G O L F "Gentlemen Only - Ladies Forbidden" The Invincible Tale of the Great Mighty Puddy Written by David Michael ONeillProperty of: David M. ONeill3500 West Olive Blvd. Suite # 300Burbank, CA 91505Phone: (702) 327-3199David.ONeill@carolinafilms.comwww.carolinafilms.com WGA
FADE IN:EXT. SCOTLAND’S NORTHERN HIGHLANDS - DAYEerie, robust, distant Scottish bagpipes sweep faithfullyacross green, soggy and long natural fairways. SCREEN READS NORTHERN HIGHLANDS SCOTLAND 1152CREDITS BEGIN:EXT. HIGHLAND VISTA - DAYA burly rugged Scotsman, FITZGERALD MCKENZIE MCFADDEN (50’S),strides powerfully cresting over a Highland Vista. COUSIN MCFADDEN (laughing hysterically) Those dainty Stoatin’ Tatties be chitterin’ and poken’ deep in the Loch’s to find us now! Ay?Along side McKenzie appear three more bulky SCOTTISHCOUNTRYMEN (50’s). COUSIN MCFINN (40’S) MUSSLEBURGH (50’S)and QUIQLEY (50’S) out breath, nod and share a look - alllaughing but McFinn. COUSIN MCFINN If the wenches be catchin’ us today good Cousin McFadden, it’ll be a fast punch up the kilts with bare knuckled fists yankin’ tough on the curly’s!Thunder cracks and pounds and overhead!! The men look up. COUSIN MCFADDEN (cowers - soto) Ay... The wenches be summonin’ the “Curse of McTiernan.”INT. ROCK AND MUD HUT - DAYCousin McFinn, eyes fixed toward swirling fog stands door-side. A sign over the door and McFinn reads: “GENTLEMEN ONLYLADIES FORBIDDEN.” COUSIN MCFINN Don’t like it... not a bit...McFadden, Quigley and Mussleburgh drunk sit at a small table.
2. COUSIN MCFADDEN Cousin McFinn... I be ashamed to be related. Show some backbone to the good name of the clan will ya’?A cold north wind from the surrounding vale blows, whistlesand warns. The Men hunker down yet shiver. COUSIN MCFADDEN (CONT’D) Viking bastards turning me Gallic whisker’d twins into a small gunny- sacs of river pebbles.Quigley hands McFadden a Deerskin Parchment. QUIGLEY This’ll warm ya’ frozen bar-ni- acles!On it “Three Sexy Bearskin Viking Girls” lie sprawled abouton a Danish Viking vessel surrounding the great King Canute. COUSIN MCFADDEN (breathless)) Ah, I be puttin’ her “Vahalla McTwissel” right straight into the Bruce’s spank-bank so help me!Heavy war drums suddenly pound like Indian thunder.EXT. NORTHERN HIGHLANDS - DAYThe FOUR HEAVY WIVES (40-50’s) pummel the warpath with fiercevengeance towards the mud-rock hut.INT. ROCK AND MUD HUT - DAYMcFinn’s eyes pierce the fog. From a distance, GHOSTLIKEFIGURES gradually break through the swirling mists. COUSIN MCFINN The Grim Reaper’s Dark Mistresses! Damn you McFadden!!The Men gather their hand weapons and anxiously approach thewindow. COUSIN MCFADDEN They couldn’t have just left us alone today now could they?
3.EXT. WOODS - DAYOn the move like deer the Men hurriedly race through a woodedthicket. COUSIN MCFADDEN (screaming) Weapons ready!EXT. HIGHLAND RIDGE LINE - DAYThe wives pursue and come at us straight ahead like thehungry Armies of William Wallace. MAIDEN MCFADDEN I’ll quarter each one of them!EXT. HIGHLAND FAIRWAY - DAYOut of wind and breath, McFadden and the others share looksabsorbing the inevitable. COUSIN MCFINN The Irish and Vikings I can take but a showdown with the Hags!? If we ever get out of this, I’m going to getcha’ cousin McFadden!! COUSIN MCFADDEN Yeah, if we do, then you can have at me, Cousin! But for now we be fighting them!The Wives make their way towards their husbands with clinchedclubs in tightened fists. MUSSLEBURGH They look mad, McKenzie!The men sober. COUSIN MCFADDEN Quick! Find what you can. We gotta’ hold back their advance! Tee-it off toward the wenches at 100 meters..!The Men quickly scramble for rocks, dirt clods, pine cones,sheep dung, anything that can fly.They Tee Up their dung - wives at 100 yards. COUSIN MCFADDEN (CONT’D) Unscabbard your irons men!! Swing for the Highlands!
4.Using iron swords like golf clubs, they begin swinging at allthey can find i.e., dung, rocks, dirt-clods!McFadden, frustrated, steps forward and shakes his fists inScottish rage. COUSIN MCFADDEN (CONT’D) It was just a place to call our own Mrs. McFadden. Gentlemen Only, Ladies Forbidden if you had to know!! Without you and your fat lady Maiden Hags overtaken for once in our very short lives!! MAIDEN MCFADDEN Leaving us outside to feast on the chewy sod Mr. McFadden? Tending the sheep and the children alone? While you be hiden’ out and drinking up? This was your last mistake husband! MAIDEN MCFINN And you too Husband! COUSIN MCFINN He made me! MAIDEN MCFADDEN ETERNITY with the Curse of McTiernan and all the rest of ya’ hidin’ hooligans! COUSIN MCFADDEN Your Druid curses mean nothing to us!! (trailing off) Kind of...Maiden McFadden finds a pouch of magic dust and throws it inthe air. MAIDEN MCFADDEN You be wandering around forever- CURSED in search of an ancestor to set you free!! GOOD LUCK!!The Maidens hackle and dance but then turn to their husbands.Both sides raise their clubs and swords. The Women charge andthe men toss down their weapons and run for the cover of theforest. ALL Aaaaahhhhhhhhhhhrrrgggggg!!!CREDITS END:
5.EXT. DUSTY BROWN WINDSTORM - DAYBrown hot whipping dust engulfs the screen. SCREEN READS CURRENT DAY - LAS VEGAS NEVADAThrough burning furnace winds a swinging sign reads:MCFADDEN’S FUN TIME MINIATURE LINKSEXT. MCFADDEN’S MINIATURE GOLF COURSE - DAYWe see a worn out entrance of a home-made Miniature GolfPark. An abandoned ghost-like auto-shop sits across a brokendown and distressed Landlord Trailer.Torn up miniature links sprawl the property.An eight inch desert Bark Scorpion crawls over the beaten uptennis shoe of a sleeping man who sits in a lounge chair.We pan up to see the keeper of the links who wears tightyellow dolphin shorts, dirty white socks, and a stained wife-beater that reads “All the Steak You Can Eat!!”An old radio sits by playing Golf updates and news. GOLF NEWS And in the British Open today...Heir to the Scottish Forefather of GOLF itself is THE GREATAND MIGHTY PUDDY MAC MCFADDEN. (53)Puddy is a handsome man but one weathered by defeat anddisappointment. PUDDY (dreaming - moaning) I think I’ll just use the 8 iron and avoid that dogleg all-together.A PIT BULL named SANDY (6) sleeps over on the landlord’strailer porch. Dust blares from her nostrils with everybreath.The dog looks up at Puddy, checks on him, then shuts his eyesagain. PUDDY (CONT’D) Tiger, of course you can carry my clubs...
6.EXT. ADJACENT STREET - DAYFOUR NEIGHBORHOOD GANG MEMBERS, PABLO (13), TYRONE-TYRONE(14) GANG MEMBER # 3 (15), GANG MEMBER # 4 (13) circle aroundthe gate post. PABLO (whispers - laughing) Check it out, Puddy is giving Tiger lessons again.The boys each carry with them lethal rocket slingshots. TYRONE-TYRONE He’s dreaming he’s in the PGN. The “Puddy Going Nowhere Classic!”EXT. MCFADDEN’S MINIATURE GOLF COURSE - DAYPuddy dreams soundly. The Gang-Bangers position then launch.Suddenly a hail of rocks fall from the sky like a cracked andopen thundercloud.Puddy dreams unsuspecting. Suddenly a Debris Bombardmentpelts the grounds of Puddy’s comfortable lounge chair!! PUDDY Hey..EXT. THE STREET - DAYThe Boys then fully pull back a larger elastic launch. PABLO Don’t you hate it when you just keep waking up? It’s your Groundhog Day nightmare, Senor Putt Putt!EXT. MCFADDEN’S MINIATURE GOLF COURSE - DAYA high-velocity dirt clod pelts Puddy’s chest. SMACK!! Hefalls back in his chair head over heals. His beer spills allover his shirt and neck. PUDDY (waking) Aggghhh...Puddy spills from his chair and gets to his knees. PUDDY (CONT’D) I’m gonna’ crush your little inner- city sculls in!!
