4.
CALLUM: Shoes too?
CHRIS: Sorry?
CALLUM: I don’t want to ruin your carpet.
CHRIS LEADS HIM INTO THE LIVING ROOM.
CHRIS: Don’t worry about it.
Do you want a drink?
CALLUM: Sure, what do you have?
CHRIS: I have bourbon?
CALLUM: Water’s fine.
CHRIS: Sure. Make yourself comfortable.
CHRIS WALKS OFFSTAGE. CALLUM WANDERS AROUND THE
LIVING ROOM, PICKING UP ONE OF THE SCRIPTS AND
FLICKING THROUGH IT. OFFSTAGE, THE SOUND OF A
RUNNING TAP. CALLUM SITS DOWN ON THE SOFA,
CROSSING HIS LEGS. AFTER A FEW MOMENTS, CHRIS
REAPPEARS WITH WATER AND A FRESH GLASS OF
WHISKEY.
CALLUM: You have a really nice house.
CHRIS: Thanks, it’s a work in progress.
I work from home so it’s easy to procrastinate with DIY.
PAUSE. CHRIS GIVES CALLUM A GLASS OF WATER.
So, did you have to travel far?
CALLUM: (SHAKING HIS HEAD) No, it was pretty easy. I just caught
the 77.
CHRIS: Oh, that’s a… that’s a good bus.
4
5.
PAUSE. CALLUM SMILES.
CALLUM: You don’t do this often, do you?
CHRIS: I try not to.
CALLUM: Not a Casanova, then?
CHRIS: I’m not foppish enough to be Casanova. What about Burt
Reynolds?
CALLUM: You don’t have a moustache.
CHRIS: I could grow one.
CALLUM: That’s a bit ‘Tom of Finland’, isn’t it?
CHRIS: (SMILING) I could get some leather chaps.
CALLUM: And a motorcycle?
CHRIS: Would you be into that?
CALLUM: Only if you really commit to the character.
CHRIS: (LAUGHING) I’m not very good at roleplay.
CALLUM: We could start off with something classic? I always liked
the geography teacher aesthetic.
CHRIS: (AMUSED) If only I had my gold stars with me.
CALLUM: No gold stars? What kind of teacher are you?
CHRIS: The kind that avoids marking, I’d wager.
CALLUM SITS DOWN, PUTTING THE WATER ON THE
SIDE.
CHRIS CLEARS HIS THROAT.
What do you do?
5
6.
CALLUM: (WITH A WRY SMILE) I don’t really have many limits. I’m
not into scat, though.
CHRIS: (LAUGHING, EMBARRASSED) No, I mean... what’s your job?
CALLUM: I’m a student.
CHRIS: What do you study?
CALLUM: I can get my CV out if you like?
CHRIS: Do you carry one around with you?
CALLUM: Of course. You never know when a shag’s going to turn into
an interview.
CHRIS: Does that happen a lot?
CALLUM: (SHRUGGING) What can I say? I’m very employable.
CHRIS: Where do you keep it?
CALLUM: I just got it as a really huge tattoo, it covers like 70%
of my body.
CHRIS: That must put limitations on your wardrobe.
CALLUM: I have a lot of catsuits.
CHRIS GRIMACES.
CHRIS: Really?
CALLUM: Yeah, I have fantastic catsuit legs.
CHRIS: I’m not really into drag queens.
CALLUM ROLLS HIS EYES, PULLING HIS KNEES TO HIS
CHEST AND HUGGING THEM.
CALLUM: Oh gross, are you one of those antifemme wankers?
6
7. CHRIS: I’m not antifemme! I’m just not attracted to camp guys.
CALLUM: How come?
CHRIS: It doesn’t really matter, does it? You’re not camp.
CALLUM: I’m intrigued.
CHRIS: It’s only when it’s performative that it irritates me.
CALLUM: Do masc guys irritate you too?
CHRIS: No.
CALLUM: Why not?
CHRIS: Because it’s not performative.
CALLUM: Of course it is. Gender at its core is performative.
CHRIS: Let’s change the subject. Gender studies aren’t sexy.
