The document discusses the practice of co-sleeping, or having babies and young children sleep in the same bed as parents. It notes that while co-sleeping is common in many cultures and societies, there are debates around the advantages and disadvantages. Psychologists interviewed believe co-sleeping can strengthen emotional bonds but may strain parental relationships. The document explores different parents' experiences with co-sleeping and provides perspectives from both supporters and opponents.

1. 60 living and loving March 2014
S
ome parents choose
to let their babies
sleep in the same
room or in bed with
them, as it’s easier to care for
their little ones when they’re
within arm’s reach. But co-
sleeping beyond the infant
and breastfeeding years have
become more prevalent and
parents choose the family bed
route throughout toddlerhood.
Mariando Pieterse, mom to
four-year-old Tylo and seven-
month-old Marione, believes in
the advantages of co-sleeping.
Tylo sleeps snuggly between
her and her husband at night.
“You can attend to your child’s
needs immediately. I’m very
protective over my kids and I
feel more at ease when they’re
close to me,” she notes.
Baby on board
According to Kim Lazarus
and Charine Glen-
Spyron, psychologists at
the Bella Vida Centre in
Johannesburg, co-sleeping
is when a baby or young
child sleeps with – or close
to – one or both of his
parents, as opposed to
sleeping in a separate room.
“Co-sleeping’s
a common practice
worldwide, including
South Africa. In a culturally
diverse country like ours,
co-sleeping’s widely
accepted and practiced
by many communities,”
say Lazarus and Glen-
Spyron. Licia Selepe, mom
to 17-month-old Reneilwe,
chose co-sleeping for
cultural reasons. “In my
culture, co-sleeping’s not
something you have to
decide on or even think
about first. It’s commonly
practiced and it’s for the
security of your child,”
she notes.
But this is not to say
that co-sleeping is limited
to one cultural group.
“Co-sleeping has been re-
introduced relatively recently
into the Western sectors of
South African society, and
more-and-more families are
reporting that they co-sleep
with their children,” say
Lazarus and Glen-Spyron.
Karien Slabbert looks at the
advantages and disadvantages
of having your little one
sleep in bed with you.
Safeandsound
According to Lazarus and
Glen-Spyron, co-sleeping
can help with a child’s
psychological development,
as it provides a secure
environment. Being close to
a parent – or both parents
– makes the child feel safe
and wanted, which helps
with emotional development.
This creates a sense
of security and forms
the springboard for a
healthy and secure bond
between parent and child.
Lazarus and Glen-Spyron
add that the physical
proximity facilitates long-
term attachment. Also,
the parents and child can
spend more time together.
Bedtime
story

2. 61living and loving March 2014
toddler
The ties
that bind
“Co-sleeping ensures
that one’s baby or child
is kept in close proximity
when he or she’s asleep,”
say Lazarus and Glen-
Spyron. They add
that this helps satisfy
both the parents and
child’s emotional and
physical needs.
Selepe believes that
co-sleeping helps with
bonding with her child.
“I love having my little
girl close to me and
co-sleeping helps with
that. It gives me more
time to snuggle with
her. I prefer to have my
child sleeping next to
me, so I can make sure
she’s okay,” she notes.
Nicola Woods,
mom to four-year-old
Jennavieve, is a single
mom who works full-
day. She agrees that
co-sleeping’s a way to
bond with her child. “At
night we climb into bed
together and cuddle up
to fall asleep. Some days
it’s the only time I spend
with her,” she notes.
This close physical
proximity helps foster
– and strengthen – the
physical and emotional
bond between a parent
and child – especially
given parents’ busy
daytime schedules.
“Co-sleeping facilitates
a stronger attachment.
This closeness creates
more emotional security
and stability for the baby,
as she feels loved by her
parents,” say Lazarus
and Glen-Spyron.
Rest assured
Lazarus and Glen-Spyron
point out that co-sleeping
often allows the mom to get
in more sleep. This enables
her to be more emotionally
and physically available to
cater for her child’s needs.