7.Puddy makes his move. Striding over miniature fairways, hetrips hard over the 3rd Hole Wooden Cowboy. PUDDY (CONT’D) Arrrhg...Puddy goes down!The western cowboy motif crumbles down all around him. Thewooden Cowboy precariously straddles over the backside of ourhero - smiling. (Puddy can’t catch a break) PABLO Look out Senor Brokeback!Puddy turns and sees the Cowboy sitting on him like a floatin the Pride Parade! Smiling and waving - pretty cozy. PUDDY (turns) Get off me!!Puddy throws off the Marlboro Man. The Boys tear off down thestreet laughing!! PABLO See you later Puddy!It gets quiet. Poor Puddy. His daydreams are not even immune. PUDDY (screams in their direction) Little bastards! Try to provide after school activities and where does it get me?Puddy coughs out dust, makes his way to the outhouse.INT. OUTHOUSE - DAYPuddy reaches for a hidden medical mask and covers his noseand face. He drops his pants, sits and takes in a longbreath. PUDDY They have no idea who they’re dealing with...Flies buzz about. Puddy reaches for a hidden magazine behindthe toilet seat.
8.Puddy unfolds a centerfold from an old GOLF DIGEST magazine.His eyes widen. We see it’s actually a picture of MacMcFadden in his wondrous and illustrious youth. PUDDY (CONT’D) Those were the days, hey Mac? They couldn’t touch you then.EXT. SIDEWALL - DAYThe Gang of Boys appear once more. This time with an arsenalof illegal fireworks and rockets. Pablo takes aim. PABLO Hasta la Vista, McPuddy McFadden!Tyrone-Tyrone lights the fuse. The rocket goes! We follow iton it’s path heading directly for the Outhouse Air-vent. TheBoys turn and run.INT. THE OUTHOUSE - DAYPuddy hears the bottle-rocket whistle and go into the vent.His eyes open wide like ping-pong balls. PUDDY Not that!EXT. MINIATURE GOLF COURSE - DAYThe outhouse goes up in a methane furnace explosion!!KABOOM!! PUDDY Ahhh!Torn sheet-metal crash all around him - fiery piece by piece.Puddy stands smoldering over his potty throne. Shorts down,sheet metal peeled back around him. PUDDY (CONT’D) God, that hurts.He clutches the burning remains of the only fond memory hemay have had left - the magazine cover and article. It burnsbefore his eyes. PUDDY (CONT’D) Don’t burn... Don’t... go.. please?Last of his grip... ashes.
9. MELVIN (O.S.) Is that you, Mac? Mac?Puddy turns with his clothes burning and smelling like afiery sewer. The familiar voice stills all movements. PUDDY (beat) There’s only one voice in the world I hate that much.Puddy looks over to see a slick looking slightly less thanconfidant ex-manager MELVIN DEALER (age N/D). PUDDY (CONT’D) Melvin Dealer... MELVIN (little nervous) Mac? McFadden?Plenty of mileage between them. Puddy grins with a wide dirt-smile. PUDDY How ya’ doing, Melvin? I have nothing left for you to steal.A wind picks up. The boat on the blocks behind Puddy catchesthe slightest of breezes and begins to tilt. His dog PETEsleeps beneath the boat.Puddy whistles to the dog without missing a beat. PUDDY (CONT’D) Pete!The old Dog get’s up and does just barely make it out frombeneath the tipping boat. CRASH!!Puddy doesn’t flinch. PUDDY (CONT’D) (beat) Living the dream, Melvin.INT. MFFADDEN’S HALF HOME - HALF AUTO SHOP - DAYPuddy enters and makes for a wash basin. On the nearby wallwe see a poster of a woman. She’s beautiful. An axe is wedgeddirectly between her forehead. BARBARA (40’S) ex-wife.Melvin knocks on the door and steps in. Refers to thefamiliar photo and ax.
10. MELVIN Barb on the wall, huh? I like the axe in the forehead. Nice touch. PUDDY As a reminder. MELVIN So this is all she left you, huh? PUDDY Not even this. MELVIN Venomous. PUDDY To the bone. MELVIN She at least give you visitation? PUDDY She keeps Andy away like I got head lice, makes me the bad guy. I write him but...Melvin sees numerous engine blocks, old tires, oil pans andtorn couches. MELVIN “Early American Mechanic.” Like it. PUDDY What’s not to like? Unbearable heat of the Mojave to the west, random desert vipers, plundering bloodthirsty Crips to the east. Only thing missing is a Hummingbird feeder.Puddy gets himself undressed. He throws his clothes in thegarbage barrel and steps behind a half-chest shower wall. PUDDY (CONT’D) All the amenities.He pulls a chain above. A small trickle of brown water comesout - just enough to clean up. Puddy spits out sludge. MELVIN Where do you sleep in this place?
11. PUDDY Over there on the couch. See the rabid bats above in the rafters? They don’t bother me too much. They drop their guano on the left side.Puddy refers to the couch and we see a tall pile of gray batguano. PUDDY (CONTD) I sleep on the right. The only thing that really irritates me though are the dung beetles that carry their filthy fragrant little shit-balls back and forth across my neck when I’m sleep. That’s why I have no Adam’s apple. Most people think I’m a woman now. Can’t sing anymore, Melvin.He throws on a dirty bathrobe on from the “Holiday Inn.”Puddy steps out from the shower and towards Melvin. MELVIN (backs up) Ah, don’t be like that. You know, you know it’s always complicated. PUDDY Complicated, huh? I’ll show you complicated!Puddy makes a lunge for Melvin’s throat. He begins chokinghim with a mechanic’s rag! PUDDY (CONT’D) You ruined me! You’ve ruined me, Melvin! I was a somebody! A somebody! MELVIN (gagging) Mac?! You ruined us! After that Gentlemen Only Ladies Forbidden stunt at East Haven, our names were poison! You know how much money they lost? Nearly 3/4 quarters of the female memberships! I couldn’t get us a tournament! You nearly brought sport of golf back to the Dark Ages single-handedly! We were Blacklisted!Melvin’s eyes bulge. He can’t breathe. He gasps.
12. PUDDY I was a Masters Champion! You should have found another way!! You could’ve spoken to Stonehouse! MELVIN (choking) I tried but he wouldn’t see me. But that’s why I’m here! Stonehouse! He reached out! They called asking for YOU!!Puddy slows but still holds the rag tightly. PUDDY (beat) What?The phone rings. MELVIN Stonehouse. There’s a tournament. He wants to talk! It’s preliminary but...Phone rings again. Puddy slows the choking. PUDDY Hold up. You stay where you are! (picks up) Hello, McFadden’s Links for... Oh, hi Sheryl. Sort of busy, yeah... No, I don’t need to refer to the... lease agreement.Puddy cups the phone. He eagerly begins packing a bag. PUDDY (CONT’D) Your car out there on the street? MELVIN Yeah... PUDDY Give me your keys!Melvin tosses Puddy his car keys. PUDDY (CONTD) You want me, you got me Melvin.Puddy turns away from Melvin and puts on a French foreignaccent.
13. PUDDY (CONT’D) (French accent - sheepish) Uh... jeune et attrayante petite fille... MELVIN (whispers) You speak French?Puddy cups the phone again. PUDDY I learned it to pay the utilities you freak!Puddy resumes. PUDDY (CONT’D) “Cheri.” Déroulez les Scrappy culottes bêt... lwiggle de votre vie!Melvin stands frozen by the macabre scene - eyes wide open.He looks out to the impending dust-swirling gauntlet. PUDDY (CONT’D) (cups the phone) It’s going to get loud and that’s when we’re making our break for it! MELVIN A break for it? We have to make a break for it?We then hear a long and loud high pitched scream-like-squealfirst from the phone then from the nearby trailer outside. PUDDY You’re in the green zone buddy.It’s penetrating! A shock-wave punches through. The guyscover their ears. PUDDY (CONT’D) This is it!EXT. MINIATURE GOLF LINK- DAYPuddy leads Melvin outside of his shack. Both take a look atthe trailer across the way. PUDDY Run like hell! If she catches you, she’ll eat you!
14.They make a run for it past the miniature greens. From thetrailer we hear animal-like moans and groans, furnituresmashing. PUDDY (CONT’D) The car! Get to the car!!The trailer door opens. A 500 pound SHERYL (40’s) stepsforward. She holds the phone and pouts. Her tight fishnetsbulge through like the fresh catch of the day.She holds the phone in her tubby little hand. SHERYL Puddy Wuddy? Where you going?Puddy and Melvin hit the gravel driveway running. SHERYL (CONT’D) Puddy? You coming back?Puddy’s hand slowly reaches for the door-handle while keepinghis eyes on Sheryl. PUDDY Yeah, sure.. Like always... Little Seven Eleven for some jerky.Sheryl slowly bends down and reaches for her Pit Bull’scollar. SHERYL Sure? PUDDY Uh, oh! SHERYL I wouldn’t like it if you didn’t come back.She then lets the Pit Bull off the chain. SHERYL (CONT’D) Sandy, get those ass-holes!The dog bolts for our heroes. PUDDY Get in the car! GET IN THE CAR!!Sandy the Pit Bull rushes the men and bounds furiously overthe links. Puddy fumbles with the keys.
