This document contains a collection of humorous tweets from various Twitter users from 2014-2016. Some of the tweets poke fun at popular culture, news events, and everyday annoyances through witty wordplay and double meanings.

1. 48 WWW.FACEBOOK.COM/ZOOMAGAZINE 49WWW.FACEBOOK.COM/ZOOMAGAZINE
A collection of the most hilarious Twitter
ramblings from this year…
8Tim Vine @RealTimVine Aug 8
I’m in Wagamama. Everybody loves Ramen
4OhNoSheTwitnt @OhNoSheTwitnt Sep 1
Just tried to retweet my own tweet and now I know what it feels like
to be Kanye
11Seth MacFarlane @SethMacFarlane Oct 8
Please don’t show me a photo by handing me your phone. I know at
some point you’ve used it right after touching your balls
12Wenger Knows Best
@wengerknowsbest
Oct 27
We played Sheffield
Wednesday, on a Tuesday. They
played well, yes, but overall
I believe we accidentally
played them one day too early
15Rhys James @Rhysjamesy Jun 29
If video games encourage kids to be violent, then Time
Team encourages kids to go grave robbing
3Jon Richardson @RonJichardson May 29
Ordered a porcini dish for lunch. Manager took my money then
denied all knowledge. Last time I order the Cep Platter#ohyesidid
#fifafofum
13Rob Brydon @RobBrydon Oct 29
Bond’s ability to pack an extensive wardrobe using only
hand luggage is enviable
20Milton Jones
@themiltonjones Sep 22
Squashed on the Tube. So this is
being a Pringle
21Darth Vader @DepressedDarth Jun 3
Because you’re worth it
19Jimmy Carr
@jimmycarr May 31
Sepp Blatter’s staying.I wouldn’t be surprised ifthe next World Cup washeld in Islamic State (andI bet we’re in the groupof death)
22James Blunt @JamesBlunt Jan 16
Unless I find your bum. RT @zomboy666: I’ve got f**king
James Blunt in my head. I suppose at least that means my day
can’t get any worse
16Rob Delaney @robdelaney Aug 19
My decision to take my wife on an emergency two-week
no-Wi-Fi holiday in the Gobi Desert has nothing to do with the
Ashley Madison hack
24Accidental Partridge
@AccidentalP Mar 2
#AccidentalPartridge
(Via @martysaleh)
6James Martin @Pundamentalism Jun 15
Jurassic World takes $511 million in the opening weekend– the biggest
payday for dinosaurs since the 2018 & 2022 FIFA World Cup bids
7John Cross @johncrossmirror Oct 3
At least England’s rugby team won a World Cup match…
9Summer Ray @SummerRay Jan 12
The most impressive thing about Arsenal is how it’s very nearly two
bum words in one name
2Ed Byrne @MrEdByrne Jul 3
I hope that’s just lightning outside, not the terminator arriving
because none of my clothes will fit him
5Boothby Graffoe @boobygraffoe Oct 6
Theresa May too large to fit in studio so she has to stand outside
and be interviewed through the window
17Ickle Reviews @ickletweets Aug 1
#Telly: BBC News uses new iPad hand as sports reporter
bizarrely pretends to use a tablet…
10Anne-Marie Tomchak @AMTomchak May 7
Ha! #GE2015
14Deluded Brendan @DeludedBrendan Jul 21
Raheem Sterling has blocked me. That’s disappointing
23Andrew Paterson @AndrewPaterson_ Feb 27
Very happy to announce that I’ve renewed my contract
with Asda and will continue working weekends for the near future
18Jack Whitehall
@jackwhitehall
Sep 20
“Come on guys, we’ve
all been drunk and
popped our todger in
a pig’s mouth.”
*Everyone turns and
stares.*
(Long silence.)
