This document is a preface and table of contents for a collection of poems and writings by Darla Jane Hoskins from 1980 to 1987. It provides an overview of her life during that period as being a time when she didn't know who she was and experienced a lot of anger, using her writing to express anger towards her father, boys who rejected her, and society for making her feel like she didn't fit in. The collection is divided into two chapters, with the first covering her late teenage years through college and focusing on expressions of anger and disappointment.

1. Echoes of my life
Selected Poems and
Writings of...
Darla Jane Hoskins

3. 3
Echoes of my life
If dreams...
are the echoes of our souls,
then these poems and writings...
are the echoes of my life.
June 3, 2000

4. 4
Copyright © 2016 by Darla Jane Hoskins
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be
reproduced or utilized in any form or by any means,
electronic or mechanical, including photocopying,
recording, or by any information storage and
retrieval system, without permission in writing
from the author.
The cover, all poems, photos and writings, layout
and designs herein are property of
the artist Darla Jane Hoskins.
First Printing August 20, 2000
Second Revisen January 1, 2001
Third Revisen August 13, 2016

5. 5
Prelude
It's been a long while since I was able to sit out in the
backyard and write.
The sun is out, a slight breeze is blowing. It's not too hot
yet to make you sweat. The birds are chirping, and I hear
children playing in a pool behind us. The sound of a wind
chime sings, occasionally. My cats are playing, my hair is wet
from washing, and slowly drying as I hide beneath the trees
on the patio.
These are the rare moments when all troubles and problems
are forgotten. My world is still, yet full of life. I feel happy
and content. My husband, is underneath a car in front of the
house, doing what he enjoys the most. The house is picked
up, not clean, but just picked up. I'm satisfied with that.
The leaves are green, the lawn needs mowing. branches
from a tree remain fallen. The storm the other night passed
quickly, only to be followed by two more storms before all the
rain was over.
I've been spending many hours at my computer putting
together this collection of poems that I'd written over many
years time. Typing in words that I'd written in love or anger.
So many words, so many memories and only the other day
did I come up with the title, "Echoes of my life".
Can any one possibly find out who I am through any of
these writings? Or maybe they might be only able to make a
connection through one or two of them.

6. 6
I wrote these as a way to try to express what I was feeling
at that very moment.To explain the way that I thought or felt
about things. To put any other explanation on them would
make them meaningless.
They are expressions of the moment...echoes of my life.
Prelude Continued

7. 7
Table of Contents
Chapter One
As Best I Can / Dreams ............................................... 10
For My Father................................................................ 11
I'd................................................................................... 12
The Highest Value......................................................... 13
Even When Joking / Un ............................................... 14
Why Am I So Unhappy..................................................... 15
Songs Of Joy / "Sense"................................................. 16
Hold Fast To Dreams / Circle Of My Soul..................... 17
Letter To Renee............................................................. 18
Securely In Hand........................................................... 19
Middle Ground............................................................... 20
Total Impact Of Another Individual ............................... 21
Pretty Girl...I Envy You.................................................. 22
Glancing ....................................................................... 23
More Than A Friend....................................................... 24
Walk Away With Friendship........................................... 25
Letter To Tom Allen / Thoughts On Tom........................ 26
To Know The Man ........................................................ 27
Deliberate...................................................................... 28
Desertion....................................................................... 29
Questions Of Disappointment ...................................... 30
Dear Dad....................................................................... 31
In His Shadow............................................................... 32
Absolute Silence............................................................ 33
Silence........................................................................... 34
Type...The Nearer I Come ............................................ 35
For Those Who Live ..................................................... 37
Life's #1 Rule: Laugh ................................................... 35
Summer Vacation ......................................................... 38
Silence Of My Heart ..................................................... 39
You Feel So Good ........................................................ 40
In my dreams / Investment of a lifetime........................ 41

8. 8
Chapter One
No One Hears / Honesty............................................... 42
The Dream Of Life ........................................................ 43
Even When Joking / Un ............................................... 44
Why Do I Feel The Fool................................................ 45
I Wish ........................................................................... 46
I Asked God .................................................................. 47
Letter To Eileen ............................................................ 48
So What's This ............................................................. 49
So, Here I Am Again ..................................................... 50
Do I Dare Trust ............................................................. 51
Poison .......................................................................... 52
Chapter Two
Who Am I Without God..................................................... 54
To Love.......................................................................... 55
Thoughts ...................................................................... 56
Where Has All The Music Gone.................................... 57
Independence ............................................................... 58
Letter To Mike ............................................................... 59
Looking For Your Face.................................................. 60
Thoughts On Mike......................................................... 61
Seize The Day............................................................... 62
If Ever I Forget ............................................................. 63
City Of Life Underground ............................................. 65
Why Wait....................................................................... 66
Late At Night ................................................................. 67
Thursday Morning ........................................................ 68
Afraid To Breathe ......................................................... 69
Marriage........................................................................ 70
Who Am I....................................................................... 71
Middle Of The Road ..................................................... 73
Thoughts On Mimers .................................................... 75
I Know .......................................................................... 76
Trapped......................................................................... 77
Unfinished...................................................................... 77

9. 9
Chapter One
1980-1987
This chapter covers the late
teenage years through college
and up until I moved to Missouri
and got married.
The stage in my life when I didn't
really know who I was. I also had
a lot of anger in my life at the
time and I used my writing to try
and express that anger towards
my father for moving me away
from all my friends. Towards boys
because they made fun of me
and would reject me, and society
because I really never felt like I fit
in any where.
Unfortunately, most of my writings
then ended up sounding angry or
disappointed because that is what
I was trying to express at the time.

