1. 1 March 1940 Dear Ma, I am writing this letter to you because I think you deserve to know my true feeling about what I’ve kept within me for all my life. Ma, I want to apologize for everything that I have done to you. I know that I’ve been a stubborn child all my life and have never make you proud or listen to you about anything, thinking that I am always right. I know that I have always cared about myself first and before everyone, not caring about how you, Buddy, or Vera may feel. And after all these years, I did not take any responsibility, due to the fact that I have spent most of my time with my gang. I even go to the movie and bar and leave you and the family alone without any strength or support. I have been immature to the point that I have almost robbed Blum’s store for money instead of taking the job at the Daltons. When I look back to all these things, I want to tell you that I am sorry Ma that I had shut your voices out of my consciousness and hated you and the family because I knew about the suffering we’re going through and I am powerless to help us. If I have allowed myself to feel the fullness of how we lived, the shame and misery of our lives, I would either kill myself or other people. Besides I have been selfish to everyone in holding toward the family an attitude of iron reserve. And I want to apologize because I now realize that it was wrong and I would not be able to make up for it. What's more, I want you to know the reasons behind all this mess that I have made. I think the reason behind all these incidents was because for once in my life I want to have a sense of equality like others. Since the day I was born, I’ve been weak and inferior to the white. I have been wrong since the day you have given birth to me, just because of the color of my skin. So after I’ve killed Mary and Bessie, I did not feel sorry or regret the things that I’ve done. This was because in my life, these two murders were the most meaningful things that had ever happened to me. I had for once live, truly and deeply out of others’ people judgment. Never had I had the chance to live out the consequences of my actions and I don’t want to be under the control of the whites or anyone. I just want to read the newspapers, go to the movies, or walk along the streets with the crowd. I only want to merge myself with others and be a part of this world, and essentially I want to be allowed a chance to live like others, even though I am black. I know you might think that I am crazy or mad, but I suppose that my action was worth it because I have actually done something that was noticed by everyone. But unfortunately, I have to die and there would be no change resulting from my actions in that everything will still be the same. So Ma, I don’t want you to give up by living a life like you are now. I want you to be fearless and strong because there is more than one side to this world. The world is not ultimately black or white. You might think that you are satisfied with what you have right now, but truly you are not. If you start to question and see and absorb the reality into your consciousness, you will know that never in all your life, had the two worlds been together. Never had you felt a sense of wholeness or equality. I know that you might not understand it now, but everything will make sense to you when the time is right. And the last thing that I want to say to you before I die is that I love you Ma. If I could have a chance to go back and change anything, I would choose not to yell at you or hurt you in any ways. I would have helped you and the family with all my heart and strength. But that would be impossible now, since death is waiting right in front of me. So Ma, please take care of yourself, Buddy and Vera. Please tell them that I love them and I am sorry for everything that I’ve done. I hope you, Buddy, and Vera will understand and forgive me. I’m sorry, Bigger Thomas