1. 1
Take‘em to the cleaners
A play by Alan Gabay
SCENE 1
A slim man, MICHAEL, in his late
twenties is standing behind the counter
at a dry cleaning store annoyed, he is
eyeing a script in his hand; he’s ready
to speak Another man,
is standing in front of the counter
with a script in hand a desk with two
chairs is set up onstage separate from
the Dry cleaning set
MICHAEL
(Shouting offstage)
So, ummm… Inspector… Hector was it? I’m looking at this script
and I got to say that I’m finding a few things a bit confusing!
HECTOR
(from offstage)
I’ll be out in a minute my good man, just making a few final
preparations!
MICHAEL
Like if this supposed to be a reenactment and I’m playing
myself, then who are we getting to play Mrs. Shelby?
HECTOR a tall, confident, and well orated fellow; dressed in a
slick suit covered up by a flowery dress complete with a curly
blonde wig and heels, walks onstage, script in hand
you’ve got to be kidding me.
HECTOR
About what?
MICHAEL
you’re wearing a dress

2. 2
HECTOR
…Powerful skills of observation my friend
MICHAEL
I’m not doing this, how the hell am I supposed to take you
seriously?
HECTOR
Yes I do believe that you are, we wouldn’t want to implicate
ourselves now would we? This is important for me too you know,
so why don’t we just get started then?
MICHAEL
If it was so important to you, I’d assume you would be taking it
more seriously.
Hector starts reading from his script despite Michael’s
misgivings. His and Michael’s reading of their respective
scripts are signaled by lines in quotations. Hector speaks in an
attempted high pitched girlish voice when reading his lines
reverting back to his normal voice in text with quotation marks
HECTOR
“Why is it taking so long to find my dress?”
MICHAEL
we already know what happened, why do we need to-
HECTOR
(sighs) Recreating the incident is a crucial part of the
investigative process, so just read your damn line.
MICHAEL
Okay, Okay, don’t get your panties in a knot… You see it’s funny
because you’re in a dress
(Silence, no response)
“Why Mrs. Shelby I believe you gave me the wrong number, 235
doesn’t seem to be here”
HECTOR
“That can’t be right; I know that my dress was left here at
exactly 9 am yesterday. Unless you’d like to pay me the 3200

3. 3
dollars I invested in that vestment, I would suggest you find
it”
MICHAEL
“Gee, Mrs. Shelby, my lunch break is in five minutes, I don’t
suppose you’d let us finish our business a bit later?”
HECTOR
“I’ll have you know that I have a schedule to keep. If I make
more money in a day than you do in a year, then whose time do
you think is more important, hm?”
MICHAEL
that bitch got what she deserved
HECTOR
Say something else incriminating why don’tcha?
MICHAEL
Okay how about: (he looks back to his script, under his breath)
“This bitch has it coming”
HECTOR
some detectives would arrest you for that alone
MICHAEL
I’d like to think that the first amendment protects my right to
call someone a bitch when they deserve it
HECTOR
Of course you’re correct Michael. I would like to know the full
unabashed truth if I arrest you
MICHAEL
Excuse me?
HECTOR
“Excuse me?”
MICHAEL
“Yes, yes right away Ma’am, my time’s worthless, of course” and
in the interest of my getting to leave sooner, I’d suggest we
skip ahead a bit

4. 4
HECTOR
Come now Michael, where’s your sense of the theatrical? The
thrill of-
MICHAEL
-Searching through laundry for forty-five minutes?
HECTOR
(He looks back at his script, sighs) “I swear if this takes any
longer I’m going to buy this place out and turn it into a- …well
you can’t really get any more mundane than a dry cleaning
establishment, now can you? (He laughs)”
MICHAEL
“Why don’t you just come back in a few hours, we’ll have your
precious dress then, I promise”
HECTOR
“Impossible, I’m attending a very important event tonight, and I
cannot be seen without that very dress that you have so rudely
misplaced”
MICHAEL
(he continues to search the rack behind the counter) “I don’t
know what to tell you Mrs. Shelby, I can’t find- wait this isn’t
supposed to be here” (he takes off a tag from that particular
garment casing that says “235” on it) “235, this should be your
dress, but why is it in the place of 567?” (he starts to unzip
the casing, then holds his nose) Oh god it smells like rotting
flesh!
HECTOR
No shit Sherlock. Do you want to do my job for me?
MICHAEL
I just don’t understand why you had to use the actual casing
HECTOR
I wanted verisimilitude as to have a clearer picture of the
crime committed, and thus a clearer picture of the true culprit
MICHAEL
Well if making me throw up will really aid your investigation, I
guess I’m all yours then

5. 5
HECTOR
Wonderful, now continue
MICHAEL
(he looks back at his script) “You know what else is kind of
worrisome is that we seem to have gotten some red bleach
accumulated - oh god… Mrs. Shelby call the Police, oh my god,
it’s everywhere! Call the Police! OH MY GOD!” (He finishes
opening the casing, there’s nothing inside) You know this would
probably be a lot more believable if there was actually a body
in there.
HECTOR
it’s in forensics, my hands are tied. (Sighs) And it would have
added so much more life to the re-enactment… or, well-
Death. See? I can be funny too-
MICHAEL
(He quickly looks back at his script, continues shouting) “Oh
god, it’s terrible! Mrs. Shelby do you know who could have done
thi-“
HECTOR
(In the most girlish, over the top manner possible)
“EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!!!!”
(He flips through several pages of script while continuing the
scream, he says the next line panting)
I… really should have had… my secretary… cut some of this out
(he flips to the last page)
Oh… here we are:
“EEEEEK!”
“MY HUSBAND’S BEEN KILLED!”
MICHAEL
“huh, I’d always wondered what Mr. Shelby looked like”
HECTOR
(through tears) “My husband’s dead! What have I done to deserve
this?”

