Download to read offline
The Wisdom of Dumb Jocks
- 1. The only problemwith The Wisdom progress is that it went on too long of Yogi Berra Yogi Berra Dumb Jocks Dumb Jocks Dumb Jocks We're going to turn this We're going to turn this Half of this game is 90 Half of this game is 90 team around 360 degrees. team around 360 degrees. percent mental. percent mental. Basketball player Jason Kidd, upon Basketball player Jason Kidd, upon Philadelphia Phillies manager Philadelphia Phillies manager his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks Danny Ozark Danny Ozark Dumb Jocks Dumb Jocks Dumb Jocks Dumb Jocks II called the doctor & he called the doctor & he We only have one We only have one told me the contraptions told me the contraptions person to blame & person to blame & were an hour apart were an hour apart that’s each other that’s each other Mackey Sasser, NY Mets catcher Mackey Sasser, NY Mets catcher NY Ranger Barry Beck NY Ranger Barry Beck on events leading up to the birth on events leading up to the birth of his first child of his first child Dumb Jocks Dumb Jocks Dumb Jocks Dumb Jocks Page 1
- 2. We are experiencing Weare experiencing Mike Andrews’ limits Mike Andrews’ limits audio technicalities audio technicalities are limitless are limitless Announcer Ralph Kiner Announcer Ralph Kiner Philadelphia Phillies manager Philadelphia Phillies manager Danny Ozark Danny Ozark Dumb Jocks Dumb Jocks Dumb Jocks Dumb Jocks II want to gain 1500 or want to gain 1500 or We made too many We made too many 2000 yards, which ever 2000 yards, which ever wrong mistakes. wrong mistakes. comes first. comes first. Yogi Berra Yogi Berra New Orleans running back New Orleans running back George Rogers George Rogers Dumb Jocks Dumb Jocks Dumb Jocks Dumb Jocks If there’s a pileup, If there’s a pileup, II must have had must have had they’ll have to give they’ll have to give ambrosia. ambrosia. some of the players some of the players artificial insemination. artificial insemination. Milwaukee Brewer Jim Gantner Milwaukee Brewer Jim Gantner on why he forgot to appear on on why he forgot to appear on a talk show a talk show TV announcer Curt Gowdy TV announcer Curt Gowdy during a game marked by heavy during a game marked by heavy rains that flooded the field rains that flooded the field Dumb Jocks Dumb Jocks Dumb Jocks Dumb Jocks Page 2
- 3. II want tothank all those want to thank all those You give a 100 percent You give a 100 percent who made this night who made this night is the first half of the is the first half of the necessary necessary game & if it isn’t game & if it isn’t enough, in the second enough, in the second Yogi Berra addressing the crowd Yogi Berra addressing the crowd half you give what’s left half you give what’s left at an event in his honor at an event in his honor Yogi Berra Yogi Berra Dumb Jocks Dumb Jocks Dumb Jocks Dumb Jocks Mickey Mantle’s a Mickey Mantle’s a If you can’t imitate him, If you can’t imitate him, switch hitter because switch hitter because don’t copy him don’t copy him he’s amphibious he’s amphibious Yogi Berra Yogi Berra Yogi Berra Yogi Berra Dumb Jocks Dumb Jocks Dumb Jocks Dumb Jocks II got a touch of got a touch of II wish II had an answer to wish had an answer to pantomime poisoning. pantomime poisoning. that because I’m getting that because I’m getting tired of answering that tired of answering that Yogi Berra explaining why he Yogi Berra explaining why he question. question. couldn’t play a game couldn’t play a game Yogi Berra Yogi Berra Dumb Jocks Dumb Jocks Dumb Jocks Dumb Jocks Page 3
- 4. The similarities The similarities This is the greatest This is the greatest between me & my between me & my country in America country in America father are different. father are different. Florida State coach Bill Peterson Florida State coach Bill Peterson Dale Berra, Yogi Berra’s son Dale Berra, Yogi Berra’s son Dumb Jocks Dumb Jocks Dumb Jocks Dumb Jocks Wrist wrestling is 90% Wrist wrestling is 90% I’m the football coach I’m the football coach strength & 40% strength & 40% around here & don’t around here & don’t technique. technique. you remember it. you remember it. John Walker, world wrist- John Walker, world wrist- Florida State coach Bill Peterson Florida State coach Bill Peterson wrestling champion wrestling champion Dumb Jocks Dumb Jocks Dumb Jocks Dumb Jocks I’ve never had major I’ve never had major It’s not a matter of life & It’s not a matter of life & knee surgery on any knee surgery on any death - it’s much more death - it’s much more other part of my body. other part of my body. important than that. important than that. Kentucky basketball player Kentucky basketball player Boxing promoter Lou Duva Boxing promoter Lou Duva Winston Bennett Winston Bennett Dumb Jocks Dumb Jocks Dumb Jocks Dumb Jocks Page 4