CALLUM: (SHAKING HIS HEAD) Oh dude, you should meet my fem lit
lecturer, he’s got this whole dimples and stubble
librarian aesthetic going on. Lots of tweed. He could talk
about sediment and it’d still be saturated in sex.
CHRIS: Your fem lit lecturer is male?
CALLUM: I know, right? Swoon.
CHRIS: (SMILING) I’ve never heard a man swoon before.
CALLUM: (SHARPLY) Fuck societal norms, I’ll swoon if I want to.
PAUSE.
CHRIS: I’m coming off as a bit of a prick, aren’t I?
CALLUM: A bit.
CHRIS: Sorry.
7
8. You look younger than you did in your pictures.
CALLUM: You look older.
BEAT.
CHRIS: Do you mind?
BEAT.
CALLUM: Not really. Do you?
BEAT.
CHRIS: No. You’re very handsome.
CALLUM SMILES AND STANDS UP, MOVING OVER TO
CHRIS, WHO SMILES BASHFULLY AS THE BOY RESTS
HIS HEAD ON THE OLDER MAN’S SHOULDER.
CALLUM: You smell good.
CHRIS: Do you do this often?
CALLUM: A few times.
CHRIS: My first time.
CALLUM: (SMILING) Am I popping your NSA cherry?
CHRIS: Be gentle with me.
CALLUM: You’re cute.
CHRIS: I’m not cute. I’m roguishly handsome.
CALLUM LAUGHS.
CALLUM: Say more words.
CHRIS: Which words?
CALLUM LOOKS UP AT HIM.
8
9.
CALLUM: Sexy clever words. Like performative and roguish.
BEAT.
CHRIS: Wayzgoose.
CALLUM PULLS AWAY, FROWNING.
CALLUM: Wayzgoose?
CHRIS: It’s a party, for people who work in the printing
industry.
PAUSE.
CALLUM: (SLOWLY, WITH AMUSEMENT) A printer party?
CHRIS: (A LITTLE EMBARRASSED) Yeah.
CALLUM: That’s your sexiest cleverest word?
CHRIS LAUGHS AND PULLS HIM CLOSER.
CHRIS: Shut up.
HE KISSES CALLUM.
CALLUM: (MIMICKING CHRIS) Printers are the sexiest people in the
world. Nothing gets me harder than a big old printing
press.
CHRIS: You put me on the spot! I have sexier words, I promise.
CALLUM: List them.
CHRIS: Acquiesce.
CALLUM: That’s French.
CHRIS: The nicest words always are.
CALLUM: More.
9
10.
CHRIS: Libidinous.
CALLUM: Satyric.
CHRIS: Debauched.
CALLUM: Salacious.
CHRIS: Lascivious.
CALLUM: Not keen on that one. Lascivious. Feels gross in your
mouth.
HE PEERS UP AT CHRIS WITH A PLAYFUL SMILE, THEN
BITES HIS LIP GENTLY.
CHRIS: Fuck.
CALLUM: What an excellent idea.
CHRIS: (QUIETLY) Fuck.
THEY KISS.
BLACKOUT.
10
11. ACT I SCENE 2
A BUS.
AFTERNOON, LATE SPRING.
CALLUM IS SITTING NEXT TO LAURENCE.
CALLUM: I’m going up to London again this weekend.
LAURENCE: To see Chris?
CALLUM: Yeah.
LAURENCE: For work?
CALLUM: Yeah, I guess.
LAURENCE: And obnoxious amounts of food?
CALLUM: He’s such a good cook, you have no idea.
LAURENCE: (LOOKING OUT OF THE WINDOW) You’re going to get so fat. Is
he still flirting with you?
CALLUM: Yeah.
LAURENCE: You have to stop him from doing that. He’ll get the wrong
idea.
CALLUM: Yeah.
LAURENCE: Don’t encourage him.
CALLUM: I know.
LAURENCE: Don’t forget that he’s your boss.
CALLUM: He’s not technically my boss.
He just owns the company I work for.
PAUSE.
11
12. We slept with each other.
LAURENCE: I knew it. When?
CALLUM: A few weeks ago.
PAUSE.
CALLUM: I should have talked to you about it.