10. 10
As best I can
I live my life,
at best...
I stand.
But, I'll make do
with whatever I can.
I may scream in silence
for the trouble I get.
...it tears the insides,
but the trouble is met.
July 1980
Dreams
Dreams...
that speak to me...
telling me what to do.
Make your future possible
by making your dreams come true.
date unknown

11. 11
For my father
From a tear stained past
I arrive where I am now.
For the time being I will last,
but don't you stand up to take the bow.
I had my troubles in getting here,
from you I had no help.
I do not hold you as...
dear.
For you there is nothing to be felt.
Oh ! I am mistaken,
anger is what should go to you.
Because...
you are always faking
in everything that you do.
November 9, 1980

12. 12
I'd...
I'd like to fly
like a bird in the sky
...with no limitations
to bind me.
I'd like to soar
right out
that front door
...and hope
that someone
will find me.
date unknown

13. 13
The highest Value
LIfe doesn't stand still,
it can't be caught or chased after.
It must be lived...
to be of any value.
Love will die if held still for too long.
For like life...
love must grow.
It must move continually forward or
it will die of stagnation.
To live and grow in love is...
of the highest value,
but is unfortunately not seen of often.
For those who have succeeded...
in a growing love
are the luckiest people in the world.
June 7, 1984

14. 14
Even when joking
Un...
unwinding are the years
unbearable are my tears
unwanted are my fears
un-haunted are my peers
date unknown
I have often said things
without real meaning behind them
...to later find out that there really was.
I have often written about
things that I did not know were true
...until later I learned they were.
I have often joked about
life and my place in it
...to later find there was no joke,
only reality.
Listen carefully to all
that you do and say,
even when joking.
it just may be true.
July 13, 1981

15. 15
Why am I so unhappy
Why am I so unhappy?
Why do I suffer everyday
pain in my heart
from this lonely existence?
Truly...can there be an answer?
Why am I so unhappy in love?
Lacking in all that
graces those beauties?
...filling each day
with nothing but time.
Trying to find one
who will give me his favor.
Blessed with all
but that which they recognize...
How can my soul remain
"alive" and "vibrant",
when there is no one else
with which to share my love,
my friendship,
and all that "I" have to give.
date unknown

16. 16
Songs of joy sing from my heart,
in tune to a song unknown.
Crying for that breathless love,
that tares and heals all a once.
To watch the moon in darkness bright,
to see the day break caressingly,
to cry a tear of joy in love,
to break the silence of passion's hunger.
To sing a song of joy in my heart.
June 14, 1982
"Sense"
Time
is but a "sense" of the external.
Knowledge
is but a collection of internal time.
Wisdom
is but the relationship between
the internal knowledge and the collection
of the external time.
How then are we supposed to judge what "sense" is ?
May 22, 1982
Songs of joy

17. 17
Hold fast to dreams
Hold fast to dreams
for if dreams die
Life is a broken winged bird
that cannot fly.
date unknown
Circle of my soul
Happy days fill my heart
full of laughter
Loving arms
encircle my very soul.
to touch...
is but to feel the presence of another.
to love...
is to share that encompassed
circle of my soul.
June 13, 1982

18. 18
Letter to Renee
It is not in what we know
but what we wish to learn
that gives us
our greatest advantage.
For each there will be
a separate path to follow.
In others you will see
their paths when they may not.
Try all paths that suit only you.
No one can show you the way,
but perhaps in seeing the paths
of others you will find
that which you need
to put you onto your own path.
Always strive to find
that which will satisfy
your desires at that moment,
or the moment will be lost.
Except for the memory
that you weren't satisfied.
January 17, 1983

19. 19
Securely in hand
With my past securely in hand,
I stand firmly with the ground.
To know myself
is to know exactly
where I've been,
and where I am going.
Past and future
are strongly linked
with the "here and now".
A continuous cycle of events
adding to the memories
till only time stands between
what has happened
and what will happen.
To break the link
is to stop the cycle
and end the chain of events.
but, who is to say what happens
to the memories that were stored
in a no longer existing container?
date unknown

20. 20
Middle ground
Through all my boring days,
I've wished for excitement.
Through all the busy
exciting times,
I've dreamed of rest.
I can only hope that
at some time
I will find my
middle ground on
which to stand.
A place where
I'm moving...
neither too fast,
nor too slow,
but at a perfect rate
timed to my own way of life.
As of yet,
I haven't achieved it.
May 9, 1983

21. 21
Friends from afar
reaching out to you in my dreams
you've touched my soul
Acquaintances in the day
our paths, intertwining and separate
all that the future holds is new
Vibrant! Energetic! Exciting!
All a composite of you
opposite of me
Existing competition
you don't consider
holds my mind
Be better or like you is a goal,
an avoidance,
and a painful trial ‘n err.
To stumble towards your success
and reap your advantage
I lose myself
In all honesty
success must come of its own
or my dignity will be lost.
Knowing...
to respect the total impact of another individual
‘n that which you impact upon them.
December 21, 1983
Total impact of
another individual

22. 22
Pretty girl...I envy you.
For at every arm, a boy awaits.
What a nuisance
male egos galore
Can't a girl have a break
from their childishness,
their lack of logic and reason
Males...
animals out of control, again!
You are given the moon...
if only you'd ask.
Why can't a girl be allowed
to do things for herself?
Why are men always trying
to buy us with their gifts?
Can't they just sit down and talk
to us about how we feel about things?
Girlish ways, girlish talk...
makes no sense!
It's not supposed too.
Why should it?
Men only have two switches: yes and no...
they can only understand things in those terms.
Women are a whole network of terminals...
we're a switch board with
a complicated way of operation.
Is it any wonder why men
will never understand us?
date unknown
Pretty girl...I envy you

