Deborah Jeff: Regretting Divorce and Separation

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Deborah Jeff: Regretting Divorce and Separation

  1. 1. Understanding separation regret and the impact on children
  2. 2. What we tried to understand…  Feelings of regret  Process of divorce and the use of relationship education  Impact on children Seddons 2
  3. 3. Do you have children?... 50.00% 45.00% 40.00% 35.00% 30.00% 25.00% Female 20.00% Male 15.00% 10.00% 5.00% 0.00% Live with you all the time Live with you part of the time Live with ex partner/spouse but you have contact visits They are grown up and live with neither of us Seddons 4
  4. 4. What we tried to understand…  Feelings of regret  Process of divorce and the use of relationship education  Impact on children Seddons 5
  5. 5. Do you regret marrying or cohabitating? No Yes 38.75% No 61.25% 55+ 56.22% 45-54 61.48% 18-24 56.36% 25-34 68.40% 35-44 56.86% Seddons 6
  6. 6. If yes, why? We were not right for each other… We drifted into it without making a clear decision… 20.83% 57.44% We were never both fully committed to the relationship… 17.86% We rushed into it… 34.52% It wasn’t worth the subsequent pain… 27.08% Seddons 7
  7. 7. What do you regret most about getting a divorce or separating? Other 4.96% Nothing 20.30% Losing the house 10.50% I wish we had not separated 21.57% The way we conducted the divorce/separation 21.34% Not having custody of the children 6.11% The financial consequences 24.34% The impact on our children 33.33% Seddons 8
  8. 8. What do you wish you had learned at the start of your marriage / cohabitation? None of the above 22.61% The kinds of difficulties most couples experience 28.26% How to handle disagreements more constructively 20.42% How relationships grow and develop over time 28.26% How to communicate and support each other more effectively 23.53% More about each other's character, values or interests 34.83% Seddons 9
  9. 9. If you could turn back the clock, what would you change in your relationship? Nothing 24.45% Get relationships counselling or other help 19.03% Try harder to make the relationship work 24.91% Make different choices about work or career 19.03% Seddons 10
  10. 10. If you could turn back the clock, what would you change in your relationship? Not marry a self-obsessed mummy’s boy… Choose someone who was less selfish… I would have never let it get as far as marriage… My wife not being a psychopath… Not give in to others all the time… Get my partner the help he needed… Run a mile! Find the right man to marry in the first place… Seddons 11
  11. 11. What we tried to understand…  Feelings of regret  Process of divorce and the use of relationship education  Impact on children Seddons 12
  12. 12. Did you attend a marriage preparation course or other relationships education in the early stages of your marriage? No Yes 16.38% 55+ 92.97% 18-24 65.45% 25-34 79.86% No 83.62% 45-54 91.85% 35-44 79.90% Seddons 13
  13. 13. Why not? We couldn't find a suitable course 4.55% My partner didn't want to 7.72% Other 8.69% We never thought about it 44.14% We were too busy 7.86% We didn't think it was necessary or important 25.52% We didn't know there were such courses 36.97% Seddons 14
  14. 14. Did you get any marriage / relationship counselling when the relationship was in difficulty? 90.00% Yes 20.88% 80.00% 70.00% 60.00% 50.00% Yes 40.00% No 30.00% 20.00% 10.00% No 79.12% 0.00% 18-24 25-34 35-44 45-54 55+ Seddons 15
  15. 15. Why not? We couldn't find a suitable course 3.94% Other 8.45% We never thought about it 26.24% My partner didn't want to 13.41% We weren't able to discuss such things 13.41% We didn't think it would make a difference 25.95% It was too late, one or both of us had already decided to separate 37.90% Seddons 16
  16. 16. Have you ever tried to reconcile your differences with your ex-partner? 30.00% Did you succeed? 25.00% No 39.19% 20.00% Yes and now we're back together 13.54% 15.00% 10.00% 5.00% 0.00% Yes, during Yes, we got Yes, a few No, we No, by the the early marriage times didn't have time I stages of counselling towards the that kind of realised I the end relationship was relationship unhappy it we tried to was too late talk things to do through anything about it No Yes we're friends 47.27% Seddons 17
  17. 17. What we tried to understand…  Feelings of regret  Process of divorce and the use of relationship education  Impact on children Seddons 18
  18. 18. Who was most affected by the divorce or separation? (by gender) 45.00% 40.00% 35.00% 30.00% 25.00% Female Male 20.00% 15.00% 10.00% 5.00% 0.00% Children Family You Your partner Other Seddons 19
  19. 19. Did your arguments affect your children? Not applicable I don't have children 13.17% No 14.69% Yes, they felt they needed to take sides all of the time 6.48% Yes, they really had no idea what was going on 12.53% In denial? Yes, they were very upset 12.74%  Yes, because perhaps the divorce would have been smoother and quicker for everyone if we hadn't 22.03%  Has your relationship with your children been affected? 74.33% said NO  Yes, because it wasn't helpful to anyone 18.36% Did your divorce affect your children? 23.91% said NO Has your divorce had any negative impact on your children’s personal relationships? 69.67% said NO Seddons 20
  20. 20. Impact – the ripple effect Divorce had a positive impact 7.61% Physical health and well-being deteriorated 14.57% No impact 23.91% Emotional state deteriorated 34.35% Other 6.52% General behaviour deteriorated 17.17% Friendships and relationships deteriorated 11.74% School performance deteriorated 23.48% Seddons 21
  21. 21. How was your relationship with your child affected? 25.00% 20.00% 15.00% 10.00% 5.00% 0.00% They don't speak to me as much They are more distant They don't trust me as much They are more clingy They are less They are more emotional and emotional and affectionate with affectionate with me me Other Seddons 22
  22. 22. The bottom line: two key questions “Are we in denial over the impact of separation on children?” “How can we overcome the stigma attached to counselling and help couples get the early support and relationships education they need and deserve?” Seddons 23
  23. 23. 5 Portman Square, London, W1H 6NT Seddons 24

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