The toad

1. The Toad of Revelations
Before meeting him, one could expect a charlatan (the distrust after so many
pseudo-miraculous substances has made us skeptics about everything
encompassed under the broad umbrella of "drugs"). But Octavio Rettig, a
surgeon and midwife, maintains a well considered argument. He is a
Mexican doctor who investigates the therapeutic properties of bufotenin or 5-
MeO-DMT. He came to Spain to give the substance to a group. I witnessed
the ritual and spoke with him. After the interview, he asked timidly, "Are you
going to take the medicine?" I knew in that moment I would. The toad
medicine is the subject of his investigation, a substance extracted from the
glands of an indigenous species of the Sonoran Desert and one which he
brings to people all over the world for healing and initiatory purposes. This
was my experience:
Stood still, facing the sun, the process begins with deep, conscious breaths (as
I have so often done in yoga). Then begins the chanting, deep tribal sounds as
he gently pats me on the back. Octavio prepares the dried flakes from the
toad in a glass pipe. He brings it to my mouth as he repeats to me "breathe
in, breathe in." The effect is immediate. As the smoke reaches your lungs, the
soul escapes like the zoom of a camera, a centrifugal force that seems to absorb
you. All fades to black. Then comes a barrage of faces, they come at you,
staring at you. They are people that you know, some of them forgotten. You
lose awareness of your body, the here, the now, the before, the past, the
distant, the old, everything is blended together. Something abandons you.
Something possesses you. I couldn’t say how much time passed and I don’t
know if it matters. Later I was told that it had not been more than five
minutes and that I seemed to be immersed in a sweet sensation. I felt
something shake me violently although nothing was physically acted out.
Others that I’d seen in the trance writhed on the floor and cried out or
brought their hands to their heads.
It’s an initiatory journey, a trip to the primeval. Images piled one upon the
other with their own syntax. The mind rebels, wants to control, wants to
direct, as it always does, every day. The spirit fights, fights until you let go

2. and then all is still. I saw a channel, a spiral with geometric figures at the end,
in a brilliant, vivid blue. I felt as if I was passing through it. Rebirth, some
call it; the opening of one’s eyes to a new, recovered and reinterpreted world.
I looked for his face. Octavio. On seeing him I knew I was back. He was
waiting for me. I felt he’d looked after me, touched me, sung to me,
accompanied me and massaged my fears. He’d understood me and I felt it (he
himself smokes a little with each person, "it helps me to vibrate on the same
wavelength," he says). He was waiting for me with a smile, his palms together
over his chest. I felt a deep gratitude towards him. I thanked him for the
ritual, for sharing with me what I had felt, for showing me, for taking me
there and for looking after me. I had a huge smile, peace, understanding ...
although I don’t quite know why, from everything, or from nothing. There
was a group hug as the girls from the group all joined together. And I
recognised one of them. She had gone before me on the trip but now I saw
her as if for the first time. We had never spoken but I recognised her “from
ages past” as she put it; a mutual connection that comes from ... I don’t quite
know how to say it, but one that in any case, is there. The feeling of tuning in
to a stranger comes over you. You connect with everyone, with the
environment. Several days later, the feeling continued.
It’s difficult to explain. Words just don’t do it justice or come off sounding
like hallucinogenic drug clichés. But this is no recreational drug, it’s more of
an initiation, an ancestral medicine, as Dr. Octavio Rettig explained to me
that morning. Later I understood. Even though this Mexican doctor has
been investigating it for nine years, even though he’s given some 8000 doses to
5000 people and has taken it himself on numerous occasions, he still finds it
something difficult to communicate and warns that it is not something he
would recommend to everyone.
From the outside it may seem, as perhaps in this testimony, a hackneyed
homage to hallucinogenic drugs. It’s not a question of defending or justifying
it, nor of convincing anyone or pushing them to try it. There are no
certainties, only intuitions. Each person knows. It’s not a recreational drug,
in fact it’s actually frightening. I saw people writhing, foaming at the mouth,
with a lost gaze and an abandoned will. I have seen, for what seemed

3. interminable moments, a contorted body that seemed to be face to face with
something terrible. Then came relaxation.
I also acknowledge that it’s brought me peace, an expanded understanding as
well as empathy and a sense of communion with others. It’s been something
far more than the taking of a drug. I felt that I participated in an atavistic
ritual, induced by the sun and surroundings and the ancestral chants. As the
days pass, one feels peace, serenity and a delight whose source is unknown,
like the spontaneous smiles that come when you begin to fall in love. You see
things differently, like when you look at those three dimensional posters that
were so popular a few years ago, which at first glance look flat but after a
while, by gazing beyond them, you perceive depth and volume. Once learnt,
one can effortlessly see in them a third dimension. Dr. Rettig asserts that this
way of seeing everything remains with time and uses the simile of the Matrix
movie to try to explain the process of becoming aware of another reality.
As time passes, the joy whose source is unknown is established within. There
is a great deal of hypocrisy surrounding drugs; alcohol has more devastating
effects than a substance that comes from an endangered toad of the Sonoran
Desert but it is socially sanctioned. I’ve seen people vomit after drinking too
much and even lose consciousness. No one is shocked but concerned counsel
will rain down on you if you begin to speak of an experience that they don’t
know how to classify. It’s not for everyone; it most certainly isn’t without
having a knowledgeable guide and I wouldn’t encourage anyone to catch a
toad in a jar (as I’ve read in an internet forum, written by a Mexican in the
Sonora desert who was asking for advice as to how to obtain the
hallucinogenic substance). But there is something in this experience worth
sharing and within it an ancient wisdom that escapes being defined as “just
another high”.
The toad medicine is a substance extracted from the glands of a species only
found in the Sonora Desert of Mexico. It’s a peculiar animal that leaves its
hideout for two months of the year and it is during this time that the liquid is
extracted and later dried in the sun. It is not otherwise manipulated and the
extraction does no harm to the animal.
Dr. Rettig has created the OTAC Foundation (the name that the Seri Indians
give the toad and one that curiously coincides with the first four letters of his
name, an auspicious sign) to protect the Bufo Alvarius. It is a non-profit

4. organisation that finances investigations into the nature of the substance. This
shaman, a term he doesn’t much favour, because he says, he has no healing
powers, travels the world to share in this ritual that has been known to rid
people of addictions as well as helping others through its revelatory experience.
He says that the toad medicine saved his life on two occasions. “Firstly it
helped me to beat my addiction to crack; secondly, when I was stung by a
poisonous spider to which there was no antidote - only my own immune
system could fight it. I was not getting better, I was in such pain that I
couldn’t sleep properly and I dreamt that they had to amputate my limb.
Having kept the toad medicine for two years, I took it again hoping for some
rest. The next day I had improved by eighty percent. The doctors who were
treating me began to take an interest in the substance and asked permission
from the health authorities to begin a documented investigation”, he says. His
studies have led him to conclude that all substances cannot be encompassed
under the single denomination of “drugs”. “There is a lot of confusion and
people think that medicine is the same thing as poison; that peyote is the same
as heroin and it’s not. This misunderstanding leads people to poison
themselves and causes serious public health problems all around the world”,
maintains Dr. Rettig.
Photos:
El doctor Octavio Rettig en un momento del ritual en Tarifa junto a
una participante. Foto: José Colón.
Dr. Octavio Rettig during the ritual in Tarifa next to a participant.
Al ‘volver’ recibí un abrazo colectivo. Reconfortante. Foto: José
Colón
On ‘returning’ I receive a group hug. Heartwarming.

5. Translation by Jason Brett Serle

6. Translation by Jason Brett Serle