- 5. If II founda million If found a million I’d fight him for nothing I’d fight him for nothing dollars, I’d find the dollars, I’d find the if the price was right. if the price was right. fellow who lost it & if he fellow who lost it & if he was poor, I’d return it. was poor, I’d return it. Boxer Marlon Starling Boxer Marlon Starling Yogi Berra Yogi Berra Dumb Jocks Dumb Jocks Dumb Jocks Dumb Jocks Some quiet guys are Some quiet guys are That picture was taken That picture was taken inwardly outgoing. inwardly outgoing. out of context. out of context. Announcer Ralph Kiner Announcer Ralph Kiner New York pitcher Jeff Innis New York pitcher Jeff Innis commenting on a bad commenting on a bad picture taken of him picture taken of him Dumb Jocks Dumb Jocks Dumb Jocks Dumb Jocks Nobody goes there Nobody goes there II didn’t really say didn’t really say anymore, it’s too anymore, it’s too everything II said. everything said. crowded. crowded. Yogi Berra Yogi Berra Yogi Berra on why he didn’t Yogi Berra on why he didn’t want to go to dinner at a want to go to dinner at a particular restaurant particular restaurant Dumb Jocks Dumb Jocks Dumb Jocks Dumb Jocks Page 5
- 6. He can runany time He can run any time It isn’t like II came down It isn’t like came down he wants - I’m giving he wants - I’m giving from Mount Sinai with from Mount Sinai with him the red light. him the red light. the tabloids the tabloids Yogi Berra Yogi Berra Indianapolis Colts coach Ron Indianapolis Colts coach Ron Meyer Meyer Dumb Jocks Dumb Jocks Dumb Jocks Dumb Jocks My sister is expecting a My sister is expecting a Me and George and Billy Me and George and Billy baby & I’m not sure baby & I’m not sure are two of a kind. are two of a kind. whether I’m going to be whether I’m going to be an uncle or an aunt. an uncle or an aunt. Texas Ranger player Texas Ranger player Mickey Rivers Mickey Rivers Basketball player Chuck Nevitt Basketball player Chuck Nevitt Dumb Jocks Dumb Jocks Dumb Jocks Dumb Jocks Baseball is 90 percent Baseball is 90 percent Anyone who can’t hear Anyone who can’t hear mental. The other half mental. The other half the difference between the difference between is physical. is physical. a ball hitting wood and a ball hitting wood and a ball hitting concrete a ball hitting concrete Yogi Berra Yogi Berra must be blind. must be blind. Yogi Berra Yogi Berra Dumb Jocks Dumb Jocks Dumb Jocks Dumb Jocks Page 6
- 7. It was hardto have a It was hard to have a Last night II neglected to Last night neglected to conversation with conversation with mention something that mention something that anyone, there were so anyone, there were so bears repeating. bears repeating. many people talking. many people talking. Broadcaster Ron Fairly Broadcaster Ron Fairly Yogi Berra Yogi Berra Dumb Jocks Dumb Jocks Dumb Jocks Dumb Jocks If II wasn’t talking, II If wasn’t talking, If you come to a fork in If you come to a fork in wouldn’t know what wouldn’t know what the road, take it. the road, take it. to say. to say. Yogi Berra Yogi Berra New York Islander goalie New York Islander goalie Chico Resch Chico Resch Dumb Jocks Dumb Jocks Dumb Jocks Dumb Jocks You can observe a lot You can observe a lot Not only is Moorehead Not only is Moorehead by watching. by watching. ambidextrous, but he ambidextrous, but he can throw with either can throw with either Yogi Berra Yogi Berra hand hand Michigan football coach Duffy Michigan football coach Duffy Daugherty Daugherty Dumb Jocks Dumb Jocks Dumb Jocks Dumb Jocks Page 7
- 8. We all getheavier as we We all get heavier as we Line up alphabetically Line up alphabetically get older because there’s get older because there’s by height by height a lot more information in a lot more information in our heads. our heads. Baseball coach Casey Stengel Baseball coach Casey Stengel Basketball player Vlade Divac Basketball player Vlade Divac Dumb Jocks Dumb Jocks Dumb Jocks Dumb Jocks When we got behind in When we got behind in Our strength is that we Our strength is that we the twelfth inning II the twelfth inning don’t have any don’t have any wasn’t apprehensive wasn’t apprehensive weaknesses. Our weaknesses. Our ...but II was scared. ...but was scared. weakness is that we don’t weakness is that we don’t have any real strengths. have any real strengths. Yogi Berra Yogi Berra Arkansas football coach Frank Arkansas football coach Frank Broyles Broyles Dumb Jocks Dumb Jocks Dumb Jocks Dumb Jocks Ball handling & Ball handling & These people haven’t These people haven’t dribbling are my dribbling are my seen the last of my face. seen the last of my face. strongest weaknesses. strongest weaknesses. If II go down, I’m going If go down, I’m going down standing up. down standing up. Denver basketball star David Denver basketball star David Thompson Thompson Indiana Pacers basketball Indiana Pacers basketball player Chuck Person player Chuck Person Dumb Jocks Dumb Jocks Dumb Jocks Dumb Jocks Page 8