23. 23
Glancing...
Glancing...
I watch you,
pretending not to notice.
Cool and calm,
while racing heart ticks on
and hands tremble.
Handsome by some standards.
Rough by others,
you hold first place with me.
Eyes, avoiding yet seeking
not wanting to be spotted
I, not even in your league.
My hopes and dreams
kept alive by your frequent none-participating presence.
It's to this condition that the word...Crush,
develops
For the heart and mind be so delicate
that those who know not of your existence...
crushes you the most,
and teaches you of what loneliness is.
February 19, 1984

24. 24
More than a friend
A person can become
more than an acquaintance,
but a friend when some kind
of tie between them
is extended from one to the other.
I extended my hand,
and you accepted.
Friendship...
is the bringing together of two people.
To join and...
to play as children do.
to banter as brother and sister
to hassle you into a better mood
and to respect the privacy of each other,
and to still know when
the appropriate time to confront
and help with the other's problems.
But...
somewhere along the line
it became more than just friendship,
because the ties of "brother & sister"
don't necessarily extend
exclusively to real families,
but to those who also
come together in spirit.
date unknown

25. 25
Walk away with friendship
There was a time
when I was lonely
and "family" was what I needed,
but you stepped in to take their place.
Thank you!
...and there were times
when you were down,
so I lent you my shoulder
and gave you someone to lean on.
You looked better,
so I guess that I'd helped.
Your welcome!
...and there were times
when we each sought the other out
and walked away with friendship
instead of an empty space
filled with problems.
Each gave as much as received.
No thanks given,
no thanks needed.
date unknown
letter to Scott Barrow

26. 26
Letter to Tom Allen
It is to those who have
lived their lives fully that
we owe our debt of gratitude to
for without their
example we would have nothing
with which to compare
our own lives too.
No goals to set
no dreams to keep
no future to hold
no reality to make come true.
April 11, 1984
Child-like prancing to and fro
inviting ideas into the listening minds
non-stop and eternal knowledge
Wrinkly eyes sparkle
the "red" face of truth
arguments prevail
ignorance becomes enlightenment
Let us take joy in his memory
though he is gone, let him now live within each of us
that he has touched us with his words and his spirit.
April 11, 1984
thoughts on Tom Allen

27. 27
To know the man...
The corridors of the school are empty now,
but one spirit still remains
the energy and life of one man
is vibrant within my brain
To those who had the opportunity
to know the man, Tom Allen
for those who had the fortune
of taking and giving to this man
...may you now realize
how fortunate you were
for all the world could not repay
the debt of thanks that I owe that man.
you walked among us
head held high
spirit and kick
gleam in your eye
It is said that all life is but energy,
well, man...
you had energy.
It is said those who
live by the sword die by the sword.
Well, you...
who lived by energy, died with energy.
Is there any other way to go ?
April 11, 1984

28. 28
Deliberate
I searched in my mind and found
memories of loneliness and pain.
Always surrounded by others...
yet, always a lone.
Deliberate...
was the move I made,
but growth was the price to pay.
The choice:
Be with family and crawl deeper
within myself.
Or, leave and find the space that
would lead me to myself.
...to find the strength, and friends,
and most important...
to find my own life.
May 25, 1984

29. 29
Desertion
Tempt the lion
and pay the price!
Yesterday...
time was eternal,
today...
it's short.
To hell with you
if you don't know how
to be responsible
and keep your promises.
Lord...
help you if I get a hold of you!
Too many promises made,
not enough kept!
promises...
once broken,
respect and admiration is lost.
You...
no longer exist in my mind!
May 25, 1984

30. 30
Questions of disappointment
Have I based my entire life
on disappointment?
Do I live every moment
wanting and waiting
to be put down or put off
by those who think only of themselves,
and not of others?
Because I'm so lonely
does that mean that I have
to leave myself open
to every possible hurt there is?
It means...
that I allow myself
to be vulnerable.
Living for hopes and dreams
that can't possibly come true.
I might as well crawl up
into my dreams and not awaken.
I can face them easier
than real disappointment and let down.
Do I have to be so damn honest all the time?
Don't I deserve some fun?
Don't I deserve some companionship too?
June 2, 1984

31. 31
There was a time when
immaturity and emotions
got in the way of our relationship
fathers and daughters
are not known for their agreements
and there was a time when
separation was better for the both of us
I was allowed the time
and the space to find myself
thank you for letting go
for if you hold on too tightly to a flower
it would die by the very love
that kept the hand held tight
but you let go
and the flower lived
it is thought that only with time
can love grow
I have had the time
and I do love you.
June 17, 1984
Dear Dad

32. 32
In his shadow
A funeral takes place tomorrow.
Someone I knew and cared about died.
Death...
Took away a friend, a cousin
leaving a hole in my life.
Empty space not to be filled.
Everything's screwed up!
Nothing makes sense any more!
Why him?
Energy and spirit
were at his command.
A sweet smile stood between
innocence and what I didn't have
access to see in him.
Mimi,
his sister and closest to him
knew his secrets...
followed in his shadow.
Who can say what it is like
to adjust to the death of another.
One day they are here
and the next they're gone.
Not temporary...
but permanent.
No way to bring them
back home again.
No goodbye, no farewells...just gone.
April 25, 1984

