1. Fiona Bell Emory Writing Sample — 2016
Marrying: A Feminist Embodiment of Marriage
In the United States, marriage is a historically oppressive institution. Despite gradual
legal change, the dominant attitudes and policies surrounding marriage are burdened with sexist,
classist, and racist rhetoric. The United States Supreme Court has, in at least 14 cases since 1888,
ruled that marriage is a fundamental right. However these rulings are steeped with capitalist and
oppressive notions of statutory provisions in which marital status is a factor in determining
benefits, rights, and privileges. Without these provisions, marriage is, at its core, nothing more an
agreement that acknowledges intimate interpersonal relationships. The new ideal proposed here
is not an attempt to resolve the gendered power dialectic through the guise of equality, but rather
to liberate involved parties through a multiplicity of states of being. By reclaiming the rituals and
ceremony surrounding marriage in the US, marrying can become a feminist action as it resists
the kyriarchal status quo. We can liberate ourselves by rewriting and redefining the dominant
cultural norms surrounding the act of marriage.
1. Re-Envisioning the Action of Marriage:
Primarily, women can turn marriage into a feminist action by defining it as an action to
begin with. As it stands in current lexicon, “marriage” is a noun, an object. People can “begin” or
“end” a marriage, but in either case, it is a static contract that gains value in its immutability.
Furthermore, even when it is said that people are “to be married,” the marriage is now an
objective “something” that is done to the people involved, instead of those people taking action
themselves. There can be no agency in a relationship in which the participating parties do not
play a role in creating and defining their interactions. To reclaim marriage, we must move from
conceptualizing marriage as a noun to conceptualizing it as a verb: marrying. Marrying is
something that you constantly do, as opposed to something that is done to you at one point. The
performativity and embodiment of marriage is now introduced, and agency is reinserted into its
present tense. Marrying.
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2. Fiona Bell Emory Writing Sample — 2016
Changing the commanding ideology surrounding marriage will be difficult because of
internalized misogyny and ideologies of domination. “As with other forms of group oppression,
sexism is perpetuated by institutional and social structures; by the individuals who dominate,
exploit or oppress; and by the victims themselves who are socialized to behave in ways that
make them act in complicity with the status quo” (hooks 43). Despite the inevitable struggle,
fighting for liberation by reclaiming marriage has innumerable intersectional effects.
The first effect of reclaiming marriage is the creation of a tool to be used in the
movements to end sexist oppression. “Male supremacist ideology encourages women to believe
we are valueless and obtain value only by relating to or bonding with men” (hooks 43). By
redefining marrying as action, the existence of intimate, interpersonal relationship depends on
both parties being required and involved. This cannot happen by proxy -- only subjects can act,
not objects, and as such, those involved in the conception of marrying as action cannot be
objectified. Women gain the opportunity to liberate themselves from sexist objectification by
rewriting and redefining the dominant cultural norms surrounding the act of marriage.
Second, redefining marrying as action avoids heteronormative gender binaries, making
marrying an accessible construct for gender and sexual diversity. Marrying is queer friendly
because, like gender, it is a constant and dynamic action; both marrying and gender are
performative acts. In a static relationship, gender transformation and flux are in opposition to the
immutable terms of being “married.” In contrast, the active constructive nature of marrying
allows for fluidity of gender expression. Each member of the marrying parties has the
responsibility and opportunity to reevaluate and redefine their marrying in the present tense.
Through marrying, as opposed to marriage, queer people have the opportunity to liberate
themselves from oppressive compulsory heteronormativity.
A third result of reclaiming marriage is obtaining a tool for the movement against class
oppression. The current capitalist system uses static marriage as a basis for the allocation of
resources, as a permanent contract for legal purposes. In doing so, some relationships get valued
over others, and economic strata are reinforced. Viewing marriage as a steadfast obligation
perpetuates the possibility of oppressive notions of statutory provisions. However, moving the
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3. Fiona Bell Emory Writing Sample — 2016
concept of marriage from a binding contract to dynamic action changes the legal applicability of
policy to marrying. When groups decide to marry, instead of deciding to become married, then
relationships cannot be used to determine which resources are allocated to whom. This is
liberating for all people in a marrying society, from a class perspective, because those in
relationships cannot be valued over those who are not, and different types of relationships cannot
be valued economically more than others.
Fourth, viewing marriage as action becomes a tool that can be used to deconstruct racist
oppression. Since marrying is a dynamic action, and not a contract that can be used as a basis for
policy or legislature, then attempts to legally dictate marrying based on race become no longer
applicable. Anti-miscegenation not only becomes illogical, it becomes impossible, for any effort
to regulate marrying becomes an effort to regulate a inconsistent and dynamic action. Since
marrying is not a static or constantly objectifiable idea, then it becomes futile to try to rank
relationships in order of any sort of worthiness. As such, women of color can liberate themselves
by rewriting and redefining the dominant cultural norms surrounding the act of marriage.
