Humor from a to z vol. 3

HUMOR FROM A TO Z VOL. 3
EDITED BY GLE PEASE
A
AMERICA
What is an American?
We yell for the Government to balance the budget, then take the last dime we
have to make the down payment on a car.
We whip the enemy in battle, then give them the shirt off our backs.
We yell for speed laws that will stop fast driving, then won't buy a car if it
can't go over 100 miles an hour.
Americans get scared to death if we vote a billion dollars for education, then
are unconcerned when we find out we are spending three billion dollars a year for
cigarettes.
We know the line-up of every baseball team in the American and ational
Leagues but don't know half the words in the "Star Spangled Banner".
We'll spend half a day looking for vitamin pills to make us live longer, then
drive 90 miles an hour on slick pavement to make up for lost time.
We tie up our dog while letting our sixteen year old son run wild.
We will work hard on a farm so we can move into town where we can make
more money so we can move back to the farm.
In the office we talk about baseball, shopping or fishing, but when we are out
at the game, the mall or on the lake, we talk about business.
We are the only people in the world who will pay $6.00 to park our car while
eating a $.39 sandwhich.
We're the country that has more food to eat than any other country in the
world and more diets to keep us from eating it.
We run from morning to night trying to keep our earning power up with our
yearning power.
We're supposed to be the most civilized Christian nation on earth, but we
still can't deliver payrolls without an armored car.
We have more experts on marriage than any other country in the world and
still have more divorces.

B
BACHELORS
Two old Bachelors were living in one house;
One caught a Muffin, the other caught a Mouse.
Said he who caught the Muffin to him who caught the Mouse,--
'This happens just in time! For we've nothing in the house,
'Save a tiny slice of lemon nd a teaspoonful of honey,
'And what to do for dinner -- since we haven't any money?
'And what can we expect if we haven't any dinner,
'But to loose our teeth and eyelashes and keep on growing thinner?'
Said he who caught the Mouse to him who caught the Muffin,--
'We might cook this little Mouse, if we had only some Stuffin'!
'If we had but Sage andOnion we could do extremely well,
'But how to get that Stuffin' it is difficult to tell'--
Those two old Bachelors ran quickly to the town
And asked for Sage and Onions as they wandered up and down;
They borrowed two large Onions, but no Sage was to be found
In the Shops, or in the Market, or in all the Gardens round.
But some one said, -- 'A hill there is, a little to the north,
'And to its purpledicular top a narrow way leads forth;--
'And there among the rugged rocks abides an ancient Sage,--
'An earnest Man, who reads all day a most perplexing page.
'Climb up, and seize him by the toes! -- all studious as he sits,--
'And pull him down, -- and chop him into endless little bits!
'Then mix him with your Onion, (cut up likewise into Scraps,)--
'When your Stuffin' will be ready -- and very good: perhaps.'
Those two old Bachelors without loss of time
The nearly purpledicular crags at once began to climb;
And at the top, among the rocks, all seated in a nook,
They saw that Sage, a reading of a most enormous book.
'You earnest Sage!' aloud they cried, 'your book you've read enough in!--
'We wish to chop you into bits to mix you into Stuffin'!'--
But that old Sage looked calmly up, and with his awful book,
At those two Bachelors' bald heads a certain aim he took;--

and over crag and precipice they rolled promiscuous down,--
At once they rolled, and never stopped in lane or field or town,--
And when they reached their house, they found (besides their want
of Stuffin',)
The Mouse had fled; -- and, previously, had eaten up the Muffin.
They left their home in silence by the once convivial door.
And from that hour those Bachelors were never heard of more.
EDWARD LEAR
BLO DE HUMOR
A "Smart" Blonde Joke
A Blonde walks into a bank in ew York City and asks for the loan
officer. She says she is going to Europe on business for two weeks and
needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some
kind of security for such a loan, so the Blonde hands over the keys to a
new Rolls Royce parked on the street in front of the bank. Everything
checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the
loan. An employee drives the Rolls into the bank's underground garage
and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the Blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest,
which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "We are very happy to have
had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but
we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and
found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why would you
bother to borrow $5,000?"
The Blonde replied, "Where else in ew York can I park my car for two
weeks for 15 bucks?"
Another Blonde Joke
-
A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each
other on a flight from LA to Y. The lawyer asks if
she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired,
just wants to take a nap, politely declines and
rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists and explains that the game
is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, "I ask you a
question, and if you don't know the answer, you
pay me $5.00, and vise versa." Again, she declines
and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you
don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and
if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00."
This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring
there will be no end to this torment unless she plays,
agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the
distance from the earth to the moon?" The blond
doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out
a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer.
"Okay," says the lawyer, "your turn."
She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with
three legs and comes down with four legs?"
The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and
searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air
phone with his modem and searches the net and the Library of
Congress, no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends
and coworkers, to no avail.
After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands
her $500.00.
The blonde says, "Thank you," and turns back to get some more
sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the
blonde and asks,
"Well, what's the answer?"
Without a word, the blonde reaches into her
purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.
Blondes on Weight
A blonde is terribly overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet. "I want you to eat
regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks.
The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds."

When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds. "Why, that's amazing!" the
doctor says. "Did you follow my instructions?"
The blonde nods. "I'll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third
day."
"From hunger, you mean?"
" o, from skipping."
Blondes on Cars
A blonde tried to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems selling it, because
the car had almost 230,000 miles on it. One day, she told her problem to a brunette
she worked with her at a salon. The brunette told her, "There is a possibility to
make the car easier to sell, but it's not legal."
"That doesn't matter," replied the blonde, "if I only can sell that car."
"Okay," said the brunette. "Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car
repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will 'fix it.' Then it should not be a problem
to sell your car anymore."
The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic. About one month
after that, the brunette asked the blonde, "Did you ever sell your car?"
" o," replied the blonde, "why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it!"
Did you hear about the blonde that...
Took her new scarf back to the store because it was too tight
Couldn't learn to water ski because she couldn't find a lake with a slope.
Got excited because she finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months and the box said "2 to
4 years"
Was trapped on an escalator for hours when the power went out.
Couldn't call 911 because there was no 11 on any phone button.
When asked what the capital of California was; answered "C"
Burnt her nose bobbing for french fries.
Baked a turkey for 3 days because the instructions said 1 hour per pound and she
weighed 125.
Can't make Kool-Aid because 8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets.
Hates M&M's because they are so hard to peel.
Got hurt while raking leaves; fell out of the tree.
Changes the baby's diaper only once a month because the label says "good up to 20
pounds"
The ews and the Bet...
A blonde and a redhead are watching the 6 o'clock news one evening. The redhead

bets the blonde $50 that the man in the lead story, who is threatening to jump from
a 40 story building, will jump.
"I'll take that bet," the blonde replied.
A few minutes later, the newscaster breaks in to report that the man had, indeed,
jumped from the building. The redhead, feeling sudden guilty for having bet on
such an incident, turns to the blonde and tells her that she does not need to pay the
$50.
" o, a bet's a bet," the blonde replies, "I owe you $50 dollars."
The redhead, feeling even more guilty, replies " o, you don't understand, Honey. I
saw the 5:30 edition, so I knew how it was going to turn out."
"That's okay," the blonde replies, "I saw it earlier too, but I sure didn't think he'd
do it again."
Brain transplant
The patient's family gathered to hear what the specialists had to say."Things don't
look good. The only chance is a brain transplant. This is an experimental procedure.
It might work, but the bad news is that brains are very expensive, and you will have
to pay the costs yourselves."
"Well, how much does a brain cost?" asked the relatives.
"For a male brain, $500,000. For a female brain, $200,000."
Some of the younger male relatives tried to look shocked, but all the men nodded in
understanding, and a few actually smirked.
Then the patient's daughter asked, "Why the difference in price between male
brains and female brains?"
"A standard pricing practice," said the head of the team. "Women's brains have to
be marked down because they are used."
C

CATS A D DOGS
What is a Cat? What is a Dog?
So, What is a Cat?
Cats do what they want.
They rarely listen to you.
They're totally unpredictable.
When you want to play, they want to be alone.
When you want to be alone, they want to play.
They expect you to cater to their every whim.
They're moody.
They leave hair everywhere.
CO CLUSIO : They're tiny women in little fur coats.
And, What is a Dog?
Dogs spend all day sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture in the
house.
They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but don't
hear you when you're in the same room.
They can look dumb and lovable all at the same time.
They growl when they are not happy.
When you want to play, they want to play.
When you want to be alone, they want to play.
They leave their toys everywhere.
They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try to give you a kiss.
They go right for your crotch as soon as they meet you.
CO CLUSIO : They're tiny men in little fur coats.
CHURCH HUMOR
In Memorial
One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex was staring up at the
large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. The plaque was
covered with names, and small flags were mounted on either side of it.
The seven-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the
pastor walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, "Good morning,

