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By now the legend of Brian Wilson’s Unfinished Spooktacular Sound Effects Album
is well known to all. In the wake of “The Monster Mash” by Bobby “Boris” Pickett,
a wave of goofy Halloween rock followed, including The Beatles’ Rubber Ghoul and
Dylan’s Highway 666 Re-Haunted. Inspired, Wilson decided to create the greatest
spooky sound effects record of all time. Little could he predict the struggle, the
infighting, and the complex production processes that would eventually cause
him to abandon the project. The album, only recently released under the title
Slime, is evidence of a man’s genius that would never quit even as he lost all hope.
1. "Boot on Creaky Staircase" (0:03): This three second track took Brian Wilson
eleven months to produce as he searched all of California for a staircase of proper
creakiness. Coming up short, he instead licensed the construction of the creakiest
staircase money could buy. Then began the search for the greatest oaf in all of
Los Angeles until it turned up one Ed Mitchell, father of four. Him walking up and
down the stairs and shouting “Who goes there?” is considered the platonic ideal
of creaky stair SFX.
2. "Owl Hooting at Night" (0:07): The original version of this track had Brian
Wilson shouting “hoo hoo!” through a windscreen. Upon hearing the track Wilson
decided this was not enough, and held a multi-day owl audition. He whispered to
each chosen owl the tales of man’s inhumanity to man to properly spook them.
It was a remarkable feat, directing owls to hoot in a Beach Boys style harmony.
3. "Frankenstein Rustling Through Leaves" (0:06): After 42 takes of Mike
Love walking through leaves, Brian Wilson decided it was not enough and took
matters into his own hands. He used the cruel mistress of lightning to create his
own Frankenstein’s monster to rustle through leaves with proper accuracy. After
another 43 takes, the monster was then abandoned to terrorize the people of
Burbank for the rest of his misunderstood days.
4. "Slime Dripping Through the Hourglass" (0:40): It was important for Brian
Wilson that these sound effects take an existential tone. But when Mike Love
came in to rub the balloon on a wet bottle, Love asked his cousin why they
couldn’t just produce sound effects of surfing and hot rods — things audiences
love! Brian’s heart sank further.
5. "Spooky Ghost Howling Through Trees" (0:16): After six failed attempts
to create a microphone set-up sensitive enough to capture the sound of ghosts
levitating, Brian realized he had no choice but to become a ghost to perform this
sound. Unfortunately, Wilson’s complex perfectionist vision again proved to be
They don’t make spooky sound effects albums like they used to. Specifically, they don’t make
them over the course of several decades at an untold cost to record labels.
THE SCREECH NOISEBRIAN WILSON’S LOST SPOOKY SOUND EFFECTS ALBUM

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difficult: After several elaborate Rube Goldberg-esque suicide attempts, Wilson
was finally recorded singing “ooooo” through a comb.*
6. "Mummy Playing 'Surf Safari' to Himself" (2:22): This marks the storied
intrusion of Capitol Records. An actor playing a Mummy mumbles, “Mmm, I
wonder what a good Beach Boys song sounds like,” then proceeds to play the hit
song “Surf Safari.” Its forced inclusion left Brian more devastated than ever before.
7. "Dracula’s Slippered Feet Shuffling as He Waits for the Acid to Kick In"
(0:10): While some believe this track to be an accurate portrayal of how
Dracula’s slippered feet must sound, more see it as Brian Wilson recording his
own creative struggle.
8. "Casual Conversation with Phil Spector" (0:36): Arguably the spookiest
sound effect, this track is often played to great discomfort at many a haunted
house. A single ambient tone plays underneath Phil Spector shouting, “you will
accomplish nothing,” as he wildly
swings a gun. Sure to get many a hair
on your neck standing!
9. "Reuniting with Frankenstein"
(1:14): Following the vile hopelessness
of tracks 7 and 8, we are rewarded
with the greatest Halloween sound
effect of all: Brian Wilson’s monstrous
son, created to provide the crunching
leaves on Track 3, returns with
his Bride… who is with child. They
reconcile at a boardwalk ice cream
stand. You’ll scream with joy!
10. "Telling Frankenstein You’re
Always Going to Love Him" (0:12):
On this track, Brian Wilson tells his
Frankenstein son that he will always love him and will always be proud of him.
This track took 44 harrowing takes.
11. BONUS TRACK: "Charles Manson Pretending to Be a Werewolf" (6:41):
Brian visited Manson (then living with Dennis Wilson) to finish the album with
the scariest track of them all. Unfortunately, Manson couldn’t stop ranting about
his dreams of a world in which the weak are herded like meat in the Helter Skelter
wars. Brian decided this was not as spooky as a werewolf.
* Rumor has it Kurt Cobain killed himself because he failed to “oooo” through a comb with the
same verve as Wilson in Nirvana’s cover of “Spooky Ghost Howling Through Trees,” so Cobain chose
the ghost option.

