Ed ibles 012313

Ed-ibles: Quips and Quotes from Ed Klein

It's the elephant that we don't know
how to eat. We need to give them
elephant drumsticks.

1


We've been around this barn so
many times that there is now a moat
around the barn because we've
trampled the ground. Let's move on.

2


The first time we do something is not
in production.

3


We're not letting go of this rope until
we have the next rope firmly in our
grasp.

4


Of course there's nobody there!
They're the doctor's office and we're
the hospital. We have people here!

5


If Microsoft waited until Windows
was perfect, we'd be running DOS.

6


See, we're not nearly as dumb as we
gave ourselves credit for not being.

7


Let's say you're the fire department.
You want to put out every fire that's
reported, but you don't want a lot of
fires.

8


He's a unique animal. He's a duckbill
platypus.

9


The bridge is out. But there is more
pain on the Virginia side even though
it Maryland's responsibility to fix the
bridge.

10


You're right -- we suck. But we suck
less for you than we do for everyone
else.

11


Only working on change requests,
but not problems, is like burning the
furniture you would like to sit on later.

12


We have this incident and that
incident. It's death by 1,000 cuts.

13


We need to see the rat moving
through the snake.

14


I reserved a helicopter to come to my
house to pick me up for work, but it
never showed up. I shouldn't be
surprised because there is no
helicopter.

15


Problems are like roach motels for
incidents.

16


Is this a restaurant with four cashiers
and one line, or four cashiers and
four lines?

17


In theory there's no difference
between practice and theory, but in
practice there is.

18


We can handle this incident as
Normal status, but let's not handle as
a Not Handle.

19


It's like planning flights on
Southwest. I can't get there from
here, but if I take three hops and go
through Omaha, I can get there.

20


The OpDivs will beat him like a
piñata.

21


Sleep is for the weak.

22


There was something in her drink.

23


If you look at runners in a race, some
of them run looking straight ahead,
and some run looking left and right.

24


We'll give them more capacity to run
bad queries.

25


Never get into a mustache growing
contest with an Indian man.

26


While we have the car up on the
rack......

27


We're not like five year olds playing
soccer where all of them chase the
ball. We have position players with
people who are good at their
positions. If someone gets hurt,
someone else can play the position.

28


I'm like tofu. Put me in the sauce
and I soak up the flavor.

29


I can show someone Tiger Woods's
golf swing, and guess what that
doesn't make them? Just because
you can see it doesn't mean you can
do it.

30


Let's make sure that we agree to
what we agreed to is what we are
agreeing to.

31


Do they know that setting off five
roach bombs in the house creates an
unfriendly environment?

32


It might take the Washington Post
two hours to print the paper. But I
don't care as long as they deliver my
paper before I leave for work.

33


There used to be so many cars on
270; now there's fewer. But how long
is it going to take me to get to work?

34


Does anybody feel like you're
running for office? You think, "I'm
going to lose big in Iowa." Then you
come in second and claim victory.

35


Your bank branch in Rockville is
fantastic, but your branch in
Gaithersburg .... what the hell is
going on there?

36


Lucky is not a process.

37


That is like counting angels on a
pinhead.

38


We in-source pain. If you have pain,
and want to pay us money, we will
take care of it for you.

39


Our DNA is 99.7% the same as
chimps, but I'm not going to marry
one.

40


You can't make one lane of the
swimming pool have a higher water
level than the rest of the pool.

41


Having just been to the ATM in the
past few days, I will bet the contents
of my wallet that ......

42


I know it's hard to see the drowning
people and you want to save them,
but the problem is they will pull you
under.

43


You need a ringmaster because
there's a lot of clowns in that circus.

44


I may be a goat, but I'm not a
scapegoat.

45


SLA? They don't know what S is,
they don't know what L they want,
and we don't have an A.

46


I'd love to hear that conversation, but
not enough to actually be there.

47


I don't understand "operational
testing". It's like "kosher bacon". It
doesn't make sense.

48


Ok, I'm no Oracle expert, but I've
learned more about Oracle in
romantic conversations with my wife,
than he knows about Oracle.

49


I don't have an astronaut third-base
man; but if I did I wouldn't give him to
you.

50


Just because people allowed stupid
things to happen in the past doesn't
mean we have to continue to allow
stupid things to happen.

51


I have experienced less stress this
fiscal year end than in any other
year.

52


We don't have time to discuss every
way that (organization) sucks.

53


Don't make me google and find that
script for you.

54


I am now Speaker of the House.
There will be no new taxes and no
new instances. We have enough of
both.

55


We don't really have the option of
laying on the railroad tracks waiting
for the train to come. We can go left
or we can go right, but we can't stay
where we are.

56


If one baby pees in the kiddie pool, it
might not be that bad. But after 30
babies pee in the pool, nobody is
going to use that pool.

57


That's not even low hanging fruit;
that fruit is on the ground. We just
need to pick it up and eat it.

58


At some point it's like documenting
how to exhale.

59


No one reads the correction on page
six.

60


They're at the all you can eat buffet,
and we're the buffet.

61


So they're asking you to motorize the
cart so you can put it before the
horse?

62


I don't have an analogy for that right
now.

63


It's like a shuttle launch. If we get this
far (into flight and need to abort) then
we go back to Florida, if we get this
far then we go to Spain, and if we
get this far then we're going to orbit.

64


It's OK to be loud or wrong, but not
both.

65


I could eat bacon till the cows come
home, and the pigs don't.

66


Even if we don't have enough seats
on the bus, we need to make sure
we at least have enough handicap
seats.

67


You can look around this room and
see many “us”es and “them”s. I
always prefer to see “us”es. There
are the thems, but even the thems
are still us.

68


The Rules:
• Think.
• Spend more time fixing something than whining about it.
• Do your homework.
• Always plan to deal with exception.
• Don't let your problems become my problems.
• No surprises.

69

Ed ibles 012313

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