15. MELVIN We’re going to die! We’re gonna’ die!The dog lunges across the fairways. Puddy just does get inthe car. The two men scramble and slam the doors. Slam! Slam!INT. CAR - DAYPuddy sits behind the wheel. Melvin hyperventilates. PUDDY You glad you came, Melvin? See what you did to me?! Everyday is like this! I aught to feed you to Sandy!It grows quiet. Then BAMM! The Pit Bull suddenly slamsagainst Melvin’s window with curling, frothing teeth peeledback and looking for steak. MELVIN AGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!Puddy turns and looks - sees Sheryl about to break down andcry. PUDDY Oh, God.. Not that... She’s going sonic.EXT. TRAILER - DAYSheryl opens her wide mouth and WE GO IN. She let’s out anincredible Mr. Limpet sonar cry! AOUUHUUUOAAAN!!!!Mankind and Nature itself hold frozen momentarily in Sheryl’ssonic grip. PUDDY (Titanic) This is it!!EXT. MINIATURE GOLF COURSE - DAYA shock wave expands out across the Par 3 Windmills.INT. CAR - DAYPuddy fights furiously to get the keys in the ignition.Pop! The back windshield goes! The driver’s mirror explodes.Puddy guns Melvin’s sedan and breaks free down the roadswerving off the gravel road.
16.EXT. TRAILER PORCH - DAYSheryl sits and crosses her legs. (not pretty) She blows herwhistle for the dog. SHERYL He’ll be back.The Dog retreats and makes its way back to Sheryl. The PitBull jumps up on her lap. Scratches Sandy’s ears. SHERYL (CONT’D) Puddy always comes back...INT. CAR - DAY210 Freeway. Puddy at the wheel - elevator music. Both arecalm and staring ahead. PUDDY (stares straight ahead) You ever blow Bubbles as a kid? MELVIN All the time. MELVIN (CONT’D) (beat) He called me. Wanted to tell ya’ he was looking for you!Puddy keeps his eyes forward. MELVIN (CONT’D) Don’t hit me...Puddy’s hands fly from the wheel and swing to Melvin’sthroat. Car swerves dangerously from left to right.EXT. GOLF DRIVING RANGE - NIGHTPuddy pulls into parking. Golfers dash out of the way. FAN # 1 (O.S.) Asshole!! PUDDY (frustrated) Eat me, grandma!INT. DRIVING RANGE PARKING LOT - NIGHTMelvin and Puddy get out of the car. Puddy reaches in andgets the clubs out of the trunk.
17. MELVIN East Haven’s coming in with a big sponsor. They want to bring back the old retired guys and make heroes out of them. PUDDY Heroes? I don’t get it? MELVIN Viagra Invitational. Old guys, soft puds... Do the math.Puddy stops. PUDDY I’m as hard as a Russian sub! MELVIN Listen, Widow Maker, the purse is five million dollars. PUDDY Cold pools, icy dips, whatever it takes. MELVIN Thought so, Limpy.EXT. TOWARDS THE DRIVING RANGE - NIGHTPuddy and Melvin make their way towards the driving range. MELVIN You have to get in shape, take this seriously. PUDDY I’m not going back to Miss Fishnets. MELVIN One more thing. PUDDY What’s that? MELVIN Image. PUDDY Image? I got a great image! People love me. Chicks dig me.
18. MELVIN You’re a chauvinist pig Puddy! I don’t have to remind you seventy five percent of the female membership left East Haven after you tried to open up that stupid “Gentlemen Only and Ladies Forbidden” club in their lounge. You cursed us both with that one.Puddy’s eye catches a familiar face coming at him. It’s actorCHRISTOPHER WALKIN (60’S) walking towards him with a coupleof buddies. PUDDY Oh, no... Shit! Walkin... Just keep going, hopefully he won’t recognize me. Ah, man... MELVIN Why?Walkin approaches. CHRISTOPHER WALKIN Woa... woa.. Stop the presses. Is that, Mac, McFadden? Here? Are you in the flesh? PUDDY The flesh it is... Ah... You know Melvin Dealer, Chris? CHRISTOPHER WALKIN Sure... Melvin, the mid-range scavenger... you’ve gained a little weight but you’re still a very handsome man. MELVIN Thank you? CHRISTOPHER WALKIN Puddy, last I heard, you have your own course now. You’re big. Every golfers dream to have his own course. I’m sure you designed it yourself? PUDDY Co-owner. Well, we’re trying to get a bucket in before the range shuts down. Nice seeing you, Chris...
19.Puddy attempt to push past. CHRISTOPHER WALKIN (in confidence)) Pud, I have to tell you, after all this time, Mac, I am in a much better place. It was bad but better now. I want to you to know that. PUDDY That’s great... Well, we’ll be seeing you... CHRISTOPHER WALKIN I mean if you really think about it, smacking a 90 year old Catholic Bishop with a five iron in the side of his head because someone greased my clubs with WD-40... Now, that’ll tickle ya’ in a lot ways... PUDDY I wasn’t laughing Chris. CHRISTOPHER WALKIN Swinging that greased club, thinking I had a real grip was like eating a banana from a toilet with a blind-fold on, I mean you can flush, but you never know quite what’s going down. PUDDY I swear to God. CHRISTOPHER WALKIN And who could have guessed the charity money raised would all go to the lawsuit and to the man’s burial? Now that’s a twist. Funny... Mac! Dangerous! But funny. (In confidence) Please.. I’d stay off the circuit Puddy. It’s like a curse, that stuff has a way of coming back and boomeranging on you!Walkin moves on by. Puddy’s past cannot be escaped. PUDDY (frustrated) Have some cow bell.
20.EXT. DRIVING RANGE - SECOND TIER - NIGHTPuddy places his first ball on the rubber tee. Melvin pacesbehind him. MELVIN C’mon now Mac... Focus.Puddy takes a swing and shanks hard left. Weeeeiiishhhh -hard shank!! PUDDY (nervous- preoccupied) See what you’re doing to me? Quiet! MELVIN Yeah, I’m the curse...WHAM! Another ball takes a wicked flight skyward and tearstowards a nearby light-pole. BAM! Shards of glass rain below. MELVIN (CONT’D) Nice shot you Shankaphile! Forget what a driver is for? Did you hear what I said? PUDDY Can I golf in peace here!Puddy hits another ball and shanks far right. A windshieldsmashes. Car alarm blares.EXT. STREET - NIGHTA golf ball hits an OLD MAN walking with his wife in the backof the head. He falls to his knees and drops with a THUD!INT. BEDROOM - NIGHTA MAN and WOMAN make love. A FOURTH ball rips through thewindow, and sticks in the man’s cheeks. He stiffens up likean ironing board to the delight of his lover. WOMAN Oh, Dennis!EXT. DRIVING RANGE - SECOND TIER - NIGHTPuddy takes another wild stroke... He clips it and the ballricochets against the cement divider wall.The ball viciously ping pongs inside the stall then escapesand flies by Melvin’s head. The boys dance out of the way.
21. PUDDY Look out!EXT. GOLF CAFE - NIGHTThe ball slams across two tables knocking over scaldingcoffee onto the laps of the ELDERLY. SENIOR MAN Hit the deck, Helen. Some bastard’s lettin’ lose up there in the driving range!EXT. DRIVING RANGE - SECOND TIER - NIGHTPuddy stands horrified. His game is gone. PUDDY (terrified) Oh, God... I’ve lost it, Melvin. My game. It’s gone away. I got nothin’! I’ve been on the miniature links too long.INT. HAWAWAIIAN TONGA HUT BAR - NIGHTPuddy and Melvin sit next to a small stage. The restaurant isoverly decorated in schmaltz-Hawaiian along with Hawaiianelevator muzac.Both Puddy and Melvin wear Hawaiian flowered leas. Puddylooks defeated. No answers, absolutely lost, pathetic. PUDDY (beat) I’m condemned to the dessert life. Bloods, Crips, summer monsoons, desert vipers... Sheryl.A Sexy beautiful WAITRESS (20’S) approaches the table. SEXY WAITRESS Can I get you guys something? PUDDY How about a straight shot of “it’s over?”Puddy lifts his eyes. Her unapproachable beauty and youth isa lifetime ago for the one-time, Lothario. PUDDY (CONT’D) My God, you’re beautiful. How old are you?
22. SEXY WAITRESS Twenty-one.. Go to UCLA... Parents are in town for the sorority jamboree. PUDDY Sorority, jam-bo... What’s your name? WAITRESS Kiki.Puddy sighs. PUDDY “Kiki” in the “Tiki” lounge. SEXY WAITRESS I think because my name rhymed it help me get the job.Kiki giggles. Puddy oddly giggles. PUDDY (sadly smitten) See that? See how she said that, Melvin? Said it just like... that was funny. MELVIN A Perrier with an umbrella. PUDDY Make that a tall bottle of mineral water. Thanks.Waitress walks away. PUDDY (CONT’D) See what I mean? Chicks dig me. MELVIN Fleas and ticks dig you. Chicks hate you. Don’t embarrass yourself we have work to do. PUDDY (sighs) When did middle age set in? Huh? MELVIN About thirteen years ago.