33. 33
Absolute silence
Loneliness...
One never really knows
what true loneliness is
till you have someone,
and then he's gone.
...and then he's gone.
I sit and wait.
A call must come soon!
and my heart sure aches.
Yet, all I get is silence.
What is worse than absolute silence?
Silence absolutely!
...or just the pounding of my heart beat
I wonder if I'll even hear the phone over
that racket in my ears?
...or was that the cats meowing?
...they too miss him.
June 1995

34. 34
Silence...
Silence...
is the lack of
the presence of another.
Four walls
enclosing silence
in a noisy room,
but the silence
doesn't affect the room,
only the inhabitant
who generates it
from within.
Slow,
sad,
mourning.
April 1984

35. 35
Type...the nearer I come
What is a type?
Do I fit the description?
Are you my type?
Am I your type?
Is he your type?
Can I be that type if i only changed this, or that?
Do I really want too?
Why in the hell would I want too?
Why should I change to please some public eye
that doesn't even care who I am?
To fit an ideal dream that only exists in the
minds of adults not quite grown up.
The nearer I come to that
public image of perfection,
do I lose my "self",
or gain part of a group type?
Do I gain acceptance
or am I still just "me"
struggling through the hell some call life?
I've learned that before others
can accept who or what you are,
you must first accept who you are.
A self projecting image
sprung from deep inside.
July 4, 1984

36. 36
for those who live
There are those
who live their life
as if no tomorrow existed
There are those
who live their life
expecting a tomorrow
and passing each day
with casual grace.
For those who live for today
may well die by tonight.
For those who live for tomorrow
may well die by tomorrow
when ever it comes.
But,
you lived your life as if
no tomorrow existed.
You lived for the day
and died by the night.
But,
I live for tomorrow
and will be graced
by the never ending pain of life.
Who got the better deal?
July 6, 1984

37. 37
Life's # 1 rule: Laugh
There are many natural highs that can be brought on or
achieved without the need, want, or desire for sex.
In fact, it involves no physical contact.
Yet, raises the "excited" level far higher than sex.
what is this mysterious condition?
Laughter.
For it gives so much
yet asks only for your attention.
It is something that is ingrained in each of us since childhood,
there are few and far between who have not been able to
experience a true round of unstoppable laughter.
They must truly be exceptions to my rule,
because my rule is one of life.
That is.. if you can laugh off the worst possible predicament,
even when at the time it doesn't seem so amusing, than you
will go through life with a little more ease than the rest of us.
By doing so, you will have discarded some of the shit that
the rest of us will probably carry around with us for the rest
of our lives.
which is just excess baggage.
July 6, 1984

38. 38
Summer Vacation
My days have gotten lost in the routine of nothing. Laying
about in the sun, letting my mind turn to mush while my
body bakes past the point of well done. Is there nothing
more appealing to waste my time at? Yes, to physically rest
the body is good, but to let the mind melt in the hot sun
accomplishes nothing.
It brings me no further to my goals, but will perhaps allow me
to carry on later when all is in turmoil, and I am once more
being absorbed by school. Time is short, and soon this lazy
nothing will be gone. Replaced only by that which I dread the
most and love the least...homework.
Ah! ...but to turn the pages of a new school book scatters
my mind and sends it reeling into the deepest reaches of
thought, while my body aches from sitting in the wrong
position for far too long.There seems to be no time when both
body and mind can be both fully satisfied. For either my time
is owned, or I own too much time. Neither condition satisfies
me the most, but if I were only allowed one choice and had
to live by this the rest of my life...
I'd probably choose the busyness of school. For if my mind
goes to waste, than I have nothing. Where if my body were
to go to waste, I'd a least have my mind. So, while I bask in
the sun during the day, I task my mind in the late reaches of
the night. Perhaps , trying to even the balance of mind and
body, or drive away the boredom of the long summer nights...
in hope that school will soon start again.
July 12. 1984

39. 39
Silence of my heart
Only desire...
disturbs the silence of my heart.
Driving me to situations
that I'm not totally in control of.
Sometimes I wonder
just what the hell it is that I am doing...
but still I have no control over my actions.
I can't help it!
I "need" more than I can get.
So, I go many different places hoping to get...
enough.
Enough just to satisfy myself with pleasure
for a few moments.
and a moment is not a very long time.
Yet, this does not cure my aching desire.
It only numbs it temporarily.
In the end...
the desire always returns.
March 30, 1987

40. 40
You feel so... good!
It was once a praise I lived to hear. Yet, now turns sour in my
ears. What have I that makes men feel so good and leaves
me feeling so empty. I've been told that I have a beautiful
body, but what does that mean? I have fought within myself
all of my life to accept the body I've been given. So, now
my answer to their statement is " it's the only one I've got".
What else could I say. I know very little about how to handle
compliments, if you could actually call them that.
What is actually amazing to me is that so many men use
those four little words so often as if making some kind of a
chant or praise. I hear their voices saying it in unison. Not
one voice but many all thinking and wanting the same thing.
Have they gotten together to choose those four words or is
this some kind of instinctual praise they give out to get more
of what they want. To brain wash me, and I wonder how many
other women have heard this same verse sung into their
ears. It really make me want to know who else you have said
this to aside from myself. Who?
Then again it's not nice to question what a man says to you
when your making love.
May 5, 1987

41. 41
In my dreams
I lived yesterday
and dreamed about today.
I lived today
and dreamed about tomorrow.
When tomorrow comes
yesterday will be in my dreams.
April 24, 1983
Investment of a lifetime
The bond that links your true family
is not one of blood,
but one of respect and joy
in each other's friendship.
Rarely do members of one family
grow up under the same roof.
The investment of a friendship,
could be the investment of a lifetime.
April 24, 1984

