1. 1
The giant blue box stood solitary in the darkness. Razor-like raindrops
pelted the solid exterior from every angle, while intermittent flashes of
lightning lit up the unmistakable four-letter word in yellow: ‘IKEA.’ It was
a scene straight out of a horror movie, as fear and anxiety awaited
around every corner. It was imposing; it was mysterious; it was the exact
environment that Special Agents Dana Scully and Fox Mulder thrived in.
They yearned to uncover its secrets and solve its riddles—but right now
they just wanted to find their way out.
“This is ridiculous,” Mulder declared in his droll, monotone voice.
“We’ve been around this labyrinth fifty times, Scully.”
“I didn’t realise you’d been keeping such an accurate count,

2. 2
Mulder,” she replied, a sarcastic look coming across her face with the
flash of Mulder’s torch beam in her direction.
“This has to be a government conspiracy, Scully.”
“Of course it does,” she retorted, severely not in the mood for
another of Mulder’s ‘government conspiracies.’
“Think about it,” Mulder continued, cautiously making his way
around the corner. “Why else would anyone make a retail environment so
god-damn difficult to navigate. Why would they have so many code words
for simple tables and shelves? I mean, what the hell is a ‘Kallax’? They’re
hiding something here, Scully—and it’s probably aliens.”
“It’s always aliens with you, isn’t it, Mulder?”
Suddenly, a booming voice erupted through the deserted hallways: “IKEA
will be closing in ten-minutes time. Could you please make your way to
the registers at the end of the store?”
Mulder jumped, his hand reaching immediately for his gun,
which had been previously concealed within his coat. He pointed it
menacingly down one of the aisles; then back the opposite way.
“What are you doing, Mulder?” Scully demanded.
“They’re messing with us, Scully. They know as well as we do that
there’s no end to this store. The only end for us is on a cold, steel table in
the basement—as some experiment for the aliens.”
“I don’t know why I bother,” Scully intervened. “I can’t take you
anywhere without it turning into a pantomime of histrionics about aliens

3. 3
and things that go bump in the night. All I wanted to do was buy you
some new furniture for that rat’s nest you call an office.”
“It’s homely,” Mulder argued, suddenly offended.
“It is not ‘homely’, Mulder—it’s squalor. For starters, you’ve had
the same poster on the wall for the last twenty years. We get it: you want
to believe. Have you ever listened to one of your conversations? I don’t
think anyone doubts that! Put up something new already. Here, you
could have this cute picture of Audrey Hepburn—or this one of the
Brooklyn Bridge. Wow, they really do have some random stuff in here,
don’t they?”
“See!” Mulder interjected again. “It doesn’t make sense, does it,
Scully? Everything is just a little too random for them to be not hiding
something.”
Another brutal crack of thunder broke through the night, filtering down
through the layers of concrete in the building. Mulder and Scully both
flinched, certain they felt the whole structure move under the ferocity of
Mother Nature. Then the voice came from above them once again, more
menacing this time: “IKEA will be closing in five minutes time. Could you
please make your way to the registers at the end of the store?”
“What end?” Mulder shouted to the heavens. “What end!”
Then the agents sensed some hope. At the end of the aisle a tiny,
fluctuating light shone from out of the darkness. They both approached
slowly but surely, fingers hovering close to their respective firearms. The
source of the light became clearer with every step, and before they knew

4. 4
it they had almost certainly identified it as a spluttering cigarette. The
unmistakable odour of it only confirmed their suspicions.
“It’s The Smoking Man,” Mulder whispered to Scully.
“But why would he be here?” Scully asked, unable to reach a
sensible conclusion.
“Do I need to spell it out for you, Scully? Two words: government
conspiracy.”
They each took a final few steps, before Mulder drew his gun and thrust
it in the direction of the man’s face.
“Freeze!” he exclaimed. “Put your hands up where I can see them
and tell me where you’re hiding the aliens.”
As the individual raised his hands, the slowly fading flame brushed
briefly past his face close enough to reveal the man’s identity. It was not
their initial suspect, but simply an IKEA worker.
“Aliens?” he asked nervously.
“Damn it, Scully,” Mulder said exasperatedly.
“Sorry, Mulder.”
“You can put your hands down, kid,” Mulder uttered
despondently. The kid promptly threw his cigarette to the ground and
stomped on it.
“Please don’t tell my manager,” the kid pleaded. “I don’t want to
lose my job on the first day.”
“It’s your first day?” Scully asked, trying to calm the kid down.
“Yeah. I just needed a smoke to relax.”

5. 5
Mulder’s ears pricked up suddenly. “Did you say ‘Kallax’?” he demanded.
“What?” the kid replied.
“Kallax? Is that what you said? That’s your code for the aliens,
isn’t it?”
“No, man. I said …”
Suddenly the kid was cut off in his defence, as another worker emerged
from behind them.
“Excuse me, folks” came his smarmy greeting. “Unfortunately
we’re closed. So if you could allow me to show you to the exit?”
“We know the truth,” Mulder screamed. “We know there is no
exit. Only lies and conspiracy!” Out of the corner of his eye, Mulder saw
the worker’s name badge, and his fear only increased as he saw what it
read: ‘Skinner.’
“I assure you, sir, the only thing here are quality products for the
many people.”
“That’s what they all say,” Mulder continued. “Where are the
aliens? What does ‘Kallax’ mean? I demand to know!”
Skinner escorted Mulder through the rest of the store and to the exit,
with Scully closely in-tow. Before they knew it, they found themselves
outside, the pouring rain cascading over them.
“Can we go home now, Mulder?”
“They’re hiding something, Scully. I just know it.”
“I know they are, Mulder,” Scully said, sighing. “But we’ll find you
a new poster somewhere else. Maybe Kmart.”