“Feeling rested and content
will help develop the bond
between mother and child
and will make her feel calmer,
and this will spill over into
the relationship between
mom and baby,” they note.
“By being more rested,
the parents’ relationship
can also develop and grow,
and both parents may be
emotionally available and
willing to prioritise the
baby’s needs,” they add.
Selepe says that co-
sleeping has helped with her
sleeping patterns: “Since I
don’t have to go to the next
room, I find it less disruptive
and go back to sleep faster.
I can feel when my child
wakes up and attend to
her right away. She doesn’t
have to wake up completely
and cry to get a response. It
made nighttime feeds easier
while I was breastfeeding.”
Woods agrees that co-
sleeping has helped with
her sleeping patterns. “I
need lots of sleep. But if I
get up in the night, I can’t
fall asleep again. So it’s
easier to feed my child in
bed and fall asleep straight
afterwards,” she notes.
Sheree Snyman, mom to
two-year-old Cayden, allows
her son to sleep in their bed
occasionally. “When you
have small kids, a demanding
job, while also being a
wife, you want every bit of
sleep you can get. They just
sleep better when they’re in
bed with you,” she says.
Mutual
agreement
If you’re married or in a
relationship, Lazarus and
Glen-Spyron point out that
it’s important that both
parents are happy with the
co-sleeping arrangement.
Otherwise, feelings of
resentment and anger may
arise. “If one parent’s unhappy
with the arrangement, then
co-sleeping becomes an
emotional stressor – rather
than a facilitator,” they note.
Pieterse acknowledges
her husband doesn’t always
agree with the sleeping
arrangements. “Although
co-sleeping helps with
bonding between parents
and their children, it’s not the
case between the husband
and wife,” she points out.
When it becomes
an excuse
Co-sleeping can become an excuse not to
be intimate, which can harm a
relationship. “We have to plan
sex. Sometimes, when I don’t
feel like it, I use the children as
an excuse,” admits Pieterse.
She’s also candid about
the fact that she fears she
might be transferring her
own insecurities to her
kids. “Because of my
own insecurities and
unwillingness to let go,
my children might take
longer to become
independent. I feel
they’re small for
such a short time
and you have the
rest of your life with
your husband,”
she says. ➥

3. 62 living and loving March 2014
Never co-sleep
with your
baby if you:
● are a smoker (no matter
where or when you smoke)
● have consumed alcohol
● have taken any drug
or medication
● are unusually tired
● sleep on a sofa or
waterbed, beanbag or
a sagging mattress.
A matter
of time
So when is a good time to
stop the co-sleeping routine?
This is a personal decision and
there are no right and wrong
answers, say Lazarus and
Glen-Spyron. “It’s up to you
and your family’s preferred
arrangements,” they note.
However, they point out
many medical experts state
that the transition from co-
sleeping to a cot or bed should
occur between five to eight
months old. “At this stage, it’s
usually an easier transition,
compared to when the child’s
Five top advantages
to co-sleeping
There are many advantages
to co-sleeping, according
to Lazarus and Glen-
Spyron. These include:
● It reduces the risk of
sudden infant death
syndrome (Sids). Research
has shown that babies
and infants who sleep
safely nestled next to their
parents are less likely
to succumb to Sids.
● Sleeping with your baby
allows you to monitor
and be aware of her
every movement. It also
allows the mom or dad
to attend to their child
before the little one
becomes distressed.
The baby doesn’t have
to wait in her cot or bed
until her parents hear her
cry. This adds to creating
a healthy attachment
between parent and
child and reflects on the
parent’s availability to
attend to the child’s needs.
The baby often settles
faster and is able to fall
asleep quicker when the
parents are present.
● Many babies need
help going back to
sleep because of a
developmental issue
called object-person
permanence. When a
person’s out of sight,
he/she’s out of mind. Most
babies younger than a
year don’t have the ability
to think of the parent
as existing somewhere
else. When babies wake
up alone in a cot, they
become scared and are
often unable to resettle
back into a deep sleep.
