MARK DRAPEAU: "Successful Social Networking While Intoxicated"
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This document provides tips for successful social networking while intoxicated. It suggests lessons such as posing for photos at events, dressing loudly to get attention, only attending events where name tags are used, taking photos with celebrities and groups of women, and ensuring you are in large group photos by any means necessary. More advanced tips include hiring personal stalkers to document your activities while intoxicated to help with networking goals. The document warns to be careful if attempting to network in this manner.
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MARK DRAPEAU: "Successful Social Networking While Intoxicated"
- 1. Mark DRAPEAU Successful Social Networking While Intoxicated @cheeky_geeky
- 2. Self-help books assume you are sober. YOU AREN’T. REALITY Fantasy: sober, smart conversations
- 3. Try winning friends and influencing people like this, Dale Carnegie!! Don’t let being wasted stop you from achieving your goals.
- 4. Discrete 89-variable multiple regression analysis (p < 0.01).
- 5. Assumptions 1) Networking while intoxicated (NWI) with temporary memory loss 2) Photos of you will be taken at events and uploaded to public websites 3) Hidden clues exist about where you were and what you were doing
- 6. Lesson 1: Step and Repeat
- 7. Lesson 1: Step and Repeat (Advanced: Celebrities) a b
- 8. Lesson 2: Dress Loud and Proud
- 9. Lesson 2: Dress Loud and Proud (Advanced) Never back down from a good accessory Sunglasses at night! Scarves in the summer! Flamingos! (?)
- 10. Lesson 3: Nametag Events Only “Hi, my name is Mark!”
- 11. Lesson 3: Nametags (Advanced) Try to get your name projected on a wall, even if that means speaking about stuff.
- 12. Lesson 4: Celeb/Women Photos Photogs hound powerful people, and you can too!
- 13. Lesson 4: Celeb/Women Photos Photogs hound groups of women, and you can too!
- 14. Lesson 4: Celeb/Women Photos “The Trifecta”
- 15. Lesson 5: Large Group Photos T A G G E D
- 16. Lesson 5: Large Group Photos (Advanced: Nightclubs)
- 17. The Morning After Photo likely taken in U.S. Harvard? Nametags involved. loud and proud
- 18. The Morning After loud and proud Begins with a “C” No nametags, many women. Tentatively classify as charity event. Cancer ribbon?
- 19. The Morning After W Hotel, located somewhere rainy High level of difficulty. She dresses like she’s from Florida (?)
- 20. For the truly advanced: Staff up. If you truly want to take your NWI to the next level, hire personal stalkers.
- 21. Happy networking! (Please be careful with your new powers.) Cheers! @cheeky_geeky
Editor's Notes
- Everyone always says that business is about who you know, and so networking well is a great skill to have. However, you have been misled to believe that this occurs while you’re sober and thinking clearly. It doesn’t.
- I’m hear to tell you that you shouldn’t let being a lush stop you from achieving your professional goals. With a few small modifications, you can become excellent at social networking while intoxicated.
- I called on all my scientific training to conduct a complex statistical analysis of my Facebook photos to determine what it was that made me great at social networking while intoxicated. Here are some lessons that I learned from this study.
- Lesson one is to always do the step-and-repeat. For the uninitiated, this is when you pose for photos in front of a piece of cardboard with logos on it. First, these logos hold clues to your location. Second, you are at the most sober part of the evening.
- If you’re fortunate, you can take step-and-repeat photographs with celebrities, giving you a greater chance of deciphering where you were social networking. Here, exhibit A is the bachelor Andy Baldwin, and B is Mashable founder Pete Cashmore. Because they attend the choicest events, it’s easier to figure out where you were.
- If you dress loud and proud, people are more likely you take photos of you. Also, the morning after, you can more easily find yourself in photos. Note here my use of pink, purple, and red to stand out from ordinary backgrounds.
- There are advanced techniques for dressing loud that you should know about. From sunglasses to scarves, never pass up the opportunity to wear a standout accessory.
- Lesson three is to try to only attend events with nametags. This is a simple lesson, but one often forgotten. When there are no nametags, it’s hard to know who you’re with in photos. (It also makes it easier for people to know who you are if you can’t remember.)
- There are also “advanced nametags.” For example, you can have your name projected on a gigantic screen, even if you have to trade being on a panel discussion for the opportunity. Trust me, it’s worth it.
- Standing near powerful people is one of the keys to getting photo documentation of who you were social networking with while intoxicated. Follow powerful people around and time your conversations with photographers rounds of the room. Get that photo and then end the conversation politely.
- There’s nothing a photographer likes more than a beautiful woman. You might take a lesson from them. If you want to ensure that your intoxicated social networking is photo-documented, stand next to beautiful women, and then casually act surprised when people offer to take your photo. Works every time.
- This photo represents what I like to call “the trifecta” that is so rarely achieved at events – A powerful woman, her puppy, and her fans come along on your photo journey through an event while you are clearly intoxicated. A photo like this only comes along once a year, so you have to take advantage of the opportunity.
- If you don’t have a flashy outfit, step-and-repeat, nametags, or celebs around, you might think you’re out of luck. Wrong. Large group photos will be your saving grace, because someone in the photo is bound to tag you on Facebook!
- If you find yourself in a nightclub, don’t fret. If you work hard you can find a way to get a large group photo here too, and not worry about the lack of nametags or the fact that you’re six drinks in and hanging out with married people.
- The morning after you socially network while intoxicated, you still have to figure out where you were and what you did. Look for small clues in photographs you’re tagged in. For example, this photo strongly suggests that you were in America, probably at Harvard University, at an event involving nametags.
- Not all photos are as easy as the last one. See this picture, where we only have a “C,” a ribbon, and a lot of women to go by. Tentatively we can classify this as a small charity event.
- The level of difficulty can get very hard. This photo leaves very few clues, as I’ve violated each of the five aforementioned rules. I think this intoxicated social networking occurred in Atlanta, but who really knows?
- For the truly advanced, you may not want to rely on your own wits. Consider hiring a small staff to follow you around while you network under the influence. A personal assistant, a photographer, and a videographer should be all you need to understand what you’re doing when you don’t know what you’re doing.
- And so, with that, happy networking. I hope that you learned how to better social network while intoxicated. Please be careful with your new powers. Thank you.