When I joined a startup already in progress as their first ops hire, I got a crash course in cloud operations. Running databases in EC2 without being on bare metal presents its own challenges; we also began using Hadoop and HBase on EMR, with tragicomic results. What monitoring existed was a twisty maze of half-measures, so improving our Mean Time To Lost Sleep required trying new tools and alerting strategies. And scaling performance meant relying on best practices and gut-feeling hunches. This talk will have appeal for those curious about AWS, about using MapReduce in the cloud, and about whether MongoDB is really "web scale". (Spoiler alert: lolol.) Come for the EC2 trivia; stay for the table-flipping. Notes and image credits: http://bridgetkromhout.com/speaking/2014/beyondthecode/notes/