledge 'till the end. Why you may ask? Because you're my friend! When you fall, ...

9. Send this poem to ten of your closest friends and get depressed because you realize you only have 2 friends, and one of them is not speaking to you right now anyway. P.S. A friend will help you move. A really good friend will help you move a body.