23. PUDDY So you got me out here, I’ve just shown I can’t hit a ball, so now what?INT. DRESSING ROOM - NIGHTA small cramped room. A beautiful WOMAN (30’s) with dark hairand bright eyes, stage name MIALANI (real name, AnnieBrewsinksi) one more time puts on the degrading Hawaiian HulaSkirt and preps her show. She places a lei over her head.The furthest thing from a Pacific Islander but a gig is agig, is a gig, is a gig. The dressing room sea shell phonerings. MIALANI (very concerned) Brock? Hi, baby... I’m just about ready to go on. I’m trying to work it out with the Judge. I need permission from her. You getting your homework done?A DANCER comes in and gives Mialani the signal “2 minutes.”Annie places her wig on - adjusts. MIALANI (CONT’D) I’ve got to go sweetheart... Maybe this weekend.. Okay.. I love you.INT. HAWAWAIIAN TONGA HUT BAR - NIGHTMelvin digs into his coat pocket. Hands a note over to Puddy. MELVIN I got a list of who’s been invited.Puddy’s finger comes down to one name in particular. PUDDY Micky McFinn OToole. Loud, obnoxious, thinks everyone likes him... Tells jokes that aren’t funny. MELVIN Like you. Great Golfer and it’s in through him you must go. PUDDY Can’t one stupid thing in this world ever be easy?
24.The Waitress brings two very tall umbrella drinks and setsthem down. WAITRESS Here you go “handsome.”Kiki turns and leaves. A silly smile works across Puddy’sface. PUDDY She called me handsome. Chicks, dig me! MELVIN They’ll be calling you “handsome” too when they’re changing your diapers. It’s what they do.A heavy set Hawaiian man, RONNY KALUAH (30’s) steps on stage.He reaches for the microphone. PUDDY Why you gotta be like that?The lights go down. RONNY KALUAH Thank you and welcome to “King Kamayamaya Tiki Tonga Hut.” We have a special guest tonight.. So please welcome, a brave Warriorette who’s rowed her canoe all the way from the big island itself... give it up, a warm Hawaiian welcome, the one, the only, Mialani Powilamuka- Brewsinksi... (fight night) Brewsinski...Lights go down. The stage is set. Hawaiian warrior drumsbegin to pound. Smoke fills the room - volcanic explosions! PUDDY Like a luau in here.Puddy reaches for a napkin and wipes a bead of sweat off hisforehead. PUDDY (CONT’D) Think I swallowed a bad clam.The red cheesy curtain is slowly pulled back. We see a largedraped canvas and on it a painting of Diamond Head. Smokecheaply spews.
25.The music gets underway.BACKGROUND DANCERS covered with war-paint flood the floorwith twirling fire-batons and precise movements.Tonga drums pound and swirling flames fill the stage. MELVIN You don’t see this everyday.The Warrior-Dancers then part on either side to reveal, anunder-dressed, hip shaking, grass skirt wearing, exotic-erotic looking, Mialani Powilamuka-Brewsinski.Mialani takes to the stage with power and grace. She movesprecisely in and out of the Warrior Dancers. MIALANI (singing) Tahuawai la a tahunai wai la. Ehu hene la a pili koo lua la... PUDDY (sings chorus) Au we ta huala, au we ta huala... MELVIN What the hell is that? PUDDY Johnny Noble and Leleiohaku’s Hawaiian War Chant.Mialani steps off the stage and works the room. MIALANI Huki, huki, huki, la...Puddy’s head spins. He reaches for his drink, looks, thenputs it back down. He grows dizzy. The Tonga drums get louderand louder. PUDDY Is it hot in here? You hot, Melvin?Mialani moves the room to a frenzy. PUDDY (CONT’D) You see a bathroom in this place?Drums pound. MELVIN Over to the left. You alright?
26. PUDDY Little nauseous. Maybe the smoke? MELVIN Hey? If you’re going to drop a stacker be polite and open the window.Puddy stands up as his head swirls. He reaches for his tableto balance. It’s tilts. MELVIN (CONT’D) Wow... Take it easy.Puddy moves through the crowd, reaching for his forehead. Hemakes his way toward the side of the stage heading towardsthe bathroom. PUDDY Excuse me... Excuse me...Puddy makes his dizzying way past the stage. The WarriorDancers move close with their twirling batons of fire.Wushhh. Wush... WARRIOR DANCER Hey, buddy look out!A fiery baton then smacks Puddy in the face. Puddy tries tobrace but falls inward onto the stage. PUDDY Woooo... MELVIN MAC?In doing so, he accidentally strips the microphone cord awayfrom Mialani’s hands. “Down goes Puddy!” MIALANI Hey? PUDDY Ahhhgggg...Mialani’s foot gets caught on her grass skirt and she stepsover Puddy’s face. MIALANI Huki.... Hey?Now on his back, Puddy looks up and finds himself beneath thegyrating hips of hula grass and Mialani’s shaking thighs.
27. PUDDY Huh?Hula grass washes over Puddy’s face like a car-wash.Mialani’s skirt then catches fire. A melee. MIALANI Ronny? Get this guy!! Creep!!! Looking up my skirt! Are you crazy?Music grinds to a halt. Customers get to their feet and beginbooing Puddy. CUSTOMERS Boooo!!Ronny runs on stage with a fire extinguisher and sprays thewhite dust covering the stage, Dancers, Mialani the Crowd andPuddy. PUDDY Huh?The stage turns into a Hawaiian melee. It’s on. Pushing,shoving. The BOUNCER grabs Puddy and gets him on his feet.Puddy instinctively pushes back. PUDDY (CONT’D) It was an accident! I’m sorry... BOUNCER Yeah, some accident Arsonist!The Bouncer slugs Puddy in the stomach and Puddy doublesover. BOUNCER (CONT’D) Call the cops. I want this guy out of here!The crowd begins throwing their umbrellas from their drinksat Puddy. PUDDY Uuurggg..!INT. LA COUNTY JAIL HOLDING PEN - NIGHTTWO INMATES (40’S) one Black JARNEL, one Hispanic JULIO kisspassionately in the corner of the jail cell.Puddy, covered in white fire retardant at the bars now with aswollen black eye stares out. He then turns to the kissers.
28. PUDDY Can you guys get a room?! You’re not the only ones in here you know? JULIO A room? Oh, we will get a room senor Golfer-Puddy..Puddy turns. PUDDY That’s just disrespectful.We pull back to reveal a Big Black face with large softpillow eyes poised next to Puddy. He is a very large andpowerful INMATE (50’S) who wears his shirt wide open - sexy.He’s got a crush on Puddy. BLACK INMATE (southern accent) You like... “salads?” PUDDY (preoccupied) Huh? Salad are alright. BLACK INMATE You like... “dressing?” PUDDY Blue cheese mostly. What of it? BLACK INMATE You like... “tossed” salads? PUDDY (irritated) Buffets mostly. Like to toss my own. Okay?Pull back to reveal the Black Inmate’s pants down around hisankles. Puddy turns to see his cell-mate half naked. PUDDY (CONT’D) Hey!? BLACK INMATE You want to “toss my Caesar?”Melvin Dealer is led to the holding pen by an LA SHERIFF’SOFFICER. The other inmates begin laughing at Puddy.
29. PUDDY Get me out of here, Melvin! All this guy can think about is salads!The Officer opens up the cell. OFFICER Inmates put your pants back on and step away from the door. MacKenzie McFadden step forward.Inmates, pulling up their pants break out in laughter. Puddysteps through the cell door - embarrassed. The guard closesthe door. BLACK INMATE Maybe you’ll come back and see me? PUDDY (now safe) I’ll toss your salad for breakfast buddy! INMATE You want to eat my ass for breakfast?More confused than agitated. PUDDY No!EXT. CHEAP MOTEL - NIGHTMelvin’s car pulls inside the parking lot. Bad side of town.Real bad. Lights off.INT. CAR - NIGHTPuddy looks around - gang members, prostitutes. MELVIN What do you want at this hour? PUDDY A flack jacket?EXT. PARKING LOT - NIGHTPuddy and Melvin walk from the all-night motel registrationoffice. Loud gunshots pierce the late-night air. Puddy ducks. MELVIN Don’t be so jumpy.
30.INT. MOTEL HALLWAY - NIGHTProstitutes, Rats and Shady Characters fill the hallways.Puddy and Melvin make their way down to room 201.Melvin opens the door.INT. MOTEL ROOM - NIGHTMelvin pushes the door open. This place is bad. It has onesingle unmade bed and a TV. The wallpaper is stained anddirty brown.The Men step in and close the door behind them. Not surewhere to move. PUDDY Smells like dried bleach and dirty socks. MELVIN That’s the smell of prison love. PUDDY Prison love... that’s funny.Puddy sits on the bed. It makes a plastic-type sound goingdown. PUDDY (CONT’D) This is a pee mattress, Melvin? MELVIN Whatta’ expect?Melvin makes himself at home without a care in the world -finicky. He’s all up-side. He throws his bag on the stand -makes for the bathroom. PUDDY Probably anything but a pee mattress. In case I have to go I won’t bother getting up.Puddy’s exhausted. He looks in the mirror and takes in hisshiner and newly acquired burn mark on his cheek. PUDDY (CONT’D) Road hard put away wet.Melvin goes into the bathroom.