“I’ll get my coat”
1Tom Carter @Pointless_Alias Oct 6
I couldn’t believe what I saw on @C4Countdown today, it was just
bang out of order
COMPILEDBY:JoeBarnesandGeorgeMartin

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32CheekySport @CheekySport Oct 13
Guess who didn’t qualify for
#Euro2016 #Holland
30Larry the Cat @Number10cat Aug 6
BREAKING: The Government has sent in its top
negotiator to end the #tubestrike
33Faces in Things @FacesPics Jun 6
Hi! Working on yer bike, are ya?
38First World Pains @FirstWorldPains Jun 7
When you finally see that big-ass mosquito
39Frankie Boyle @frankieboyle Apr 7
The only way to engage the British public with this election
would be to put your policies in the PornHub sidebar
40Kevin Hart @KevinHart4real Oct 15
Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a
sh*t when you’re a mile-and-a-half away from your bathroom. I
almost sh*tted in a bush
27Christian Ridley
@chrees_ridley Oct 13
My new thesaurus is terrible.
Not only that, but it’s also
terrible
34Mrs Ronnie Pickering
@PickeringMrs Sep 28
Ronnie went to a job interview yesterday.
When they asked his name he punched the
bloke. Still waiting to hear if he’s got it
37Jeremy Clarkson @JeremyClarkson Feb 25
Wanted: new presenter for Top Gear. Applicant should be old,
badly dressed and pedantic but capable of getting to work on time
46Donald J. Trump
@realDonaldTrump Mar 21
It’s snowing and freezing in NYC.
What the hell ever happened to
global warming?
45David Schneider @davidschneider Aug 24
“Foursome to split and go their separate ways from March.”
#inevitable
Oh, you mean One Direction
44Maurie Sherman @DamnitMaurie
Sep 28
Exclusive first photo of water on #Mars
#MarsAnnouncement @KiSS925
42Conan O’Brien @ConanOBrien Oct 23
Sorry, Jeb Bush, talking about your favourite Marvel
superheroes does not count as making yourself a “DC outsider”
47Sage Boggs @sageboggs
Apr 7
Thomas Edison: I have an idea.
(A f**ked up rough draft of the
lightbuld appears above his head)
43Funny Tweets @FunnyThingsUK Aug 2
Every time Cech makes a save for Arsenal #CommunityShield
41Mikey Smith @mikeysmith Sep 28
Pope revealed to be Dilophosaurus
26BBC Sporf @BBCSporf
May 16
FACT: Sadio Mane has scored more
league goals in three minutes
than Mario Balotelli has managed
in a whole season
25
49Cullen Crawford
@HelloCullen
Sep 1
My movie about horses
with attitudes: Straight
Outta Clomptown
35Patrick Smith @psmith Aug 6
This is apparently a real thing that
happened on the London Overground. Do
you know this man?
31Funny Humour @funnyhumour Feb 7
If I’m not mistaken, Tipp-Ex is pretty useless
50Elizabeth Windsor @Queen_UK Sep 15
Making a few spending cuts. Just traded the PM’s Jaguar in for
one of these. We’re all in it together after all
28Funny Joke @funnyjokebook Jul 4
Wi-Fi went down for five minutes,
so I had to talk to my family. They seem
like nice people
36Bad Dad Jokes @baddadjokes Nov 1
My son asked me to stop singing Oasis
songs in public.
I said maybe
#joke #dadjoke #dadjokes
29Č @Dxhty Mar 2
@LAGalaxy today’s my birthday!
Can I get a reply from my favourite USA
club?
LA Galaxy @LAGalaxy
Happy birthday
Č @Dxhty
.@LAGalaxy jokes you’re sh*t. Everton
would sh*t on you
LA Galaxy @LAGalaxy
@Dxhty hilarious
Č @Dxhty
.@LAGalaxy hope you get relegated
LA Galaxy @LAGalaxy
@Dxhty that’s literally impossible
Aug 6
48Russell Howard @russellhoward Apr 29
Probably sit in the bath and watch my
boobs float #AskRussell
Ella @EllaJadeDaly1
If you were a woman for a day, what would
you do? #AskRussell