6. 6
MICHAEL
“Okay, just stay where you are, I’ll go call the police,
everything’s going to be okay!”
HECTOR
and so this is where you run off?
MICHAEL
I really shouldn’t have said that last part
HECTOR
Are you superstitious? I guess anyone would have thought
themselves jinxed right about now
MICHAEL
I couldn’t have been gone for ten minutes
HECTOR
Yes, just leaving this newly widowed, bereaving woman all alone
amidst the body of her murdered husband whilst he continued to
leak blood on her newly dry cleaned dress was clearly the right
decision.
MICHAEL
When I came back she was-
HECTOR
Dead as well. What a tragedy. (He begins to take off the dress
and wig)
MICHAEL
so that’s it, we’re done here? I can go home?
HECTOR
Eager to leave the scene of the crime? Anything scaring you off?
Guilt? The thought of justice being served?
MICHAEL
My wife yelling at me for coming home late again?
HECTOR
(he goes to sit down at the desk) Well I’d like to keep you for
some questioning if you’d be so kind. I’m sure that Mrs. Yun
will understand. So Michael Yun, if you’re innocent, then you

7. 7
certainly would not mind answering a few questions, to, say,
confirm your innocence
MICHAEL
(Sighs) I’m guessing you’re not going to take no for an answer
HECTOR
Thatta boy! You’re looking more innocent already! And you of all
people certainly need to look that way.
MICHAEL
what’s that supposed to mean?
HECTOR
(He shows him the script in his hand) why do you think that we
ended our re-enactment right before Mrs. Shelby was murdered?
Right before we got to the main crux of this crime?
MICHAEL
How the hell am I supposed to know why you do things? You just
wore a wig and a dress in a make believe recreation of a murder
that happened yesterday.
HECTOR
This script is pulled from the actual video footage of that very
surveillance camera in the ceiling of your own dry cleaning
service. (He motions upward to point it out) The very same video
surveillance camera whose recording cut out not one minute after
a certain clerk ran off to “call the police”.
MICHAEL
That crappy old thing cuts out all the time; you can’t blame it
on me
HECTOR
But isn’t it just the oddest coincidence that we happen to miss
the juiciest part of the crime as its happening? Or is that just
the old “camera’s” fault?
MICHAEL
Ask my manager! That thing bugs out all the time! If I’m
convicted for murder because of some stupid piece of
surveillance equipment, then there is something seriously wrong

8. 8
with our justice system… Actually, come to think of it, that’s
probably true regardless of the camera thing
HECTOR
Well, indeed regardless of the “camera thing” it’s not as though
you don’t have the motivation either
MICHAEL
look, I hated Mrs. Shelby’s guts, but I wasn’t going to murder
her over it
HECTOR
“that bitch deserved it”, those were your words earlier if I
recall correctly
MICHAEL
I thought it we were just having fun! I mean, you were wearing a
dress!
HECTOR
Well, humorous or not, it’s undeniable that she rubbed you the
wrong way. And as you come to learn in my line of work: that’s
all it takes
MICHAEL
I’m not a murderer
HECTOR
Wow, haven’t heard that one before
MICHAEL
what would I gain by killing her? How would I have even done it?
HECTOR
I don’t know, you murderers are unpredictable
MICHAEL
I’ll say it one more time: I’m not a murderer
HECTOR
Oh Michael, don’t be so grim! We just had ourselves a bit of fun
didn’t we? If you’re not the killer, we’ll know soon enough.
Let’s just put a pin in this until our next discussion then,
shall we?

9. 9
MICHAEL
Next discussion, there’s more?
HECTOR
You and the other two suspects will meet me right here this time
tomorrow after we squeezed you of all your precious information.
(he holds out his hand for a shake) no hard feelings, eh
Michael?
MICHAEL
(he grabs his hand and shakes) I’m not your friend; I’m just
doing this to show you that I’m innocent, and not afraid of you.
HECTOR
(He shakes Michael’s hand briefly, then releases) Ah good man
Michael. That’s the kind of thing that I want to see
MICHAEL
So will that be all inspector… Hector? (He chuckles)
HECTOR
My God, I will relish the day I get promoted… and yes Michael my
friend, we’re done here, I’ll see you tomorrow
(Pause)
MICHAEL
…You’re a sick bastard, you know that?
HECTOR
Mm… comes with the territory I guess.
SCENE 2