31. MELVIN We’ll be out of here in no time. Then tomorrow we’ll go see Stonehouse. First thing.Melvin begins to meticulously lay out his toiletries fromleft to right. He undresses. PUDDY He’ll be looking for his pound of flesh. MELVIN Pound, shmound... He’s got a tournament to pull off.The framed artwork begins to jiggle in front of Puddy. Itshakes from the couple next door making raucous-love. PUDDY (beat) Couldn’t have anticipated that.The moaning amplifies. Puddy puts his ear to the wall. PUDDY (CONT’D) Looks like your prison love has arrived.He crosses the room and exits. MELVIN Where you going? PUDDY Tell these lovebirds to keep it down. It’s three in the morning!INT. HALLWAY - NIGHTPuddy’s nerves are frayed. He rubs his eyes as he walks. Hearrives, pounds on the door. PUDDY Open up! Open up in there you frickon’ jackrabbits!The sounds of raucous love stops momentarily. PUDDY (CONT’D) Listen, people are trying to sleep in...
32.The door opens wide. Puddy stands before his Hispanic andBlack Jail Cell Inmates, Julio and Jarnel. INMATE JULIO Hey, Jarnel... Look who’s here. The cute guy from jail. Senor Puddy Golf man. INMATE JARNEL (O.C.) The one with the tight corduroys? INMATE JULIO You told us to get a room. And we did!!Jarnel approaches - half naked. Stunned, Puddy stands inshock. PUDDY Guys made bail, huh? INMATE JULIO Oh, we made more than bail.He rubs his eyes. PUDDY Oh, God.Then from below, a LITTLE PERSON named SPECK (30’S) pusheshis way through the middle wearing a towel around his waste,a Samurai headband and a gun belt of plastic six-shooters.He’s a bit menacing for his height. INMATE JARNEL This is Speck... PUDDY Of course it is... Speck.Puddy extends his hand to shake, Speck just eyeballs. INMATE JULIO He’s our little X-factor. When we need that extra little “extra.” PUDDY Didn’t see Speck in jail? INMATE JULIO You ever see a midget in jail? Don’t be stupid!
33. INMATE JARNEL You can join us with your drivers, and putters... putting it in the little holes-in-ones’.Julio and Jarnel begin French kissing - again. Speck movescloser to Mac. INMATE SPECK (winks) Beer can on my head? William Tell with a dart gun? PUDDY (getting sick) Excuse me guys... I’m just going to put my face in a tree shredder.The Boys shut the door.The Puddy makes his way defeated down the dark hallway. Asmall family of POSSUMS run past.INT. HOTEL ROOM - NIGHTMelvin stands before the mirror wearing a white robe, a hairnet. With a motorized gadget, he trims his nose-hairs. MELVIN How’d it go? PUDDY Fine.Puddy walks by the bathroom. MELVIN (O.C.) We’ll smooth it over with Stonehouse in the morning, make that all good, get on a schedule. We have to be in court tomorrow too for the Hawaiian melee.Puddy sits on the edge of the bed. PUDDY (defeated) They’ve got nothing on me..?Puddy, numb reaches to turn the TV on i.e., sports, motelchannel, porno, local news.Puddy comes across a TV Commercial featuring, Micky McFinnO’Toole.
34. PUDDY (CONT’D) (hating) “The Finn.”Puddy turns up the TV. O’TOOLE (TV) (loud - obnoxious) We’re thrilled to be opening O’Toole’s 10th Pro-Am Golfing center right here in Chula Gardens where we have 25,000 square feet dedicated to every single part of the game that you need to be your best. We have the latest in Dave Pelz, the Fujikura Motore F1 Shafts, the Adam’s Speed-line drivers along with the PowerBilt Air Force Ones... Remember, we have ten locations that are ready to serve you. “Get your game on today!”O’Toole’s teeth sparkle as Puddy turns off the TV. The art onthe wall begins shaking again. PUDDY (falling asleep) Peck the x-factor.Puddy lies back to the squishy sounds of the pee mattress,closes his eyes. PUDDY (CONT’D) William Tell. Oh, God...Melvin steps out into the room. Puddy is sound asleep andsnoring. Out!Melvin, without a care, turns out the light and moves closebedside. He removes his bedroom slippers and takes a smallslice of the bed. MELVIN We’ll have Milton Stonehouse in the palm of our hands.The art on the wall keeps-a-knockin’. Gunshots strafe in thedistance. MELVIN (CONT’D) Tomorrow’s a new day, Mac! We hit ‘em hard...
35.EXT. PARKING LOT - FOLLOWING MORNING - DAYSmoke drifts across the motel check-in office. We pan over.Melvin’s car burns. TWO THIEVES/ARSONISTS make a run for it.INT. MOTEL ROOM - DAYIn a deep sleep, Puddy and Melvin find themselves in theloving arms of the other. Puddy, now mumbling in his slumber,whispers sweet nothings in Melvin’s ear. PUDDY (whispers) Hmmmm... Come here you little cupcake. Spooning’s not for losers.Melvin’s eyes widen. With lightening speed, he leaps out ofthe bed. MELVIN What the?Puddy’s eyes slowly widen - refreshed. Melvin, shaking,stands terrified. PUDDY (half asleep) ... hey... we ready?EXT. MOTEL - MORNING - DAYThe top of the car is now missing from flames. The INN-KEEPERdowses the last of the flames out. PUDDY Now we’re ready for East Haven.EXT. EAST HAVEN PRIVATE COUNTRY CLUB - CURRENT DAYA mystical Scottish Bagpipe warmly invites.The morning sun breaks majestically over the 18th hole of theEast Haven Country Club Golf Course. Beautiful.INT. COUNTRY CLUB OFFICE - DAYMILTON STONEHOUSE (50’s) a finicky but clever and cunningman stands before a large open bay window before him. Helooks out to his beautiful course. Stunning.THREE ADVERTISING EXECUTIVES, MR. STEVENS, BURT LONGS AND MR.HENRY COLE (60’s) sit comfortably across Stonehouse’s desk.
36.Mialani (Annie the Tonga Hut singer) pours morning coffeewearing white gloves and a uniform. She remains quiet, unseenin the background.Stonehouse turns. STONEHOUSE Thank you, Mialani. You may go now.Mialani exits. Her expression somber. The door closes. HENRY Beautiful “Help” Milton. STONEHOUSE Been with us for five years now. Aspiring singer. Her name is actually Annie Brewsinski but calls herself Mialani. She holds on to her little dreams, I give her credit.Stonehouse sits. MR. STEVENS Stonehouse the course is absolutely magnificent. We couldn’t be more pleased. STONEHOUSE East Haven takes particular pride in every detail. We’re thrilled to be the partner of your firm gentlemen. The press releases have gone out, RSVP’s are coming in and some players are out in the lounge right now. I’m scheduled to meet with Mac McFadden today. Very much on track.The Ad guys lean forward - get a bit excited. BURT Championing the idea of the “comeback” for a guy like him? It’s genius. Our ad-boys really got it right this time. He was known as the comeback kid himself. STONEHOUSE Oh, no doubt about that. McKenzie’s a real poster boy.
37. MR. STEVENS And stepping right back into the spotlight right where they left it. Like every man wants to. MR. COLE Needs to! STONEHOUSE At least for that one last brief moment. MR. COLE That’s the American tale right there and its going to be played out right through that window! STONEHOUSE Almost gives me chills. BURT You and your course stands to benefit tremendously Milton. STONEHOUSE Burt, the image of East Haven is this ad campaign’s perfect partner.EXT. ENTRANCE OF EAST HAVEN COUNTRY CLUB - DAYPuddy pulls in front of East Haven with Melvin’s wreck of acar which still smolders. Caddies dive out of the way as theypull in. PUDDY Look out! Sorry!INT. STONEHOUSE’S OFFICE - DAYPuddy and Melvin sit across from Stonehouse who pacesfeverishly staring out his window - incensed! STONEHOUSE (emphatic) McKenzie “I think I’ll open up a Gentlemen’s Club here at East Haven and ruin my course’s reputation MCFADDEN!” PUDDY It wasn’t a strip club, Milton.
38. STONEHOUSE Let me make this as clear to you as humanly possible! You’re here only because I have no other choice. It’s not me who wants you on my course, it’s the advertisers. PUDDY I get it. STONEHOUSE No, you don’t. It took East Haven nearly 12 years to come back after what you’ve done here!Stonehouse turns and glares. PUDDY It was short-sighted, Milton. I’ve matured. STONEHOUSE Shut up! Our women members dropped off 75% because of you directly. You know how much that cost me? This country club? PUDDY A lot? STONEHOUSE It took us out of every tournament consideration for all this time until now and I’m not having you screw this thing up! MELVIN I assure you we don’t want any trouble. STONEHOUSE Shut up, Dealer! McFadden, you tarnish this course or this club’s name once more and you’ll have to find your next tournament in the Mumbai Classic!! Get it?!INT. COUNTRY CLUB RESTAURANT - DAYPuddy and Melvin, walk at half-mast make their way throughthe crowded lounge.
