A presentation by leading parenting experts and child specialists Alyson Jones MA RCC, Melissa Ander MEd RCC, and Rob Croezen MSW RSW, three members of the team of therapists at Alyson Jones & Associates specializing in separation and divorce issues. Alyson, Melissa and Rob shared the knowledge and experience they have gained after many years of supporting children, teens and their families with Connect Family Law in January. The focus of this presentation was on co-parenting issues faced by separated or divorced spouses. Learn more: https://www.connectfamilylaw.ca/salon/challenges-of-co-parenting

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Children, Anxiety and
Divorce –
Assisting Families through
Divorce & Separation
Navigating the pitfalls and
challenges while keeping your
children’s needs at the forefront of
the process.
Alyson Jones & Associates
Presenter: Alyson Jones, MA, RCC
Clinical Director
Child and Family Therapist
Parenting Coordinator
Multi-disciplinary counselling centre, offering a full-range of
therapies for individuals, couples, family, children and youth.
www.alysonjones.ca
113-2419 Bellevue Ave, West Vancouver
604-926-6665
Overview
• Children and Anxiety
• Impact of Divorce on Children
• Needs of Children
• The Do’s and the Don'ts
• Pitfalls and Potential for Growth
• Supporting Attachments
• Therapy as a Resource
Maturation in The Perfect Storm
• Anxiety and Depression
• Technology
• Nuclear Family
Exploding
• Pressured Relationships
• Self-Esteem/ Self-
Concept
What is Anxiety Anyways?
• A normal, healthy
emotion experienced
by everyone
• A warning to prepare
for threatening or
challenging events
• A call to action
• Different from fear
• The goal to is to
learn to manage
anxiety
What Causes and Maintains Anxiety?
• may be caused
by an inherited
tendency
• may be caused
by a recent event
or circumstance
• active, creative
mind with a body
system that over-
reacts
• anxiety may
be maintained
by negative
self-talk

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What does Anxiety Look Like?
• Common , expected symptoms of anxiety
– Withdrawal, avoidance, clinging
– Tearful, upset, separation fears
– Difficulties with sleep
– Physical complains; stomach pain, headaches,
muscle pain, increased heart rate
• Unexpected symptoms of anxiety
– Anger, tantrums, oppositional behaviour
– Aggression
– Attention problems, difficulty thinking clearly
– Responds with inflexibility, frustration
– Black and white thinking
– Resistance to completing work
When it is experienced for
too long
too often
too intensely
• interferes with a child’s
everyday life
Anxiety is the #1 Mental
Health Issue with Children
and Teens.
Can Anxiety ever be a Good Thing?
• how is it adaptive?
• what is it telling us?
• is it making you more aware of
how your actions/behaviours
affect your children?
• anxious children are often very
creative and imaginative
Impacts of Divorce & Separation
on Children
• Higher Risk
• Increased Anxiety
• Transition and Stress
• Attachment/ Detachment
• Impact of Conflict
• Good News: You Can Control the
Conflict
• Good News: Relationship Deepening
CHILDREN
IN THE FOREFRONT
What Children Need to Hear
• You will continue to take care of and
provide for them
• Adult love is different than the love
between a child and a parent
• Your feelings for you partner have
changed BUT your special relationship
with the child will go on forever
• The child did not cause the divorce

