fractured fairy tales

1. The True Story of Jack and the Beanstalk
Well, first of all, let’s get something straight, this
whole “beanstalk” thing was a TOTAL lie. And, it didn’t
happen centuries ago, it happened like a year ago, on a
skyscraper, that Jack built, right under my mansion.
And yes, I did call my attorney.
But, I should let you know that I’m the “Bid, Bad,
Giant” that everyone thinks is going to eat Jack or
something. Well, again that isn’t true. Jack set me up
and left me broke and living in the worst cloud
community in the sky. Here’s the real story.
One day, Jack thought it was the greatest idea to
build a replica of the Empire State Building right under
my mansion. I was furious. He called all of his
coworkers, two yellow bulldozers, one orange crane,
and other tools and supplies. Well, it turns out that Jack
didn’t place a budget, so in the middle of his building he
had to stop and just put a roof on the thing (that was
lucky for me because it was only ten inches away from
the bottom of my mansion).
At first, I didn’t really know what was going on. I
woke up from my sleep because I heard such a racket
outside my window. I went to the window and looked
outside. There was a building right under me! I knew
just who did it, the only person in the world who would
build a SKYSCRAPER without setting a budget, or
confronting his company. Smart one (NOT!).
I ran outside and shouted to Jack, “Jack! Get up
here, NOW!”
He replied to me, in a mocking tone, “I would really
love to, but how do you expect me to get up there?”

2. I lifted my hand down and he reluctantly set his
body in the palm of my hand. I lifted him through the
trees making sure he hit every branch possible.
“What do you think you’re doing building a
skyscraper RIGHT under me??!” I demanded.
“Well, remember that trophy I gave you?” Jack told
me, with his face looking innocent.
“Yes, what about it? It’s on my mantle looking quite
stunning with the fire flickering off and on it.” I said
dreamily, as I pictured the trophy.
“Well, you should have looked a little more
carefully, because on the bottom I had engraved on it:
‘By accepting this trophy, you understand that Jack
Conningham has permission to build on your property,
as long as he has his builder’s license.’ Which I do.”
Jack finished by holding up his license.
“Jack Conningham!” I shouted with frustration.
I ran over to the trophy and threw it into the fire,
along with the stereo Jack had given me as an early
Hanukah gift.
Jack had followed me into the room and leaned
against the wall grinning.
“You know, Giant, this doesn’t change anything as
long as I have this.” Jack said gesturing to a tiny card,
(his license) with the words Jack Conningham printed
neatly beside a picture of him.
I was becoming more furious by the minute, so I
lunged at Jack and tried to get his license. He fell back
in surprise and then ran to my kitchen.
I followed him and eyed around the kitchen.
“CRASH!” A knife clattered to the ground and Jack
came bursting from behind it.
He screamed in fear, but I kept quiet and followed
him into them living room.

3. “Enough games, Jack. Take down your building!” I
bellowed throughout the house so loud the mansion
was shaking.
Jack slammed the porch door and ran onto the
porch.
I went to the porch doors and examined where Jack
had slammed the door.
He made a chip in the paint!
“JACK!” I shouted so loud that the porch doors
opened by them selves.
I looked out and saw Jack, holding for dear life off
the railing! If it was me being the small one being
chased by a Giant like myself, the LAST thing I would do
is go on the porch with nothing holding it up but sky!
But, then again we’re talking about Jack.
Anyway, I tried to walk over and help him, but my
steps were too much. He lost his grip and fell all the way
down past the building.
Luckily, Mattress World was unloading some
mattresses for the Princess down the street (she sleeps
on like 20!) and Jack fell upon them.
I sighed in relief. He could have killed himself!
I looked back down and people were helping Jack
and asking what happened.
He kept pointing toward the sky and mumbling
something no one could make out.
What an idiot!
I walked back to my house and laid on my XLLLXL
king sized bed, tempurpedic of course!. I sighed with
relief as I sank into the cushiony cushions and almost
instantaneously fell asleep.
The next morning I woke up and got the newspaper
from the porch. They’re always so small! I went and got
my magnifying glass and read the headline:

4. Giant terrorizes construction worker
WHAT?!?!?! I ran out to the window and called out
for the 2nd time, “JACK! GET UP HERE!”
I saw Jack look up and called to the orange crane
operator. He pointed to my mansion and then got in the
box. The crane lifted him up to the 19th floor (it was a big
crane, ok?) and then Jack used a ladder for the last 8
floors.
I waited patiently, and then lifted Jack onto the
porch.
“Listen Giant, I can have restr…” Jack started but I
cut him off.
“Let’s get something STRAIGHT Jack! First of all,
my name isn’t Giant! It’s Gregg! And second, I didn’t
push you off the porch, you fell!” I looked down at him
with such fury that he almost looked scared, but then he
straightened up.
“Well then, ‘Gregg’ that’s enough.” He turned
around and waved to the crane. Jack jumped down to
the roof and stepped on the crane box.
“FINE! He could leave, as long as he didn’t come
back!” I thought to myself.
Well, I was wrong. Ten minutes later a helicopter
flew onto the roof of the unfinished building and ten
small men dressed in black came out and climbed onto
my porch.
“Mr. um…. Gregory Larson Giant, we have the order
to arrest you, by the order of jack Conningham, for
deliberately shoving him off your porch.” They read off a
paper.
Alright, that was enough.
‘I didn’t push him off he fell!” I half screamed, half
stammered.

5. “Well, sir… I’m sorry but rules are rules…. And I’m
sorry but the rule book doesn’t really mention anything
about that it’s ok to push someone off a Giant’s
mansion…” the guard stammered.
Well, it didn’t matter. In matter of seconds they had
me tied up. The head chief spewed words into his walkie
talkie, and five more helicopters came and pulled me to
their local, “Giant Jail” (I didn’t even know we had one
of those!).
So, that’s how I ended up broke, and after a year of
jail, ended up in the worst cloud community. Right over
Niagara Falls. It was almost always raining, and so loud!
The End