Emotional prioritisation refers to the unconscious hierarchy each person maintains regarding how much emotional energy and care they devote to different individuals in their life. We each live in our own "Emotional Universe" defined by our relationships. Through various case studies and examples, the document explores how emotional prioritisation assessments can provide insight into people's core motivations and how their priorities may change over time or in response to life events. Emotional prioritisation is a natural part of being human and influences our thoughts, words, and actions in relationships.

1. Emotional prioritisation
We all live in our own ‘Emotional Universe’, a Universe that consists of our self and our
wants and needs, Our likes and dislikes, Our Desires and Dreams and our ever changing views and
perceptions about ourselves and others. Like the Sun and the Solar system, the planets and orbits,
each one of us have our loved ones, family members near and dear ones, friends and foes, orbiting
aroundusintheemotionalorbits,wecreateinourselves,whichinvariablykeepschangingwiththe
passage of time… some times a particular person can be found in the same emotional orbit till their
death, but many a time we change their status to different emotional levels as our perceptions about
themchange,thishypotheticaltheoryisstrictlyconfinedtotheliving,evenpetsandanimalscanbe
included , if they are , that precious… I have often heard about some aged people who bequeath
theirwealthandpossessions totheirfavouritepets,whentheyhavetheirownchildrenwaitingfor
theirdemise…
I wish to state that, though most of our parents constantly state that all their children are
equally precious to them, they love and care for them in equal measure, once you peel away the
layers of their conscious outcry and give them choices that are limited and if the choices are brutal or
involves death of one of their offspring’s, they will be forced to choose... let us visualise a terrorist
scenario...theterroriststhreatentokillonechildofafamilyoffivechildren,everyhouriftheir
“demands” are not met…In such a tragic scenario, which child will the parents choose first? The
second? It is under such dire situations that the truth, though brutal takes center stage….We
suddenlyrealizethat,thereareemotionalprioritiesinlove,inrelationships,friends,enemiesoreven
for our favorite pets.
Emotional prioritisation, takes place every where and for every one, every time be it the
distributionoflove,charityorwealth,ourimmediatefamilyorwithsocietyatlarge.Timefactorplays
a crucial role too. Being a therapist, I have often noticed that people’semotionalprioritisation
changes, for instance a woman, aged forty-eight told me, her son comes first, then her daughter,
thenherhusband…butwhenshegotinvolvedemotionallywithherson’sfriendherhusbandtook
fourthrankinginemotionalprioritisation!
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2. Iusuallydrawfourcirclesandask myclientstochooseonlyonelivingbeinginthefirstcircle,only
twointhesecondcircle,onlythreeinthethirdcircleandaninfinitenumberinthefourth-thoughit
looksdeceptivelysimple,itisnot… mostlyafatherormotherwillfinditextremelypainfulifthey
havemorethanthreechildren,theoneswithonlytwowillfinditrelatively easy,asthey“cleverly”
put their spouse, in the first circle and their two kids in the second circle and in the third, their father,
mother, brother, sister or friends, kith and kin and of course the fourth circle is the easiest as its
numbersareinfinite….Iinsistonbrutalhonestyandspontaneity,sincethisisatestoftruth,it’san
honest attempt to know our self… our core self, stripped of its usual hypocrisy, who we really are…
forwhomwereallycareandvalue…withemotionalprioritisation.
This method of evaluation of our core emotions, often explain our words, actions and
behavior in general and “in specific life situations” it can be utilized in counselling the aged,
the ones who are living through “the empty nest syndrome” estranged married couples, in
family counselling, with teenagers and even little children.
Maslow’s “hierarchy of needs”, is universal and has stood the test of time….. But in
emotionalprioritisationittakesdifferenthuesandcolors,withthechangesinourveryownEmotional
universes,forinstanceamiddleagedwifeorhusbandwillsuddenlyrealizethenewrankingofan
enticinglover….Aheterosexual willdiscoverhisnewloverandboyfriend,ismorepreciousthanhis
wife and kids of ten years… the death of a favourite son, can slowly change the E.P. of a parent to
another son or daughter, the usual ordinal status can change… a rich neglected child may rank by
E.P. his or her favorite domestic help as the first and most precious person in their fragile emotional
universe!Thesocalled‘unconditionallove’isamyth,thoughitstillexistsinabundanceinthecanine
world, the virtue of selfishness does exist in our core self with its emotional strings, tugging and
pullingeverybasichumanrelationships,weendureandinfluence,toourtailormadepresentand
future needs and wants.We often try to rationalize our E.P. by concocting different and delicate
reasons to justify our ever-changing emotional and physical desires and dreams. I wish to present a
few examples of E.P. exercises, next,..
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3. 1-Case history:
Mr. R , aged 80 has two children, a son in the I.T. sector married, who has one girl child and
the daughter, a housewife, has one son and daughter, both of them are in their early 50’s Mr. R is a
widower,heisfinanciallydependentonhissonwhoisveryconcernedabouthisfather’s welfare but
he prefers to stay with his daughter. Mr. R’s E.P. is given below
Mr.R&his
E.P
DAUGHTER
SON AND SON-IN LAW
HIS ONLY BROTHER AND TWO GRAND
CHILDREN OF HIS DAUGHTER
FAMILY DOCTOR, DRIVER AND OLD FRIEND
HIS GRAND DAUGHTER (SON’S)HIS COUSIN. ETC.