Alex."
"Good morning, pastor," replied the young man, still focused on the
plaque.
"Pastor McGhee, what is this?" Alex asked.
"Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in
the service."
Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque. Little Alex's
voice was barely audible when he asked, "Which service, the 9 o' clock
or the 11 o' clock?"
"The Head Hog"
submitted by Pastor Otis ixdorf
The secretary picked up the phone and heard a very countryfied voiceon the other
end saying; "I want to talk to the head hog at thetrough!"Puzzled, the secretary
said, "Excuse me sir?"He repeated; "I want to talk to the head hog at the trough!"
She then realized the man wanted to talk to the pastor. Somewhatindignant she
said, "Sir if you want to talk to our pastor, you willhave to address him properly.
You should call him Pastor, or Reverend,or Brother, but you certainly cannot refer
to him as the Head Hog atthe Trough!"The man on the other end said in a country
drawl, "Oh I just wanted todonate $10,000. to the church."
The secretary promptly replied, "Can you hold please, I think the bigpig just
walked through the door!"
Little Thomas is attending his first wedding. After the service, his cousin asks him,
"How many women can a man marry?"
"Sixteen," Thomas quickly replies.
"How do you know that?" asks his cousin.
"Easy," replies Thomas. "All you have to do is add it up, like the Bishop said, 4
better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer."
-----
Little Mary gets more and more restless as the preacher's sermon drags on and on.
Finally, she leans over to her mother and whispers, "Mummy, if we give him the
money now, will he let us go?"
-----
After his baby brother has been christened in church, little Johnny sobs in the back
seat of the car all the way home. His father asks him three times what is wrong.
Finally, Johnny replies, "The priest said he wants us brought up in a Christian
home, but I want to stay with you guys!"
-----
Joan asks her Sunday school class, "I want you all to draw pictures of your
favourite Bible stories." As she goes round looking at how her class are getting on,

she’s puzzled by little Peter’s picture which shows four people on an airplane, so she
asks him which story it is meant to represent.
"The Flight to Egypt, miss" says Peter.
Pointing at each figure in turn, Joan says, "That must be Mary, that must be Joseph
and that must be Baby Jesus, but who's the fourth person, Peter?"
"Oh, that's Pontius - the pilot, miss!"
COOKI G
Signs You're a Bad Cook
You use the smoke alarm as a cooking timer.
You consider it a culinary success if the pop-tart stays in one piece.
Your dog goes to the neighbors' to eat.
Your family buys Rolaids and Kaopectate in bulk.
When you barbecue, two of your kids hold water guns and the third stands ready by
the phone with 911 on speed-dial.
Your family automatically heads for the dinner table every time they hear a fire
truck siren.
The EPA insists that all your garbage cans be marked with biohazard symbols.
Your microwave display reads "TILT!"
Your two best recipes are meatloaf and apple pie, but your dinner guests can't tell
which is which.
Your pie filling bubbles over and eats the enamel off the bottom of the oven.
You've used three boxes of scouring pads and a bottle of Drano and a crowbar, and
that macaroni and cheese still won't let go of the pan.
Pest control companies keep pestering you for your recipes.
You make tuna noodle surprise and the surprise is that it glows in the dark and
melts the silverware.
Your kids know exactly what 'peas porridge in a pot nine days old' tastes like.
Your family prays before A D after they eat!
D
THE MAGIC OF DE TISTRY
by Dr. Ralph F. Wilson
---- Line ----
You probably have your own dental horror story. Here's mine.We used to belong
to a dental group office that changed dentistsfairly often. The really good dentists

seemed to go on to establish
their own practices. But young Dr. Bozo, I'll call him, was not one ofthose.I listen
to him offer rude remarks about patients to the receptionistwhile I wait. Finally, Dr.
Bozo bounces into the dental cubicle where I am reclining at a vulnerable angle,
dressed with a throw-away bibfastened around my neck by a cold chain. "And how
is our patienttoday," Dr. Bozo asks patronizingly. He continues to babble on.
"My tooth..." I try to explain, my mouth traumatized by the ghastlytube sucking a
hole in my cheek. "My tooth needs to have the temporaryfilling removed." I point to
the tooth, sure they don't teachgarble-talk translation in dental school.He glances at
the chart prepared by the previous dentist. Out comesthe long, thin needle, dripping
ovocaine. He jams it into my gums.Ouch. Why there? I wonder silently as I wait
for my lips to droop andsaliva to slobber out onto my clean bib.
Dr. Bozo finally comes back. "Are we numb?" he asks, slapping my cheekwith his
fingers. He takes out his drill, switches on its grindingwhir, and sets to work. Ouch!
Stop! I push him away. He's drilling on opposite side of my mouth from where he
put the ovocaine. Heseems perturbed. I yank out the sucking tube myself. "You
put the ovocaine in the wrong side of my mouth!"
I can see a shadow of doubt flit across his face, but it is
3immediately replaced by a maddening"everything's-all-right-what's-wrong-with-
you" smile as he reaches forhe insidious needle once more.Oh no. o mistake," he
says cheerfully. "Open wide." Back goes thatawful whistling, gurgling tube. "It's
just the magic of dentistry," hesays as he plunges the needle into the other gum.
The "magic of dentistry," my foot. He just won't admit he made astupid mistake. I
noticed he left soon after that-- not, I don'texpect, to open his own practice.
But there's something Dr. Bozo shares with you and me. It's theunwillingness to
admit we are wrong, and then correct our mistakes.The Bible calls it confession--
owning up to our sins--andrepentance--changing our mind and going the right
direction again.
We get stubborn, hard-headed. It's a sign of insecurity, I'm sure, butwe do it too
often.
How about you? Are you right with God? Are you really walking in Hisway and
diligently leading your family to follow Jesus?
DOCTORS
What Doctors Say, And What They're Really Thinking
1. "There is a lot of that going around."
That's the third one this week. I'd better learn something about this.
2. "Welllllll, what have we here...?"
He has no idea and is hoping you'll give him a clue.
3. "Let me check your medical history."
I want to see if you've paid your last bill before spending any more time with you.
4. "We have some good news and some bad news."
The good news is, I'm going to buy that new BMW. The bad news is, you're going to
pay for it.

5. "Let's see how it develops."
Maybe in a few days it will grow into something that can be cured.
6. "Let me schedule you for some tests."
I have a forty percent interest in the lab.
7. "I'd like to have my associate look at you."
He's going through a messy divorce and owes me a bundle.
8. "I'd like to prescribe a new drug."
I'm writing a paper and would like to use you for a guinea pig.
9. "If it doesn't clear up in a week, give me a call."
I don't know what it is. Maybe it will go away by itself.
10. "This may smart a little."
Last week two patients bit off their tongues.
11. "Well, we're not feeling so well today, are we...?"
I'm stalling for time. Who are you and why are you here?
12. "This should fix you up." The drug company slipped me some big bucks to
prescribe this stuff.
13. "Do you suppose all this stress could be affecting your nerves?"
You're crazier'n an outhouse rat. ow, if I can only find a shrink who'll split fees
with me ...
14. "If those symptoms persist, call for an appointment." I've never heard of
anything so disgusting. Thank goodness I'm off next week.
DOCTOR JOKES
A Big Complaint
A man rushed into the doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!"
The doctor calmly responded, " ow, settle down. You'll just have to be a little
patient."
Bad ews and Worse ews
The doctor calls up the patient and says, "I have some bad news and some worse
news. The bad news is that you have only twenty-four hours left to live."
The patient says, "That is very bad news. What could be worse?"
The doctor says, "I've been trying to reach you since yesterday."
More Bad ews
"Mr. Clark, I'm afraid I have bad news," the doctor told his anxious patient. "You
only have six months to live."
The man sat in stunned silence for the next several minutes. Regaining his
composure, he apologetically told his physician that he had no medical insurance. "I
can't possibly pay you in that time."
"Okay," the doctor said, "let's make it nine months."

Who do you sue?
Two attorneys boarded a flight out of Seattle. One sat in the window seat, the other
sat in the middle seat. Just before takeoff, a doctor took the aisle seat next to the two
attorneys.
The doctor kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the
attorney in the window seat said, "I think I will get up and get a coke."
" o problem," said the doctor. "I'll get it for you."
While the doctor was gone, one of the attorneys picked up one of the, doctor's shoes
and spat in it. When he returned with the coke the other attorney said, "That looks
good, I think I'll have one too."
Again, the doctor obligingly went to fetch the coke. While he was gone, the other
attorney picked up the other shoe and spat in it. The doctor returned and they all
sat back and enjoyed the flight.
As the plane was landing, the doctor slipped his feet into his shoes and knew
immediately what had happened. "How long must this go on," asked the doctor,
"this fighting between our professions? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting
in shoes and pissing in cokes?"
Breast Fed
A woman and a baby come into the doctor's office. She was told to go into a room
and wait for the doctor. After arriving there, the doctor examined the baby and
asked the woman, "Is he breast fed or on the bottle?" Breast fed," she replied. Well,
strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered. She did. He pressed, kneaded and
pinched both breasts for a while in a detailed examination. Motioning to her to get
dressed he said, " o wonder this baby is hungry. You don't have any milk."
aturally," she said, "I'm his Grandma. But I'm glad I came."
Distraught Patient
A distraught patient phoned her doctor's office. "Is it true," the woman wanted to
know, "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life"?
"Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her.
There was a moment of silence before the woman continued... "I'm wondering, then,
just how serious is my condition? This prescription is marked ' O REFILLS!'"
Scary Cure
A woman went to doctors office. She was seen by one of the new doctors, but after
about 4 minutes in the examination room, she burst out, screaming as she ran down
the hall. An older doctor stopped and asked her what the problem was, and she
explained. He had her sit down and relax in another room.
The older doctor marched back to the first and demanded, "What's the matter with
you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children and seven
grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"

The new doctor smiled smugly as he continued to write on his clipboard. "Cured
her hiccups though, didn't I?"
Prognosis Good (from godlaughs.net)
"Doctor, I'd like you to evaluate my 13 year-old son."
"OK: He's suffering from a transient psychosis with an intermittent rage disorder,
punctuated by episodic radical mood swings, but his prognosis is good for full
recovery."
"How can you say all that without even meeting him?"
"I thought you said he's 13?"
A Coughing Funny
The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall. The
owner asks the clerk "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"
The clerk replies, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his
cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."
The owner screams, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with a bottle of laxatives!"
The clerk calmly replies, "Of course you can! Look at him; he's afraid to cough!"
Poison
A lady walked into the drug store and tells the pharmacist she needs some cyanide.
The pharmacist said "Why in the world do you need cyanide?" The lady then
explained she needed it to poison her husband. The pharmacist's eyes got big, and
he said "Lord have mercy, I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's
against the law. I'll lose my license, they'll throw both of us in jail, and all kinds of
bad things will happen. Absolutely not, you can not have any cyanide!"
Then the lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed
with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well
now, you didn't tell me you had a prescription."
Cardiologist's Funeral
A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart covered in
flowers stood behind the casket during the service.
Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then
closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.
At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him,
he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral.........I'm a gynecologist."
Then the proctologist fainted.