3. ItwasaneraofColdWarsandcompetitions.Thefearofmutuallyassureddestruction.
Two titans competed for supremacy in a race the Russians seemed to have lost. As
if the moon landing was not enough, the West had David Bowie softly singing the
poetry of the stars in “Space Oddity.” The Soviets soon realized, they too must win —
the race for the great Cosmic Rock Star!
I.Discovery
PETYA RIFKIN (Space Scientist, Future Face Tatooer): While we labored
tirelessly to conduct our own moon landing, America had Apollo 11, Apollo 12…
many Apollos.
YURI BREZHKOV (Space Scientist, Record Producer): I remember it was Petya
who first saw it on the radar, these powerful beeps! Did the Americans discover a new
weapon— thesecrettointergalactictravel?!Itturnedouttobeteenagersdancing.But
whatweretheydancingto?Andwhy?Andhow?Howweretheydancing?
PETYA RIFKIN: Sure we had technology superior to the Americans, but what
we were missing was the subtlety, the art! For music the West had Bowie with
his songs of the majesty of space and all we had was Peshka, the drum hitter.
The old was on its way out.
PESHKA (Former Drum Hitter): A lot of people make fun of Peshka, but that
rhythmic drum hit I wrote? They ended up adapting that into beeping of the
Sputnik satellite! Peshka knows his worth.
YURI BREZHKOV: We had auditions. He had to have sex appeal, a Russian
androgyny — spanning from tired sad man to angry sad man — and poetry in
his eyes. We wanted you to look into him and realize this about space — it’s a
miserable place where all of us will some day die for the glory of Mother Russia.
And that’s when we discovered Gogol Bolek.
After America successfully landed on the moon in July 1969, the USSR began grasping at
straws to beat any Western country in anything space related. Anything.
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4. 18
II. The Man
Gogol Bolek stood out from the crowd due to his sad eyes
and ability to cry to the heavens in anguish as he danced.
When asked about space he would shiver in fear and groan
about his hunger. It was exactly what the Soviets needed.
GOGOL BOLEK (Rock and Roll Star): My name is Gogol
Bolek and I was the first Russian cosmic rock star. I remember
myfirstsong,“SpaceIsInNoWayOddUnlessYouAreANäive
Fool.”Kindofourresponseto“SpaceOddity.”
YURI BREZHKOV: His ideas about sex and sexuality — that
they’reworthlessdistractionscomparedtodyingforyourcountry.
Verybrilliant!
PETYA RIFKIN: If Bowie’s Aladdin Sane has a thunderbolt on
his cheek we can do better. A gas canister is a much more prudent
formofenergy!
GOGOL BOLEK: They started introducing me to all of these new
ideas. The Western Bowie had these amazing influences: Lou Reed,
Clockwork Orange, pulp science fiction. I had films of a peasant
being slaughtered by bear, an intellectual rolled down a hill in a
spiked barrel, and Mikhail Bulgakov’s amazing novel Master and
Margarita,whichwewouldburningreatpilesduringourconcerts.
This boost in inspiration led into the artist’s most fruitful period.
Albums included The Man Who Evenly Split Up the World,
Aladdin Finestandingorder, Gulag to Gulag, The Next 24 Hour
Work Period, that last one all the more impressive since The Next
Day wouldn’t come out until 2013. It looked like everything was
going to go great, until… the downfall.

5. III. The Downfall
YURI BREZHKOV: Did you know while we were spending all of our money
developing a cosmic rock star, eight more American astronauts walked on the
moon!? The Kremlin got very upset with us. Not a good day!
BUZZ ALDRIN (30 Rock Guest Star): GogolBolek?Neverheardofhim.AlthoughI
don’treallyknowpopculture.Justmoon-walking,really.
Indeed, while Gogol and his handlers were producing songs of space, the Americans
successfully engineered multiple moon landings. The Kremlin was so angry, they
demanded the executions of all involved with Bolek, but not before they helped
produce this oral history!
PETYA RIFKIN: Yeah!What’samusicaleventwithoutanoralhistory?Anyway,I’dlike
tobeexecutedviatornapartbydogs,please.
YURI BREZHKOV: Gentlemen, good art needs time to develop before everyone
responsible for it is executed! Ah, have me shot. I want to know what being shot
feels like.
DAVID BOWIE (Shrek 2 Soundtrack): I listened to his music. It wasn’t bad, but
it never touched me as deeply as that drum beat from the fifties. Peshka. Now
that was rock.
GOGOL BOLEK: What did I learn? That the stars are greater than man’s ability
to describe them ever could be, a dark infinity beckoning for us all. Anyway, I’m
hiding out fixing toilets in Berlin now. The fact that you found me is really terrible.
I’m doomed now as well, aren’t I? Please just let me fix one last toilet, I beg of you.
And fix one final toilet he did, never letting on to the others in the toilet factory
that amongst them was a rock prophet, someone who gave Russia a vision of
the stars brighter than science could provide and dimmer than humanity should
tolerate. We threw him out the window and then threw a toilet on him. Truly an
ending befitting a legend.
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The moon landing was faked. I've seen the tapes.