I don’t know. I don’t really like talking about this
stuff.
You’re the first person I’ve told, if it’s any
consolation?
PAUSE.
LAURENCE: Do you like him?
CALLUM: Yeah. He’s very smart. He chills me out.
PAUSE.
LAURENCE: After you had sex with him, what happened?
CALLUM: We just hung out. We played video games.
LAURENCE: You didn’t switch off?
CALLUM: No.
LAURENCE: That’s new.
CALLUM: I know.
LAURENCE: I think you should go for it, then.
BEAT.
CALLUM: Really?
LAURENCE: Yeah. Don’t worry too much about the future, not this
12
15.
CHRIS: I like rolling for you. It relaxes me. It’s like knitting.
CALLUM: (SMILING) You don’t knit.
CHRIS: Neither do you.
CALLUM: Let’s learn.
CHRIS: Can we not and say we did?
CALLUM: People would expect proof. We’d spend a fortune on
scarves.
CHRIS: There are worse things to spend money on.
CALLUM SHIFTS, PRACTICALLY PURRING, AND CLOSES
HIS EYES.
CALLUM: List them.
CHRIS: Bus tickets. Toilet paper. Cheap wine.
CALLUM: Bzzt. False.
CHRIS: Cheap wine?
CALLUM NODS, ACCEPTING THE JOINT AS CHRIS HOLDS
IT TO HIS LIPS. HE DOESN’T COUGH THIS TIME,
EXHALING AS HE SPEAKS.
CALLUM: You’re so wrong, dude. Cheap wine is excellent. It’s so
reliable. Barely palatable vinegar is the future.
CHRIS: You need to work on your sales pitch if you’re ever going
to make it in London.
CALLUM SITS UP AND PUNCHES HIM GENTLY IN HIS
STOMACH. CHRIS DROPS HIS LIPS TO CALLUM’S NECK.
CALLUM: The operative word in that sentence was ‘palatable.’
CHRIS: (MUMBLED INTO HIS NECK) You said ‘barely palatable.’
15
16.
CALLUM: But I did say ‘palatable.’
CHRIS: I’m unconvinced.
CALLUM: You wouldn’t take a bottle of expensive wine to a house
party, would you?
CHRIS RAISES HIS HEAD.
CHRIS: Wouldn’t I?
CALLUM: Wait, would you?
CHRIS: Yes. Probably.
CALLUM: No, see, your house party game is totally off point. You
take a bottle of rat piss, leave it in the kitchen and
drink someone else’s expensive wine for the rest of the
night.
CHRIS SHIFTS, LYING DOWN ON THE SOFA, PROPPED
UP WITH HIS ELBOWS. HE PLAYS WITH CALLUM’S
PUBIC HAIR.
CHRIS: That seems a little vindictive, don’t you think?
CALLUM: House parties are sick and cruel places, kiddo. You have
to be vindictive to survive. It’s like Mad Max.
CHRIS: How do you know about Mad Max?
CALLUM: I’m not culturally inept. Everybody knows Mad Max.
CHRIS: No, see, that’s the thing. Only the people who were alive
in 1979 know Mad Max.
CALLUM: You’re an idiot.
CHRIS: Have you ever thought about shaving your pubes off?
CALLUM: (LAUGHING) Not really.
16
17. CHRIS: It’d look cool.
CALLUM: You reckon?
CHRIS: Yeah.
CALLUM: You’re such a weirdo.
CHRIS: (SMILING) I’m your weirdo.
A TURGID SILENCE. CALLUM SHIFTS UNCOMFORTABLY.
CHRIS’S SMILE DROPS.
Sorry, did that cross the intimacy line?
CALLUM: Come on, man. You know I hate that stuff.
CHRIS: I don’t know why.
CALLUM: It’s gross.
CHRIS: I love you.
PAUSE.
CALLUM: Fucking what?
PAUSE.
CHRIS: I do.
CALLUM: Jesus Christ.
PAUSE. CHRIS SITS UP.
CHRIS: I’m not going to apologise for it.
CALLUM: And I’m not going to discuss it.
CHRIS: What are you so scared of?