ETC.
1 E.P.
2 E.P.
3 E.P.
4 E.P.
Mr. R’s E.P. shows his daughter in E.P. 1, his son and son- in law in E.P. 2, his brother, two grand
children of his daughter in E.P. 3, and in E.P. 4, you have his grand daughter, his cousin, family doctor,
an old friend, his driver etc, etc. so this is Mr. R’s emotional universe and this is his present
EMOTIONALPRIORITISATION… .
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4. 2-Case History:
Mrs. B, aged 64 has three children, her husband is sick and bed-ridden, her son is the eldest,
married, has no issues, one daughter is married, she is in gulf, has two sons the other daughter is single,
aged 32 years. Her son financially supports and looks after her, his father and unmarried sister, the
unmarried daughter takes care of the father and attends to all his needs, and Mrs. B’s, Mrs. B’s EPis
givenbelow....
Mrs. B’s E.P. shows, her unmarried daughter in E.P. 1 her two grand children in E.P. 2, her son,
married daughter and husband in E.P. 3, her daughter-in-law, her youngest sister, friend and
neighbour and her son-in-law in E.P. 4 etc. this is her present EMOTIONAL
PRIORITISATION.
Mrs. B &
HER EP.
HER SINGLE
DAUGHTER
TWO GRAND CHILDREN
HER SON, DAUGHTER AND HUSBAND
DAUGHTER -IN-LAW, HER YOUNGEST SISTER,
HER FRIEND AND NEIGHBOUR, HER SON-IN- LAW
ETC. ETC.
4 E.P.
3 E.P.
2 E.P.
1 E.P.
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5. 3- Case history:
Ms. D is an 18 year old girl studying in the 12th
std. Her parents are very rich but very
conservative and orthodox. She has a boyfriend aged 18 years, her classmate, he is from a
different religion, Being the only child her parents are very “aggressive” in their rejection of her
boyfriend. Though they lavish their daughter’s life with every form of luxury, they have hardly
any time for their only daughter, Her companions at home are her faithful and caring domestic
helps… Ms. D’s E.P. is given below...
Ms.D &
HER E.P.
HER BOYFRIEND
HER AUNTY AND
FAVOURITE MAID
HERMOTHER,FATHER
AND GRAND MOTHER
HER TWO COUSINS,CLASS MATE AND
FRIEND.HER FAVOURITE TEACHER ETC.ETC.
4 E.P.
3 E.P.
2 E.P.
1 E.P.
Ms. D’s E.P. shows, her boyfriend in E.P 1,her aunty and favorite maid in E.P. 2, her father,
mother and grandmother in E.P. 3, her two cousins, classmate and friend and her favorite
teacher E.P. 4, This is her present EMOTIONAL PRIORITISATION.
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6. 4-Case history:
MasterVis eight years old, he has an elder brother,16 years of age studying in a boarding
school in a different state. His parents are renowed doctors. Who keep busy hours, his “quality time”
with his parents happens on sundays. His grand mother looks after him, a tuition teacher comes
home, five days a week to guide him in his lessons. He is very fond of pets he also spends a great
deal of time on his computer. MasterV’s E.P. is given below-
V AND
HIS E.P.
HIS GRAND MOTHER
HIS MOTHER
AND TUTION TEACHER
HIS FATHER, BROTHER AND HIS
FAVOURITE PET DOG
HIS THREE FRIENDS IN SCHOOL, HIS CLASS
TEACHER, HIS NEIGHBOUR’S SON ETC.ETC.
4 E.P.
3 E.P.
2 E.P.
1 E.P.
MasterV’s E.P. shows, his grandmother in E.P. 1, his mother and tuition teacher in E.P. 2, His father,
brother and favourite pet dog in E.P. 3, his three friends in school, his class teacher, his neighbour’s son
etc.etc. in E.P. 4, this isV’s present EMOTIONALPRIORITISATION.
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7. There is a strong possibility of change in every one’s E.P. if it were done a few years or months,
even weeks or days earlier...What I wish to stress, is my assumption, that our E.P. changes along with
the changes in our “life situation and circumstances”,which affect our E.P.Though icons like Mother
Teresa and other few personalities are paragons of altruism, still they too have their own form of E.P.,
these are but the few and rare exceptions… the average person, though each one of us are unique and
have our own unique E.P. we tend to get influenced by “our Emotional requirements of the day”,
like every living Being, Our E.P.’s decide our train of thoughts words and deeds!
by,
SHYAMSUNDER
PSYCHOTHERAPIST/DIABETES EDUCATOR
DIACARE
CENTREFORDIABETES&ENDOCRINOLOGY
CHAMBERPLAZA,NEARCHAMBEROFCOMMERCE
KANNUR-670002,KERALA,INDIA
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