DOGS
1. The reason a dog has so many friends is that his tail wags instead of his
tongue. --Anonymous
2. Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are
wonderful. --Ann Landers
3. There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face. --Ben
Williams
4. A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself. --
Josh Billings
5. We give dogs time we can spare, space we can spare and love we can spare.
And in return, dogs give us their all. It's the best deal man has ever made. --M.
Acklam
6. If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise. --Unknown
7. Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and
get used to the idea. --Robert A. Heinlein
8. You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that
says, "Wow, you're right! I never would've thought of that!" --Dave Barry
9. Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole. --Roger Caras
10. We all should strive to be the great person that our dogs think we are. --
Unknown
E
EXAGGERATIO HUMOR
Yo mama so fat she had to go to Sea World to get baptized
Yo mama so fat she got to iron her pants on the driveway
Yo mama so fat she's got more Chins than a Hong Kong phone book!
Yo mama so fat that her senior pictures had to be arial views!
Yo mama so stupid she sold her car for gasoline money!
Yo mama so stupid she bought a solar-powered flashlight!

Yo mama so stupid she thinks a quarterback is a refund!
F
FEMALE A ALYSIS
Women--Chemical Analysis
Element: Women
Symbol: WO
Discovered by: ADAM
Atomic Weight:
Average expected as 118, but there are known
isotopes ranging from 90 to 260, with highly
radioactive occurrences at 250 and better (avoid
at all costs).
Occurrence: Surplus quantities in all urban areas.
(except the general location referred to as POUGHKEEPSIE)
Chemical Properties:
1. Possesses great affinity for Gold(Au),silver(Ag),platinum(Pt),
and precious and semi-precious stones and minerals.
2. Capable of absorbing great quantities of expensive substances.
3. May explode spontaneously if left alone with male.
4. Insoluble in liquids, but activity greatly increased with
saturation in ethanol (alcohol).
5. Yields to pressure if applied to correct points.
Mental Properties:
1. Difficult to ascertain due to the nature of the thought
process that the specimen follows.
a) Revamped testing procedures are under study, but projected
realizations of test availability dates constantly slip.
Physical Properties:

1. Surface very smooth and soft, with many interesting
irregularities, usually selectively covered in painted films.
a) Avoid those that apply different colored films to each
fingernail.
b) Some specimen will exhibit a tendency towards thick
applications of films resulting in eyes that look like they
are bulging out of there heads. Beware this variety as they
may be prone to cracking resulting in a realization of what
you see ain't what you get or lead poisoning.
2. Boils at nothing and freezes without reason.
3. Melts if given proper treatment.
4. Bitter if used incorrectly.
5. Found in various states in nature, ranging from virgin metal
to common ore.
6. Selective specimens have pleasant aroma.
7. Warm to hold. Capable of warming other objects it is held
close to (at times causing overheating).
Uses:
1. Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars.
2. Most powerful reducing agent of money known.
3. Can aid in relaxation.
4. Some versions capable of brightening the day.
5. Can be used to stimulate the heart muscle of a male for what
ever reason.
a) Use with CAUTIO . Positive and egative results have been
obtained for a given stimuli depending on version.
6. Some instrumental for starting GLOBAL WARFARE.
7. Making dinner reservations.
8. Excellent memories for tasks that males generally forget.
9. With a minimum of flattery it is possible to get versions to
perform trivial tasks.
Tests:
1. Pure specimens turn rosy if discovered in natural state.
2. Turns bright green if placed beside better specimen.
3. Become coy when confronted with truth.
Caution:
1. Highly dangerous in inexperienced hands.
2. Illegal to possess more than one permanent specimen, in spite
of the fact that specimens can and do obtain possession of
more than one of the male gender, and lie about it.
3. Terrible drivers.
4. Carry ear plugs to prevent ear damage due to spontaneous
outbursts.
5. Known for rendering telephones into melted slag.

6. Affinity for rolling pins.
7. Generally obtain lawyers for divorce settlements, that can
expand on the idea "weaker sex".
ote:
1. Most specimens are worth keeping, even after adverse reactions
have occured!
FOOD
Food Spoilage Test
FI ALLY, a way to know what to pitch and what to save!
THE GAG TEST - Anything that makes you gag is spoiled (except for leftovers
from what you cooked for yourself last night). Ditto for things that make you
violently ill.
EGGS - When something starts pecking its way out of the shell, the egg is probably
past its prime. Especially if the something is OT a chicken.
DAIRY PRODUCTS - Milk is spoiled when it starts to look like yogurt. Yogurt is
spoiled when it starts to look like cottage cheese. Cottage cheese is spoiled when it
starts to look like regular cheese. Regular cheese is nothing but spoiled milk anyway
and can't get any more spoiled than it is already. Cheddar cheese is spoiled when
you think it is blue cheese but you realize you've never purchased that kind. Blue
cheese, by definition, is never spoiled.
MAYO AISE - If it makes you violently ill after you eat it, the mayonnaise is
spoiled.
FROZE FOODS - Frozen foods that have become an integral part of the
defrosting problem in your freezer compartment will probably be spoiled - (or
wrecked anyway) by the time you pry them out with a kitchen knife.
EXPIRATIO DATES - This is OT a marketing ploy to encourage you to throw
away perfectly good food so that you'll spend more on groceries. Perhaps you'd
benefit by having a calender in your kitchen.
MEAT - If opening the refrigerator door causes stray animals from a three- block
radius to congregate outside your house, the meat is spoiled. (or the smell alone can
make you violently ill and/or unconscious)
BREAD - Sesame seeds and Poppy seeds are the only officially acceptable "spots"
that should be seen on the surface of any loaf of bread. Fuzzy and hairy looking

white or green growth areas are a good indication that your bread has turned into a
pharmaceutical laboratory experiment.
FLOUR - Flour is spoiled when it wiggles.
SALT - It never spoils.
CEREAL - It is generally a good rule of thumb that cereal should be discarded
when it is two years or longer beyond the expiration date.
LETTUCE - Bibb lettuce is spoiled when you can't get it off the bottom of the
vegetable crisper without Comet. Romaine lettuce is spoiled when it turns liquid.
CA ED GOODS - Any canned goods that have become the size or shape of a
softball should be disposed of. Carefully.
CARROTS - A carrot that you can tie in a clove hitch in is not fresh.
RAISI S - Raisins should not be harder than your teeth.
POTATOES - Fresh potatoes do not have roots, branches, or dense, leafy
undergrowth.
CHIP DIP - If you can take it out of its container and bounce it on the floor, it has
gone bad.
EMPTY CO TAI ERS - Putting empty containers back into the refrigerator is an
old trick, but it only works if you live with someone or have a maid.
U MARKED ITEMS - You know it is well beyond prime when you're tempted to
discard the Tupperware along with the food. Generally speaking, Tupperware
containers should not burp when you open them.
GE ERAL RULE OF THUMB - Most food cannot be kept longer than the average
life span of a hamster. Keep a hamster in or nearby your refrigerator to gauge this.
G
GOD

You Can't Fool GOD
"You can fool the hapless public,
You can be a subtle fraud,
You can hide your little meanness,
But you can't fool GOD!
You can advertise your virtues,
You can self-achievement laud,
You can load yourself with riches,
You can criticize the Bible,
You can be a selfish clod,
You can lie, swear, drink, and gamble
You can magnify your talent,
You can hear the world applaud,
You can boast yourself somebody,
But you can't fool GOD!" U K OW
The "Good" Driver
A patrol car has been following this vehicle for about 30 minutes now, when they
finally decide to pull it over. The officer steps out and walks up to the driver's
window.
"Good afternoon sir"
"Good afternoon, any problems ?
" o sir. My partner and I have been following and observing you for a half an hour
now. We ascertained that you have not committed one single traffic violation, you
have not gone over the speed limit by even 1 mph, you were courteous towards the
fellow drivers on the road. Therefore, as a part of our new "solid driving awareness
program" I would like to present you with this check for $30,000.00."
The driver lets out a big sigh of relief:
"Oh good ! ow I can finally pay to get my driver's license. (Ooops!)"
Awkward silence, then the wife sitting in the passenger seat goes:

"Don't listen to him, officer, he always talks nonsense when he has been drinking."
Grandma who's a little hard of hearing adds from the backseat:
"Aye aye aye, didn't I tell you not to go in a stolen car?"
At this time the trunck pops open and a head peeks out:
"Are we over the border yet?"
H
Haircuts -- The Difference Between Men and Women
Women's version:
Woman2: Oh! You got a haircut! That's so cute!
Woman1: Do you think so? I wasn't sure when she was gave me the mirror. I mean,
you don't think it's too fluffy looking?
Woman2: Oh God no! o, it's perfect. I'd love to get my hair cut like that, but I
think my face is too wide. I'm pretty much stuck with this stuff I think.
Woman1: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. And you could easily get
one of those layer cuts - that would look so cute I think. I was actually going to do
that except that I was afraid it would accent my long neck.
Woman2: Oh - that's funny! I would love to have your neck! Anything to take
attention away from this two-by-four I have for a shoulder line.
Woman1: Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your shoulders.
Everything drapes so well on you. I mean, look at my arms - see how short they are?
If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so much easier.
Men's version:
Man2: Haircut?
Man1: Yeah.