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What Children Need to Hear
• It is not the child’s job to fix the adult
problems or to be your support
• Even though it is normal to wish the
parents will get back together, it is not
going to happen
• The separation/divorce was not an
easy/ quick decision
• When you married, you loved each
other and hoped things would work out
What Children Need to Hear
• A separation/ divorce is a sad time and
it is OK for everyone to have his/her
own feelings about it
• You are sorry this decision has hurt the
children
• You encourage the children to see the
other parent/ support that relationship
• Reassure them that, although they are
sad now, they will feel happy again
Pitfalls: What to Avoid Doing
• Be Invested in “Winning”, “Being Right”
• Involve Children in Adult Conflict
• Use Children as Emotional Support/ Allow them to Act
as Caretakers
• Share with Children the Details of what went wrong in
the Relationship
• Make Reactive Decisions/ Threaten Stability
• Disparage/ Blame the other Parent
• Use Children as Messengers
• Devalue or Underestimate the Other Parent
Relationship on Development of Children
Pitfalls: What to Avoid Doing
• Let the Interests of the Children Slip Out of the
Forefront
• Give in to every “Want”/ Overcompensate
• Impairment (Get counselling for any drug or drinking
issues you may have)
• Anger – It can Undermine Parenting and Your Ability
to Show Children Your Love for Them
• Let Financial Issues Impact Parenting
• Withhold Child Support Payments/ Tell children about
withheld payments
Potential for Growth!
• You Can Demonstrate to Children how
to be a Grown-Up
• Show this Can be Done with Dignity
• Show Conflict can be Resolved
• Children are be given opportunity to be
Resilient.
Potential for Growth!
• Children can develop Adaptive Skills
• Children are Encouraged to develop
Strong Relationships with both Parents
Individually
• You can gain Self Respect and
Credibility with your Children
• Opportunity to Create 2 “Safe Harbours”

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Parenting Time/Parenting
Responsibilities
• Paradigm Shift from
Custody and Access to
Parenting Time
• Formerly, “Custody and
Access”
Creating Parenting Plans
• You can work together cooperatively to
create your parenting plan
• You can work with a collaborative team
• You can negotiate through lawyers
• If you cannot agree - Section 211 in the
FLA
• Views of the Child Report
Roles of Professionals/Use Your
Resources Well
• Lawyers
• Counsellors
• Child Specialists
• Divorce Coaches
• Financial Advisors
• Assessors
Divorce Can Impact Attachment
• Marital conflict and discord can cause
parents to become preoccupied with adult
relationship issues and thus become less
accessible to their children.
• Divorce can creates competing
attachments as well as attachment voids.
Attachment and Proximity
• Children are often attached to their
parents as a couple.
• When children have both parents in
proximity they are able to satisfy
closeness and contact at the same time,
or as the desire emerges.
• When parents divorce, the children are not
able to be physically close to both parents
simultaneously.
Competing Attachments
If parents are competing with each other or
disparaging each other it creates a situation
where the child has to reject or separate
from one parent to be close to the other.
Competing Attachments and Loyalty
Conflicts are harmful to children.

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Speak Well of Each Other
In order to counteract competing
attachments or attachment voids, the
parents should
speak well of each other to the children,
support the relationship between the
children and each parent
and facilitate the attachment with the other
parent.
Maintaining Connection
• It is essential for both parents to do
everything in their power to help their
children keep the other parent close
emotionally as the situation/schedule
usually prevents or limits physical
closeness.
New Partners
When a new partner or step-parent is
introduced, the children need to feel there is
no competition for a parental role. The
children need to be reassured that nobody
can replace their natural parents and they
only have one father or mother.
Secure Attachment Equals Healthy
Children
If the relationships between the children and the
parents are secure and without competition,
there will be an environment in which multiple
attachments are possible and relationships are
complimentary rather than competitive.
Healthy attachment reduces risks and is the best
foundations for health and wellness for your
children.
Best Interests of the Children
Allow the best interest of the
children to overcome
personal conflict between the
parents.
Therapy as a Resource
• Things have changed!
• Therapy can assist in practical ways, and
be resource based rather than problem
based.
• Building life skills “tool box”
• Assisting the parents in keeping children
at the forefront
• Allowing a space for children to grieve and
build resiliency.

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What AJ&A Does
• Couples and Individual Counselling
• Child and Youth Counselling/ Informal
Advocacy/Best Interests of the Child
• Parenting Plans
• Mediation
• Parenting Coordination
• Divorce Coaching
• Reunification Counselling
• Transition Counselling
.Co-parenting Counselling
Resources
www.collaborativedivorcebc.com
http://www.bcparentingcoordinators.com
www.alysonjones.ca
Contact
Alyson Jones & Associates
113 – 2419 Bellevue Ave. West Vancouver
info@alysonjones.ca
www.alysonjones.ca
604-926-6665