39. PUDDY That went well... At least he hates you too.INT. COUNTRY CLUB BAR - DAYNear the bar we see about FIFTEEN other GOLFERS eating,drinking and listening to the stories of one man inparticular, the handsome and charismatic, MICKY THE FINNO’TOOLE (48).Puddy holds in his tracks, takes it in. PUDDY Looks like “the Finn” is holding court again... naturally.Micky’s a handsome guy, broad in build, athletic, an ironjaw, white-bright smile and wears short white cropped hair. MICKY THE FINN OTOOLE So, this woman hits off the tee and she absolutely crushes it right? Then, this bee comes out of nowhere... It swoops down like a hawk. It lands right between this old broad’s shoulder blades. Stays there for a minute, then it drops in a stinger like a frickin’ back- hoe... K? I thought this lady was going to die right there. Flat out. She throws her club, punches her Caddie in the lake and runs all the way back to the clubhouse... reaching around for her shoulders, like this. So, she get’s to the Doc and he says “what happened?” She says, “I got stung between the first and second hole.” He says, and get this... “you must have had an awfully wide stance!”The group roars with laughter. MICKY THE FINN OTOOL Right? Lady, you got a “wide stance.” “First and second hole..!”MATT CRENSHAW (50’s) sees Puddy on the fringe standing by. MATT CRENSHAW Is that... Mac McFadden standing over there?
40. GOLFER # 2 IT SURE IS!The rest of the guys turn to face Puddy, everybody’s popularfavorite. Warm smiles and outstretched handshakes. They moveover to meet him. THE GUYS Hey, Mac!! Mac McFadden! Great seeing you!! Welcome back... PUDDY Hey Jim... Tony... Dave, good seeing you... Matt, how have you been?The Guys surround Puddy and Melvin, shake hands and welcomehim in.Puddy, the everyman finds himself right at home. PUDDY (CONT’D) (shakes more hands) Hey, guys..!The Finn stands back and inventories a bit stranded. (Histhunder’s been stolen - irritated) MICKY THE FINN OTOOLE Well, this has suddenly gotten interesting.The Finn steps forward, gracious, welcoming, a little deadly. MICKY THE FINN OTOOLE (CONT’D) Well, well, well... We were all wondering if Stonehouse had you on his radar? MacKenzie McFadden! PUDDY Hello, Mick.They shake hands but strained. MICKY THE FINN OTOOLE Mac... Been a long time. Way too long! PUDDY Yeah... MICKY THE FINN OTOOLE Who would of thought you and I would be back here again, huh?
41. PUDDY Yeah, who would have thought, Mick? Who would of cared? MICKY THE FINN OTOOLE Good one. You out in Bakersfield now? Barstow. Palmdale? PUDDY Vegas... MICKY THE FINN OTOOLE Ah, Sin City. MICKY THE FINN OTOOLE (CONT’D) (a little humiliation) You run a little Putt and Strut? That right?Puddy takes the dig and looks around to the guys. PUDDY “Miniature Golf” Mick. Lot’s of work with the Andre Agassi Foundation. Philanthropic stuff... Kids, you know?Grows awkward. Puddy looks for an out. Doesn’t want trouble. PUDDY (CONT’D) Well, guys ah... Look I guess we’ll be seeing you out there. MICKY THE FINN OTOOLE Hey, where you going? No rush is there? You going to give me a chance to win back some of that money you took from me aren’t you? PUDDY Took from you? MICKY THE FINN OTOOLE At Pebble? PUDDY You mean by me beating you by four strokes, Mick..?The Group “oohs and ahhhs.” Puddy smiles but let’s it go. Hetries to walk past but...
42. MICKY THE FINN OTOOLE Still have that edge don’t you, Mac? I like that...From the other side of the restaurant a GROUP OF WOMEN (40-50’s) enter the lounge. One of them is BARBARA O’TOOLE (43).(One-time Mrs. Barbara McFadden) MELVIN Holy shit, Mac. That your ex-wife?Barbara removes her golfing gloves. Her friends fawn overher. PUDDY What the hell she doing at East Haven?Barbara turns and faces the group. She sees Puddy standingthere. Both hold. BARBARA My God... Never thought I’d live to see the day. McKenzie McFadden.Barbara, without batting an eye carries herself to the grouplike walking on air. Puddy stiffens. PUDDY Why her, now? Melvin? MELVIN Don’t let her get you, Mac. MICKY THE FINN OTOOLE You mean, Barbara? Oh, Mac. We got married.The ante’s just been raised. PUDDY (beat) Married? MICKY THE FINN OTOOLE Barbara didn’t tell you?Barbara approaches. Her tight sweater, designer skirt andentourage follow. BARBARA Hello, Mac.
43. PUDDY You married this toaster-head? BARBARA We’re very happy? PUDDY You? Happy? Where’s Andy? BARBARA He’s in Private School. Having the best summer of his life. PUDDY I’ll bet. Why didn’t you tell me you married oven-breath here? MICKY THE FINN O’TOOLE I’m standing right here.She extends a very large diamond ring. BARBARA “Oven-breath” knows the value of a woman.The group ooohhs and ahhhs... PUDDY But the “FIN?” BARBARA The “Fin” with a “Franchise.”The group Ahhhs and shakes their heads. Another straight shotin the balls. MICKY THE FINN OTOOLE Mac, no worries, we’re still registered at SAKS. Could use some hand towels for the guest-house.The group can now only shake their heads. PUDDY You win, Mick. We don’t want any trouble. Barbara, I’ll call you about Andy.Puddy and Melvin push past towards the door. They get closeto their exit until...
44. MICKY THE FINN O’TOOLE I got 15,000 dollars in petty cash from the store in the trunk of my Beamer. One putt, fifty feet. Closest to the hole. You win, you got fifteen grand. I win, you go home. Back to Vegas. Back to your putt-putt.Puddy and Melvin hold in their tracks. Get’s quiet. PUDDY (hushed whisper) I can’t take this guy’s crap the whole time. I’d like to shut him and Barbara up. MELVIN There’s nothing more I’d like to see than you handing it to him but we have to think of the tournament. 5 million dollar purse. If we’re out here, we’re out forever! PUDDY We can’t stay in places last night and think we can win. 15,000 grand.Puddy turns. PUDDY (CONT’D) You’re on Finn.EXT. A PUTTING GREEN - DAYA growing crowd surrounds the green. Mac and Micky step up tothe hole. Both men carry their putters.Melvin holds out a 25 cent piece. PUDDY Call it. MICKY THE FINN O’TOOLE Tails.Melvin flips. PUDDY Tails it is. You’re up, Mick.Both Men walk fifty feet away from the pin. Puddy and Barbarashare unpleasant looks.
45.Micky steps up and addresses the ball. MICKY THE FINN O’TOOLE Shouldn’t have taken the bet, Mac. This could be the last stroke of your career. PUDDY Or a short stroke of genius.Micky draws back his club. He looks to the gallery. Heskillfully strokes the ball perfectly. Perfect trajectory. MICKY THE FINN O’TOOLE There it is...All eyes of the crowd follow the ball towards the pin. Itrolls and rolls with a delicate grace and just does slide up5 inches away from the hole and stops. MELVIN That’s it... We’re done.The gallery bursts out in applause. MICKY THE FINN O’TOOLE Well, Puddy you got through the lounge at least.Melvin is crestfallen. He shakes his head in defeat. MELVIN You had to take the bet. YOU HAD TO TAKE THE BET!Puddy drops his ball, looks around and takes in the growinggallery including Barbara.Stonehouse looks on from the Clubhouse. STONEHOUSE What’s McKenzie up to now?Puddy steps forward, addresses the ball. He eyes the pin withfierce concentration. (That’s a long shot) PUDDY (whisper prayer) Mother, give me the power to dominate.He brings his club back with precision and strokes throughthe ball like a pro.
46.The eyes of those in the Gallery follow every inch of theball.The ball roles with a keen sense of direction. The pin-flagis lifted, the ball approaches and begins to slow, may nothave enough to beat The Finn. MICKY THE FINN O’TOOLE Not enough heh, Pud?But then the ball gradually passes Micky’s ball and comes toa rest on the lip of the hole, finally, eventually droppingin the cup.The Gallery erupts! PUDDY Thank you Mother of Mercy.Melvin reaches for his heart. Bends at the knees in relief. MICKY “THE FIN” O’TOOLE Hell of a shot, Mac.Puddy visibly shaken, gathers his composure and turns. PUDDY Guess that’s why we play the game huh, Mick?EXT. MICKY THE FINN’S BMW - DAYSmiling all the way, Micky opens up his trunk and digs intohis golf bag. MICKY THE FINN O’TOOLE Maybe all that miniature golf stuff has helped your short game? PUDDY You never know. MICKY THE FINN O’TOOLE Should be fun on the big-wide- opens. Nothing like the feel of a long, straight shot down the fairway.The Finn produces a wad of money and tosses it to Puddy. MICKY THE FINN O’TOOLE (CONT’D) It’s all there. 15,000 grand.
47.He turns and gets into his BMW. Puddy walks to the car andgets in. PUDDY Hey, Mick? MICKY THE FIN O’TOOLE Yeah? PUDDY She kick you yet? MICKY THE FIN O’TOOLE Kick me? PUDDY In bed. At night. Restless leg syndrome. Generally before tournaments it triggers. She’ll kick ya’. MICKY THE FIN O’TOOLE Huh? PUDDY Don’t let her kick ya’...Melvin sits and waits exposed in the burned out sedan. Puddysigns off and approaches Melvin’s car. He gets in.INT. MELVIN’S CAR - DAYPuddy gets behind the wheel. PUDDY Guy’s raising my kid and he’s got the long game. Let that grind in his head a little bit.INT. COURT ROOM - DAYPuddy and Melvin sit among the others whose case is beingheard. Beside them both is a court appointed ATTORNEY who isjust out of college. PUDDY Have a case before?On the bench, the HONORABLE JUDGE MARIE KEYS (40). She’sbeautiful, authoritative and means business. PUDDY (CONT’D) Judge, Judy-licious.