42. 42
No one hears...
No one hears my cries of pain,
but my own poor tortured soul.
Why is it that I feel the loneliness the strongest
When I am weak with sickness?
It invades my mind,
and turns my heart to fear.
It is at this time that I sit in judgement,
of my self and others.
To know who are my friends,
and who are not.
December 19, 1984
If I could have honesty,
it's a lot easier
to over look
your mistakes.
date unknown
honesty

43. 43
What is this emptiness inside me
that I search to fill.
It supercedes all in my life.
It is far more important
than physical life itself.
Yet, never quiet reveals itself to me.
It is a deep yearning
that goes beyond my soul,
that drives me on to live out this life.
So, that I might get on
with more important things.
It makes the "physical" bearable
and the living unimportant.
Yet, it causes me to look and search out
all manifestations of life and living,
including love.
It causes me to constantly look at
where I am
and where that I might be going,
and to change course when need be.
For it is the force that drives me to live
and allows me to accept death
with out need of surrender to life itself.
Perhaps, I am already dead,
but still living this dream called life!
How can one appreciate life
when life is it self is unimportant?
July 26, 1984
The dream of life

44. 44

45. 45
Why do I feel the fool ?
Why do I feel the fool?
...that I sit and wait in vain?
...that wishes made in ponds don't come true?
...that dreams can't become reality?
So, I play the fool.
I've tried to empty my mind of you,
but no one else is there to take your place.
Distractions only distract until their time is warn through.
Can't something else hold my attention like you do?
Must I torture myself with impatience?
Can't I just live for today, forget about yesterday, and put
tomorrow entirely out of my mind?
for I am of today, and you are but a memory of yesterday,
and a hope for a possible future.
No one else has passed their hand close enough to touch
my heart, but you have.
No one else has clouded my mind with thoughts and
caused me look at myself closer, but you have.
Who are you that causes this never ending pain, this
hunger for companionship, this desirous need to be loved?
Who?
August 1984
letter written to Paul Mellersh

46. 46
I wish...
I wish not to bind you,
but to let you roam at will.
I wish...
not to possess you,
but to let you
give of yourself freely to me.
I only ask that when in my arms,
that you be fully with me,
and resent it not.
I only wish ...
you to give your love freely,
unhindered and take my love
as easily as it is given,
for I give it easily to you.
Take not just my body,
but my heart and soul as well.
As I will do my best to do
unto you the same.
For if we become secure
at where we stand today,
no questions need
arise by tomorrow.
July 31, 1984

47. 47
I asked God
many years ago
I stood and threw a penny
into a wishing pond.
Hoping, and dreaming...
and I asked god
if he would please
send someone special...
to fill the empty space in my heart.
I never expected I'd have to wait
this long to meet you...
but, experience wasn't on my side.
I needed time to grow.
Now, I'm ready for you.
Yet, sometimes I wonder...
are you ready for me?
And sometimes I wonder...
yes, I wonder...
will we ever say goodbye?
I spent my whole life
believing that you didn't exist.
Yet, here you are!
And it took god
to bring us together.
date unknown

48. 48
Letter to Eileen
For every female friend I have had,
I've shown a different side of myself.
There has always been a need
for me to talk with other women
and when none of my other friends could be found
...well, you suddenly were there,
and I found myself confessing to you.
I believe I've opened my many
sides to you because of this.
You've been a good teacher
and a good friend to me.
I respect you greatly as a person,
and hope that you allow yourself
to stretch out in many directions.
Allow yourself as much freedom
as possible for you should have
a spirit that is free and not tied down.
For if you allow yourself to be caged,
resentment of the cager will result.
Never halt to find new ways
of discovering yourself,
and many are the corridors of your soul.
...and many are the paths of your future.
August 1984

49. 49
So what's this...
So what's this tortuous feeling
of conflict I feel inside me?
Shall I even dare call it love? Or lust?
Or just indecision?
To want and desire the presence
of another in order to be touched
and secured enough to forget
about the loneliness,
and yet the loneliness persists.
What shall I do now?
How do I bridge this barrier of skin to his soul?
When mine already stretches
so far as to touch the other side of him,
yet touches nothing.
To be touched physically
can only satisfy my hunger
on a temporary basis.
I need more.
...how then do I grow within me
the seed of harmony and contentment..
I've done it before,
why does it now come so hard to me?
Why do men stir me within?
Confuse my mind?
Leave me feeling incomplete?
July 27, 1986

50. 50
So, here I am again
So, here I am again
I play the fool...
I've felt these feelings before
loneliness that becomes sadness
waiting that becomes impatience.
I've been at this same spot before
yet...
now there are no tears to fill my eyes,
to streak my cheeks
and proclaim themselves victor.
Once again my soul has lost the battle
and the emptiness has drained me.
March 10, 1987

51. 51
Do i dare trust...
I've tried to find myself by looking at the people around
me don't like what I see...
golden hair, crystal blue eyes, but rotten to the core
that one is...
I pushed myself within their social circle of men,
basking in their attention for the first time.
Only to be poked at, handled and set aside,
then laughed at.
Now I'm feeling battered and abused.
I feel like shit.
I feel the sadness swelling within me
bringing tears to my eyes.
I've lost respect for myself.
There is one who I want to be with,
but I feel unworthy of his presence.
Yet, I feel even sadder from not hearing from him.
Love, that torturous word makes me desperate,
impulsive, sad...when I am alone.
I've been tossed aside too many times.
I've been hurt so bad that I feel pain on a daily basis.
Do I dare trust my feelings towards this guy?
Do I dare put myself out on a limb?
...in order to hopefully find love?
...or hurt?
Again!
August 10, 1987

