1. IF HAMLET AND MACBETH DUELLED, WHO’D WIN?
By Laurie Richards
PREFACE
Shortly after the unfortunate demise of the author of the greatest tragedies written in the English
language, aka William Shakespeare, the characters of his tragic creations found themselves
shipwrecked on Prospero’s long-abandoned enchanted island. Among the unfortunate individuals
were Hamlet and Macbeth. They weren’t the only two individuals thrust upon the sandy beaches
of Prospero’s Enchanted Island (hereafter known as P.E.I.); infamous characters from all of
Shakespeare’s tragedies were forced to dwell upon the savage island as well.
As the days monotonously passed, everyone grew accustomed to, irritated by or completely
indifferent to the other members of the elite society of Shakespeare’s truly great tragic
characters. Of course, nobody expected the monotony to last too much longer’ it would be
absurd to assume that all of these conniving lords and ladies, kings and queens, could last very
long without getting the revenge they hungered and died for in their plays. Besides, no one could
agree on who should be the ruler of the island. To the point, all of these matters had to be
resolved before long.
PART I
HOW THE DISPUTE BEGAN
One evening Macbeth found Hamlet soliloquizing about the woes of a character whose author
had died and left them stranded on a magical island whose only native inhabitant was a strange
little monster called Caliban and a few fairies and nymphs flitting here and there who kept to
themselves.
“O thrice and four times blessed are those who are still
To be found in their own mundane little scenes,
Or not to be living at all in this world!
Whether they are mirthful and quite full of breath,
Or mere shadows widely silent in the night—
The heartache is not so horrible for them
For they were looked after by Master Shakespeare!”
Having listened to Hamlet’s outpourings one too many times that day, Macbeth could not bear
to listen to the melancholic youth any longer. “Wilt thou silence your vain mammering, Dane,

2. Desist your eulogy of that half-wit?
Indeed, sir, thou art an ill lout to think
An actor could be our great creator!
All our fellows know as well as I do
That the Earl of Oxford is our master!
Now, sir, let silence by your only speech,
And cease to fill the world up with your words.”
“Thou mucus-brimming toad!” Hamlet shouted,
“Thou art a foul knave
To think such an ignoble thought about Shakespeare!
What? Has he been in his shroud so long that thou
Canst call another man thy progenitor?
O crime most foul, unworthy of thee, my lord,
To supplant another in great Shakespeare’s place!”
Macbeth was growing red with anger, his black beard began to bristle, his green eyes glowered
at the Danish prince. Hamlet, the fair-haired youth, was no less angry than his opponent. His blue
eyes grew cold and icy as his mouth tightened into a thin line. Both men had forgotten their
manners; each circled the other with his sword drawn to do battle for the honor of Shakespeare.
“Thou art a bile frothing, ill-natured root hog!” quoth one.
“Thou art a foul flea-harboring bug bear!” quoth the other.
Thus the two gentlemen berated the other, and far worse things were said before the rest of the
inhabitants of P.E.I. had gathered to see what the two gentlemen were loudly and vehemently
disputing.
Old King Lear shuffled between the two would-be combatants. First he stared intently at
Macbeth; then he solemnly peered at Hamlet. At last he spoke, “Is something amiss between ye,
gentles?”

3. “Indeed there is a dispute brewing, Lear,” Macbeth saucily replied, “For that youth knows not
who his master is!”
“My lord, I know right well Shakespeare is our lord!” exclaimed Hamlet hotly.
The assembled crowd murmured at this argument, but not because many of them were
concerned over the debate which fueled the ire of Macbeth and Hamlet; at last there would be
something to avert attention away from various plots which had been simmering in the minds of
the other inhabitants of the island. Seeing the possibilities before them, the lords and ladies
separated themselves into two factions: those who agreed with Hamlet, and those who agreed
with Macbeth. Their reasons were varied, but the motive was universal: ambition, pure and
simple.
Lady Macbeth should have been supporting her husband, but the recent event of meeting Iago, a
man whom she thought of as the most devilish and handsome knave to ever wear a doublet, had
given her reason to think about other possibilities. “Oh most fortuitous turn of the fates!” she
exclaimed to her recently found confidante, Goneril, “My husband will see only young Hamlet
Before his timorous, e’er-boasting eyes;
A plot I shall lay to keep him busy,
Whilst I win not-so-honest Iago!”
Quickly she stood beside King Lear and with her once bloodied hands she put down the swords
of Hamlet and her husband.
“Good friends and nobles all, hark to my plan,
And if it seemeth a worthy pastime,
Then let it commence a brief fortnight hence:
Dearest husband, and thou, most princely Dane,
As thou mayst perceive, we are divided
On this grave matter concerning our lord;
If thou art bold men, as we think you are,
Then meet a fortnight from this very day,
And let a fair duel decide the matter;
The victor shall say who our master is.”

4. Lady Macbeth had no sooner made this proposal, but all present agreed to it. Macbeth and
Hamlet shook hands and parted, each determined to use the fourteen days to improve their well-
honed dueling skills. The rest of the party separated slowly, into small groups to discuss
preparations they would make in anticipation of the duel.