- 9. If the fansdon’t want If the fans don’t want Hey, they spelled Hey, they spelled to come out to the to come out to the my name wrong! my name wrong! park, how are you park, how are you Yogi Berra upon receiving a Yogi Berra upon receiving a going to stop them? going to stop them? check made out “To Bearer” check made out “To Bearer” Yogi Berra Yogi Berra Dumb Jocks Dumb Jocks Dumb Jocks Dumb Jocks II never set out to hurt never set out to hurt You wouldn’t have won You wouldn’t have won anybody deliberately anybody deliberately if we had beaten you. if we had beaten you. unless it was, you know, unless it was, you know, Yogi Berra Yogi Berra important - like a league important - like a league game or something. game or something. Dick Butkus, linebacker Dick Butkus, linebacker Dumb Jocks Dumb Jocks Dumb Jocks Dumb Jocks II don’t know & II don’t know & We’ll do all right if We’ll do all right if don’t care. don’t care. we capitalize on our we capitalize on our mistakes. mistakes. Utah Jazz forward Jeff Utah Jazz forward Jeff Wilkens when asked whether Wilkens when asked whether Texas Ranger’s player Texas Ranger’s player his bad play in a game was his bad play in a game was Mickey Rivers Mickey Rivers due to ignorance or apathy due to ignorance or apathy Dumb Jocks Dumb Jocks Dumb Jocks Dumb Jocks Page 9
- 10. Either give mewhat II Either give me what If there’s a 50% chance If there’s a 50% chance demand or I’ll take demand or I’ll take we’ll repeat as American we’ll repeat as American what you’re offering. what you’re offering. League champs, you League champs, you gotta remember that gotta remember that New York Yankee New York Yankee manager Joe Torre manager Joe Torre there’s also a 75% there’s also a 75% chance that we won’t. chance that we won’t. Yogi Berra Yogi Berra Dumb Jocks Dumb Jocks Dumb Jocks Dumb Jocks II found a delivery in found a delivery in Congratulations on Congratulations on my flaw. my flaw. breaking my record. II breaking my record. always thought the always thought the Kansas City relief pitcher Kansas City relief pitcher record would stand until Dan Quisenberry record would stand until Dan Quisenberry it was broken. it was broken. Yogi Berra in a telegram to Yogi Berra in a telegram to Johnny Bench after Bench Johnny Bench after Bench broke Berra’s home run record. broke Berra’s home run record. Dumb Jocks Dumb Jocks Dumb Jocks Dumb Jocks II wasn’t in a slump - wasn’t in a slump - II have nothing to say. have nothing to say. II just wasn’t getting just wasn’t getting And I’ll only say it once. And I’ll only say it once. any hits. any hits. Toronto Maple Leaf coach Toronto Maple Leaf coach Oakland A’s baseball player Floyd Smith Floyd Smith Oakland A’s baseball player Dave Henderson Dave Henderson Dumb Jocks Dumb Jocks Dumb Jocks Dumb Jocks Page 10
- 11. Sometimes they write Sometimes they write Strength is my biggest Strength is my biggest what II say & not what what say & not what weakness. weakness. II mean. mean. New Mexico basketball player New Mexico basketball player St. Louis Cardinal player Mark Snow Mark Snow St. Louis Cardinal player Pedro Guerrero Pedro Guerrero Dumb Jocks Dumb Jocks Dumb Jocks Dumb Jocks You couldn’t keep a You couldn’t keep a Tonight we’re honoring Tonight we’re honoring conversation going. conversation going. one of the all-time one of the all-time Everybody was Everybody was greats in baseball, Stan greats in baseball, Stan talking too much. talking too much. Musial. He’s immoral. Musial. He’s immoral. Yogi Berra Yogi Berra sportscaster Johnny Logan sportscaster Johnny Logan Dumb Jocks Dumb Jocks Dumb Jocks Dumb Jocks II went hunting in went hunting in There is one word in There is one word in Manitoba, one of those Manitoba, one of those America that says it all America that says it all Canadian proverbs. Canadian proverbs. - that one word is - that one word is “You never know.” “You never know.” Milwaukee Brewer baseball player Milwaukee Brewer baseball player Jim Gantner Jim Gantner Houston Astro pitcher Houston Astro pitcher Joaquin Andujar Joaquin Andujar Dumb Jocks Dumb Jocks Dumb Jocks Dumb Jocks Page 11