2. Reclaiming the Ceremony Itself
Secondarily, women can turn marriage into a feminist action by redefining the
ceremonies and customs that surround the institution of marriage. Ceremonies are events of
community importance, and as such are primary spaces in which the personal becomes political.
Creating a personal ceremony is a way of “owning the means of production” at the intersection
of the personal and political spheres. The ritual you make for yourself can be a way for those
close to you to take part in and affirm the choice you make to stand together as marrying people.
In the same light, ceremony can also be just for yourselves, as the choice to marry yourselves is
personal and private. Some people may choose not to have a ceremony at all, allowing their
personal interactions and agreements to serve in place of a formal event. As long as the spirit of
the ceremony aligns with the intentions of the marrying parties, it will be successful. The key is
to reclaim the words and actions in order to rewrite and redefine the dominant cultural norms
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4. Fiona Bell Emory Writing Sample — 2016
surrounding the act of marriage. In doing so, the ceremony, or lack of one, will be a liberating
practice.
In the following ceremony outline, many spaces are described as being open to
personalization by the people marrying themselves, and the entire framework itself is nothing
more than an example intended to inspire. The example given is broken down into sections that
guide the ceremony, but are not by any means necessary or required. For this specific event, a
person who is intimate with the people marrying themselves is intended to play the role of
narrator or officiant. Perhaps a respected friend or family member could play that role. The
choice to have an officiant play a part at all in the ceremony is another question that must be
answered personally. The people marry themselves -- there is no real need for an officiant
beyond that of aesthetic smoothness in the proceedings of the event -- something that can be
addressed in a myriad of different ways.
In the piece below, the abbreviation “N … Ns” is used as a gender and number-neutral
placeholder for the names of the people in the ceremony who are marrying themselves. If one
person wishes to begin marrying theirself, and engage in personal self-love and care, then the
example below will work equally well for their situation as it will for a group of people wishing
to begin marrying themselves.
3. Example Ceremony
Introduction
Narrator: Welcome, family, friends and close loved ones. We gather here today to celebrate the
decision to begin marrying by N … Ns. You have been invited to participate in the formal
commitment they make to one another, to offer your love and support to this union, and to allow
N ... Ns to embark on their decision to marry themselves surrounded by the people dearest and
most important to them. N … Ns would like to thank you for demonstrating your devotion and
support of their relationship by attending this ceremony, and now ask for your blessing and
encouragement as they begin their commitment to marrying.
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5. Fiona Bell Emory Writing Sample — 2016
Definition of Marriage
Narrator: Marrying requires more love, strength, compassion, and forgiveness than perhaps any
other human relationship. Existing together, choosing daily to create human order in a world of
universal chaos, is a revolutionary state of being and thus, a rebellion by definition. No
ceremony, not even the one we are building together today, can create such a marriage. A
relationship can only exist as such by choosing to act in a state of sanctioned selves-love. “In
every rebellion is to be found the metaphysical demand for unity, the impossibility of capturing
it, and the construction of a substitute universe.” The marrying say to each other, and themselves,
“I rebel — therefore we exist. (Camus)”
Narrator: Even though rituals and formality cannot create a marriage, human action can:
through talking and listening, helping and supporting, through love and patience, through
dedication and perseverance, and believing in each other.
Declaration of Intent
Narrator: Will you, N, take Ns to be your partner(s) in marrying?
N: I will
Narrator: Will you, Ns, take N to be your partner(s) in marrying?
Ns: I will
Expression of Intent
Narrator: Now that N … Ns have expressed their intent to begin marrying themselves, they
hope to communicate some of the spirit and meaning behind their decision. To accomplish this,
they have asked two of their friends to each share a reading, concerning love and friendship,
which they found particularly meaningful.
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6. Fiona Bell Emory Writing Sample — 2016
< Reading 1 >
Example:
Variation on the Word Sleep
by Margaret Atwood
I would like to watch you sleeping.
I would like to watch you,
sleeping. I would like to sleep
with you, to enter
your sleep as its smooth dark wave
slides over my head
and walk with you through that lucent
wavering forest of bluegreen leaves
with its watery sun & three moons
towards the cave where you must descend,
towards your worst fear
I would like to give you the silver
branch, the small white flower, the one
word that will protect you
from the grief at the center
of your dream, from the grief
at the center. I would like to follow
you up the long stairway
again & become
the boat that would row you back
carefully, a flame
in two cupped hands
to where your body lies
beside me, and you enter
it as easily as breathing in
I would like to be the air
that inhabits you for a moment
only. I would like to be that unnoticed
& that necessary.