52. 52
You poison my mind
you've poisoned my soul
you haunt my dreams
and chase away my hopes
of ever letting go.
I locked you away
along time ago, but some how
you've found that key
to my sleeping soul.
I thought I'd gotten away
from your memory
your touch
your kiss
they are painful to me.
You are
" the fish that got away"
is that why I want you so?
but here you are again
haunting me in my sleep
filling my dreams with fantasies
oh, what a night mare.
Will I ever be able
to fully let you go?
You Poison my mind
you've poisoned my soul
you haunt my dreams
and I want you to go...
away from my mind
and away from my burning soul
stop haunting my sleep
just leave me alone...
date unknown
Poison

53. 53
Chapter Two
1990-1997
In this second chapter I was
dealing with disappointment
with my lack of career that had
anything to do with art or any
kind of creative type endeavor
that would bring some kind of
inspiration to my life.
I also spent many years
staying at home late at night
by myself while my husband
worked another shift causing a
disappointment in my marriage
and a depression that seemed
to pull a black cloud over me.

54. 54
Who am I without God
Who am I compared to the sun
so far away and blindingly bright.
One blink, one flash, one tiny little spark...
and then I'm gone.
what am I without the ground,
the earth beneath my feet.
Falling, constantly falling.
No sense of time, no sense of direction.
what am I without water.
Thirsting, eternally thirsting for something,
but i wouldn't really know for what.
what am I without the wind.
It blows across my skin,
and makes me feel hot and cold.
...makes me feel alive.
It gives me a sense of my boundaries,
limitations.
Who am I without god.
No spirit, no life, no energy.
To exist but not to experience,
but can that really be called existence.
September 30, 1997

55. 55
To Love...
To love...
is to be happy with
that old adage holds true
you must love what you have
or you wouldn't still have it
To love...
is also to be patient with
because patience is a virtue
and it takes a lot of virtue to be patient
To love...
is to be understanding with
understanding when things go wrong
understanding when the other person
does the wrong thing at the wrong time
To love...
is to laugh with
to laugh with the other person
at all the silly things you
hopefully will learn together
To love...
is to be forgiving with
to forgive when you are mad
for words spoken without thought
for actions done for the same reason
To love is...
to be happy
to be patient
to be understanding, to laugh and to forgive

56. 56
This is the journey of my soul, this is the story of my life. I've
done a lot of stupid things, some of the stupid things I regret. If
it hadn't been for some of those stupid things we never would
have met.
I'd come to a time in my life where I didn't know who I was.
You helped me to find my soul. You gave me back my self
respect. I thought I knew what love was. I thought I was
smarter than that. Yet, how humiliating it was to realize how
stupid I had become. I thought that love was solely expressed
by physical touch, I had a lot to learn. I slept around to feel
loved. I found no one who filled the hunger in my soul.
You came into my life and I knew that you were different.
You asked me what I thought. You asked me how I felt about
things. You gave meaning to my dull and boring life and made
me feel like I had a purpose to my life.
I'd talked to the "G" man even though I said that he didn't
exist and I still questioned whether he was real. Yet, if I talked
with him about a few questions wasn't I acknowledging that
he existed? I now believe that he sent my husband to me
and saved me in the process in many different ways. I thank
the lord for showing me what true love really means...total
acceptance and total forgiveness.
date unknown
Thoughts...
To love is to have a happy and forgiving
understanding of patience.
March 23, 1990

57. 57
Where has all the music gone
Where has all the music gone
that used to sing within my soul.
Where has all the poetry gone.
No words are left.
Nothing else to be spoken.
I find myself at an older age
searching for who I am.
That person that I used to be
has died and left me broken.
October 9, 1994

58. 58
Independence
Independence...
little is know of this word to me.
I can hardly call myself independent...
for I rely too much on others for
emotional support.
Especially when it comes to men.
They rule my inner emotional state.
Without ever knowing that they
pull my strings.
July 4, 1994

59. 59
Last night I went to the mall by myself.
My sister and I were supposed
to go to a movie and dinner together,
but she called for the second time this week
and disappointed me by saying
she was too tired
and under too much stress to go out.
Too much stress?
Did she have any idea
how close I came
to having a nervous breakdown
these last two weeks?
No, I guess not.
So, I went to the mall by myself
with the intent to see that movie
whether it killed me or not..to go by myself.
I felt determined not to let
this depression take me over.
I sat in the mall and had a pizza.
I couldn't help but look around
at all the male faces.
I looked at each one,
carefully comparing them to yours.
I did not see you there.
I was sad.
I knew that I would not be happy
till I saw your face.
I knew that I never wanted
to be separated like this again.
Letter to Mike

60. 60
I sit and look around.
I watch the male faces as they pass by,
I wonder where you are now.
I used to look at every face
as they passed by me.
Wondering if I'd find someone
better for me than you.
If I was missing out on something.
Now, I look at the faces
and I try to see you in them.
I compare his face with yours and say,
that's not my husband.
I search their faces and look now only for yours.
Waiting till I see your features.
That I'll recognize your face.
Where are you?
why must I wait for you to return?
No one else will do.
I want only you.
You are my friend.
My closest and dearest friend,
and nothing seems as important
as the day that
you will return to my arms,
and I will feel whole and complete again.
July 30,1993
looking for your face
I knew that I loved you
and that I would not be happy
with nothing less than you.
July 30, 1993

