2. Of course not. Even when she presents her evidence, he twists and changes
it in order to confirm his own logic. It's curious… what is the purpose of this
behavior? Where does his dedication lie, to confuse the wife? To frustrate
her needs and expectations??
We all have human needs; basically here we look at both people’s needs for
love and connection… At the least, you need to engage in some kind of
relationship with others. There is his duality, searching for love and
connection while being hostile to his relationships.
As he developed a toxic image of what a relationship is, he is now trying to
duplicate the kind of relationship he learned being a child, this time with
another grown up, with himself playing the controlling role. Why is he
picking a woman willing to receive his angry words?
He then needs to frustrate her a little bit every day, building up in her a
pattern of frustration so high that she gets to express the anger that he has
been repressing all his life.
She Needs To Feel Needed!
She grew up in a home where she was relegated and not appreciated…
always in a little corner. When she wanted to be seen, someone stole the
focus off her. Her intention is to rescue him by offering enough love as to
change his resistance.
Sending two contradictory messages of attraction and rejection is the mark
of this relationship. If she continues seeing him as a prisoner, then she will
keep attempting to send him lots of her love.
Even when he sets up experiences to get her to reject or deprive him, (so
then he can blame her for his dissatisfaction), she prefers to play along. If
she would be happy with herself, then she could free herself from fear of
loneliness. So, is better to keep waiting on him. He is blind to making an
emotional connection with her.
Accepting this fact can take her from feeling lonely and depressed in this
marriage, to angry at him. He feels threatened by the conversation, and
withdraws, causing her anger. He feels impotent to solve her anger, so he
withdraws and gets more silent, which drives her crazier. It’s a seesaw of
search for connection and withdrawal.
Why Is This Seesaw Between Anger And
Depression Functional To Her?
3. Why would she be any longer with someone who frustrates her??
Is she set up also to repeat a childhood scenario where people would entice
her with affection only to reject her later?
Her parents trained her in emotional frustration, so that is what she
provokes her husband to give her now?
In repetitive scenes from this script, you can see her self-esteem reduced to
zero as her frustration and anger turn to rage when she feels again unable
to attract a direct commitment from a loving man. She can break the linkage
between her past story and her present abusive relationship with a passive
aggressive man. To be more appreciated by him, she needs to strengthen
her self-esteem.
Nora Femenia, Ph.D. is a well-known coach, conflict solver and trainer, and
CEO of Creative Conflict Resolutions, Inc. She has written multiple
publications about happy, healthy marriages and how to enhance marital
happiness, including her latest book on passive aggressive behavior,
“Recovering from Passive Aggression.”
Her innovative and compassionate conflict solutions are offered as e-books,
articles and life-changing coaching sessions, all available from her blog:
Creative Conflicts
