Lab Safety

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Lab Safety

  1. 1. Lab Safety Manual Ed. Note: Are you sure this is the right meaning of “lab”?
  2. 2. Introduction <ul><li>Definition of a Laboratory : Seriously? If you don’t know what a laboratory is, this presentation is going to be just a touch over your head </li></ul><ul><li>Expectations: Employees are expected to observe all applicable practices. We figure that so long as you look at them, you should be fine </li></ul>
  3. 3. Emergency Planning <ul><li>Yeah, we sure could use some of that. Maybe we should, like, jot down a phone number or something…hm. How about you just take a grease pencil, and write “911” on anything that looks dangerous? </li></ul>
  4. 4. Emergency Planning, Cont. <ul><li>Make a sign listing all Special Hazards that may be encountered in the laboratory (e.g. laser in use, cylinders, biohazardous material, radioactive material, your mom, etc.) This sign serves no purpose, but man, won’t it make you feel cool when you walk into the lab each morning? “Beware Lasers. Aw yeah.” </li></ul>
  5. 5. Emergency Planning, Cont. <ul><li>What to do about Intruders: Look, if that sign you made earlier was accurate, then you have access to lasers, biohazardous materials and, well, cylinders I guess. Now I’m not telling you to do anything illegal, but use your imagination, and that little intruder issue should clean itself up nicely. </li></ul>
  6. 6. Emergency Planning, Cont. <ul><li>Emergency Action Plan : </li></ul><ul><li>Run you idiot, run! </li></ul>
  7. 7. Safety Equipment <ul><li>See: Emergency Planning. But seriously, this section would be a lot longer if the “safety equipment” wasn’t purchased from a middle school science lab during the Carter administration. Whelp, let’s see what we got </li></ul>
  8. 8. Safety Equipment, Cont. <ul><li>Biosafety Cabinets : Spell check doesn’t think “biosafety” is really a word, so let’s just skip it </li></ul><ul><li>Safety Shield: We can shield if we want to! We can leave our friends behind! </li></ul><ul><li>Eyewash Fountain : Ha ha ha! No. But I bet you do have a drinking fountain, or maybe a water cooler or something, and that’s pretty close </li></ul>
  9. 9. Safety Equipment, Cont. <ul><li>Flammable Safety Cans: I’m going to avoid the obvious ass joke here to pause and say, wouldn’t you want your safety cans to be anything but flammable? I mean, that just sounds like it’s asking for trouble </li></ul><ul><li>Laboratory Hoods: All laboratory hoods have been removed for not being in accordance with Scripture. </li></ul>
  10. 10. Safety Equipment, Cont. <ul><li>Personal Safety Equipment: Did you know that today is “Bring your own safety goggles to work day!”, just like every other day? Also, you might want to consider wearing, like, mittens or something. Also, although the wearing of shorts or skirts is strongly discouraged, Kilts are permitted under EOE guidelines. </li></ul>
  11. 11. Training <ul><li>We had a budget for that once, really, we did. But then there was that little snafu about switched evidence labels I’m sure you’ve all heard about, and the resulting lawsuits have meant that our training budget really took a hit. Let’s pretend that this presentation is your training, and please use the enclosed Magic 8 Ball if you have further questions. </li></ul>
  12. 12. Safety Practices for Specific Hazards <ul><li>Liquefied Gasses: Look, I may have only gotten a C- in Remedial Chem, but even I know that something can’t be both a liquid and a gas. That’s just crazy talk, and since it doesn’t exist, there’s no hazard. Moving on. </li></ul><ul><li>Corrosives: Assuming you aren’t currently dissolving a former intruder, it is considered acceptable to throw random office supplies in there to “see what would happen” </li></ul>
  13. 13. Safety Practices for Specific Hazards, Cont. <ul><li>Lasers: Aww, yeah. I guess I should say something about how only trained personnel should operate the laser, but if that’s the case, then how would you ever learn? I say, have at it. </li></ul><ul><li>Please note, it has come to management’s attention that someone has been using the laser to heat quarters to ridiculously high temperatures, and then leaving said quarters on the ground for someone to find, and subsequently scorch the bejesus out of themselves on. Management finds this hilarious. </li></ul>
  14. 14. Safety Practices for Specific Hazards, Cont. <ul><li>Mercury: As fun to play with as it is to eat! </li></ul><ul><li>Explosives: I wouldn’t trust you yahoos with a plastic salad fork, you sure as hell aren’t getting your hands on any explosives. Not anymore. </li></ul>
  15. 15. Physical Hazards <ul><li>Sweet Christmas, there are physical hazards too? Like, on top of all the other crap I just mentioned? It’s a miracle you guys make it through the day in one piece. </li></ul><ul><li>Don’t trip near the acid vat </li></ul><ul><li>Avoid tasting most chemicals </li></ul><ul><li>Only release trained bats into the lab space </li></ul>
  16. 16. Metaphysical Hazards <ul><li>Management would like to remind you that Lab-Tech Hell is a real place where you will be sent at the first sign of defiance. </li></ul>
  17. 17. Management of Unwanted Lab Materials <ul><li>Look, remember that little talk we had about the training budget? Yeah. Let’s just say the same goes for disposal. </li></ul><ul><li>I’m sure one of you knows of a quarry, and someone else has a shovel and a car. Just put one and one together, and there you go, problems solved. </li></ul>
  18. 18. Conclusion <ul><li>Follow this manual to the letter, and it’ll definitely free up the hiring budget some. </li></ul><ul><li>But seriously, given the complete and utter lack of any kind of safety standards in the building, you guys are just one slipup away from a “Captain Trips / The Stand” type situation. So, in conclusion, best of luck! </li></ul>

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