61. 61
Early morning
I roll over
partially asleep
partially awake
I put my arm around you
I smell your skin,
and nuzzle my nose
between your ear and neck
Oh...the sweet smell of you!
Oh...the kiss that tastes like you,
my love.
How salty you are.
I cannot seem
to rest my thoughts
my attention
is ever and always towards you
I ache within
and hunger to have you with me
Oh how like a fool I am
for letting you leave me
I am incomplete without you
I get by during the day
yet when I get home alone
I feel so incomplete
I get nothing done
I was a whole person
now I am only a half
where are you now?
date unknown
Thoughts on Mike

62. 62
why search the world
I have all the answers I need
why waste my time looking for happiness
just let the world catch me up.
Live for the day
seize the day
and live
Don't waste another minute
avoiding today
and dreaming about tomorrow
Live for the day
seize the day
and live
Why spend your day
worrying about tomorrow
why base your life
on what others do or say
Live for the day
seize the day
and live.
January 2, 1996
Seize the day

63. 63
If ever I forget...
If ever I forget...
If I never mention how much
you mean to me
today and everyday
My love
My Mike
Than please read these words
and know that there is not one day
that passes that I don't miss your presence.
That never a day goes by that
my love for you is not stronger.
Sometimes it's the only thing
that guides me through a difficult day.
The hope that when I get home
that I can fall into your arms,
and you will understand
without words my needs.
To be touched
to be reassured that
all will be well by tomorrow.
My love
My Mike
Know now that I love you
now and forever.
My love will transcend time
for we are connected in love,
in spirit, and in soul.
I feel that our meeting

64. 64
was no accident
that our meeting was
destined to be.
For you are exactly what
I'd asked god for
Someone who'd love me
unconditionally
Someone I can trust
with all my heart
and know that
it will not be broken
except perhaps
on the day you die
For I do not know what
I would do without
having you,
looking forward to
when I come home and
I'm in your arms.
My love
My Mike
Thank you
for your unconditional surrender.
Thank you
for being patient with me in my most trying of times.
Thank you
for loving me with all your heart.
April 25, 1996

65. 65
City of life underground
The sky is hazy
the sun is bright
I'm down town on the second floor of a building
looking out a window.
Where is everyone?
Today's a holiday, yet the city looks deserted.
It's the only city I know of that down town
is deserted when it's not a business day.
Can you just see it if New York City
completely closed down due to a holiday?
Just wouldn't work...
Life would go on.
$1.50 parking sign across the street.
All the lots are empty, no one looking or reading the signs.
Why do we have a down town city that is
dead on the week-end.
Dead on a holiday.
Just doesn't make any sense.
Looking out the window...
I see rats,
I see birds, pigeons,
I see bums,
the care takers of our great city.
Maybe the city is not so dead after all.
Maybe life just hides underground during the week
and comes outside when ever no one else is around.
Kansas City, city of life underground.
September 2, 1996

66. 66
Why wait...
Here I am waiting again
I wait for life to happen
I wait for my husband to wake up
I wait for him to come home
I wait..
For What?
What am I waiting for...
For him?
Why?
Why wait?
Live.
Live life.
Make him wait.
Maybe...I'm not home.
Maybe...he has to wait.
Maybe...the shoe is on the other foot.
Maybe...I'm happy and he's not.
September 2, 1996

67. 67
Late at Night
It's late at night
the crickets are chirping,
background music
to lull me to sleep.
The distant sound of traffic
on the highway.
The night is full of life...
Time for me to go to sleep
my muscles are sore, my feet ache...
my spirit is down,
my depression is deep.
September 12, 1996

68. 68
Thursday Morning
I'm thinking about the cooler weather
now coming every morning.
A cool breeze throughout the house,
when I'm used to the heat
Now I feel chilled to the bone.
I don't want to get up.
I just want to crawl back under the covers,
under the sheets and hide.
Warm.
Cozy.
Safe.
Where have all my days gone?
My energy is all but spent.
No time to do what I want,
and no idea of what I really want to do...
avoid the day...
Hit the alarm and snooze on...
The cool air...
is keeping me in bed,
or maybe it's just the thought of
another long day on my feet again.
September 12, 1996

69. 69
Afraid to Breathe
Mike,
You said to me...
"what do you want me to do?
Just go away and leave you alone?"
...I came so close to saying yes!
Tears rolling down my face
pain in my heart so tight
I was afraid to breathe.
Afraid that I would say... yes,
to your Question.
I don't think that you're a failure,
but... maybe your just going about it
the wrong way.
What a scarry thought...
to lose you.
You are my security, my home.
yet, I am restless inside,
disappointed and depressed.
Maybe I'm the failure and your not.
Maybe I should leave you alone.
Maybe I'm holding you back.
Criticizing you on every little detail
untill I've become my sister 20 years ago
calling me names...
standing over me saying...
"Darla, you are so fucking stupid".
Now look what I've become...
a mirror image.
Only this one is cracked,
broken, and falling apart
September 16, 1996

70. 70
I'm feeling kind of confused.
I had the opportunity to get what
I thought I had wanted...
my freedom.
I realized that it's not what
I thought I had wanted.
I don't want to be free from
the chains of marriage.
Marriage is not what is binding me.
My fear is what holds me back.
You just became a convenient excuse,
someone to blame
for what I wasn't getting
accomplished in my life.
Marriage...
is the union of two souls.
Two people coming together
to form a better and more perfect union.
To learn and grow.
To assist and teach each other.
To share and to love.
To live and to die.
but, together for better or for worse.
It's not my marriage that I'm so
disappointed with...
my life feels empty,
my dream career goes no where
and I've transferred that frustration
onto the one person who I
should be supporting the most,
not criticizing.
September 16, 1996
Marriage

