3. Why this loss is different is not “normative.” Divorce is an“ambiguous” loss (they don’t take away the body!) Divorce grief is not often publically supported (they don’t bring casseroles or send cards) Guilt, regret, shame and anger can be present (instead of seeking out others, the griever may hide) Acceptance may take longer (could we “get back together again???) There are no traditional rituals for this loss (but the psalms help!) The whole family grieves(but in different ways)
Pauline Boss’s book helpful here (Ambiguous losses). More like the prisoner of war loss—married yet not married—than a death of spouse. He’s here but not here. We are connected yet separated. She is part of my history, but I’d like to forget that part. He is the father of my children, but acting like my worse enemy. Etc.
At funeral—outpoured love and support—cards, casseroles, etc. Not ususally at a divorce, yet needed even more.
One divorce book called the crazy time and it is—people may do and say all kinds of things they would normally not do or say.
There is often some back and forth behavior—some approaches and avoidances and confusion while the new relationship gets sorter out. What will this mean? Is the question for a long time. Who will be my friends? How will I manage alone? ETc
This is one person’s attempt—a divorce cake! Divorce parities certainly are becoming popular—but not church ceremonies.
Unfortunately, the children do suffer—the youngest ones the most, typically. Custody battles are not rare but usually there is some sort of getting at each other through the kids that is highly destructive. Grief mnistry must be a family affair, but if only one person comes, that’s better than no one—will help everyone.