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7. Fiona Bell Emory Writing Sample — 2016
< Reading 2 >
Example:
The Wedding Vow
by Sharon Olds
I did not stand at the altar, I stood
at the foot of the chancel steps, with my beloved,
and the minister stood on the top step
holding the open Bible. The church
was wood, painted ivory inside, no people—God’s
stable perfectly cleaned. It was night,
spring—outside, a moat of mud,
and inside, from the rafters, flies
fell onto the open Bible, and the minister
tilted it and brushed them off. We stood
beside each other, crying slightly
with fear and awe. In truth, we had married
that first night, in bed, we had been
married by our bodies, but now we stood
in history—what our bodies had said,
mouth to mouth, we now said publicly,
gathered together, death. We stood
holding each other by the hand, yet I also
stood as if alone, for a moment,
just before the vow, though taken
years before, took. It was a vow
of the present and the future, and yet I felt it
to have some touch on the distant past
or the distant past on it, I felt
the silent, dry, crying ghost of my
parents’ marriage there, somewhere
in the bright space—perhaps one of the
plummeting flies, bouncing slightly
as it hit forsaking all others, then was brushed
away. I felt as if I had come
to claim a promise—the sweetness I’d inferred
from their sourness; and at the same time that I had
come, congenitally unworthy, to beg.
And yet, I had been working toward this hour
all my life. And then it was time
to speak—he was offering me, no matter
what, his life. That is all I had to
do, that evening, to accept the gift
I had longed for—to say I had accepted it,
as if being asked if I breathe. Do I take?
I do. I take as he takes—we have been
practicing this. Do you bear this pleasure? I do.
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8. Fiona Bell Emory Writing Sample — 2016
Inclusion of the Community
Narrator: No matter how fulfilling a relationship becomes, the people within it cannot live in
complete solitude. Their sanctioned selves-love is a source of empowerment with which they
may nurture not only each other, but also the world around them. We are privileged to experience
the loving energy and strength radiating from N … Ns. In return, we as their community of
friends and family, have a responsibility to N … Ns. Through solidarity, respect, and love, we
can support their marrying and the radical togetherness that they are now beginning.
Will everyone please rise.
Narrator: Will all who are present here today, promise to envelop N … Ns with support,
offering them the joys of your friendship, and reinforcing their decision to begin marrying?
All: We will
Narrator: You may be seated.
Exchange of Vows
Narrator: Before each of you shares your vows with one another, I ask you to remember that
love – which is rooted in honesty, trust, and acceptance - will be the foundation of an abiding and
deepening relationship. No other ties are more radical or more intimate. “The words that
reverberate for us at the confines of this long adventure of rebellion are not formulas for
optimism, for which we have no possible use in the extremities of our unhappiness, but words of
courage and intelligence which, on the shores of the eternal seas, even have the qualities of
virtue.”
N: < Vows >
Ns: < Vows >
Narrator: By the power of your love and commitment, you are now marrying together! You
may kiss each other!
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9. Fiona Bell Emory Writing Sample — 2016
Works Cited
1. "14 Supreme Court Cases: Marriage Is a Fundamental Right." American Foundation for
Equal Rights. N.p., 19 July 2012. Web. 03 July 2013.
2. The Book of Common Prayer and Administration of the Sacraments and Other Rites and
Ceremonies of the Church: According Tho the Use of the Episcopal Church. Together
with the Psalter or Psalms of David [EST: Psalmi ]. New York: Church Hymnal
Corporation, 1979. Print.
3. Camus, Albert. The Rebel. New York: Knopf, 1954. Print.
4. Hooks, Bell. Feminist Theory: From Margin to Center. Cambridge, MA: South End, 2010.
Print.
5. "Humanist Weddings and Partnership Celebrations." Humanism.org. British Humanist
Association, n.d. Web. 03 July 2013.
6. Kolmar, Wendy K., and Frances Bartkowski. Feminist Theory: A Reader. Boston: McGraw-
Hill Higher Education, 2010. Print.
7. Mehta, Hermant. "A Secular Wedding Ceremony from Start to Finish." Friendly Atheist.
N.p., 20 Nov. 2011. Web. 03 July 2013.
8. "Writing a Non-Traditional Wedding Ceremony « A Practical Wedding: Ideas for Unique,
DIY, and Budget Wedding Planning." A Practical Wedding. Ed. Meg Keene. Practical
Media Inc., 5 Oct. 2012. Web. 03 July 2013.
9. Olds, Sharon. "The Wedding Vow Poem." Poemhunter.com. N.p., 19 Nov. 1942. Web. 23
Nov. 2016.
10. Atwood, Margaret. "Variation on the Word Sleep." Poets.org. Academy of American Poets,
1939. Web. 23 Nov. 2016.
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