With the parents’ presence,
which co-sleeping creates,
this developmental
quirk is avoided.
● Co-sleeping encourages
breastfeeding by making
nighttime feeds more
convenient. The mom’s
able to breastfeed in bed
and the times between
feeds and sleep is less,
which creates a happier
and well-rested child.
● Often the dad spends
most of the day at work,
and doesn’t get to spend
as much time with the
child as the mom does.
Co-sleeping gives the
dad more time to spend
with his child. This helps
facilitate the development
of this attachment bond.
The disadvantages
But there’s also a downside:
● It limits physical contact
between partners and
may put strain on the
parental relationship.
● A number of child deaths
have been caused by
parents rolling over onto
the child during the
night. This is particularly
common among
parents who abuse
drugs and alcohol.
62 living and loving March 2014

4. 63living and loving March 2014
A personal choice
The concept of ‘different
strokes for different folks’
seem to apply to co-sleeping,
or bed-sharing. Some parents
view co-sleeping as the most
natural thing in the world,
while others believe it’s a
complete no-go.
It’s a debate that tends
to divide parents. Some
believe that it facilitates family
bonding and gives children
a healthy, happy start to life.
No childcare expert or Super
Nanny could convince them
otherwise. Others say that
bed-sharing with their kids kill
a couple’s intimacy and create
codependency issues.
According to Lazarus and
Glen-Spyron, co-sleeping
is a personal choice. “It’s
not about right and wrong,
but rather what feels right
for both parent and child. It
is vital to look at the needs
of both parent and child
when deciding to co-sleep.
It’s important to ask where
the baby is more restful and
peaceful to ensure that the
baby gets enough sleep as
possible,” they point out. l&l
Side-by-side
– or not
Lacqui Lund, mom to
seven-month-old Rose,
decided not to have their
baby sleep with them in
bed. Instead, their daughter
slept in a crib next to the
bed until she was nearly four
months old. “It worked well
for those months because
I was breastfeeding so
regularly. I’d just pick her
up, feed and put her back
in her crib,” she notes.
“However, at about
three months I realised
that it was wreaking havoc
with both of our sleeping
patterns.” They decided to
move their daughter to her
own room. “Her bedroom
is next door to ours so we
could hear if she cried, but
we could no longer hear the
snuffles and snorts, so we
all slept better,” says Lund.
No go
Adéle Combrink, mom
to two-year-old Migael,
says that she didn’t let her
newborn sleep in bed with
them. “Personally, I wonder
whether co-sleeping can be
regarded as a healthy type of
bonding. I think there’s a lot
of other things that help with
bonding, like breastfeeding.
I don’t really think that a child
who sleeps in his own bed
will have bonding issues.”
Combrink feels that co-
sleeping’s not a sustainable
practice. “I don’t see how
children older than 30
months can still sleep in bed
with their parents.” Also,
Combrink doesn’t see how
the long-term pro’s can
outweigh the con’s. “I think
that for a child to sleep in
his own bed sets a healthy
boundary,” she notes.
Snyman agrees. “Kids
need to understand that
parents need to spend
‘quality’ time together. I
think they’re less attached at
bedtime if they learn from a
young age to go to their own
beds and rooms to sleep.”
toddler
older. It’s also important that
the transition occurs before the
co-sleeping habit is ingrained
and other developmental
issues like separation anxiety
come into play,” they note.
Despite this, some moms
choose to postpone moving
their children to their own
beds. Selepe says she plans
to let her daughter sleep in her
own bed when she’s ready.
Likewise, Pieterse says that
they’ll start working on letting
their son sleep in his own
bed before he goes to school
when he’s more independent.
Woods hasn’t set a time limit
to moving her daughter to her
own room yet. “We’ll take it
as it comes. When she is old
enough and wants her own
space, her bed is waiting for
her in her room,” she notes.
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