- 12. Chicago Cubs outfielder ChicagoCubs outfielder Nobody in football Nobody in football Andre Dawson on being Andre Dawson on being should be called a should be called a a role model: II want all a role model: want all genius. A genius is a genius. A genius is a the kids to do what II do, the kids to do what do, guy like Norman guy like Norman to look up to me. II want to look up to me. want Einstein. Einstein. all the kids to copulate all the kids to copulate me. me. Football commentator and Football commentator and former player Joe Theisman former player Joe Theisman Dumb Jocks Dumb Jocks Dumb Jocks Dumb Jocks Because she's too damn Because she's too damn I'm going to graduate on I'm going to graduate on ugly to kiss goodbye. ugly to kiss goodbye. time, no matter how time, no matter how Houston Oiler coach Houston Oiler coach long it takes. long it takes. Bum Phillips when Bum Phillips when asked by Bob Costas Senior basketball player at the Senior basketball player at the asked by Bob Costas University of Pittsburgh: University of Pittsburgh: why he takes his wife on why he takes his wife on all the road trips all the road trips Dumb Jocks Dumb Jocks Dumb Jocks Dumb Jocks You guys line up, You guys line up, Why would anyone Why would anyone alphabetically by height. alphabetically by height. expect him to come out expect him to come out And You guys pair up in And You guys pair up in smarter? He went to smarter? He went to groups of three, then groups of three, then PRISON for three years, PRISON for three years, line up in a circle. line up in a circle. not Princeton. not Princeton. Bill Peterson, a Florida State Bill Peterson, a Florida State Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Boxing promoter Dan Duva on football coach football coach Mike Tyson hooking up again Mike Tyson hooking up again with with Dumb Jocks Dumb Jocks Dumb Jocks Dumb Jocks Page 12
- 13. II can't reallyremember can't really remember I've won at every level, I've won at every level, the names of the clubs the names of the clubs except college and pro. except college and pro. that we went to. that we went to. Shaquille O'Neal, on his then Shaquille O'Neal, on his then Shaquille O'Neal on whether Shaquille O'Neal on whether lack of championships lack of championships he had visited the Parthenon he had visited the Parthenon during his visit to Greece during his visit to Greece Dumb Jocks Dumb Jocks Dumb Jocks Dumb Jocks He's a guy who gets up He's a guy who gets up We can't win at home. We We can't win at home. We at six o'clock in the at six o'clock in the can't win on the road. As can't win on the road. As morning regardless of morning regardless of general manager, II just general manager, just what time it is. can't figure out where else can't figure out where else what time it is. to play. to play. Lou Duva, veteran boxing Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan trainer, on the Spartan Pat Williams, Orlando Magic Pat Williams, Orlando Magic training regime of general manager, on his team's general manager, on his team's training regime of 7-27 record 7-27 record heavyweight Andrew Golota heavyweight Andrew Golota Dumb Jocks Dumb Jocks Dumb Jocks Dumb Jocks Steve Spurrier, Florida Steve Spurrier, Florida Jim Finks, New Orleans Jim Finks, New Orleans football coach, telling football coach, telling Saints G.M., when asked Saints G.M., when asked Gator fans that a fire at Gator fans that a fire at after a loss what he after a loss what he Auburn's football dorm Auburn's football dorm thought of the refs: I'm thought of the refs: I'm had destroyed 20 books: had destroyed 20 books: not allowed to comment not allowed to comment But the real tragedy was But the real tragedy was on lousy officiating on lousy officiating that 15 hadn't been that 15 hadn't been colored yet. colored yet. Dumb Jocks Dumb Jocks Dumb Jocks Dumb Jocks Page 13
- 14. Alan Kulwicki, stock AlanKulwicki, stock Torrin Polk, University Torrin Polk, University car racer, on racing car racer, on racing of Houston receiver, on of Houston receiver, on Saturday nights as Saturday nights as his coach, John his coach, John opposed to Sunday opposed to Sunday Jenkins: He treats us Jenkins: He treats us afternoons: It's afternoons: It's like men. He lets us like men. He lets us basically the same, basically the same, wear earrings. wear earrings. just darker just darker Dumb Jocks Dumb Jocks Dumb Jocks Dumb Jocks Shelby Metcalf, basketball Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a recounting what he told a player who received four player who received four F's and one D: Son, looks F's and one D: Son, looks to me like you're spending to me like you're spending too much time on one too much time on one subject subject Dumb Jocks Dumb Jocks Page 14