1. Relationship communication from a weird
perspective ?
Relationship communication can be tricky. It is a curious way to start an article but consider this.
Relationships involve people. That’s a statement of the obvious I know and sometimes things
that are obvious are completely missed.
You are a unique human being. The people that you are in relationships with are also human
beings and also unique. Every one of you has been brought up in a unique environment known
as a family that is composed of other unique individuals.
We come into this world in a manner that is somewhat random. By random, I mean we have
little choice about the human beings who will be guiding us towards becoming adults. We do not
know what beliefs they may have and we do not know if those beliefs and the resulting actions,
will be effective in dealing with the world out there. Worse still, we have no idea whatsoever
about how well what we are being taught will enable us to cope with other human beings.
Given the apparent randomness of human up bringing, it is a miracle that we are not rushing to
push “the button” every 5 min. So what’s is it that binds us together as a species? What is it that
brings you together with another person in a relationship?
A lot depends on what you focus on. It is rumoured that leaving the top off of the toothpaste
tube is one of the leading causes of divorce. This is of course complete fabrication. The leading
cause of problems in relationship communication is bad focus.
Good communication comes from focusing on the things that work for both of you and for the
relationship. By switching your focus from the top on the toothpaste tube, to appreciative
remarks, and by focusing on the good things, your perspective changes.
You entered into a relationship with some common goals and some common benefits you were
seeking. Pause and consider them for a moment.
When you enter into a relationship with someone, by which I mean a positive and cooperative
relationship, you probably did so because you and the other person had congruent values. You
both decided that what was important to the other person was also important to you. You shared
beliefs about what is right and good. Values are the clearing in the middle of forest where we
can all come together and meet.Shared values are that place in a relationship which does not
have any conflict. Values are the safe space where you feel secure about being yourself.
Because those shared values create a safe space for you, you can be yourself and you don’t
have to prove anything to anyone. Discovering the shared values you have with another human
being is one of the quickest way to build trust, rapport and understanding. Without trust, rapport
and understanding you will not experience the relationship you really want.
To improve your relationships communication, I would recommend what you do is to simply ask
a question. The question is “What is most important to you?”

2. You can also ask if the other person has those qualities in their life and if the answer is no, I’m
going to suggest you offer to help them achieve that.
Relationship communication is about creating cooperation. Cooperation can only come from
understanding and understanding can only come from appropriate questioning, respect and
trust.
Assertive Communication
Many people confuse assertive communication with being right. They focus on winning instead
of focusing on the result that they really want to achieve. As a result of this people don’t listen to
what is being said. The result of this is that they do not understand what the other person is
trying to communicate to them. This is precisely where the whole conversation starts to break
down.
From a very early at each we are taught that it is wrong to cooperate. What do I mean by that?
When you go to school you are taught don’t copy Johnny or Susie’s work. You are taught that
sharing resources and ideas is somehow cheating. You are taught that this is bad. I’m not
one hundred percent sure what the psychological effect of this mindset is on a young brain but I
suspect it is not good. The reason we look over their shoulder of other people is because we
want to learn.
I believe that at a deep level this sets up divisions on an emotional and psychological level. We
are also taught that you have an inherent rights to not share that which is important to you. This
comes from beliefs about scarcity and lack. Scarcity and lack set the ground for conflict and the
need for assertiveness comes out of a belief that there is in fact a conflict.
Scarcity, lack and conflict are all just the need for assertive communication is just a belief in our
society. We are taught that children must be trained. We are not taught that children must be
guided towards being able to make better decisions.
A belief in scarcity and lack lead to resentment and insecurity. People don’t feel good about
themselves and they go into fight or flight responses. Both the fight and the flight response are
defensive and at the end of the day what are you defending? On many levels you are merely
defending your ego. Your position. Your view.
Why do you want to go through all of the rollercoaster emotions involved in using assertive
communication? Is there a degree of addiction to being right?

3. These are radical ideas. My views do not set into those of the establishment. I believe we are
taught from an early age how to not cooperate with one another beyond what is absolutely
necessary to sustain life. I also believe we are taught, subtly how to be in conflict with one
another.
Before you reach for your arsenal of assertive communication skills stop for a moment and
consider this.
What is the outcome but I want to get from this conversation, this interaction, this dialogue and
how can I do this most easily? How can I not only get this result for myself but also for the other
person?
By operating from this win-win mindset not only do we both get what we want. Neither of us has
to feel resentment, or plan revenge at the earliest opportunity.
Try out this new mindset. By doing so you’ll be amazed at the results that you are going to get.
Better Communication Skills? or A
Necessary Paradigm Shift
I came across a video on YouTube today.
Sounds ordinary enough…?
Or is there more to this email ?
What’s the…underlying reason that caused me to sit down and write to you today…
Well, it’s like this…
For a long time I have avoided being political. ( mainly as a result of being well and truly
stomped on by the system in the past whenever I was saying stuff they didn’t like.)
More details later.
( maybe…!)
Just so you know, one of my deepest beliefs and values is that we MUST learn to cooperate
better if we are to survive as a species.
Please note the use of the word survive here. And NO this is not just some impassioned plea to
save the whales or any other single species.