HEAVE
This 85 year old couple, having been married almost 60 years, had died in a car
crash. They had been in good health the last ten years mainly due to her interest in
health food, and exercise.
When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion which was
decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite and Jacuzzi. As they
"oohed and aahed" the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.
"It's free," Peter replied, "this is Heaven."
ext they went out back to survey the championship golf course that the home
backed up to. They would have golfing privileges everyday and each week the
course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth.
The old man asked, "what are the green fees?".
Peter's reply, "This is heaven, you play for free."
ext they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisine's
of the world laid out.
"How much to eat?" asked the old man.
"Don't you understand yet? This is heaven, it is free!" Peter replied with some
exasperation.
"Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?" the old man asked timidly.
Peter lectured, "That's the best part...you can eat as much as you like of whatever
you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven."
With that the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping
on it, and shrieking wildly. Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking
him what was wrong.
The old man looked at his wife and said, "This is all your fault. If it weren't for your
blasted bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!"

HELL
Hannah comes home from her afternoon out with her boyfriend Arnold looking
very unhappy.
"What’s the matter, Hannah?" asks her mother.
"Arnold has asked me to marry him," she replies.
"Mazeltov! But why are you looking so sad?" her mother asks.
"Because he also told me that he was an atheist. Oh mum, he doesn't even believe in
Hell."
Her mother then says, "That’s all right Hannah, it really isn’t a problem. I suggest
you marry him and between the two of us, we'll show him how wrong he is."
Home Remedies that REALLY work!
If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water
down your throat and presto! The blockage will be almost instantly removed.
Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to
hold them while you chop away.
Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.
High blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for awhile, thus
reducing the pressure in your veins.
A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over
and going back to sleep when you hit the snooze button.
If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to
cough.
Have a bad tooth ache? Hit your thumb with a hammer and then you will forget
about the tooth ache.
And finally... Be really good to your family and friends. You never know when you
are going to need them to hold the vegetables.
HUMOR A D LAUGHTER
FMC founder Cal Samra well remembers the time, 16 years ago, when he was in a
deep depression. Struggling with health problems, he moved from Michigan to
Arizona, where he tried to find relief at a Franciscan retreat center.
Several of the Franciscans who staffed the center "were really wits," he recalled.
"In the kitchen, they had a print of Jesus laughing by Willis Wheatley. They were
quite buoyant and cheerful people."
With the encouragement of the Franciscans and a prayer group, "I began to see

Jesus in a different light," Mr. Samra said. "They helped me out of this through
prayer and laughter."
Laughing Jesus
Mr. Samra began collecting prints of a joyful Christ from different faith traditions,
and eventually wrote a popular book titled, "The Joyful Christ -- The Healing
Power of Humor." His heroes became St. Francis of Assisi, who instructed his
followers to "be cheerful and of a merry heart," and St. Teresa of Avila, who
prayed, "From somber, serious, sullen saints, save us, O Lord!"
In 1986, the author organized the Fellowship of Merry Christians in response to
requests from clergy and laity alike, and began publishing "The Joyful
oiseletter."
"It's one of the only grassroots organizations in the country to bring people from all
these denominations into a fellowship of good cheer," he explained. "Humor is a
very powerful evangelistic and healing tool."
hy did the Resurrected Stranger accuse Cleopas and his companion of being foolish
and slow hearted? "Then He said unto them, O fools, and slow of heart to believe all
that the prophets have spoken" (Luke 24:25). Isn't a fool, one who acts out with his
life what he believes in his heart, that there is no God? "The fool hath said in his
heart, There is no God" (Psalm 53:1). Foolishness must then be based on the denial
of God and His Word; however slight or innocent it may sound. When we take the
position of rejecting God's Word or His prophets, we take the position of fools.
Slowness of heart "to believe all that the prophets have spoken" (Luke 24:25), is a
dullness that retards and impedes confidence in God. This is backwardness in the
professed Body of Christ. "Of whom we have many things to say, and hard to be
uttered, seeing ye are dull of hearing. For when for the time ye ought to be teachers,
ye have need that one teach you again which be the first principles of the Oracles of
God; and are become such as have need of milk, and not of strong meat" (Hebrews
5:11-12). This backwardness is a backslidden state of heart, that must be turned
away from. "Return, ye backsliding children, and I will heal your backslidings.
Behold, we come unto Thee; for Thou art the LORD our God" (Jeremiah 3:22).
It seems obvious to us now that the LORD Jesus had often told his disciples during
the last year of His earthly ministry that He was to suffer, die, and rise from the
dead. "From that time forth began Jesus to shew unto His disciples, how that He
must go unto Jerusalem, and suffer many things of the elders and chief priests and
scribes, and be killed, and be raised again the third day" (Matthew 16:21). But, the
disciples already had a preconceived notion of their Messiah on the earthly Throne
of David-- and soon. The Apostle Peter went so far as to rebuke the LORD for
making, what appeared to him, that offensive statement. "Then Peter took Him, and
began to rebuke Him, saying, Be it far from Thee, LORD: this shall not be unto
Thee. But He turned, and said unto Peter, Get thee behind Me, Satan: thou art an
offence unto Me: for thou savourest not the things that be of God, but those that be
of men" (16:22-23).

They not only entertained angels unaware, but God Himself.
A three-year-old boy went with his dad to see a litter of kittens. On returning home,
he breathlessly informed his mother, "There were 2 boy kittens and 2 girl"
kittens."
"How did you know?" his mother asked.
"Daddy picked them up and looked underneath", he replied. "I think it's printed on
the bottom."
Gilbert Thomas wrote,
He spake two thousand years ago.
The Word was flesh to His own age.
But later generations know
Only the printed page.
His message? Dons have disagreed,
and blood has flowed because divines
Have lacked the ho;mely wit to read
His smile between the lines.
Rita Snowden, "Was it ever recorded of a dour preacher that 'the common people
heard him gladly?' To some ponderous souls there is something a little irreverent in
the suggestion that Jesus had sometimes 'a twinkle' in His eye. It is hard to think
why--children were not repelled by Himn; there was something different about this
religious teacher. Young people were happy to have Him with them on the happiest
day of their lives--at their wedding-feast. He was plainly not the sort of over-serious
Preacher whose main interest on such occasions was to speak a solemn word in
season. He was far too balanced a Person for that. Life was God's gift-the whole of
it. Because its issues belonged to Eternity, it was often in time, quite laughable."
In a candy store one salesgirl had customers lined up waiting for her while other
girls were idle. The owner asked her what her secret was, and she replied, "Well,
the other girls scoop up more than a pound of candy and then start taking away. I
always scoop up less than a pound and then add to it."
One more prescription: Two women were discussing their pastors. One woman said,
"My pastor is so good he can talk on any subject for an hour."

The other woman responded, "That's nothing. My pastor can talk for an hour
without any subject at all
The Bible in 55 Words:
God made,
Adam bit.
oah arked,
Abraham split.
Jacob fooled,
Joseph ruled.
Bush talked,
Moses balked.
Pharaoh plagued,
People walked.
Sea divided,
Tablets guided.
40 years of sand,
Promised land.
Saul freaked,
David peeked.
Prophets warned,
Jesus born.
God walked,
Love talked.
Anger crucified,
Hope died.
Love rose,
Spirit flamed,
Word spread,
God remained.
Amen.
Abraham Lincoln said, "Most folks are as happy as they make their minds up to
be"

~"The grand essentials of happiness are something to do, something to love, and
something to hope
for" Allan K. Chambers
~"Happiness is not a goal; it is a by product" Eleanor Roosevelt
~"There are those who give joy, and that joy is their reward" Kahlil Gibran
~"The foolish man seeks happiness in the distance, the wise man grows it under his
feet" James
Openhelm
~"Comedy is tragedy plus time" Carol Burnett
My Mom always says "Choose to be happy".
Calvin and I have talked a lot about this for the past several months, comparing the
person who wears
all of his emotions on his sleeve for the world to see, and the person who hides all
emotions. Most of
us are somewhere in between those two extremes.
I am a product of my family. (Aren't we all?) In my family we were taught, by
example, to choose
happiness. That sounds great. And I still am of the persuasion that it is a good thing.
But when does
"choosing to be happy" become a lie?
That has been the focus of the discussions Calvin and I have had lately. I'd like to
add at this point I
am no "Mary Poppins/Doris Day, head in the clouds or the sand" type. I get
depressed. Especially as a
teenager, which I think is common. And sometimes things happen that you can't
overlook. But over all I
choose to be happy. At least that is the way I have seen it.
This is an example of a situation that concerns Calvin. He says or does something
that bothers me. I
choose to ignore it. For the most part in our marriage I have never shown irritation.
He says that by
doing that I put him at a disadvantage. He asked me how he can know to fix
something he doesn't
know is a problem. He said I am doing our marriage a disservice to stay quiet about
things like that.
So over the past few months I have tried to be aware of that and I try to say if
something bothers
me.

