Feature story on wife abuse

1. 30 wellness BY Leong Wai Kit
relationships
lifestyle May 2010
31
Rose Chia* was in her early 20s when she lost at me, saying he regretted marrying me, and “Based on our experience, women don’t
her first baby. warned me not to touch him. He then punched seek help for various reasons. In Singapore,
and kicked me while verbally abusing me.” there is still the issue of ‘face’, especially for
“I was one month into my pregnancy when my the higher-income couples. Love and hope
husband kicked me in the tummy during an That night, Rose cried herself to sleep, curled are also two very common factors that stop
argument. That evening, I bled while I was in the up in pain, beside Tony. women from stepping out,” says Mrs Seah.
toilet. I was told by my doctor the next day, that
I had miscarried,” recalls Rose, who is now in her Tony soon shed his sheep’s clothing to reveal And it is this mentality that worries social
40s. his beastly side. He often turned violent and workers.
would punch or kick Rose whenever their
Yet, Rose couldn’t bring herself to hate her conversation escalated into an argument – Statistics on violence against women in
husband. “At that point of time, I didn’t feel the usually the result of Tony coming home late. Singapore, released by the Ministry of
pain of losing our child. I was so blinded by love Home A airs, show a sharp drop in figures.
that I treasured my husband more than our first “Whenever he came home, I’d be very jittery In 2006, the number of reported cases
baby.” because I didn’t know when a quarrel would at 1,135 was almost half that of 1998.
suddenly erupt and trigger another violent However, such numbers are often only the
Warning signs episode. I would jump at the slightest noise tip of the iceberg, as not all cases of abuse
Rose met her ex-husband Tony* at a friend’s and flinch instinctively whenever he was are reported.
party. To Rose, Tony was the perfect guy: He nearby.”
was tall, dark and handsome. Being an athlete, Indeed, the story of Rose Chia – who gave
Tony was well built and excelled in sports. He To avoid being beaten up, Rose would tiptoe Lifestyle this exclusive interview in the hope
was also soft spoken and an extremely caring around Tony, taking care to not provoke him. of helping other abused women – does not
boyfriend. The couple dated for four years before She even resorted to turning a blind eye when belong to any statistics.
Tony popped the question. she found out a few years later that Tony had
been cheating on her. Trends in Singapore
But Tony got cold feet the night before their But if it’s any consolation, the number
marriage. Worse, on three occasions, Tony didn’t think of abused women in Singapore has been
twice about kicking his pregnant wife in the steadily falling.
“He met me near my house, and suddenly told stomach.
me he wanted to back out because he wasn’t A recent regional poll – where domestic
ready. I was surprised because I didn’t expect “We should have had five children. We lost our violence surveys were conducted in countries
that. We then got into a huge argument – and first child because he kicked me. Years later, including Australia, Hong Kong, Italy, the
that was the very first time he hit me. I miscarried again for the same reason. And Philippines and Switzerland – revealed that
then, it happened again for the third time. He Singapore had the lowest rate of lifetime
Rose Chia endured 20 years “He punched me in the eye and I remember wasn’t remorseful. Each time I miscarried, he violence.
of domestic violence. On three falling on my buttocks from the impact because would coldly say ‘I didn’t want the child in the
Tony didn’t hold back his strength. I was shocked first place’. The International Violence Against Women
occasions, her ex-husband even by his violent reaction, but I tried to calm him Survey, conducted by the Society Against
down, and managed to convince him that we Yet, Rose loved Tony “too much” to leave him, Family Violence and funded by the law
beat the life out of her. Yet, she should go ahead with the wedding because we despite regular beatings – about thrice a month faculty of the National University of
wishes they could still be together. could always work things out as a couple,” says – throughout their 20-year marriage. Singapore, also showed that Singapore had
Rose. the lowest rate of lifetime physical violence
“People may say I’m stupid for not leaving him. and violence victimization.
It also didn’t take long for Rose to forgive I tried very hard to hate him too, but I simply
Tony. “I thought it wasn’t worth giving up four cannot explain why I still loved him,” Rose says, Another comforting set of findings from
wonderful years with Tony, over one night of his breaking down in tears. a 2005 Singapore Medical Journal – which
rash behavior.” compared female domestic violence victims
“And because I didn’t want to leave him, I in 1992 and 2002 – showed that victims
No honeymoon bliss had to keep my feelings and the beatings to were more aware of social help services in
Unfortunately for Rose, settling down triggered myself.” 2002, than a decade ago, and that domestic
Tony’s abusive personality. violence is no longer accepted by society at
Monsters under the bed large as a “domestic” issue.
On their wedding night, Rose was again hit. The reluctance to seek help is not uncommon,
according to Mrs Seah Kheng Yeow – head Today, there are 36 Family Service Centres
“After a long day, we retired to our matrimonial of the family department, and senior around Singapore, to provide professional
room but instead of wanting to get intimate with social worker at the Centre for Promoting intervention to strengthen family functioning
me, he pushed me aside. He started shouting Alternatives to Violence (PAVe). and well-being.