71. 71
Who am I?
I don't know.
I am forever searching
to find something to fill
the emptiness within.
Don't you try to fill the emptiness?
Don't you try to fill that space?
Isn't that what love and affection is for?
But, what happens when the excitement wears off?
What then?
I hope you have a good hobby
to keep you occupied.
I have several,
but that doesn't always work.
Sometimes the depression
from being lonely
creeps up on me.
No matter what I do,
I still feel so empty
that I do nothing.
I lay on the couch and watch that endless T.V.,
the nonsense comes flooding,
my brain stops working,
and I forget that I'm lonely.
At least I think I forget why
I was watching T.V.,
why I was depressed,
and why I was
lonely in the first place.
date unknown
Who Am I

72. 72

73. 73
I know what its like
to be standing in the middle of the road
looking down at that white line
teetering on one leg and ready to lose my balance.
It wouldn't take much
to top my weight over to the other side.
The other side-
that's supposed to be... insanity,
but right now its looking pretty sane to me.
Here I am
surrounded by what seems insanity,
and over there it seems quiet and peaceful.
All around me are people
making ridiculous demands,
screaming accusations,
and telling lies about me.
I wonder how much more
I can take
before I fall to the other side.
...maybe it's safe over there.
...maybe they can't follow me there.
...maybe they will leave me alone.
Sometimes I feel like I'm falling...
that I've lost my grasp on reality,
but then I ask myself
"what is real?"
"Am I real?"
"Or are they real?"
Certainly, if I had a choice
they would not be in my reality for...
I would vanquish them all away.
Middle of The Road...

74. 74
One wave of the hand,
one special word said out loud.
Gone, they are all gone.
But, then something always happens
and the ground magically appears beneath my feet,
and I'm not near the white line any more.
I'm not even on the road.
The earth surrounds me every where
and all is right with my world.
How crazy I must have seemed
to myself and everyone else around me.
One woman falling down,
stumbling in just one moment of time,
and picking herself back up again.
What seemed real at the time
is now just an illusion, a dream.
Something that you just want to forget about,
that embarrasses you, and you don't ever
want to speak about it again.
How could I have possibly considered ending my life.
How could I have let people and things
bother me so much
that the only way out was to end it all.
But, then there comes the sadness, the loneliness.
A condition so wide spread
that so many people are affected
that they had to give it a name.
Depression.
what is depression?
It's that endless sense of hopelessness.
September 23, 1997

75. 75
Thoughts on Mimers...
Don't you know what it is
that you mean to me ?
Can't you understand what
it is that I want from you ?
That I need from you ?
I see your little face in the morning
demanding attention on your terms.
To be loved by your terms.
Always, on your terms.
You give very little these days,
and you take a lot,
and I wonder...
why I keep you around.
Yet, I know why.
I know that you provide stability.
that you'll always be there for me
when I need you.
I know that you bring me
that "sense" of home
that makes me feel
safe and secure.
I know that you are just a cat.
but ... your my cat,
and I love you.
September 30, 1997

76. 76
I know what it's like to run free.
I know what it's like to want to run free,
but to hold myself back.
I know what it's like to want to run free,
and to have another hold me back.
I know what it's like to run free,
and not let the other know
that I'm running free.
Whether I run or not.
Whether I'm free or not.
I'd always want it to be
of my choice.
date unknown
I Know...

77. 77
Trapped
I find myself trapped
I have no free time
no time to call my own
no time to recover my senses
no time to think
I go to work
I come home
I go to work
I come home
Where is there a time or a place for me
I'm trapped in this time warp called "work"
The work day is too long
it leaves me drained and weak
I' m bombarded daily with other peoples problems
just go away
get out of my face
I'm trapped in this time warp called work
that four letter word
I go home, no one's there and I'm alone
I go to work and every one's there
but, they have their own problems to deal with
just yell at me and get it out of your senses
that solves your problems
but what about mine?
date unknown

78. 78
I really enjoy getting lost in other people's ideas and thoughts.
Maybe because my life is so boring. I used to imagine it was
because I wanted to become smarter that I read so much
but, as the years have passed maybe it's because what I
really wanted was to avoid life, avoid reality, escape from my
disappointments. Escape from all that traps me in my world,
my job, myself. All the things that keep me from doing what
I really want to do. All the pain of failure because I failed to
motivate myself. Instead I just let myself sink so low that I no
longer feel creative. I've cut myself off from the light. Encased
myself in self doubt. Curled up into a tiny fetal ball and died
inside. I've turned my back on the creative light of god. I've
closed myself off from my soul. I no longer feel in tune with
that creative part of my "self". So, I need to ask, "self, where
are you?" and "self, how do I get you back?"
I used to write to myself a lot, but some how I either didn't
think I needed to any more, or I didn't put the time into it.
Or...I became someone else, who thought that she was
healed magically and no longer needed it. But, I was wrong.
All along my soul has been aching for something that was
missing. I've tried several times in the last couple of years to
reconnect with myself. I tried and failed. I say failed because
I didn't keep it up or maintain it.
How does this make me feel?
Like I'm unfinished, unfulfilled, sometimes unhappy.
That there is something for me still left to do.
That I'm dissatisfied with myself and that I haven't
accomplished what I had dreamed of accomplishing.
February 16, 1997
Unfinished...

79. 79
The End.