Another "family trait" I have is to "put on a happy face". In my family, especially
the women, when
you walk out the door and face non-family members you smile. And I like that, I am
most comfortable
being that way. My question now after all this discussion about this is; is it a lie to
appear happy when
something is bothering you? Don't look at me,,, I don't know the answer yet! LOL.
I'm just thinking
outloud. I do know that, although I may need to modify some aspects of the way I
react to things, I still choose to be happy.
HUMOR
1. Give me a sense of humor, Lord,
Give me the grace to see a joke,
To get some pleasure out of life
And pass it on to other folk.
2. Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the worditself.
Mankind. Basically, it's made up of two separate words--"mank" and "ind". What
do these words mean? It's a mystery, and that'swhy so is mankind.Jack Handey,
Deep Thoughts
3. An aunt of mine was teaching Sunday School. She was telling
the youngsters about Daniel and the Lion's Den. She had a
picture of Daniel standing brave and confident with a group of
lions around him. One of the little eight-year-old girls started
to cry. The teacher said, "Don't cry. The lions are not going to eat
Daniel." The girl said, "That's not what I'm crying about. That little
lion over in the corner is not going to get any."
4. What are the three similarities between praying and kissing? whether you do it
with eyes open or closed. . . whether you moan and groan in agreement. . . whether
you do it with tongues or not
Q: What do you call a charismatic at an auction?A: Broke.
During the time the church was being persecuted in Rome, a christianwas thrown
to the lions. As he waited to be eaten, he knelt down andprayed. Looking up, he was
suprised to see the lion also kneeling inprayer. Seeing, the look of bewilderment on
the christian's face, thelion said to him "I don't know what you're doing, but I'm
saying
grace" Q: Why did God create man before women?A: He didn't want any advice.
A cannible ate a priest and got very sick. Upon visiting the witchdoctor, and
telling of his symptoms, the witch doctor asked how hecooked the priest.The canible
replied that he had broiled it.The Doctor said, "well no wonder you're sick, he was a
Frier"A minister was asked by a politician, ame something the governmentcan do

to help the church", the minister replied, "Quit making onedollar bills."
5. The terrorists have siezed the
"Attorney Building" along with everyone in it. They are demanding $10 Million.
But the
negotiations
break down as the deadline appears. The terrorists announce to the police, "In case
you think
we're
not serious, if our demands aren't met, we're going to start releasing the lawyers,
one at a time.
6. If I had a sense of humor
It would cut my woes in half
My trouble is--when trouble is
I just don't want to laugh.
HUSBA D
Mary was married to a male chauvinist. They both worked full time, but he never
did anything around the house and certainly not any housework. That, he declared,
was woman's work!
But one evening Mary arrived home from work to find the children bathed, a load
of wash in the washing machine and another in the dryer, dinner on the stove and a
beautifully set table, complete with flowers. She was astonished, and she
immediately wanted to know what was going on.
It turned out that Charley, her husband, had read a magazine article that suggested
working wives would be more romantically inclined if they weren't so tired from
having to do all the housework, in addition to holding down a full-time job.
The next day, she couldn't wait to tell her girlfriends at the office. "How did it work
out?" they asked.
Mary said. "Charley even cleaned up, helped the kids with their homework, folded
the laundry and put everything away. I really enjoyed my evening."
"But what about afterward?" her friends wanted to know.
"It didn't work out," Mary said. "Charley was too tired."

I
Insults !
"I hear you were born on a farm. Any more in the litter?"
"I know you're not as stupid as you look. obody could be!"
"I like you. People say I've no taste, but I like you."
"I like your approach, now let's see your departure."
"I'd slap you senseless...but I can't spare three seconds!"
"I thought of you all day today. I was at the zoo."
"If I had a face like yours, I'd sue my parents!"
"If I wanted some "come-back," I would wipe it off your lip."
"If I wanted to hear from an ass, I'd fart."
"If idiots could fly, this would be an airport."
"If sex were fast food, you'd have an arch over your head."
"If what you don't know can't hurt you, she's practically invulnerable."
"If you don't like my opinion of you - improve yourself!"
"If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you get change back."
"If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."
"If you were a body of water, you'd be a kiddie pool."
"I'll never forget the first time we met - although I'll keep trying."
"If you were twice as smart, you'd still be stupid."
"I've seen people like you, but I had to pay admission!"
"Keep talking. I always yawn when I'm interested."
"Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control!"
"Let's play horse. I'll be the front end and you be yourself."
"Make a mental note . . . oh, I see you're out of paper! "
"Last time I saw you, you had lost some weight, looks like you found it."
"You are so stupid, you couldn't pour piss out of a boot if the instructions
were written on the bottom of the heel."
"If my dog had a face like yours I'd shave his ass and walk him backwards."
"The best part of you ran down your own man's leg."
" ice face...want a gun?"
"You're so dull, if you were a Spice Girl, you'd be Amish Spice!"
(Say to loser guy that won't leave you alone) "I'm sorry, I'm not your type.
I'm not inflatable"
"I would have been your dad, but the guy in front of my had correct
change."

"I would have been your dad, but the dog beat me up the stairs."
"All of your ancestors must number in the thousands; it's hard to believe
that many people are to blame for producing you."
"Are you always so stupid or is today a special occasion?"
"Before you came along we were hungry. ow we are fed up."
"Better at sex than anyone, now all he needs is a partner."
"Can I borrow your face for a few days while my ass is on vacation?"
"Did your parents ever ask you to run away from home?"
"Do you want me to accept you as you are or do you want me to like you?"
"Doesn't know the meaning of the word fear, but then again he doesn't know
the meaning of most words."
"Don't feel bad. A lot of people have no talent!"
"Don't you love nature, despite what it did to you?"
"I hear you changed your mind! What did you do with the diaper?"
"Don't you realize that there are enough people to hate in the world already
without your working so hard to give us another?"
"Ever since I saw you in your family tree I've wanted to cut it down."
"Everyone is gifted. Some open the package sooner."
"Excellent time to become a missing person."
"Fat? You're not fat, you're just ... fat."
"He is always lost in thought -- it's unfamiliar territory."
"He is dark and handsome. When it's dark, he's handsome."
"He is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."
"He's not stupid; he's possessed by a retarded ghost."
"He's the reason brothers and sisters shouldn't marry."
"Hi! I'm a human being! What are you?"
"I can't seem to remember you name, and please don't help me!"
"I don't consider you a vulture. I consider you something a vulture would
eat."
"I don't know what makes you so stupid, but it really works!"
"I don't think you are a fool. But then what's MY opinion against thousands
of others?"
"I hear the only place you're ever invited is outside."
"I hear what you're saying but I just don't care."
"I hear you are an officer. Your rank is - just plain rank!"
"I hear you are very kind to animals so please give that face back to the
gorilla."
IRRITATIO S
THI GS THAT IRRITATE A SA E PERSO ...
The person behind you in the supermarket runs his cart into the back of your ankle.
The elevator stops on every floor and nobody gets on.
There's always a car riding your tail when you're slowing down to find an address.
You open a can of soup and the lid falls in.

The tiny red string on the Band-Aid wrapper never works for you.
You can never put anything back in a box the way it came.
Three hours and three meetings after lunch you look in the mirror and discover a
piece of parsley stuck to your front tooth.
You slice your tongue licking an envelope.
Your tire gauge lets out half the air while you're trying to get a reading.
A station comes in brilliantly when you're standing near the radio but buzzes, drifts
and spits every time you move away.
There are always one or two ice cubes that won't pop out of the tray.
You wash a garment with a tissue in the pocket and your entire laundry comes out
covered with lint.
The car behind you blasts its horn because you let a pedestrian finish crossing.
You set the alarm on your digital clock for 7 pm instead of 7 am.
The radio station doesn't tell you who sang that song.
You rub on hand cream and can't turn the bathroom doorknob to get out.
Your glasses slide off your ears when you perspire.
You can't look up the correct spelling of a word in the dictionary because you don't
know how to spell it.
You had that pen in your hand only a second ago and now you can't find it.
You reach under the table to pick something off the floor and smash your head on
the way up.
Trying to find a package of hot dog buns with the same number of buns as the
number of hot dogs.
The waitress that took the order in a clockwise manner comes with the food and
says, "Who got the fish?"
Just when you figure out which is which with the cable channels, they rearrange
them.
The person at the checkout counter is waiting on you and taking your money and
talking and paying attention only to their co-worker.
You fix or put something together and there's a part left over.
Someone decides you've just got to hear about the big surprise ending in the movie
you were going to see.
Some mysterious person sneaks into your house and puts the drink container back
into the fridge with just a few drops left in it.
Tele-marketers phone calls.
That guy on the plane that "carried on" his entire wardrobe.
J
JESUS LAUGHED