CALLUM: I’m not scared. I just think it’s stupid.
17
18. PAUSE. CHRIS LOOKS WOUNDED.
CHRIS: You think love is stupid?
PAUSE.
CALLUM: Love is a concept designed by Hollywood.
CHRIS: You’re so cynical.
CALLUM: I’m not! Other cultures have it right. None of this Sex
and the City ‘Mr Right’ bullshit. Victorian marriages of
convenience, man. They’re the future.
CHRIS: You’re hiding behind aesthetics again.
CALLUM: I just don’t think that word should be thrown around
so carelessly.
CHRIS: Why not?
CALLUM: It’s very heavy. It could break things.
CHRIS: So love is more than a marketing ploy, then?
CALLUM: No, it’s… Shut up, stop picking holes in my argument.
You’ve put me on the spot.
PAUSE
CHRIS: Sorry.
CALLUM: Don’t be. It’s my hangup, not yours.
CHRIS: A relationship can be whatever you want it to be, you
know.
CALLUM: (RECOILING) A relationship? Fucking hell, Chris.
CHRIS: I’m just saying
CALLUM: There are too many expectations.
18
22.
AARON: No, that’s all hers.
CALLUM: Jesus, how does she keep it that shiny?
AARON: Hard work and commitment. Can you imagine her with sex
hair?
CALLUM: She’d look amazing.
AARON: Don’t be naive. She’d look awful. Everyone looks awful
with
sex hair. And she didn’t spend the best part of an hour
perfecting those eyebrows just to wipe them off on my
pillows, you know?
CALLUM: Not to mention, she’s a Goddess and you’re, well...
AARON TUTS, DIGGING HIS ELBOW INTO CALLUM’S
RIBS.
AARON: Rude. And totally irrelevant. Look at the shoes.
CALLUM: They’re very high.
AARON: Those heels are bigger than my dick. She doesn’t want a
shag, she wants a foot rub. And to be the tallest in the
room.
CALLUM: (DREAMILY) God, I’m completely obsessed with her.
AARON: Everyone is. Can you imagine her in a Wonder Woman outfit?
CALLUM: Fucking swoon.
AARON: Halloween 2012. I completely forgot how to speak.
CALLUM: What about me? What can you tell about me?
AARON: I couldn’t possibly say.
CALLUM: I’m asking you to!
22
23. AARON: It’s not polite to sherlock people in their presence.
CALLUM: Please?
PAUSE. AARON SIGHS AND LEANS BACK, SCRUTINISING
CALLUM.
AARON: You deliberately left your phone in your coat pocket so
you wouldn’t be tempted to use it as a distraction from
social interaction, which you hate.
CALLUM: I don’t hate social interaction.
AARON: Oh, you absolutely do. And you have a self image problem.
That’s why you barely drink. You’re worried you’ll
embarrass yourself.
CALLUM: Well, Chris encourages embarrassing activities.
AARON: Wait until he makes Heather rap.
CALLUM: Fuck, she can rap too?
AARON: Yeah, she’s quite the triple threat. You shouldn’t worry
about socialising with us, by the way. You’re pretty
popular. Everyone thinks you’re just the sweetest thing
ever.
CALLUM: Oh God, they think I’m sweet?
AARON: You’re not.
THEY STARE AT EACHOTHER.
AARON: Do you like him?
CALLUM: Who?
AARON: Chris.
CALLUM: You tell me.
AARON: It’s difficult to tell.
23
24.
CALLUM: Of course I like him.
AARON: Do you like me?
PAUSE.
CALLUM: Chris does something to my chi. I can’t explain it, I just
completely relax around him. It’s like he has this… this
aura that invites confidence and trust.
PAUSE. AARON WATCHES CALLUM CLOSELY.
AARON: Do you think he’s sexy?
CALLUM: Yes.
AARON: Do you think he’s sexy?
CALLUM: I said yes.
AARON: Do you swallow his cum?
CALLUM: I’m not telling you that.
AARON: No, then?
CALLUM: (DRILY) We make soufflé with it.
AARON: Spare me the pith, I get enough of that from Chris.
Defence
mechanisms are so boring.
