1. An Old Feud
Posted by admin On January 30, 2010 9:42 AM
To my dearest friend Arthur:
I know, Arthur, that your life has not panned out as you hoped that it would. I know that, looking back, youre probably very unhappy
with how things have turned out. No doubt, youre upset that youve lost your drive; upset that youve lost the power to control the
circumstances of your own life with unflinching power and steadfast conviction. This, of course, has led me to believe that you
deserve a nice, long lettersomething to shake those bad thoughts out of your mind and restore you to your previous excellence.
Seeing as though youve chased away most of your friends, I suppose that Ill have to be the one to deliver said letter. And if thats
the case, then Im going to do it on my own terms.
Im going to give you the bad before I give you the good. Given our past, this strikes me as rather appropriate. So, here goes
nothing.
The Bad:
1. Youre going bald, Arthur. Very, very bald. So bald that you cant hide it anymore. Its as if even your own hair cant put up
with you anymore. I was electronics shopping the other day TV shopping for my sonand I saw you at the other end of the
store. Im not sure if you saw me. Ill tell you what, though: that enormous hat that you were wearing couldnt cover up the
cold, ugly, one might say bald truth. Keep shopping for hats, Arthur, because the one that you have isnt really doing the
trick.
2. Youve been terrible to me in the past. Remember all of the harmless pranks that you used pull? Remember how just about
all of them were directed at me? Do you remember the time that you plugged the muffler to my car with bananas and I
couldnt get it started for hours? Do you remember the time that you called in sick for me at work, and how I came into work
because I didnt know of what youd done, and how I almost got fired because they thought that Id been lying to them? Do
you remember the time that you kidnapped my wifes dog, shaved it, and drew terrible, unspeakable things all over its body
with a sharpie? Perhaps you remember the time that you ran your car through the front of my house and then fled the scene?
Or perhaps you remember the time that you convinced me to go on a vacation with you, which you used as a way to fake my
death and get your wife some life insurance money!
3. You are so, so bald, Arthur; so very bald.
4. You have halitosis.
The Good:
1. You have halitosis, and you always have. I never had to worry about competing with you for women, because youd scare
them off once you were within four or five feet of them. And if you didnt talk as a means of concealing your halitosis, girls
simply thought you were weird. It was, at the end of the day, amazing.
2. You have not managed to avoid my own (strictly retaliatory) pranks, Arthur. Do you remember the time when you came home
and your house was full of dead fish? Do you remember the time when I nailed all of your furniture to the ceiling of your house
and made you think that you were hallucinating? Or do you remember the time that I broke into your basement every night for
six weeks, snuck up to your attic, and made shrieking sounds and convinced you that your house might be haunted? Yeah, I
bet you do.
Ours is such a strange friendship, Arthur.
I look forward to seeing you at the company picnic.
Cheers,
-Melvin

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