“I received several angry letters from readers of my book Living Faith because I
commented there that Jesus could easily have substituted for Jay Leno of David
Letterman on the late-night talk shows. My correspondents seemed to believe it was
sacrilegious to think that Jesus Christ had s sense of humor.” “It is a shame that
so many people believe that Jesus was always solemn, and that therefore the proper
demeanor for his followers is to be grim, stern, even haughty toward others. In fact,
Jesus has a good time, and he encouraged his disciples to join him in enjoying life.”
“Did Jesus laugh? Yes, he did-often, and with a full heart.”
JESUS SAVES
Jesus and Satan have an discussion as to who is the better programmer. This goes
on for a few hours until they come to an agreement to hold a contest, with God as
the judge. They set themselves before their computers and begin. They type
furiously, lines of code streaming up the screen, for several hours straight. Seconds
before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes,taking out the
electricity. Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that the
contest is over. He asks Satan to show what he has come up with.
Satan is visibly upset, and cries, "I have nothing. I lost it all when the power went
out."
"Very well, then," says God, "let us see if Jesus fared any better."
Jesus enters a command, and the screen comes to life in vivid display, the voices of
an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers. Satan is astonished. He stutters, "B-
b-but how? I lost everything, yet Jesus' program is intact. How did he do it?"
God smiled all-knowingly, "Jesus saves."
JOBS
A Rough Job History
My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned
.... couldn't concentrate.
Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so
.... they gave me the ax.
After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it. Mainly because
.... it was a so-so job.
ext I tried working in a muffler factory but that
.... was exhausting.
I wanted to be a barber, but
.... I just couldn't cut it.
Then I tried to be a chef -- figured it would add a little spice to my life but I just

.... didn't have the thyme.
I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I
.... couldn't cut the mustard.
My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found
.... I wasn't noteworthy.
I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I
.... Didn't have any patients.
ext was a job in a shoe factory; I tried but I
.... Just didn't fit in.
I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I
.... Couldn't live on my net income.
Thought about becoming a witch, so I
.... Tried that for a spell.
I managed to get a good job working for a pool-maintenance company, but the work
was
.... Just too draining.
I got a job at a zoo feeding giraffes but I was fired because I
.... Wasn't up to it.
I worked in a blanket factory,
.... but it folded.
So then I got a job in a fitness-center, but they said I
.... Wasn't fit for the job.
ext, I found being an electrician interesting, but the work was shocking and I
.... Was discharged.
After many years of trying to find steady work I finally got a job as a historian until
I realized there was
.... o future in it.
My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it
.... was always the same old grind.
K
K OWLEDGE
Blondes on Education
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, "Go
ahead, ask me, I know all of them."
A friend says, "O.K., what's the capital of Wisconsin?" The blonde replies, "Oh,
that's easy, W."

L
LAST WORDS
Famous Last Words
I'll get a world record for this..
It's fireproof.
He's probably just hibernating.
What does this button do?
I'm making a citizen's arrest.
So, you're a cannibal.
It's probably just a rash.
Are you sure the power is off?
Yeah, I made the deciding vote on the jury, so what of it?
The odds of that happening have to be a million to one!
Pull the pin and count to what?
Which wire was I supposed to cut?
I wonder where the mother bear is.
I've seen this done on TV.
These are the good kind of mushrooms.
I'll hold it, and you light the fuse.
Let it down slowly.
Rat poison only kills rats.
Just take whatever you want, this is a ghost town.
It's strong enough for both of us.
This doesn't taste right.
I can make this light before it changes.
ice doggie.
I can do that with my eyes closed.
I've done this before.
Well, we've made it this far.
That's odd.
You wouldn't hit a guy with glasses on, would you?
Don't be so superstitious.
ow watch this.
What duck?

LAWYER JOKES
Lawyer Jokes
Just as an up-front disclaimer, I do have a number of good friends who happen to
be lawyers so I can testify that lawyers are not all evil. In fact, many of them enjoy
good lawyer jokes too. You might be surprised how many lawyer jokes are on bar
association, lawfirm or legal websites. Amazon has books full of them. ~jeff
Professional "Courtesy"
A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. Their conversation was constantly
interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free
medical advice.
After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to
stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"
"I give the advice to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill."
The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try.
The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills.
When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.
Quickie Lawyer Jokes
How many lawyer jokes are there?
Only One. The rest are true stories.
The Post Office just recalled their latest stamps. They had pictures of lawyers on
them, and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.
How can a pregnant woman tell that she's carrying a future lawyer?
She has an uncontrollable craving for baloney.
How does an attorney sleep?
First he lies on one side, and then he lies on the other.
How many defense attorneys does it take to change a light bulb?
How many can you afford?
How many personal injury attorneys does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three. One to climb the ladder, one to shake it, and one to sue the ladder company.
How many corporate attorneys does it take to change a light bulb?
Who knows, you need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.
How many judges does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Just one; he holds it still and the whole world revolves around him.
If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could save only one of
them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?
What did the lawyer name his daughter? Sue.

And his son? Bill.
What do you call 25 skydiving lawyers? Skeet.
What do you call a lawyer gone bad? Senator.
What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50 ? Your honor.
What do you throw to a drowning lawyer? His partners.
What does a lawyer use for birth control? His personality.
What happens when you cross a pig with a lawyer?
othing. There are some things a pig just won't do.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles.
What's another difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
Removable wing tips.
What's the last difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
Vultures wait until you're dead to rip your heart out.
Why does California have the most lawyers in the country while ew Jersey has the
most toxic waste sites?
ew Jersey got first choice.
Why don't lawyers go to the beach?
Cats keep trying to bury them.
What do you call 100 lawyers up to their neck in sand?
ot enough sand.
What do you call 10,000 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A good start. (Unless you are an environmentalist; then you would consider this
indiscriminate dumping of hazardous waste.)
What's the difference between a tick and a lawyer?
A tick falls off of you when you die.
How do you tell when a lawyer is lying?
His lips are moving.
What do lawyers and sperm have in common?
Both have a 1 in 3,000,000 chance of becoming a human being.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a catfish?
One's an ugly, scum-sucking bottom feeder and the other is a fish.
Why are laboratory scientists switching from rats to lawyers for their experiments?
1. Lawyers are more plentiful than rats;
2. The lab technicians don't get as attached to the lawyers,
3. There are some things a rat just won't do, and
4. This is one area where the animal rights activists won't get worked up over.
What do you call a person who assists a criminal in breaking the law before he is
arrested?
An accomplice.
What do you call a person who assists a criminal in breaking the law after he is
arrested?
A lawyer.
You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a lawyer. Your gun has
only two bullets. What should you do?
Shoot the lawyer. Twice.

What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?
An offer you can't understand.
A group of terrorists burst into the conference room at the Ramada Hotel where the
American Bar Association was holding its Annual Convention. More than 500
lawyers were taken as hostages. The terrorist leader announced that, unless their
demands were met, they would release one lawyer every hour.
What do lawyers and nuclear weapons have in common?
If one side has one, the other side has to have one. Once launched, they cannot be
recalled. When they land, they screw everything up forever.
Courtroom Tactics
A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating guilt,
but there was no corpse. In the defense's closing statement the lawyer, knowing that
his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick.
"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer said as
he looked at his watch. "Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case
will walk into this courtroom." He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors,
somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly. A minute passed. othing happened.
Finally the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But, you all
looked on with anticipation. I therefore put to you that you have a reasonable doubt
in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of
not guilty." The jury, clearly confused, retired to deliberate. A few minutes later,
the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty.
"But how?" inquired the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you
stare at the door."
The jury foreman replied, "Oh, we looked, but your client didn't."
Got Him!
A truck driver used to amuse himself by running over lawyers he would see walking
down the side of the road. Every time he would see a lawyer walking along the road,
he would swerve to hit him, and there would be a loud "THUMP" and then he
would swerve back onto the road. One day, he saw a priest hitchhiking. He thought
he would do a good turn and pulled the truck over.
He asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?"
"I'm going to the church 5 miles down the road," replied the priest.
" o problem, Father! I'll give you a lift. Climb in the truck." The happy priest
climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road.
Suddenly the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road and instinctively he
swerved to hit him. But he remembered there was a priest in the truck with him, so
at the last minute he swerved back away, narrowly missing the lawyer. However,
even though he was sure he missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud "THUMP". ot

understanding where the noise came from, he glanced in his mirrors and when he
didn't see anything, he turned to the priest and said, "I'm sorry Father. I almost hit
that lawyer."
"That's okay," replied the priest. "I got him with the door!"
Who sleeps in the barn?
A lawyer and two friends (a lawyer with friends? ok, you know this is a joke), a
Rabbi and a Hindu holy man, had car trouble in the countryside and asked to spend
the night with a farmer. The farmer said "There might be a problem; you see, I only
have room for two to sleep, so one of you must sleep in the barn."
" o problem," chimed the Rabbi, "My people wandered in the desert for forty
years, I am humble enough to sleep in the barn for an evening." With that he
departed to the barn and the others bedded down for the night.
Moments later a knock was heard at the door; the farmer opened the door. There
stood the Rabbi from the barn.
"What's wrong?" asked the farmer.
He replied, "I am grateful to you , but I can't sleep in the barn. There is a pig in the
barn and my faith believes that is an unclean animal."
His Hindu friend agrees to swap places with him. But a few minutes late the same
scene reoccurs. There is a knock on the door.
"What's wrong, now?" the farmer asks.
The Hindu holy man replies, "I too am grateful for your helping us out but there is
a cow in the barn and in my country cows are considered sacred. I can't sleep on
holy ground!"
Well, that leaves only the lawyer to make the change. He grumbled and complained,
but went out to the barn. Moments later there was another knock on the farmers
door. Frustrated and tired, the farmer opens the door, and there stood.... the pig and
the cow.
Who do you sue?
Two attorneys boarded a flight out of Seattle. One sat in the window seat, the other
sat in the middle seat. Just before takeoff, a doctor took the aisle seat next to the two
attorneys.
The doctor kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the
attorney in the window seat said, "I think I will get up and get a coke."
" o problem," said the doctor. "I'll get it for you."