CALLUM: Do you often talk to strangers like this?
AARON: Only the cute ones.
PAUSE.
CHRIS: Callum, come and tell Heather about your lecturer.
CALLUM JUMPS UP. AARON FOLLOWS SUIT,
INTOXICATED. CHRIS EXITS.
24
25.
HEATHER: Chris combined the words ‘stubble’ and ‘feminism’ and if
that isn’t a sign from God, I don’t know what is.
AARON: I have stubble.
HEATHER: You also have a Doctor Who tattoo.
CALLUM: Hang on, for real?
HEATHER: Yeah, he caught it when we were at college.
AARON: I think you’re confusing science fiction with sexually
transmitted diseases again.
HEATHER: They’re both dealbreakers. I thought you survived
crabgate?
AARON: I did.
HEATHER: Because nobody would touch you?
AARON: Because I was the only one in the flat who didn’t sleep
with Grant.
HEATHER: (NODDING) Because he wouldn’t touch you.
AARON: I was at a major disadvantage, Heather. I have a penis.
HEATHER: Allegedly.
CALLUM LAUGHS.
Besides, Harry managed it.
AARON: Fuck off.
HEATHER: Oh my god, you didn’t hear?
AARON: Fat Harry?
HEATHER: Yeah.
25
26. AARON: Fat Harry with the karaoke machine?
HEATHER: (LAUGHING) Yes.
AARON: I didn’t know he was bi.
HEATHER: He wasn’t. Grant instigated it.
AARON: I’m furious.
HEATHER: Not as furious as Harry’s girlfriend.
AARON: (LAUGHING) Fuck, I completely forgot about her. Remember
when she made us have that house meeting?
HEATHER: Pubegate? How could I forget? Highlight of second year.
THEY LAUGH. CALLUM SMILES, SHIFTING HIS WEIGHT.
AARON: So wait, how did I miss Grant’s experimental phase?
HEATHER: That was the week you went to the New Forest to ‘find
yourself’
AARON: I hate everything. I’m going to sulk outside for
twenty minutes. Send the boy with wine.
AARON EXITS.
HEATHER: Don’t let him call you the boy. It’ll stick.
CALLUM: It’s cool. I’m pretty sure that’s what everybody calls
me, secretly. That, or ‘The New One’.
HEATHER: Oh, don’t worry about that. Sarah was just excited that
she
got to introduce you to everyone.
CALLUM: I don’t look that young, do I?
PAUSE.
You’re allowed to lie.
26
27.
HEATHER: They’re just teasing, sweetheart. It’s all aimed at Chris,
anyway.
CALLUM: I know.
HEATHER: I’d kill to look as young as you.
CALLUM: With a lead pipe?
HEATHER: I try not to lift anything heavier than ten pounds,
darling. I don’t want biceps. I’d use the revolver, and
I’d do it in the library. Ever so dramatic.
CALLUM: Please convince Chris to do a Cluedo night.
HEATHER: Only if I get to be Miss Scarlett.
CALLUM: I’m obsessed with you.
HEATHER: You’re so sweet.
PAUSE.
CALLUM: You’re not old, you know.
HEATHER: Tell that to my feet, darling.
CALLUM: I mean, you’re what, mid twenties?
HEATHER: OK, now I’m obsessed with you.
(SHOUTING)Chris! This one’s a keeper!
CHRIS: (OFFSTAGE) Did he say something funny?
HEATHER: (SHOUTING) He thought I was in my mid twenties.
CHRIS: (OFFSTAGE) I told you he was hilarious.
HEATHER: (SHOUTING) Bring wine for Lord Byron, he’s sulking.
(TO CALLUM) You can tell everybody I’m in my mid twenties.
27
28. In fact, I’ll pay you handsomely to do exactly that.
CALLUM: I’ll tell them you’re in your mid twenties if you tell
them I’m actually in my forties.
HEATHER: Deal. How do I explain your Enid Blyton boyishness?
CALLUM: Surgery?
HEATHER: No, they’d look for scars. How about cold cream?
CALLUM: Cold cream? I take back the whole midtwenties thing.
HEATHER: Dick.