48.To his right but out of view is a box where FIVE YOUNGJUVENILE BOYS await their fate. They wear prison jumpsuitsand are shackled. On a closer look, we see two of the boysfrom Las Vegas i.e., Tyrone-Tyrone and Pablo. (The boysharassing Puddy) BAILIFF Next case. Mr. Victor Scott!VICTOR SCOTT (87) helped by the use of a walker stands. Theold man bends and drools.The young Attorney stands by him. BAILIFF (CONT’D) The People versus Mr. Victor Scott. Lewd and lascivious conduct in a public place. JUDGE MARIE How do you plead? ATTORNEY Mr. Scott pleads, “no contest Your Honor.”AN OLD WOMAN (90’s) in the gallery seems to be enjoyingwhat’s unfolding. VICTOR SCOTT It was her, Your Honor!Victor points to the Woman in the gallery with a traditional“witness point!” VICTOR SCOTT (CONTD) I was just walking my dog. Mrs. Cunningham felt compelled to flash me first near the toilets. JUDGE MARIE Sir! Order!From the rear of the courtroom Mialani enters. She sits andthrows her eyes to one of the boys in the juvenile gallery.She wears a POLICE OFFICER’S UNIFORM, hair pulled back,appears stern, sexy and down to business.Her son, BROCK (13) sits in the juvenile gallery. He’s sweetbut a tough looking kid. Mother and son exchange glances.Brock’s eyes drop in shame.
49. JUDGE MARIE (CONT’D) Thirty days in county. PUDDY That’s a life sentence. JUDGE MARIE NEXT!Victor is strong-armed out kicking and screaming. He lifts uphis shirt and flashes Mrs. Cunningham his man-bra tan. VICTOR SCOTT Take that Mrs. Cunningham!Victor’s screams are muted by a the closing of the doorbehind him. JUDGE MARIE Bailiff? Who’s next?Puddy grows worried. PUDDY Hey Counselor, you sure you can handle this Judge?He sees the boys from Vegas. PUDDY (CONT’D) What are those two guys from Vegas doing here?The Bailiff reads the charges. BAILIFF The People versus MacKenzie Fitzgerald McFadden. Case number 10- G-230 penal code 45A-F12, creating a disturbance in a public place, assault and battery. PUDDY Assault and battery? I stepped on a girl’s microphone. I fell on a stage, Mombo slugged me! I was the one pelted with umbrella drinks!The Bailiff moves the TV in position. Puddy and Melvin get alittle nervous. MELVIN You do a sex-tape?
50. PUDDY Not one that’s out. MELVIN That’s comforting. JUDGE MARIE Prosecutors found another little piece of information on you Mr. McFadden. Bars are not the only things you like to tear up!The Bailiff turns on the video.(FLASHBACK: REPLAY OF SECOND EVENT ON VIDEO TAPE)The tape then shows ESPN footage of Puddy on a greensurrounded by a gallery of onlookers.Melvin sighs relief. PUDDY Where’d they get that? That’s the President’s Cup Tournament. ATTORNEY Your Honor any other tape that may be played does not pertain to this case and I must object! JUDGE MARIE Overruled.Prosecutor sits self-satisfied.EXT. PRESIDENT’S CUP - DAYThe Video. Puddy, in a high-profile tournament, misses acrucial putt.The cool exterior is quickly lost and he begins by throwinghis club towards the gallery.Folks tear for the hills, dive in the lake, run for thewoods. PUDDY Ahhhrrrrggggg!!!!Puddy, then takes the Caddy’s bag and sprays the clubs allover the green. He rips out the hole-flag and throws itwildly.
51. PUDDY (CONT’D) Frickin’ putt!!!The Gallery runs for their lives. Puddy tears off his shirtlike Tarzan! PUDDY (CONT’D) You want a piece of me? You want a piece? Two million Dollars!!! One stupid putt? Arrrrhhggg!!!!!Puddy’s body contorts in a ridiculous agony. Babies dive fromtheir strollers, the Elderly scramble like goats up the berm.The Bailiff turns off the TV.(END OF FLASHBACK REPLAY)The court grows quiet. The Boys in the gallery laugh andsnicker. JUDGE MARIE Order. Order!Puddy sheepishly smiles at the judge. It quickly goes away. PUDDY She had to get that video.Mialani grows curious. JUDGE MARIE You appear to have a bit of a “rage” problem Mr. McFadden. PUDDY Your Honor... JUDGE MARIE You see those boys over there, Mr. McFadden? PUDDY Yes, Mam... JUDGE MARIE Most of them think it’s somehow pretty cool to follow in the kind of shoes you wear. Sports figures who think they’re above the law who act like “asses!”
52. PUDDYBut I’m not an ass, I tripped! JUDGE MARIETemper-tantrums, causing problemsin public, trespassing. Respect andborders seems to be an issue foryou just like it is for these youngboys. PUDDYI know two of those kids. They’refrom Vegas! What do they have to dowith me? JUDGE MARIEThey were picked up for associationwith gang activity here. PUDDYNow that I agree with. JUDGE MARIETrouble just seems to follow youwherever you go doesn’t it? So hereis what it’s going to be. You arehereby sentenced Sir to 50 hours ofcommunity service. PUDDY (stands)What?! JUDGE MARIEYou will work in the County MentorProgram, Mr. McFadden. Teachingthese kids the finer aspects ofgolf and maybe even a few of thefiner aspects of what it is to be amature human-being functioning incivilized society. PUDDYI don’t have any time for that! Ihave a professional golf tournamentto prepare for! JUDGE MARIEOh, but you do now. I’ve just givenit to you. Or, you can go to jailright now Mr. McFadden. What’s itgoing to be?
53.EXT. A VACANT HAUNTED ABANDONED FRATERNITY HOUSE - DAYMelvin’s car and a second pulls in the driveway. Puddy getsout and looks around. He cringes. PUDDY You’ve got to be kidding me.INT. EMPTY FRATERNITY HOUSE - DAYThe big wide front doors open. Leading the way is talkativeDORIS (40’S) a property management agent. Melvin and Puddyfollow cautiously. DORIS Right this way.The entryway is oversized and Gothic. A dark distressedstairwell leads to the basement below. Odd sounds come fromit i.e., water dripping, creaks, hull of a ship type stuff.Doris leads the way. PUDDY Jeffrey Dahmer’s? MELVIN It’s the summer. No one’s around. We need this place like yesterday. DORIS Comes with a “Cook.” The mortgage holders said she could stay until the property sells. She sleeps downstairs.Puddy goes over to the stairs again. PUDDY Hello? (echo) Hello... Jeffrey? You down there? What’s her name? DORIS Mrs. Kruger. PUDDY (beat) I hate you, Melvin.EXT. LAKEFOREST MUNICIPAL DRIVING RANGE - DAYA Driving Range Ball-Scooper moves from left to right acrossthe driving range open field.
54.Old and retired driver, JIMMY (80’S) wears a protectivehelmet and a mouth guard.Pow! Pow! Pow! Jimmy slows and gets out of his Range Scooper.He removes his mouth piece and his dentures slide. JIMMY (lisping) Hey, MAC!? What are you doing? I’m retired out here! You’re killing me! Can’t you hit a straight ball? PUDDY Sorry... Jimmy...EXT. RANGE TEES - DAYPuddy slouches defeated. An OLD COUPLE next to him, takestheir basket of balls and moves away from Puddy. OLD WOMAN You’re going to kill somebody you jackass!The Puddy - stands facing his Nemesis - the long ball. Aloneas ever Puddy stares at his club for answers. PUDDY Where’d you go buddy?Glenn Miller’s “Moonlight Serenade.”INT. EAST HAVEN COUNTRY CLUB - NIGHTA TWENTY PIECE FORTIES BIG BAND plays the soft and soothingGlen Miller piece.In front of the band stands the ravishing and beautifulMialani - Annie Brewsinski. Her gown is stunning, her hairmeticulously set for the forties.A flowering white orchid adorns her ear. MIALANI (sings) “I stand at your gate and the song that I sing is moonlight...”EXT. VALET - NIGHTMelvin and Puddy pull in with their half-burnt sedan andscreech to a halt. Melvin’s remaining hubcap pops off histire and rolls aimlessly past the awaiting limos.
55.A beautiful WOMAN (30’S) with her handsome escort strolltowards the inside. BEAUTIFUL WOMAN (smiles) Got it going on huh, guys?INT. COUNTRY CLUB - NIGHTPuddy and Melvin enter. Their breath is taken away by whatthey see i.e. decorations, enlarged posters of all theGolfers, tables and tables of success before them. MELVIN This is serious. PUDDY Real serious. Hey, there’s my poster next to the Finn’s. Like Rocky and Apollo’s. How about that? MELVIN Yeah... How about that?Puddy’s eyes go directly to Mialani. PUDDY Check out Miss “Huki La.” Moonlights as a torch singer. A double-moonlighter. MELVIN Stay away from her. I’m gonna’ look around. I’ll meet you at the table. PUDDY Don’t embarrass me...Melvin goes left. Puddy steps forward. Puddy catches the eyeof Mialani. PUDDY (CONT’D) (love-struck) The only thing missing is the magic of fireflies....EXT. VERANDA - NIGHTMelvin secures his privacy. He looks around. He makes a callon his cell.TWO THUGS approach from behind dressed in upscale suits.