While the doctor was gone, one of the attorneys picked up one of the, doctor's shoes
and spat in it. When he returned with the coke the other attorney said, "That looks
good, I think I'll have one too."
Again, the doctor obligingly went to fetch the coke. While he was gone, the other
attorney picked up the other shoe and spat in it. The doctor returned and they all
sat back and enjoyed the flight.
As the plane was landing, the doctor slipped his feet into his shoes and knew
immediately what had happened. "How long must this go on," asked the doctor,
"this fighting between our professions? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting
in shoes and pissing in cokes?"
Mrs. Jones Knows All
During a trial, in a small Missouri town, the local prosecuting attorney called his
first witness to the stand. She was sworn in, asked if she would tell the truth, the
whole truth and nothing but the truth, on the Bible, so help her God.
The witness was a proper well-dressed elderly lady, the Grandmother type, well
spoken and poised. The prosecuting attorney approached the woman and asked,
"Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you
were a young boy and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie,
cheat on your wife, manipulate people and talk badly about them behind their
backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the sense to realize you
never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper-pushing shyster." "Yes, I
know you quite well."
The lawyer was stunned. He couldn't even think for a few minutes. Then, slowly
backed away, fearing the looks on the judge and jurors' faces, not to mention the
court reporter who documented every word. ot knowing what else to do, he
pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense
attorney?"
She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a
youngster too. He's lazy, bigoted, has a bad drinking problem. The man can't build
or keep a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst
in the entire state. ot to mention he cheated on his wife with three different
women. Yes, I know him."
The defense attorney almost fainted and was seen slipping downward in his chair,
looking at the floor. Laughter mixed with gasps thundered throughout the
courtroom and the audience was on the verge of chaos.
At this point, the judge brought the courtroom to silence, called both counselors to
the bench, and in a very quiet voice said, "If either of you morons asks her if she

knows me, you're going to jail."
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
As I'm sure you would expect, there are tons (proverbially-speaking since they don't
weigh anything) of lawyer jokes posted all around the web. Just google for lawyer
jokes or try a few of these sites. Warning: many lawyer jokes on other sites are
certainly more harsh or less clean than what I've posted here.
LESSO S
Lessons Learned, by Dave Barry
25 things I have learned in 50 years (supposedly by Dave Barry)
The badness of a movie is directly proportional to the number of helicopters in it.
You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why
we observe daylight-savings time.
People who feel the need to tell you that they have an excellent sense of humor are
telling you that they have no sense of humor.
The most valuable function performed by the federal government is entertainment.
You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests you think
she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
A penny saved is worthless.
They can hold all the peace talks they want, but there will never be peace in the
Middle East. Billions of years from now, when Earth is hurtling toward the Sun and
there is nothing left alive on the planet except a few microorganisms, the
microorganisms living in the Middle East will be bitter enemies.
The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.
The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion,
economic status, or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we all believe that
we are above-average drivers.
There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal
about your birthday. That time is age 11.
There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to
share yours with them.
There apparently exists, somewhere in Los Angeles, a computer that generates
concepts for television sitcoms. When TV executives need a new concept, they turn
on this computer; after sorting through millions of possible plot premises, it spits
out, "THREE QUIRKY BUT ATTRACTIVE YOU G PEOPLE LIVI G I A
APARTME T," and the executives turn this concept into a show. The next time

they need an idea, the computer spits out, "SIX QUIRKY BUT ATTRACTIVE
YOU G PEOPLE LIVI G I A APARTME T." Then the next time, it spits out,
"FOUR QUIRKY BUT ATTRACTIVE YOU G PEOPLE LIVI G I A
APARTME T." And so on. We need to locate this computer and destroy it with
hammers.
obody is normal.
At least once per year, some group of scientists will become very excited and
announce that:
The universe is even bigger than they thought!
There are even more subatomic particles than they thought!
Whatever they announced last year about global warming is wrong.
If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not
achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."
The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who
are not in them.
The value of advertising is that it tells you the exact opposite of what the advertiser
actually thinks. For example:
If the advertisement says "This is not your father's Oldsmobile," the advertiser is
desperately concerned that this Oldsmobile, like all other Oldsmobiles, appeals
primarily to old farts like your father.
If Coke and Pepsi spend billions of dollars to convince you that there are significant
differences between these two products, both companies realize that Pepsi and Coke
are virtually identical.
If the advertisement strongly suggests that ike shoes enable athletes to perform
amazing feats, ike wants you to disregard the fact that shoe brand is unrelated to
athletic ability
If Budweiser runs an elaborate advertising campaign stressing the critical
importance of a beer's "born-on" date, Budweiser knows this factor has virtually
nothing to do with how good a beer tastes.
If there really is a God who created the entire universe with all of its glories, and He
decides to deliver a message to humanity, He will not use, as His messenger, a
person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.
You should not confuse your career with your life.
A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.
o matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.
When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who
perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is
crazy.
Your friends love you anyway.
obody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
LIVI G WILL

While we're on the subject of living wills...
A man and his wife were sitting in the living room and he said to her...
"Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some
machine and fluids from a bottle."
"Oh, dear? Is that right?" the wife says, not looking up from her book.
"Yep," he says. "If that ever happens to me, just pull the plug."
So his wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all of his beer.
M
MALE A D FEMALE
What Men Really Mean
"I'm going fishing."
Really means..."I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a
stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."
"It's a guy thing."
Really means...."There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you
have no chance at all of making it logical."
"Can I help with dinner?"
Really means...."Why isn't it already on the table?"
"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear."
Really means....Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.
"It would take too long to explain."
Really means..."I have no idea how it works."
"We're going to be late."

Really means...." ow I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."
"I was listening to you. It's just that I have things on my mind."
Really means...."I was wondering if that red-head over there is wearing a bra."
"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard."
Really means...."I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
"That's interesting, dear."
Really means...."Are you still talking?"
"It's a really good movie."
Really means...."It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and beautiful women."
"That's women's work."
Really means...."It's difficult, dirty, and thankless."
"You know how bad my memory is."
Really means.... "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first
girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification umbers of every car I've ever
owned, but I forgot your birthday."
"I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses."
Really means.... "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."
"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal."
Really means.... "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I
admit I'm hurt."
"Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing."
Really means.... "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."
"I can't find it."
Really means.... "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely
clueless."
"What did I do this time?"
Really means.... "What did you catch me at?"
"I heard you."
Really means.... "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping
desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days
yelling at me."
"You know I could never love anyone else."
Really means.... "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."
"You look terrific."
Really means.... "Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving."
"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are."
Really means.... " o one will ever see us alive again."
"We share the housework."
Really means.... "I make the messes, she cleans them up."
The Men's Guide to What Women Really Mean
By...
At long last... The Men's Guide to what a woman really means when she says
something. Pay close attention (there WILL be a quiz later).

You want
= You want
We need
= I want
It's your decision
= The correct decision should be obvious by now.
Do what you want
= You'll pay for this later.
We need to talk
= I need to complain
Sure... go ahead
= I don't want you to.
I'm not upset
= Of course I'm upset, you moron!
You're ... so manly
= You need a shave and you sweat a lot.
You're certainly attentive tonight.
= Is sex all you ever think about?
I'm not emotional! And I'm not overreacting!
= I'm on my period.
Be romantic, turn out the lights.
= I have flabby thighs.
This kitchen is so inconvenient
= I want a new house.
I want new curtains
= and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper.....
I need wedding shoes
= the other 40 pairs are the wrong shade of white.
Hang the picture there
= O, I mean hang it there!
I heard a noise
= I noticed you were almost asleep.
Do you love me?
= I'm going to ask for something expensive.
How much do you love me?
= I did something today you're really not going to like.
I'll be ready in a minute.
= Kick off your shoes and find a good game on T.V.
Is my butt fat?
= Tell me I'm beautiful.
You have to learn to communicate.
= Just agree with me.
Are you listening to me!?
= [Too late, you're dead.]
Yes
= o
o

= o
Maybe
= o
I'm sorry.
= You'll be sorry.
Do you like this recipe?
= It's easy to fix, so you'd better get used to it.
Was that the baby?
= Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep.
I'm not yelling!
= Yes I am yelling because I think this is important.
All we're going to buy is a soap dish
= It goes without saying that we're stopping at the cosmetics department, the shoe
department, I need to look at a few new pocket books, and OMIGOD those pink
sheets would look great in the bedroom and did you bring your checkbook?
(The answer to "What's wrong?")
The same old thing
= othing
othing
= Everything
Everything
= My PMS is acting up
othing, really
= It's just that you're such an jerk
I don't want to talk about it
= Go away, I'm still building up steam
Men's/Women's Dictionary
Butt (but) n.
Female: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes "look
bigger."
Male: The organ of mooning.
Commitment (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female: A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male: Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.
Communication (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the guys.
Entertainment (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female: A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male: Anything with one ball, two beers or three stooges.
Flatulence (flach-u-lens) n.