CALLUM: Tell them I bathe in virgin blood.
HEATHER: (LAUGHING) Perfect!
CHRIS ENTERS, HOLDING TWO GLASSES OF WINE.
CHRIS: What are you cackling about?
HEATHER: We’ve finally found a use for Aaron.
HE PASSES HER THE WINE AND SLIPS AN ARM AROUND
CALLUM’S WAIST.
CHRIS: He’ll be delighted.
HEATHER EXITS
Sorry for leaving you with the coven. How’s it going?
CALLUM: Your friends are fantastic.
CHRIS: Aren’t they? They love you.
CALLUM: (DRILY) They think I’m sweet.
CHRIS: Bzzt. False.
CALLUM: Heather said so herself.
28
31. CALLUM: I get that a lot. Hence the beard.
PATRICK: Can I see some ID?
CALLUM: Are you serious?
PATRICK: I don’t want to put my dick in anything that’s going to
come back to bite me later.
CALLUM: I prefer sucking to biting.
PATRICK: (HOLDING OUT HIS HAND) ID.
CALLUM FUMBLES WITH HIS WALLET, PULLING HIS ID
OUT AND PASSING IT TO PATRICK, WHO EXAMINES IT
CLOSELY.
PATRICK: So, Alex, how big is your dick?
CALLUM: I sent you a picture.
PATRICK: (TERSELY) You can drop the attitude. I could get another
twink round here in ten minutes.
CALLUM: Seven inches. Maybe a little more.
PATRICK: That’ll do. Clean?
CALLUM: Yeah.
PATRICK: Good, I don’t like condoms.
HE PASSES CALLUM’S ID BACK TO HIM.
You want some G?
CALLUM: Uh huh.
HE HANDS CALLUM A GLASS. CALLUM SIPS FROM IT,
THEN MOVES TO KISS PATRICK.
PATRICK: No. You suck my dick.
31
36.
CALLUM: Catherine hates me.
CHRIS: Who’s Catherine?
CALLUM: Not Catherine. The other one, with the glasses and the
fringe.
CHRIS: Katie?
CALLUM: Every time I looked up she was scowling at me.
CHRIS: That’s just the way her face is. You like Aaron and
Heather.
CALLUM: Ugh, there’s always so much tension between them. It’s
like
walking in on people fucking and then standing in the
corner with a glass of wine while they finish up.
CHRIS: (SMILING) I love your analogies.
CALLUM: Don’t patronise me. I’ve had that all night, I don’t need
it from you as well.
CHRIS: (FROWNING) You felt patronised?
CALLUM: “So, where do you go to school?”
CHRIS: That was a joke.
CALLUM: “You can’t keep trading them in for younger models, Chris.
You’ll get yourself in trouble.”
CHRIS: Paul’s an arsehole. Don’t listen to him.
CALLUM: “The children’s table is through there.”
PAUSE. CHRIS SIGHS.
CHRIS: They’re just
CALLUM: Stop making excuses, Chris.
36
37.
CHRIS: I’m not making excuses!
CALLUM: (LOOSENING HIS TIE) I fucking hate wearing suits.
CHRIS: You look handsome.
CALLUM: (SHARPLY) We look ridiculous together.
A LONG, HEAVY SILENCE. CALLUM CROSSES HIS ARMS.
CHRIS SIGHS.
CHRIS: I’m sure you’d have preferred to go with Patrick.
PAUSE.
CALLUM: Who?
CHRIS SNORTS.
He’s just some guy on my course.
CHRIS: Right.
CALLUM: You’ve been going through my phone?
I didn’t do anything with him.
PAUSE
CHRIS: You could tell me, you know. If you had.
CALLUM: I wanted to.
PAUSE. CHRIS LEANS FORWARD AND TURNS THE MUSIC
OFF.
I couldn’t, though. When it actually came down to it.
A LONG SILENCE. CHRIS STANDS UP AND WALKS INTO
THE KITCHEN. HE REAPPEARS WITH A GLASS OF
WHISKEY AND SITS DOWN ON THE SOFA. CHRIS AND
CALLUM LOOK AT EACHOTHER. CHRIS SIGHS.
37