2. 32 wellness
relationships lifestyle May 2010
33
On top of that, organizations such as PAVe sometime last year – when she discovered
and Association of Women for Action and she had contracted a sexually transmitted
Research (AWARE) have been reaching out disease from Tony.
to, and helping women in distress.
Fortunately, Rose’s best friend stood by her,
Still, there is much to be done – especially through her one-year ordeal of clinic visits.
Domestic violence of any form should DR BIRIT BROEKMAN on the part of the community, says Kerry
Associate consultant, Women’s Emotional Health Service,
be curbed as early as possible. LEONG Department of Psychological Medicine, National University Hospital.
Wilcock, AWARE’s direct services manager. “During that one year, I got the biggest
wakeup call of my life. Although I still loved
WAI KIT gathers advice for victims MRS SEAH KHENG YEOW “There should be an obligation on the him, and still hoped that there would be a
from various experts Head, Family Development and Senior Social Worker at the Centre part of bystanders to speak up when they father in the family, I was finally willing to
When you’re hit by your spouse for the very rst for Promoting Alternatives to Violence (PAVe) witness violence against women in public see the gravity of the situation. If what
time… MS KERRY WILCOCK – especially when they feel safe enough to I contracted wasn’t just an STD but AIDS,
Reasons for domestic violence include quality of the AWARE direct services manager, who was recently named by The do so. The community should be responsible what would happen to my kids?”
marriage, experiences of violent behavior in the past, American Women’s Association of Singapore (AWA) as its 2010 for the safety of those a ected by violence,
alcoholism and even psychiatric disorders. International Woman of the Year, for her positive contributions to regardless of whether people involved are a Forced to accept that her marriage was long
Move away immediately from your husband and wait couple or not,” says Kerry.
the lives of people living in Singapore. over, Rose filed for a divorce.
for the anger to subside. Seek help (speak to a trusted
relative or friend, or to a counselor). Where possible, get
your husband to attend counseling sessions – men tend Other ways which the community can “Sometimes, I look back and ask myself why
to be more open during the early stages of domestic alcohol abuse or psychiatric disorders have been help, adds Mrs Seah of PAVe, include I had fallen in love with such a man. Sadly,
violence. helpful towards ending domestic violence. NUH accompanying victims to see a counselor, or I still have no answer. To be very honest, I
also runs an Anger Management workshop which
just being around to o er emotional support. wouldn’t have left him if I had a choice.
Staying with your husband has proven to be helpful
But for the sake of my kids, I know that I
Although you should seriously consider leaving your
husband when he turns violent, there is no need to SEEK HELP Painfully moving on have made the right decision.”
leave immediately. However, the violence must stop. If It’s not always necessary to call the police if the For Rose, her silence was finally broken *Names have been changed for obvious reasons.
there are children in the family, ask yourself what sort of matter isn’t immediately life threatening
impact the violence will have on them and reconsider First, talk to a counselor or a professional
your decision
BUT IF THERE IS IMMEDIATE DANGER
Psychological e ects on the woman Apply for a PPO (Police Protection Order)
Living in constant fear is not good for your health With a PPO, the police can make an arrest if the
You may experience the “eggshell period” – a period husband physically abuses, threatens, harasses,
when you keep worrying when the next beating might or wrongly con nes his wife. The PPO, which
come can be applied for directly at the Family Court or
Under such conditions, the neurobiological systems through PAVe, takes only a few hours and costs
are overactive, raising levels of stress hormones such as less than $10
cortisol
This may lead to the development of physical and CRISIS SHELTERS
emotional problems There are four con dential crisis shelters in
Singapore, which house women and their
The e ect on children… children in need, until a divorce is reached. Three
Kids learn from adults’ behavior. They may grow up are built for women and one for men. The biggest
thinking that love means “papa beating mama, followed shelter houses up to 100 people
by making up”. When a child displays violent behavior, The fees for the rst three months are usually
it’s important to set clear limits to the child’s behavior – waived – a small fee may be collected thereafter
without using aggression yourself. It’s also important to
provide emotional support to your kids – if necessary, RECOVERY PROCESS
seek help so they have an avenue for externalizing their There is no clear answer as to how long an
feelings abused woman takes to recover from the
psychological and emotional scars. But it’s
Treating violent behavior important to start by reclaiming your identity,
Firstly, it’s important to get to the root of the violent power and autonomy as well as increase your self
reaction. Once the problems are identi ed, violence esteem. Do something worthy for yourself
can be treated accordingly. For instance, psychiatric
disorders can be treated by medicine; marital problems JOIN A SUPPORT GROUP
by couple therapy, past experiences by traumatization Writing about your story can also be part of a
or personality characteristics psychological healthy healing process
interventions. Studies have shown that treatment of
HELPLINES PAVe AWARE Women’s Emotional Health Service, Samaritans of Singapore
6555 0390 1800 774 5935 National University of Singapore 1800 221 4444
admin@pavecentre.org.sg 6772 2037
wehs@nuhs.edu.sg