4. This goes much deeper.
It’s all about the deep psychological shifts that humankind needs to make to get to the next
level.
We have a behaviour problem here on planet Earth.
And I hate to be the one to tell you but it’s also a choice problem.
As a species and as individuals, both you and me chose a behaviour that was damaging to our
home. Our planet.
And for a while we chose to ignore that because we were told that government and the
financial system has the answers.
And we believed them.
BUT the truth is…
Our current behaviour is not useful for the long term sustainability of life.
Human life on planet earth is an option.
That’s all it is. An option.
You are an evolutionary choice…
That’s tough to consider but I believe it’s true nonetheless.
You are at a decision point in your life.
We all are.
Nature doesn’t care for your future here any more than it cared for the future of T Rex.
The difference between you and T Rex
is that you have a brain that’s capable of creating choice AND you are still here.
NOW …
at the moment we have systems in place that we use to run or manage our
environment.
These systems are set up on the basis of competition, in just such a way, that there
is inequality.
That inequality results in over 1 billion people living in poverty and starvation.
BUT the problem isn’t a lack of food to feed them with…
It goes deeper…

5. It’s all about beliefs and your psychology. The shift from a competition to a
cooperation mindset.
And cooperation goes beyond mere sharing and management of resources.
Cooperation is and must become humanity’s belief system. A value system.
A way of being for all of humanity, regardless of race, creed, financial status or any
other BS idea you got taught about why other people are different to you.
Cooperation needs to be part of our conscious psychology as a species.
Think about the times when you are not happy…
Aren’t they almost always times when there is a conflict going on.
It is your responsibility to take control of your environment which starts with your
internal environment.
Your beliefs about what is possible.
Control of your environment includes controlling what you think, feel and do.
Despite what you may have been told… you… are the only person who has control
over your beliefs and thoughts.
Those who tell you that you have no choice… USUALLY HAVE A VESTED INTEREST in
keeping you right where you are !.
(“That’s your place.You better get used to it”. “Hey we were always poor, dumb,
downtrodden”. “Your side of the family was/ is radee radee radee”,)
All of the above are just BELIEFS.
Other peoples beliefs… about what is right for you. And you do not have to
accept their beliefs.
I mean it positively flies in the face of what’s written in the Constitution.
You have choice about what you will believe. What you can believe.
Yeah, I know it may sound difficult . But that’s just another belief.
Another idea that YOU have about…
taking control of your own thoughts. Taking control of your life and destiny.
Taking control of your environment
But if Tony Robbins can do it then so can you!
If I can do it, so can you !

6. Doesn’t mean you have to be a total master at it straight away.
It just means that you’re willing to believe it’s posssible to change what you believe.
If you are one of the few who don’t think it’s possible to change what you believe,
from whatever you currently hold in your mind to something else, please do not
read any further.
Instead consider…
what causes you to have such a limiting view.
Who or what told you to believe that you are powerless over your own mind and
where THAT belief came from for them.
You can always hit the back button / unsubscribe.
I will be upset, knowing that yet another human being just gave up on possibility,
themself and the whole future of the planet.
The rest of us will ask ourselves the question “Is there something more we can do
to assist ?”
If you truly believe you are incapable of changing that one tiny belief don’t even
bother to get out of bed tomorrow.
Why waste energy ?
Speaking of which, for those of you who are still here with me. ..What does get you
out of bed ?
What is the motivator for you that shifts you from that warmth and comfort to
whatever you do when you get up.?
Once you are aware of that then you have tapped into the most powerful motivation
on the planet.
So, spend some time really getting in touch with WHY you do what you do.
I have considered for some time how do we transition from where we are now to
where we need to be as a species.
As part of our ecosystem.
We are after all, at a very basic level, just another item in the intricate biological
soup that makes up life on this planet.
You of course are also infinite possibility in evolutionary motion.
You may be curious about what this all has to do with communication.

7. You can also be curious about How you can create the levels of cooperation needed
to achieve survival.
Why did I just mentioned survival again?
Did you ever consider that perhaps, getting cooperation is the whole reason that
you communicate in the first place ?
I mean why else did we go to all that troube of creating and refining language if not
to get better cooperation with others ?
We are a social species and social implies cooperation and to do that we have to
communicate clearly.
Think about it ! If you don’t want or need something you don’t speak or wave or do
anything else to communicate with others.
Even a smile can fulfill the need to comfort or reassure another person (or yourself.)
So while you’re thinking about what moves you from your bed every day I’d also
invite you to really consider what results you want to get from communicating.
Consider also if your communication is getting you the results that you really really
want. The environment you want. Internally and externally.
And if the answer is YES then
Watch…