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1. Penny’s a ROBOT??!? Also I think the world is ending or
something…
THE BEACON POST
Published By Team PEAK
Welcome to the shit show everyone.
Written By Eris Atropa
Want to advertise? Visit:
www.GivePateMoneyNow.edu
The “Bring on the Angst” Edition!
This week’s article
brought to you by Lie
Ren’s Algae Health
Shakes
Photography provided by Velvet
Scarlatina. Um… thanks… I guess.
Local Woman Cockblocks Self with
Psychic Powers We All Kinda Forgot
about Because of Crippling Leaf Phobia.
“…not poison…”
- Nora Valkyrie
Ren even gave us
some for the office
and it was…
delicious… All the
plants are dead
though.
After some frightening health tips from Team
JNPR, local doofus Jaune Arc finally decides to
grow a pair. Following some totes adorable
snuggling between some of Beacon’s most
shippable teammates, Jaune decides to give
Nikos a pep talk that would have been great in
literally any other situation. Instead of being
comforted, Nikos decided to give the ever
unfortunate Mr. Arc a “Magneto Bitchslap” which
is coincidentally the name of one of my favorite
cocktails. Nikos later was seen drowning her
sorrows in cotton candy.
Glenda Goodwitch was also seen in the area
saying, “Fuck this shit I’m out!” She’s probably just
stressed.
In other news, the next
matchup for the 1v1
rounds of the Vytal
Festival tournament
have been selected with
absolutely no
investigation into the
abject fuckery that
happened last time. Our
contestants toady are
Ms. obviously not a
robot, Penny Polendina,
and possibly emotional
unstable magnet god
Pyrrha Nikos. This can

2. Vale man decapitates robot, shows up drunk
to sword fight.
The official statement
according to Beacon
press correspondent
Glenda Goodwitch is
that, “None of this ever
happened, get that
camera out of my face,
you can’t prove
THE POST
www.burnie.com ”WORLD’S BEST NEWSPAPER” - Jaune's mother
57
Cockbite Publishing
Page 57
Despite being a figment of all of our
collective imagination, hallucination Ozpin
still managed to throw a decent amount of
shade at everyone’s good friend, General
Ironwood. The content of the hallucination
mainly explained stuff anyone attending
the Vytal festival tournament should
already know. Ozpin ended saying that
despite whatever path huntsmen chose,
they must never succumb to The
Darkness…
Lastly, the confusingly named Team RWBY, made
up of Wiess “I’m too good for poor people toilet
paper” Schnee, Blake “Neko furry/former terrorist
agent” Belladonna, Yang “got drunk and made out
with courtyard sculpture” Xiao Long, and their
leader Ruby Rose who is like super adorable, like
oh my god she just aAhAGaha. I mean umm. uh.
Nothing… They won their match too… Shut up.
Notes on last week’s issue: Yes. I know the robot
was an Atlesian Knight not an Elysium Paladin.
You’re probably thinking that as a citizen of
remnant, I should know the name of the world’s
largest military power but I think that I don’t get
paid enough. Oh wait, I don’t get paid. I have also
been informed that our drunken assailant’s name
is Qrow Branflakes not Crow Branflakes. ‘Cause
you know, thats how you fuckin’ spell that.
Also, if you're wondering how his date with our
field reporter went, Qrow showed up and
remarked, “Huh, I honestly thought you were a
woman. Eh, whatever.” The rest of the night about
how you'd expect. Koal said it was, “magical but
[he] didn’t understand some parts of it.” Somebody