56. THUG # 1 Hello, Melvin.Melvin slowly turns. Clicks his phone shut. MELVIN Hello, fellas. I was just trying to reach you. THUG # 2 Bet you were. Why don’t we take a little walk.INT. EAST HAVEN COUNTRY CLUB - NIGHTSitting at the main table is Stonehouse, Micky, his wifeBarbara and the rest of the Advertisers i.e., Mr. Stevens,Burt Long and Henry Cole.Micky finishes up his old tired joke, Barbara grows lessamused. MICKY THE FINN O’TOOLE So she says and get this, “I got stung between the first and second hole. He says, wait, ready? “you must have had an awfully “wide stance!”The table roars with laughter but for Barbara. MR. STEVENS A wide stance!!! My God... the bee sting in the middle! OUCH!!Over the laughter, Stonehouse gestures to Mialani on thebandstand to join them.Mialani steps down, crosses the room and approaches thetable. Paraded by Stonehouse. STONEHOUSE Gentlemen. Look what’s coming our way.Puddy looks on from a hidden vantage point.Mialani gets near the head table. Stonehouse stands and fawnsover Mialani as his “prized employee.”
57. STONEHOUSE (CONT’D) (all smiles) Gentlemen, this is East Haven’s own country club jewel, may I present, Mialani.Stonehouse pulls out a chair. Mialani sits. MIALANI Thank you.Stonehouse snaps his fingers. A WAITER immediately brings atray of champaign glasses.The Men fawn over her. Stonehouse plays the perfect host. STONEHOUSE Mialani, this is Mr. Stevens.. Head of the campaign and his associates Mr. Burt Long and Mr. Henry Cole. MIALANI Nice meeting you gentlemen. It’s an honor to have your tournament here at East Haven.Puddy steps closer to a second vantage point to look on andlisten. PRO GOLFER DAVE MICHAELS (50’S) who sits at theadjoining table sees Puddy standing nearby. DAVE MICHAELS Mac! Mac McFadden? Is that you hiding behind that banister?Puddy, cover blown steps out and approaches Dave’s table. PUDDY Dave! Hey! No... Just working my way down... Dave... Beth, you look amazing! (kisses her cheek)He is now clearly visible to those at Stonehouse’s table.Micky the Finn now alert, keeps a watchful eye. MICKY THE FINN OTOOLE There’s your X.. Fashionably late as usual.Puddy then catches the eye of the Advertising Exec’s atStonehouse’s table. HENRY Hey, there’s Mac McFadden!
58.Whispers of Puddy’s presence spread like wildfire in theroom. BURT There he is... Let’s get him over to our table before he sits down! MR. STEVENS Mac? Mac McFadden? Over here!Stonehouse stiffens but cool. PUDDY Excuse me, Dave, Beth. I’m being summoned. See you out there on the greens, Dave. Good luck. DAVE MICHAELS You too. Good luck out there, Mac!Puddy turns away from Dave and wife Beth. Stonehouse steps upto lead the exchanges and more to control the scene. STONEHOUSE Mr. McFadden. Our generous sponsors have been waiting to meet you all night. PUDDY Mr. Stonehouse. It’s a pleasure, sir. BURT (eager - outgoing) I’ve dreamed of someday sitting with you, Mr. McFadden. You’re the comeback kid!Micky can just roll his eyes. PUDDY Call me “Mac” please. Everybody... BURT Mac... The way you came back to beat the field at Pebble in 92? Nothing short of stunning. HENRY And the European Championship in 95.Micky the Finn, forgotten for the moment, burns at the tablebut remains polite enough.
59. MICKY THE FIN O’TOOLE What memories.EXT. GRASSY KNOLL - NIGHTThug # 1 and # 2 take it to Melvin pretty good. He tumblesdown a patch of grass near the lake. Thug # 2 punches him inthe stomach - Melvin doubles over. THUG # 1 Mr. Giancomo don’t like people being late. He doesn’t like his cliental hiding from him either. MELVIN Arrrggh.... Look, here’s 10,000. I’ll get all of it soon enough.INT. EAST HAVEN COUNTRY CLUB - NIGHTPuddy keeps his charm and cool, sits among the invitedguests, Micky and ex-wife Barbara. He refers to Mialani -Brewsinski. PUDDY (charming) Have we met, or seen each other before? You look very familiar. MIALANI (covers) Well, I don’t think so. But maybe I’ve seen you here at the course maybe? PUDDY (playing) No, haven’t been here in a while. I just can’t place it, wait? No... that’s not it...Each keep the watchful eye on the other. STONEHOUSE (grows nervous) Let me get you some champagne.The table is tense to say the least. Puddy glances atBarbara. PUDDY And you? You must be Mrs. O’Toole?
60. BARBARA And you the “one-and-only” Mac McFadden? Your legend precedes you. PUDDY Hello, Mick. MICKY THE FINN OTOOLE The “Great Mighty Puddy.” In the flesh as an honored guest back at East Haven. Full circle my friend. MR. STEVENS The Great Mighty Puddy? PUDDY A nickname given to me by Mr. O’Toole here. We’ve been competing over almost everything through the years. MICKY THE FINN OTOOLE (smiles) His unique talents are legendary. His great comebacks. His four, hole- in-ones. He’s even known to be the direct heir to Golf itself. PUDDY Just an old legend really.Micky leans forward. MICKY THE FINN OTOOLE Then, there’s the missing years...Stonehouse frowns politely. Micky keeps his cool. Mialanisees her exit and takes it. MIALANI The band is gesturing. Probably the time for me to get back. Gentlemen.She gets up and the others follow suit. All stand. Puddyextends his hand. PUDDY (quietly) Miss Powilamuka-Brewsinski.Mialani stiffens but covers. Puddy smiles.
61. MIALANI (smiles) Good luck in the tournament, I’m sure I will see you again Mr. McFadden.Mialani steps away from the table. All eyes follow. Puddy’s alittle smitten. PUDDY Well, I should find my own table and take that as my cue as well. MR. LONG Very good. PUDDY Looking forward to a great tournament. We’ll see you on the greens gentlemen. Barbara.Puddy turns and goes. MR. STEVENS He’s a dashing man isn’t he?O’Toole chokes, reaches for a glass of water.INT. BANQUET BATHROOM - NIGHTPuddy enters the bathroom. There are five stalls. A Man’sfeet are seen in the second stall. He appears sitting.Puddy’s eyes take a glance in the mirror. Melvin steps out.His handkerchief is covered with blood. Puddy turns. PUDDY (but suspicious) What happened to you? MELVIN Accident. I bent down and hit my nose. PUDDY Accident? Let me see that.Puddy inspects then realizes the worst. PUDDY (CONT’D) You bent down your head into a knife-blade?Puddy pushes Melvin back. Melvin moves to the sink.
62. PUDDY (CONTD) Ah, huh.. You setting me up, Melvin! MELVIN (defeated) I’m sorry. It’s not what you think. PUDDY It’s exactly what I think! How much you owe this time? They found you here tonight? At East Haven? That’s fantastic!! MELVIN I’m sorry, Mac. But I gave ‘em the rest of the money. PUDDY You what? MELVIN They were going to break up my face open pretty good out there. I gave’em ten grand. What was basically left.Melvin falls silent and nods his head. Puddy reaches for hisown handkerchief and covers Melvin’s nose. PUDDY Idiot.. Here... Blow! Blow! Get this blood off your face. If Stonehouse sees this it’s over!Melvin gets cleaned up. PUDDY (CONT’D) (frustrated) Now we can’t even eat. Comb your hair. Hurry up. Let’s get out of here.EXT. THE FRONT OF THE FRATERNITY - NIGHTMelvin’s car pulls up. Both get out. The night grows stormy. PUDDY 125,000 grand?! MELVIN I mortgaged my mother’s house for her medical bills. (MORE)
63. MELVIN (CONTD) Credit got tight. She was going to lose it. Hips are expensive. Who knew!? PUDDY Yeah and now we’re in bed with these Cheese-dicks! MELVIN Yeah, sorry Mac. PUDDY First the cockroach hotel with Speck the X-factor wonder midget, then reservations at the Shining here, then you bring your dirty laundry to East Haven! You’re a piece of work you know that? MELVIN You still did hit that putt today. That was really something. PUDDY (softens a bit) Shut up... Don’t try and soften me, Melvin.Lightening strikes overhead. The large house grows ominous.INT. INSIDE THE FRATERNITY - NIGHTThe creaky door pushes wide open. Black and empty. The Boysstep in. Odd sounds bellow from the stairwell below. PUDDY Is that why you picked this place? To find the hole you could hide in? MELVIN Something like that.A fog climbs up the stairs like a spider and dissipatesaround our Hero’s feet. PUDDY Great...Melvin turns left Puddy grabs him.