Female: An Embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.
Male: A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.
Glass Ceiling (glas see-ling) n.
Female: The invisible barrier that stops women from rising to the upper levels in
business.
Male: What would really be great at work since that hot babe took over the office
one flight up.
Making Love (may-king luv) n.
Female: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male: What men have to call "boinking" to get women to boink.
(Call it whatever you want just as long as we do it.)
Remote Control (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male: A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.
Taste (tayst) v.
Female: Something you do frequently to whatever you're cooking, to make sure it's
good.
Male: Something you must do to anything you think has gone bad prior to tossing it
out.
Thingy (thing-ee) n.
Female: Any part under a car's hood.
Male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra.
Vulnerable (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male: Playing ball without a cup.
Wants and eeds (wontz and needz) n.
Female: The delicate balance of emotional, physical and psychological longing one
seeks to have fulfilled in a relationship.
Male: Food, sex and beer.
MARRIAGE
Before And After Marriage
Before - You take my breath away.
After - I feel like I'm suffocating.
Before - Twice a night.
After - Twice a month.
Before - She loves the way I take control of a Situation.
After - She called me a controlling, manipulative, egomaniac.
Before - Ricky & Lucy.

After - Fred & Ethel.
Before - Saturday ight Live.
After - Monday ight Football.
Before - He makes me feel like a million dollars.
After - If I had a dime for every stupid thing he's done...
Before - Don't Stop.
After - Don't Start.
Before - The Sound of Music.
After - The Sound of Silence.
Before - Is that all you are eating?
After - Maybe you should just have a salad, honey.
Before - Wheel of Fortune.
After - Jeopardy.
Before - It's like living a dream.
After - It's a nightmare.
Before - $60/dozen.
After - $1.50/stem.
Before - Turbocharged.
After - eeds a jump-start
Before - We agree on everything!
After - Doesn't she have a mind of her own?
Before - Victoria's Secret.
After - Fruit of the Loom.
Before - Feathers & handcuffs.
After - Ball and chain.
Before - Idol.
After - Idle.
Before - He's lost without me.
After - Why can't he ask for directions?
Before - When together, time stands still.
After - This relationship is going nowhere.

Before - Croissant and cappuccino.
After - Bagels and instant coffee.
Before - Oysters.
After - Fishsticks.
MEDICAL DICTIO ARY
Benign................................... What you be after eight
Artery..................................... The study of paintings
Barium................................... What doctors do when patients die
Catscan................................. Searching for the kitty
Cauterize............................... Made eye contact
Coma...................................... A punctuation mark
Labor pain............................. Getting hurt at work
Medical staff.......................... A doctors cane
Outpatient.............................. A person who has fainted
Fibula...................................... A small lie
Fester...................................... Quicker than someone else
Tumor...................................... More than one
Vein.......................................... Conceited
Terminal illness..................... Getting sick at the airport
Seizure.................................... Roman emperor
Recovery room..................... Place to do Upholstery
ME
1. "Most women set out to change a man, and when they have changed him they do
not like him." Marlene Dietrich.
2. "Why does a woman work ten years to change a man's habits and then complain
that he's not the man she married?" Barbra Streisand.
3. "The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he's a
baby." atalie Wood.
Men are like.......
.....Placemats.

They only show up when there's food on the table.
.....Mascara.
They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
.....Bike helmets.
Handy in an emergency, but otherwise they just look silly.
.....Government bonds.
They take so long to mature.
.....Copiers.
You need them for reproduction, but that's about it.
.....Lava lamps.
Fun to look at, but not all that bright.
.....Bank accounts.
Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest.
.....High heels.
They're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.
.....Curling irons.
They're always hot, and they're always in your hair.
.....Mini skirts.
If you're not careful, they'll creep up your legs.
.....Handguns.
Keep one around long enough, and you're going to want to shoot it.
Reasons It's Great To Be A Guy!
Phone conversations last 30 seconds
You know useful stuff about tanks and airplanes
A 5 day vacation requires only one suitcase
Bathroom lines are 80% shorter
You can open all your own jars
Old friends don't give you crap if you've lost or gained weight
Dry cleaners and haircutters don't rob you blind
When clicking through the channels you don't have to stop on every shot of someone
crying
You don't have to lug a bag of "necessary" items with you everywhere you go

You can go to the bathroom without a support group
Your last name stays put
You can leave a motel room bed unmade
You can kill your own food
The garage is all yours
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness
You see the humor in "Terms of Endearment"
You never have to clean the toilet
You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes
Wedding plans take care of themselves
If someone forgets to invite you to something, they can still be your friend.
Your underwear cost $7.50 for a pack of 3
one of your co-workers have the power to make you cry
You don't have to shave below your neck
You don't have to curl up next to some big, hairy guy every night
If you are 34 and single, no one notices
Chocolate is just another snack
You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat
Flowers fix everything
You never have to worry about other's feelings
Three pair of shoes are more than enough
You can say anything and not worry about what people think
Michael Bolton doesn't live in your universe
You can whip your shirt off on a hot day
Car mechanics tell you the truth
You don't give a flip if someone doesn't notice your new haircut
You can watch a game in silence for hours without your buddy thinking "he must
be mad at me."
One mood, all the time
You can admire Clint Eastwood without having to starve yourself to look like him
Same work.......more pay
Gray hair and wrinkles add character
Wedding dress $2000, Tux rental 100 bucks
You don't care if someone is talking behind your back
You don't pass on the desert and then mooch off someone else's
If you retain water, it is in a canteen
The remote is yours and yours alone
You need not pretend you're "freshening up" when you go to the bathroom
If you don't call your buddy when you said you would he won't tell your friends
you've changed
If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you might become lifelong
buddies.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected
You think the idea of punting that small, ankle-biting dog is funny
If something mechanical didn't work, you can bash it with a hammer and throw it
across the room
ew shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet

You don't have to remember everyone's birthday and anniversary
Everything on your face stays its original color.
You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is coming.
You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.
Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with. "So, notice anything different?"
You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You don't have to shave below your neck.
Your belly usually hides your big hips.
One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.
You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 relatives, on December 24th, in 45
minutes.
Facts about Men: (obviously written by a woman)
Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved.
Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced
pain and bought jewelry.
Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible. In a world where there are
more women than men, it pays to recycle.
Men are very confident people. My husband is so confident that when he watches
sports on television, he thinks that if he concentrates he can help his team. If the
team is in trouble, he coaches the players from our living room, and if they're really
in trouble, I have to get off the phone in case they call him.
Men like phones with lots of buttons. It makes them feel important.
Men love to be the first to read the newspaper in the morning. ot being the first is
upsetting to their psyches.
All men are afraid of eyelash curlers. I sleep with one under my pillow instead of a
gun.
A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and
bathe.
All men hate to hear "We need to talk about our relationship." These seven words
strike fear in the heart of even General Schwartzkopf.
Men are sensitive in strange ways. If a man has built a fire and the last log does not
burn, he will take it personally.
Men have an easier time buying bathing suits. Women have two types: depressing
and more depressing. Men have two types: nerdy and not nerdy.
Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out in
winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like portable heaters that

snore.
Women take clothing much more seriously than men. I've never seen a man walk
into a party and say "Oh, my God, I'm so embarrassed; get me out of here. There's
another man wearing a black tuxedo."
Most men hate to shop. That's why the men's department is usually on the first floor
of a department store, two inches from the door.
If a man prepares dinner for you and the salad contains three or more types of
lettuce, he is serious.
If you're dating a man who you think might be "Mr. Right," if he a) got older, b)
got a new job, or c) visited a psychiatrist, you are in for a nasty surprise. The
cocoon-to-butterfly theory only works on cocoons and butterflies.
o man is charming all of the time. Even Cary Grant is on record saying he wished
he could be Cary Grant.
When four or more men get together, they talk about sports.
When four or more women get together, they talk about men.
Men are less sentimental than women. o man has ever seen the movie THE WAY
WE WERE twice, voluntarily.
Most women are introspective: "Am I in love? Am I emotionally and creatively
fulfilled?" Most men are outrospective: "Did my team win? How's my car?"
If a man says, "I'll call you," and he doesn't, he didn't forget... he didn't lose your
number... he didn't die. He just didn't want to call you.
Men hate to lose. I once beat my husband at tennis. I asked him, "Are we going to
have sex again?" He said, "Yes, but not with each other."
Getting rid of a man without hurting his masculinity is a problem. "Get out" and "I
never want to see you again" might sound like a challenge If you want to get rid of a
man, I suggest saying, "I love you... I want to marry you... I want to have your
children." Sometimes they leave skid marks.
Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with super-heroes. Women
have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie.
Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause. With female menopause
you gain weight and get hot flashes. Male menopause - you get to date young girls
and drive motorcycles.
Men forget everything; women remember everything. That's why men need instant
replays in sports. They've already forgotten what happened.
What Women Want In Men
What I Want in a Man (age 22)
Handsome
Charming
Financially successful
A caring listener
Witty
In good shape

Humor from a to z vol. 3

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